ShatteredDreams Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Probably just for this moment. I just need to vent I guess. This is just my thoughts I feel I need to write on paper or something.... Here I am crying hard over something that happened 5 months ago. I got better, but that didn't last. Now my daily routines to work on myself and keeping busy are no longer enough My ex shows every sign of BPD, but I was also emotionally abusive (became that way after dealing over a year with her accusations, selfishness, emotional and physical abuse, random temper tantrums). I tried everything to make her happy, I was pretty much her errand boy and chauffeur. She cheated on me with the only friend I had left during the relationship, I considered him my best friend. Now I am so mad and sad and want revenge. They hooked up while I was in the hospital after my first suicide attempt, and then she called me a month later to let me know they are together. How can people be so cruel? I can't believe how cruel people can be. My ex-best friend's friends (who used to be my close friends before) are laughing and making fun of the situation. Some even said I'm psychotic and should go and kill myself before I hurt anyone. I never for an instance think about hurting anyone physically. It's funny...I grew so attached to her because after we both argued and cried together, and I tried to end the relationship the first few times, she would say without me she would probably end up killing herself, now she says if I sabotage her relationship with my friend, she will kill herself. I'm trying to forgive and forget, and move on, I'm trying hard. But the thoughts just creep from the back of my mind and take over badly. I also want to end my own life bad at this moment. My therapy ended, went to 2 psychologists, both really sucked. One even told me to turn to religion. I feel like killing myself but I won't. I can't do that to my parents, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my grandma, and my real friends. I am only 20 years old, she was my first love, only person I was able to love, and she made me believe she felt the same. I am young, but I feel like I'm at the end of my life, and I will never love or trust anyone again. The lies she told......all the damn lies. I can't believe I trusted her so much, and my friend... I am not myself, I never thought I would think about ending my own life before...but this one girl, who was so bad for me, makes me feel this way.
sleepykitten Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Youre young, you have youre whole life ahead of you. Please try again with a different therapist. You need to be strong, you can do it, dont let one person dictate your emotions and actions. Its a long tough journey, stick on this forum too, theres some invaluble advice and support out there. Good luck. x
smudge21 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Having suicidal urges but knowing you won't do it is actually a good sign - so many of us feel that low at times in our lives, and the temptation to end it can come along. But knowing that you won't do it is a sign that you are stronger than you realise. You are very young and you've gone through a lot for such a young age. All this will make you stronger. You will move on, grow and meet new people and you'll be a better judge of character. This is a harsh way of showing you who is and who isn't important in your life. Real friends would never act this way, remember that. There's no excuses for their behaviour, so you need to cut all connections and move on from them. You do need someone to talk to so do some Googling for recommended councillors in your area (or a new area should you decide on a total change). You will trust and love again, but I know right now you can't believe that. The pain is so fresh and hurts so much. Don't give up, you'd be throwing away so many future opportunities. Your life has only just begun and the real friends, and the real love, is out there waiting to be found. You're not alone in how you feel and you deserve to feel this way, so accept the pain and fight through it, knowing that it will get better. It always does. You will look back at this time and be unable to recognise the person you were or even why you felt this way. You'll have moved on. Stay strong and keep posting.
Nohbody Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 National suicide prevention hotline is a good resource, even if you don't think you are going to go through with it.
Lisa_H Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 What you have been through may change you and make you a little hard to get close to. However, you are young and you can and WILL get through this. You really do need to consider finding the right kind of coach/counselor that will fit your needs. Not only to help you through this hard time, but to set yourself up for future happy healthy relationships and life in general. Life / Relationship Coaching changed my life and I recommend it to everyone. I had also been to marriage counselors in the past and ended up divorced. However, when I found the right one - it made a world of difference for me in my relationship, finances, children --- everything. Hang in there and keep talking. It helps just to get it out! Keep us updated.
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