bslchump Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 These past few days (weeks?) have been really tough for me. Mental images keep bothering me, I've been thinking about her constantly, and I just haven't felt happy. I've seriously been toying with the idea of texting or e-mailing her something like, "did I leave my [useless thing I don't need] with you?" just so she'd respond to me. She sent me an email a couple of weeks back asking how I was and that she'd heard a song that reminded her of me and it made her sad. Why would she tell me that? She's been on my mind ever since, I guess. I responded to her (broke NC about a month and a half ago when she emailed a huge apology letter and how she still loved me) and told her I was doing fine. It's been interfering with my work and leisure time, though. I've been like, constantly thinking about her. It's back to "last thought before bed, first thought waking up" and it sucks. I just seriously haven't been happy or felt like doing anything. I'm pretty positive I'm past the whole "depression" stage, because I CAN be happy, but I just haven't felt it. I know that I shouldn't send her anything. I already threw up my hail-mary pass a few weeks ago and asked her to come see me so we could talk, but she said she'd be too emotional and nostalgic, so she wanted to wait. I can't initiate contact with her, because she's holding all the cards. Besides, I shouldn't have to move mountains to be with her, she should move them to be with me, right?
fiat500 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) You have to realize that what she's doing is not fair to you. She tells you that a song reminded her of you and it made her sad yet she doesn't do anything to make YOU feel better. For what purpose would she do this other than her own selfishness? She contacts you and when you ask her to come up to talk she refuses because she'll be TOO NOSTALGIC??? REALLY NOW?? HELLO?? She's become a useless thing in your life that you need to cut free from right now. It's apparent that she doesn't really care about you, if she did she would have jumped at the chance to talk to you. She just likes the fact that you still care about her while she doesn't have to care about you. Don't let her hold all the cards. You can take them back now. You're giving her little bits of attention that she's thriving on but killing you in the process. If she REALLY misses you or cares about you, then let her come to your doorstep or beg you to see her but until then IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. I feel for you though. It could take months to start to feel better again. I'm on my eighth month now and I still think about my ex as well but I just chalk it up to 'it is what it is.' If she pops up into your mind, don't fight it. Just accept it. Think about her. Just don't reach out to her. Edited July 19, 2011 by fiat500
The_Good_Me Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Hi bslchump. Really sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. I've been having more of the mental images myself recently and they're just torture for the soul. I think when exes send us things like "I saw this and thought of you" or similar, it's a way of them trying to ease their own conscience by letting you know that they don't hate you just because they broke up with you. I'm sure your ex has been sitting there thinking something along the lines of "I wonder if he hates me for what I've done" and this type of message is a way of testing the water. Any type of response will satisfy them in different ways. Responding in anger will confirm to an ex that splitting up was the right thing to do. Responding without anger lets them know that you don't hate them and it eases their conscience. I think that's why we hear so many people saying "My ex got in touch and I replied and then I got ignored again". All replying does is help them to move forward away from you. Unfortunately when the dumper sends this kind of message, they don't realise how much of an effect it can have on the dumpee that hasn't achieved indifference yet. They're not being malicious, just kind of accidental selfishness and inconsiderate (simply because they don't understand or realise what it does to you). You've described that this is a set back rather than a constant depression since the break. You have been happy and this recent contact has made you take a few steps backwards. Because you've already been happy, you will definitely get there again! You've done it once, you can do it again. Just remember the first time you did it, it took time to do it and time is the only thing that will get you there again. You made a lot of sense in your last paragraph... "I can't initiate contact with her, because she's holding all the cards." this is so true! If you are to ever be re-united it will have to come from your ex as pushing and pushing gets you nowhere. All you can do now my friend is re-commit yourself to NC and getting back through that "last thought before bed, first thought when waking up" phase. Don't expect too much of yourself, ie that it won't take long to get through it, just take each day as it comes and it'll get easier. Doing anything else is only going to hinder your progression to healing. It sounds like you've been doing great so far and now it's just riding the bad waves as and when they come. Keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck mate
Author bslchump Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Thanks for the replies. You both are, of course, correct. There's nothing left for me to do, so don't contact her. I don't really know anything about what she's doing now, and I don't know if it matters. I just can't bring myself to fully let go and move on. I still think it's her when I get an email or a FB message, though. She's still who I fantasize about sexually, and I still don't feel happy about any aspect of my life. I have to resist the urge to check up on things I know she's on. Online journals, games, FB, etc. That's still hard, for some reason. I don't really know what will make me feel better besides time.
lifeispain Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 you should delete her off any social networking site you have her on. trust me it works.
Author bslchump Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Oh, I have. There are just other things she's on other than Facebook. Blogs, WoW, etc.
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