oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 When someone you've been dating for over a month (but aren't exclusive) doesn't contact you for 4 days, which is unusual, and then eventually breaks radio silence and makes an excuse about being busy, is it ever worth calling them out on their lame excuse? I'm guessing the real reason is that she's just not that into me and, unfortunately, absence is definitely not making the heart grow fonder for me either. A couple of good dates could completely turn this back around, but I'm not holding my breath at this point.
Emilia Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Probably not. In the past I would have but over the years I have learnt that if someone doesn't feel the need to communicate on a regular basis there isn't much you can do. They are either not that into you or are introverts. Either way not someone you want to keep pursuing I don't think. I wouldn't write her off because as you said it can be turned around but if you aren't that keen on her either then what's the point?
Casablanca Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Probably not. In the past I would have but over the years I have learnt that if someone doesn't feel the need to communicate on a regular basis there isn't much you can do. They are either not that into you or are introverts. Either way not someone you want to keep pursuing I don't think. I wouldn't write her off because as you said it can be turned around but if you aren't that keen on her either then what's the point? Pretty much agree with this I HATE when people don't contact back...it is not hard to send a quick little text message...this is the the 21st century...it is so easy to send a message to someone...you can do it while crapping, sitting at a red light, waiting for food to cook, etc.... Try and take her out one more time, see how it goes...would you say you're not that interested in her as a defense mechanism or is it something about her personality?
yolatanga Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 This whole texting thing is driving me bonkers so I can relate. You should pick up the phone if you want to talk to her. Maybe that is the message she is sending you. This guy I may or may not be seeing does this to me. He only communicates via text. Especially when he ups and cancels plans that I didn't know we had. You know why? He didn't text me all day about whatever we were supposed to be doing. I failed mind reading class 101 big time. If I'm not worthy of a phone call, he's not worthy of me. This does not make me trust him and if he wants to be with me he needs to step it up.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I really feel like, in this age of technology that presents us with eight million easily-accessible forms of instant communication, there is really no excuse, and no one is ever "too busy." Certainly one could be too busy to carry out an extensive conversation or reply to texts immediately. But sending a text, shooting a quick phone call, sending an e-mail, etc. all take less time than using the bathroom or eating a snack. There have been times when I've known I was going to have a busy few days and wasn't going to be able to communicate as much with my SO as I normally do (we typically have text conversations daily and phone calls every couple of days). I sent him a text letting him know what was up (that I'd be going from an 8 hour day at my regular job straight to working a 6 hour volunteer fundraiser) and apologizing in advance that I'd be less available than usual. I also still managed to find time to give him a quick "Hey, thinking of you, have a good day!" type text each day (or respond to his). There are way too many ways to communicate with someone that take a fraction of a minute. I don't really believe that anyone could be too busy to utilize one of them once throughout their day.
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 When someone you've been dating for over a month (but aren't exclusive) doesn't contact you for 4 days, which is unusual, and then eventually breaks radio silence and makes an excuse about being busy, is it ever worth calling them out on their lame excuse? To me, content is important. What other proactive statements did she make? Like - 'Hi sweetie, sorry I haven't been in touch as I've been busy. How about we grab dinner tomorrow night, my treat. I'd love to catch up with you' Most people who aren't dead or comatose are busy living their lives. What rises off the page for myself is *desire* and *interest*. That doesn't have to manifest in continuous communication. It's a feeling. That said, if the styles of interest and desire don't match up, then they don't. I wouldn't bother 'calling her' on it. If you feel disconnected, own that. Disconnect. No need for a parting shot.
Author oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Try and take her out one more time, see how it goes...would you say you're not that interested in her as a defense mechanism or is it something about her personality? That's the plan, assuming she answers the phone next time I call. Her personality is great. My interest is waning slightly just because I haven't seen her for about a week and we haven't been in touch very much, plus it seemed that she was ignoring my attempts to contact her. So I start wondering if she's not very interested, which makes me wonder why I'm bothering. The reason I'm still bothering is because I like her, so I shall persevere a little longer. This whole texting thing is driving me bonkers so I can relate. You should pick up the phone if you want to talk to her. Maybe that is the message she is sending you. I agree, and if she listens to her voice messages she'll find one from me already, but that was a few days ago. I'll try again later.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 To me, content is important. What other proactive statements did she make? Like - 'Hi sweetie, sorry I haven't been in touch as I've been busy. How about we grab dinner tomorrow night, my treat. I'd love to catch up with you' Most people who aren't dead or comatose are busy living their lives. What rises off the page for myself is *desire* and *interest*. That doesn't have to manifest in continuous communication. It's a feeling. That said, if the styles of interest and desire don't match up, then they don't. I wouldn't bother 'calling her' on it. If you feel disconnected, own that. Disconnect. No need for a parting shot. I do agree with Carhill here...what was the content of the text, if you don't mind sharing? If it was a cold, brief "Sorry I've been really busy," and that's it, then yeah, I'd say it's time to pull away a little bit emotionally.
Author oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 In the text she apologised for being out of touch, said she had been busy and tired entertaining friends from out of town over the weekend (although I notice that it's Tuesday now). She expressed hope that I had enjoyed the thing I told her I was going to do at the weekend. So, not all bad, in that she remembered and mentioned what I was doing, but not exactly "let's catch up tonight" either. I suspect she hates texting (can't blame her there) so a phone call tonight is more likely to be more instructive than anything else.
Rinas Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Aw, I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope she comes around. I would honestly just go out and do out my own thing, you aren't exclusive. She has been busy, no reason to stop your life due to such. As others suggested you can try giving her a call and scheduling something, if she uses the ecuse that she's busy i'd move on.
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 So, call her tonight and look for a proactive response. If less than enthusiastic and/or the 'busy' talk starts up again, 'it sounds to me like you're too busy right now to get together so I wish you well' and end the conversation and move on. No harm, no foul. Next.
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I really feel like, in this age of technology that presents us with eight million easily-accessible forms of instant communication, there is really no excuse, and no one is ever "too busy." Certainly one could be too busy to carry out an extensive conversation or reply to texts immediately. But sending a text, shooting a quick phone call, sending an e-mail, etc. all take less time than using the bathroom or eating a snack. There have been times when I've known I was going to have a busy few days and wasn't going to be able to communicate as much with my SO as I normally do (we typically have text conversations daily and phone calls every couple of days). I sent him a text letting him know what was up (that I'd be going from an 8 hour day at my regular job straight to working a 6 hour volunteer fundraiser) and apologizing in advance that I'd be less available than usual. I also still managed to find time to give him a quick "Hey, thinking of you, have a good day!" type text each day (or respond to his). There are way too many ways to communicate with someone that take a fraction of a minute. I don't really believe that anyone could be too busy to utilize one of them once throughout their day. I like this post the best. To put things into context, I have a friend who is currently traveling in Asia right now. He has a cell phone which does not work in Asia. He is on a plane going from country to country nearly every day. When he's on the ground he is mostly working or spending time with his girlfriend. His only means of communication with people back in the US is to hit up an internet cafe or pay for internet service in his hotel room, if the hotels even have it. Yet he still manages to email me at least once a day just to say what's up or answer an email that I sent him. So really, unless this chick is in a prison cell in Siberia doing hard labor, there is no excuse for not taking 30 seconds out of her day to send a simple text or email, or even leave a voicemail.
PhillyDude Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 When someone you've been dating for over a month (but aren't exclusive) doesn't contact you for 4 days, which is unusual, and then eventually breaks radio silence and makes an excuse about being busy, is it ever worth calling them out on their lame excuse? I'm guessing the real reason is that she's just not that into me and, unfortunately, absence is definitely not making the heart grow fonder for me either. A couple of good dates could completely turn this back around, but I'm not holding my breath at this point. Well I'm about to do the same to this girl I'm dating which has been two months. Last night we were talking and the conversation ended abruptly and she said-"let me call you back". And I never heard back from here and today no texts as of yet. So I will not answer any calls or texts until Friday or Saturday. That is one of my biggest pet peeves
Author oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 So really, unless this chick is in a prison cell in Siberia doing hard labor, there is no excuse for not taking 30 seconds out of her day to send a simple text or email, or even leave a voicemail. You mean they don't have cellphones in the gulag?
sm1tten Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 And I never heard back from here and today no texts as of yet. So I will not answer any calls or texts until Friday or Saturday Sigh. This is so full of fail it makes my brain hurt. I think sometimes the problem with technology is that because we know that the other person should have access, we expect that they will make contact. Our expectations, I think, are the real problem. Nevertheless... To answer your original question, I think it's only worth calling people out on the BS excuse if you are interested in taking it to the next level or bailing. Otherwise I'd just maintain the status quo. I suspect you'll know which way the wind is blowing when you speak with her this evening or whenever you talk to her.
Hot Chick Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) In this type of situation, I try to look at it the other way around. When I have a guy I am not interested in who texts me, calls me, etc. a lot, I can take days to return the text/call, or I don't return it at all. There is this old friend who is interested in me and he keeps texting, calling, IMing me on messenger, and often I don't bother to respond. I just don't feel like talking to him. He's been wanting to get together and I really haven't made efforts to do so. He is a performer and recently really wanted me to go to a performance a half hour away from where I live, and I texted him back "I'm sorry, I'm busy that night" (wasn't true).... So when I have a guy who isn't texting, calling, etc. I remember how I am ambivalent to guys I'm not interested in regard to returning texts, calls, etc. and realize this guy is as non-interested in me as I am in the guys I am not interested in who are pursuing me. Make sense? Edited July 19, 2011 by Hot Chick
Author oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Well I'm about to do the same to this girl I'm dating which has been two months. Last night we were talking and the conversation ended abruptly and she said-"let me call you back". And I never heard back from here and today no texts as of yet. So I will not answer any calls or texts until Friday or Saturday. That is one of my biggest pet peeves I'm sorry that she wasn't true to her word on that, but saying that you won't answer calls or texts until Friday or Saturday sounds like some sort of game playing which isn't the most mature thing you can do! She probably ended up on the phone to a girlfriend for hours - girls do that sort of thing - and then was too tired/hungry/bored to call you back. Punishing her with a lack of contact just seems like cutting your nose to spite your face since, presumably, you'd like to hear from her.
Author oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I called her, and left voicemail. She called back and we talked. It turns out that when she said she was busy and tired in her text message she wasn't telling the whole story, and that something significant happened in her personal life that actually turns out to be a very good excuse for not being in touch with someone you're only non-exclusively dating. So I don't need to call her out on her lame excuse, since it turned out that she had a good one. So my instinct that her not being in touch meant that something was wrong was correct, but I guessed incorrectly about what was wrong.
Author oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 No. The thing that happened in her personal life[1] needs resolving first. [1] yes, i'm being cryptic. sorry
carhill Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 OK, then enjoy socializing with other women while she resolves her issue. *She'll call you* when she's ready. If you're available, see how you feel. You may note a slightly cynical tone in my response because I've heard a lifetime of plausible 'reasons'. It has taught me to focus on interest and desire. If I don't perceive that, and only am hearing 'reasons', bye-bye. I'll use an extreme example: 'Thanks for your concern. My father died yesterday and, as you might surmise, it's been a great shock and sadness to us. We're planning the funeral right now. Once things have settled down, I'd definitely like to meet with you and catch up. Our time together has been very meaningful to me. I hope you understand' People have the capacity to balance such pain and sadness with sincere care and interest. It's possible and happens every day. In such an instance, I'd send flowers to the funeral and express my condolences and leave her to grieve. I'd continue to socialize with other ladies and accept her contact when she has recovered sufficiently to socialize.
thatone Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 i'm with carhill. there is no excuse that will hold water. it takes 30 seconds to explain in a text or leave a voice mail. claiming to be too busy to communicate is a lie, there's no way to turn it into anything else.
Author oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 OK, then enjoy socializing with other women while she resolves her issue. *She'll call you* when she's ready. If you're available, see how you feel. You may note a slightly cynical tone in my response because I've heard a lifetime of plausible 'reasons'. It has taught me to focus on interest and desire. If I don't perceive that, and only am hearing 'reasons', bye-bye. You don't sound cynical at all, and yes I shall socialize with other women (subject to finding some who wish to socialize with me).
carhill Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 The positive aspect of accepting her 'reasons' is that it frees you up emotionally to focus on those other social opportunities and be open to them. Acceptance applies appropriate priority to her true place in your life, which right now is in the non-exclusive, non-monogamous place of 'getting to know each other'. Balance is healthy. Hope it works out
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 i'm with carhill. there is no excuse that will hold water. it takes 30 seconds to explain in a text or leave a voice mail. claiming to be too busy to communicate is a lie, there's no way to turn it into anything else. Agree with this. The only times I am "too busy" to hit someone up is when I'm not that interested in communicating with that person.
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