sun_moon Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I know at some point many have felt this way. I felt stronger, better, its been over 3 months now and I feel over all that I make improvements every day. At some point something happened, I had to take a hiatus from LS. Its like a fine line, and then you cross that line, and realize you are rehashing your pain either through your own posts, advice, or by other posts. I felt ok and didn't need to come here. It was a little over a week, but slowly I began to feel a little sadder, and a bit lonelier, and mostly I wanted to break NC, because the temptation for me has been there. His calls and texts have increased. I have already had ANOTHER talk with him last week that lasted too long and told him, look dont reach out. What do you want? He would not tell me what he wants. Its like he thinks that just because he had that moment with me over a month ago where he confessed his apology and remorse, just because he did that, I can talk to him? He's crazy. I am not ready to forgive, and he does not get to set that timeline for me. My anger comes and goes, I am no longer furious wishing horrible things upon him, but I still have anger. I know myself, I know Im not there yet, but I know its not good to hold on to that anger, because really, in the end all it means is that they hold that power over you and your life and who wants that? So I realized yes, LS, can be overkill sometimes, but it has so many therapeutic aspects, even if you do think you are on your path to healing. I dont have to do it alone, and I surely am not ready. Why? Because he sends me another stupid manipulative breadcrumb of a text last night, just like Saturday night, and Friday, and I actually was VERY tempted to respond. I did not. Why do I need to respond again, he already knows where I stand. I am still tempted to respond, mostly because I am not feeling physically well which is actually affecting my emotions. I cant let the emotions control my actions. I am posting here so I dont respond to this stupid text. Feeling sad.
Author sun_moon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 He keeps reaching out every few days now and I finally caved Tuesday and Wednesday and responded. What is happening to me? I was doing so well with NC?!!! I told him AGAIN for the 4th time to stop contacting me as I requested and he pretends to have never heard that from my mouth. His excuse for contact NOW is that he needs to face the mistakes he has made with me and part of his remorse etc is dealing with it head on instead of NC! I disagreed and told him it's not necessary and while I never expected him to apologize it doesn't mean we can talk now, I'm not interested in being friends, I just want peace. We had some small talk and I stopped myself after a few minutes and told him I had to go. I'm disappointed in myself and still miss him. Starting NC all over again.
Nohbody Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I'm still waiting for sun_moon's guide to NC. I've felt some weird sadness lately, and it's been about the same length of time. The girl I was with hasn't made any attempt to contact me... if I were in your shoes I'd have caved long ago - so good for you. I think what you are going through is normal. Dust yourself off and keep marching.
Author sun_moon Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Yeah I hope its normal. I dont have a guide to NC, I just try to get stronger everyday! LOL I've been journaling and reading a lot. It does help to do this, and when I'm not home, and I get overwhelmed with a moment of a feeling, I go into my phone and type something up in my notepad until it passes. So today is me starting again, but I don't count it as day one, or starting over. I've had LC over all with him so I think my progress is still immense. I haven't lost my dignity and have kept my composure overall, so I'm just re starting the NC but from where I left off. *dusting myself off*
Author sun_moon Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 (edited) Amazing how one message can completely disrupt my day and leave me feeling sad and fueling with agitation. I have gone from my hands shaking to responding to his stupid text to playing phone tag and now I have just finished crying a bit. I asked him repeatedly let things be, NC, to let me heal. I guess that was too much information because once again after a few days he starts up again and says this: Him: "Im glad your angry, and letting yourself heal by blaming me" I'm angry I call, he was busy and asked to call me back. I send this: Me: "Lol when we "talked" I owned up to things as well. It's not all inclusive but there is blame on your part. :-) healing is a process and you aren't understanding what I mean by that." Still angry I leave him a vm saying that I'm not going to play games with him, I have my POV and so does he and he doesnt have to call back. He calls I'm busy again and sends this: Him: "Yes you blame me" At this point I'm crying feeling pretty raw. I sit with it and finally send this as my final contact. Me: "Think whatever you want to think. I'm ok, your ok, everything is ok. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors, stay focused on your goals, you can go far. :-) take care." God give me the strength to stop this vicious cycle. What is happening, what does he want? Why is he tormenting me? Why did I cave? Of course I blame you but not for everything. I know with healing comes forgiveness in all aspects, forgiving myself for allowing myself to be in a relationship that didn't work for so long, forgiving him for all the things he's done especially in the end. It will come when I'm ready not when he deems it fit. How do I forgive myself for giving him so many chances and still feeling let down and disappointed? How do I forgive myself for allowing a brief "friendship" after the b/u? I have a journey and he keeps disrupting it by contact and I'm so angry at myself for caving, I actually feel like I took several steps back today. Edited July 23, 2011 by sun_moon forgot something
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