alrighty_then Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Hi, I posted on here about a month or two ago. I'm 24, ex-gf is 22. We were together about years in this relationship, unofficially dated for a year a couple years before the relationship. We were engaged for about a year. Her and her son (now 5 years old) lived with me, and we had a dog together... She broke up with me about 5 1/2 months ago now, citing a loss of feelings as her reason. We didn't see eachother for about 2-3 months, didn't talk a lot, I failed several times at NC, with my longest stretch being about 5 weeks. Anyways, I decided to cave in after those 5 weeks, call her, we had a nice conversation, and started hanging out around once a week. After the first time we hung out, we both agreed that we wanted to start seeing eachother occasionally. We had a good time, but everything was initiated with me. I have enjoyed seeing her, but I don't think it has been helping me get her back. If anything, it's probably delayed that possibility. And it gets a bit overwhelming for me emotionally, because she's very comfortable about everything, while I am on edge about things. She's been able to go out and have fun with her other friends, even meet guys, yet still have me there asking her to hang out every week. By the way, there's no other guy specifically. She has talked to a couple of guys, but she has told any interested guy she doesn't want a relationship. So there's nothing serious going on there. A few days ago I got a little fed up with the fact that everything was coming from me, not a lot of interest on her part, and now I'm wondering if I should go back to NC. I haven't talked to her since Friday. She basically re-affirmed everything she's been saying. She doesn't want to be back together right now, not anytime soon, possibly in the future. SO - if she does want to be together in the future, do I have a better chance of getting that to happen by hanging in there and trying to stay in touch a little and hang out occasionally, or dropping off the radar and not talking to her? I know the best way to fully heal is NC and try to move on from her. But I still feel like I want another chance at things together, so what does everyone think the best route is? Would NC be ineffective at this point, or could it still possibly make her miss me and speed up the process?
Nohbody Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Generally if you have to ask if NC is best, it probably is... especially if you ask folk round these parts. We're all struggling with "what if they want me later" kind of thoughts... but in the end we have to go on as though that isn't going to be an option. Regardless of how the other person feels, it's probably better (at this point) to assume they've completely forgotten about you/loathe and despise you/etc. If it isn't true, what a pleasant surprise you are in for... if it is - well... you saw it coming, didn't you?
Virgil Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 My suggestion is to go NC again, at least for a set amount of time. Another 5 weeks would be good in my opinion. Then break contact and see what she's up to. If she's still saying the same "I don't want to do anything right now" stuff, then leave her and find someone else. Because right now she's one of two things: confused or playing you. She could be confused as to what she really really wants: a relationship with you or a different guy. Or she's using you as a backup- if she doesn't meet the right guy she'll have you as a fall back. I think NC will make the truth come out. If she contacts you before you break contact it most likely means she wants to take things to the next level. But if she's all whatever about it and you still have to initiate things, then move on. That's my advice. I'm interested to see what other people have to say too.
Author alrighty_then Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks for the responses so far. These kind of things suck, and sometimes it's hard to think clearly with all the B.S. So it's nice to get outside perspectives on things. BiAxident, I hear what you're saying, but I wouldn't have gotten serious with her if I didn't believe she had matured and become the kind of person I was looking for. Just to clear up the timeline. We dated (not very serious) for about a year when she was 15. Then yes she did have a baby at 17. The father was a dead beat. We ended up dating again once her son was 1, she was 18, and we were together for 4 years, engaged and lived together for the last year and a half. Like i said, she was the kind of person I wanted, but now that she has changed so much, I think she has kind of reverted back to how she was before. Perhaps she tried to change for me, but it didn't last. Nohbody, I like your thinking. I probably should expect the worst, then if anything good does happen I'll be pleasantly surprised. Virgil, I think I will try at least another 5 weeks. I doubt that she will contact me within that time. My birthday is at the end of August, so I could see her saying happy birthday, but other than that I think she is so used to me making the first move with everything that she will wait til I say something to her again. I guess that kind of tells me something... Anyways, I'm sure we all go through the same kind of back and forth in our head. I just struggle deciding whether backing away again at this point will do any good if my goal is to get her back. I know it's the best thing to do if I want to try and fully move on. But if I want her back, is it better to stay in her life and hang out once in a while? Or is it better to disappear and hope that she misses me? I kind of feel like hanging around and asking her to hang out every week gives her the comfort of having me there while still being able to enjoy being single, possibly look for other guys, etc. I think I know the answer, just hard to see sometimes.
Author alrighty_then Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 So the first 3 people say that NC is still my best bet. Anyone think that hanging around/staying in her life makes sense in my situation?
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 It's a tough one. The biggest problem is that it's very hard for you to be the attractive confident man that a woman will be attracted to, when everything is on her terms. Basically you've shown her a gazillion times, by not walking away, that you think she's the best you can get. Women usually don't appreciate that. Had you been more self confident you'd have had other and better options than sit and wait for someone who is not interested. It kind of sounds like she really just want to be friends and that she's honestly not looking for a relationship. Maybe you can get her back by making your sessions more date like idk, but I wouldn't count on it ever getting very serious from her side after this. I went through a break up some months ago and it was really hard to get over and accept. I met a lot of hot girls in the time after, got their numbers but wasn't really doing anything to make anything happen. No flirting texts or date invitations from my side. The funny thing was that every single girl came back to me, trying to hook up and they were litterally throwing their vaginas at me. I didn't have to do a damn thing except don't care - and I didn't! I guess the lesson is that when women feel that you REALLY don't care, it must mean that you're used to higher standards, and they're instinctively attracted to that. Funny how it works. Only one chick avoided my bed - because I really fancied her. She could feel that and it instantly turned her off... too easy = not attractive! Oh yes, one more escaped and that was my ex gf. Had sex a few times, but everything was on her terms and I was always ready to drop everything to be with her. She didn't find that attractive at all. When I'm horny and desperate, 2 out of 3 will never reply to my texts. I hope you see where I'm getting at! She HAS to feel lucky to be with with or it will never work. I know it's tough, but as an outsider I would suggest letting go of this girl and find someone who's really into you. It's loads more fun to be with someone who thinks you're the bomb. So yeah that means NC, but not to get her back, but rather to get YOU back. Once you get yourself back, you can likely get her too. But my guess is that you're not interested in her when you reach that stage. All the best.
channal1 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 good it is useful.... Coach Glasses Coach Jewelry discount coach outlet
wilsonx Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Hi, I posted on here about a month or two ago. I'm 24, ex-gf is 22. We were together about years in this relationship, unofficially dated for a year a couple years before the relationship. We were engaged for about a year. Her and her son (now 5 years old) lived with me, and we had a dog together... She broke up with me about 5 1/2 months ago now, citing a loss of feelings as her reason. We didn't see eachother for about 2-3 months, didn't talk a lot, I failed several times at NC, with my longest stretch being about 5 weeks. Anyways, I decided to cave in after those 5 weeks, call her, we had a nice conversation, and started hanging out around once a week. After the first time we hung out, we both agreed that we wanted to start seeing eachother occasionally. We had a good time, but everything was initiated with me. I have enjoyed seeing her, but I don't think it has been helping me get her back. If anything, it's probably delayed that possibility. And it gets a bit overwhelming for me emotionally, because she's very comfortable about everything, while I am on edge about things. She's been able to go out and have fun with her other friends, even meet guys, yet still have me there asking her to hang out every week. By the way, there's no other guy specifically. She has talked to a couple of guys, but she has told any interested guy she doesn't want a relationship. So there's nothing serious going on there. A few days ago I got a little fed up with the fact that everything was coming from me, not a lot of interest on her part, and now I'm wondering if I should go back to NC. I haven't talked to her since Friday. She basically re-affirmed everything she's been saying. She doesn't want to be back together right now, not anytime soon, possibly in the future. SO - if she does want to be together in the future, do I have a better chance of getting that to happen by hanging in there and trying to stay in touch a little and hang out occasionally, or dropping off the radar and not talking to her? I know the best way to fully heal is NC and try to move on from her. But I still feel like I want another chance at things together, so what does everyone think the best route is? Would NC be ineffective at this point, or could it still possibly make her miss me and speed up the process? Im going to tell you that NC is the best route. Since she broke up with you... what have you done to improve yourself. What changes have you made to better your life for yourself?
Recommended Posts