coco_ballerina Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Hiya, this is a problem I've been dealing with for a long time now and I would really appreciate any advice: My ex and I were together for 2 years and I was completely and utterly infatuated with him. We moved up to Scotland from London to start a life together but because of the recession he was really struggling to find work and after a year he moved back down south to a steady job. I needed to stay in Scotland to renovate a property I had bought but was due to follow him as soon as the work was complete. I thought this man was the love of my life, he told me he loved me all the time and we even discussed marriage, but a few weeks after he moved he simply stopped answering my calls. With no explanation he just cut me out of his life. Cue me turning into Glenn Close from fatal attraction and trying to call him hundreds of times without him picking up. After a few weeks when it was clear to me that we were over, I was on a night out pretending to be fine when I met and started seeing someone new. At the beginning I was still trying to contact my ex pretty much every day and finally he answered my call. We had around a five minute conversation where he told me he was seeing someone (he wouldn't tell me who) and that she was pregnant with his child. He told me the due date which means he was sleeping with her while we were still together. Then he hung up the phone and never spoke to me again. Upon hearing this news I cut both my arms to ribbons with a razor and if I had any courage would've taken my own life. I've tried to move on and the man that I met during this time is now my husband of two years. I adore him and the love that we have for each other is real and incomparable to what I had with my ex, yet I still find myself thinking about him every day. He never told me who the mystery woman is and I have horrible, torturous dreams about him and his faceless woman. I feel so worthless that he discarded me like a piece of rubbish, and I thought that time would heal my pain but it hasn't. I feel incredibly guilty that I still think of him now that I'm married and I'm also afraid that my husband will leave me in the same way that my ex did, and my resulting insecurities are putting a strain on our marriage. It would have been different if my ex had given me an explanation, an apology, a goodbye but he didn't and I can't move on without closure. I tried to contact him recentlly in an attempt to get the answers I needed and forget about him once and for all, but he still won't talk to me three years down the line. What can I possibly do to move on from the past?
Exit Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 It's not so much the person you are obsessed with, it's the emotional wound that refuses to heal, the attack on your ego that made you feel like an unworthy person. Obviously seeking out answers from the person who hurt you is getting you nowhere if they refuse to answer. You may want to try talking to a therapist or something. In life we don't always get to tie up all the loose ends, sometimes things end incomplete and it does take a lot of strength and a certain set of emotional tools to learn to let go of these things.
smudge21 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I noticed what you said about having courage to kill yourself. I find that odd, as surely the fact you didn't take your own life is an indication of just how much courage you really do have. Suicide is a way out. Staying around and facing your problems, that's the difficult choice. Be proud you chose that path. Anyway, in regards to how you're still feeling, obsessing over this piece of trash that showed his true colours, is very sad. You're clearly making a new life for yourself and have become a better person, so you shouldn't be letting what happened hold you back. You want answers to questions and you want closure. Okay, I can see that, but put it another way, say you had your answers - say you knew exactly why he cheated and left you. Be honest, would it really change anything? Would you really be in a different place right now? Surely the only thing that would be different would be you'd heard some pathetic excuses from a very small man about why he turned his back on you. Okay, you'd have closure in some sense, but you'd still be hurting, just in different ways. Sometimes it's better to just accept that there are people out there who don't have the same character, attitude, compassion and overall humanity as the rest of us do. Yes, we can easily be drawn into their lives and think they are something special, but suddenly things change and we're left with all the hurt. You can search for the rest of your life for the answers as to why people are like this, but you won't find them - you'll only get opinions from people who, like you, have suffered in the same way. You do need to accept that what happened was not your fault in any way and you had no control over anything that occured. You could not have changed the outcome. You need to let go of the past, if that means talking to a professional, then go do it. Don't let what happened hold you back any longer. Life really is to short.
Author coco_ballerina Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thank you Exit and Smudge for your responses. This is something I've kept to myself for a long time as everyone close to me naturally thinks I've moved on and I haven't discussed it with anybody because I don't want them to think that I'm unhappy with my life or that I don't love my husband. So your advice is more helpful than you could imagine. I would worry about talking to a proffessional though because I would feel totally pathetic crying about something that happened years ago and I think would sound ungrateful for the life I have right now.
smudge21 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 The fact is you're bottling up your past, hiding from it. Eventually it will come out, it will affect you at some time. My sister went to see a professional and he uncovered something she'd hidden for over 20 years that was affecting her. There's no shame in admitting you have a few problems, a few scars from the past that still hurt occasionally. By doing so, you're admitting you're simply as human as the rest of us. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Author coco_ballerina Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 You're completely right actually smudge. I met my hubbie around the same time this was all happening so I never went through the whole moping round the house in my pyjamas crying and eating ice cream thing before I moved on. Thank you so much for your advice.
Almond_Joy Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I met and started seeing someone new. I've tried to move on and the man that I met during this time is now my husband of two years. I adore him and the love that we have for each other is real and incomparable to what I had with my ex, yet I still find myself thinking about him every day. When I think about the future, I am so scared this is going to happen. My ex left me with no explanation about 2 or 3 months ago. I know I'm a great catch, did my best in the relationship, and have the ability to love someone else, but I still think about him every day. I'm still hurt by his choice to ignore me. I worry that this pain and confusion will haunt me for the rest of my life. I just started seeing a therapist last week though. I am trying to figure out a way over it. I really hope this counseling works. I've tried everything I can think of by myself and nothing has worked. Like someone else here mentioned, if you don't feel comfortable talking to family and friends about it, a therapist may be an option to consider. It doesn't matter how long ago this happened - a problem is a problem. Take whatever options are available to you to try and fix it. Best of luck to you.
bdoggle Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 I agree with getting therapy. You have to talk this out and convince yourself you did nothing wrong. People learn to treat others from somewhere and chances are that your ex had some substantial problems in character that would allow him to do that to you. He is a coward and you so have to believe you are a better, safer and happier person without that sh** in your life. Just think how you would have been if you wound up together and then he revealed himself. I too was left without closure. I believe that by conventional standards I was the better person in the relationship (looks, money, job, status) and if anyone was to leave it should have been me. What I got was just a very crushed ego and tremendous pain which I continue to work through. You have to create your own closure with these kind of situations. Believe in yourself, control yourself, and love and trust yourself. I think counseling will help you do that...
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