HeavenOrHell Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Does anyone like the excitement of being in an LDR? The anticipation and excitement of looking forward to seeing them, then spending an intense and wonderful time rebonding? I love it. I've not read many posts about the pro's of LDR's or people liking certain aspects of it. My worry though is that when we live closer that we will lose that excitement and intensity, I feel he might take me for granted, I don't feel I will him as I made that mistake with my ex. I spent several days with him recently (our longest time together) and he wasn't quite as affectionate (didn't initiate it as much) after about a week, although sex stayed the same, but cuddles, hand holding etc outside of sex weren't initiated as much. Is that quite normal that it can dip a bit after the initial rebonding? Also he was probably feeling more at ease and relaxed with me now he knows me better, and doesn't feel the need for as much affection or reassurance as I do, he feels secure. I don't think intensity can be sustained on a day to day level, I think it goes up and down, not consistent? R/ships which become long term go into a deeper level rather than being intense so much. At first I worried he might be withdrawing from me, things like we didn't sit holding each other at the station when we were sitting waiting for the train to arrive, just a quick hug when the train arrived, or not coming over to hug me while we were cooking like he did at first. It reminded me of my ex withdrawing from me prior to him leaving me. He is an affectionate person, but he's also a loner, also has more confidence in himself, so I think I look to affection for more than he does, reassurance and security. I would rather hug just cos I want to hug him, rather than looking for reassurance and security from it. My ex leaving after 18 years has made me analyse things too much now, I had no insecurity with my ex at all. Me and my ex wanted the same level of affection through our whole r/ship, it felt equal. My ex leaving also makes me crave affection to a high degree, for the reassurance that is needed after a long term break up. I need to make this r/ship about US though and not what happened in my past. Part of me wants to stay long distance forever so the excitement doesn't go. I doubt I would have that excitement though if I weren't seeing him for months, the whole thing would be harder, but every 7-8 weeks is great, also gives me space to get on with my own life here and build on getting my confidence back up. Part of me wishes we lived closer now, part of wants to keep things the way they are long term. So, do you think that intensity and excitement cant be maintained day to day long term?
cerridwen Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Hi HOH, I understand because like you, I don't mind a LDR. It fits my lifestyle quite well, I'm rather independent, and admittedly the longing aspect of it appeals to the Romantic in me. No, I don't believe the intensity can be maintained at the same level once you two move closer together. It's just natural you'll become more accustomed to one another. But as you point out, satisfaction can be found in the deeper knowing, a deeper growing together not possible with continued distance. Regarding intimacy... I agree that while insecurities related to the past are best kept in perspective, it doesn't mean it's wrong to crave affection as a result and to verbalize that need. In fact, I think it's healthy to own the feelings of uncertainty and even tell him how you feel and where it comes from, then ALSO tell him that you're working on it as you don't want it to become an issue. Finally, as you tell him your plans to find more reassurance within yourself, ask him for a big hug . Then hold on. I believe we're blessed with very special men, HOH. That we need lots of affection (whether it stem from old or new hurts or because we're simply huggy) is something that's likely well within their grasp of understanding. Oh, we lucky girls . Edited July 19, 2011 by cerridwen
Ross MwcFan Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 It seems most relationships whether LD or not are intense and exciting at first, but then the excitment wears off. This is when the relationship can end up on a more deeper level, if it doesn't then I guess they'd probably just go their seperate ways.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Me and my ex's bond deepened hugely, we were incredibly close and solid for so long, but we almost became like brother and sister, he left after 18 years, this has left me with fears about losing the excitement. It seems most relationships whether LD or not are intense and exciting at first, but then the excitment wears off. This is when the relationship can end up on a more deeper level, if it doesn't then I guess they'd probably just go their seperate ways.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Love your reply, thanks cerridwen I'm independent too and also after coming out of a very LTR, I want to retain it, I like my own space to some extent, I was a bit too independent with my ex, did my own thing too much and he thought I didn't love or need him the last 3 years or so, so trying to find a balance in my new r/ship. Gives me time to work on the insecurities over my ex leaving too, I don't want that to affect my new r/ship, part of me would love it if my partner were living closer, but part of me is happy with the way things are. As no-one else has replied maybe it's quite rare for people in LDR's to like the excitement and anticipation! I need to lose any anxiety over r/ships becoming boring, me and my ex had such a deep bond yet we still split. Intensity can probably ebb and flow I think in LTR's, I think mine and my ex's did, for 18 years, we still has some passion and intensity in our last year together. The infatuation you have at the start of a r/ship can't last though, not sure I'd want it to tbh! I love my ex as a friend now and always will, sleeping in his and his partner's (she's an old friend of mine) bed tonight as I'm cat sitting for them, slightly odd, but shows how much I've moved on, 2 years on, I was in bits this time 2 years ago I so agree with your last 2 paragraphs I'm a very huggy person in general, it can't be denied:laugh: Hi HOH, I understand because like you, I don't mind a LDR. It fits my lifestyle quite well, I'm rather independent, and admittedly the longing aspect of it appeals to the Romantic in me. No, I don't believe the intensity can be maintained at the same level once you two move closer together. It's just natural you'll become more accustomed to one another. But as you point out, satisfaction can be found in the deeper knowing, a deeper growing together not possible with continued distance. Regarding intimacy... I agree that while insecurities related to the past are best kept in perspective, it doesn't mean it's wrong to crave affection as a result and to verbalize that need. In fact, I think it's healthy to own the feelings of uncertainty and even tell him how you feel and where it comes from, then ALSO tell him that you're working on it as you don't want it to become an issue. Finally, as you tell him your plans to find more reassurance within yourself, ask him for a big hug . Then hold on. I believe we're blessed with very special men, HOH. That we need lots of affection (whether it stem from old or new hurts or because we're simply huggy) is something that's likely well within their grasp of understanding. Oh, we lucky girls .
madjac74 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) As no-one else has replied maybe it's quite rare for people in LDR's to like the excitement and anticipation! I must say that of course the anticipation of knowing they are coming if even just for a day is extremely exciting. But a lot of LDR's do not know or can anticipate the next time they are coming which is extremely more frustrating than exciting. I and my GF are both very independent as well and when she lived here I got just as much excitement during a busy week knowing I'd see her friday night. I was in a marriage where I felt smothered so I can handle and understand the need for independence but months and months is ridiculous Edited July 21, 2011 by madjac74
Citizen Erased Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 All of the excitement and thrill of finally being able to see him was kinda cancelled out by the whole not seeing him for crazy amounts of time. Sure, I got the whole bed to myself, I could choose what to eat and what to do every day. But now it's all done, I don't miss the thrill or stretching out at night. No relationship will sustain those levels of excitement and intensity, but I'd be a bit concerned if that is what you'd prefer to have around than the actual person. Myself, I'll take a boring old life with my husband in the same hemisphere as me any day.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 You sometimes hear of couples 'spicing things up a bit' when the passion dies. I wonder if that ever works? And what on Earth would it entail? Or does that only refer to sex?
LittleTiger Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 All of the excitement and thrill of finally being able to see him was kinda cancelled out by the whole not seeing him for crazy amounts of time. Sure, I got the whole bed to myself, I could choose what to eat and what to do every day. But now it's all done, I don't miss the thrill or stretching out at night. No relationship will sustain those levels of excitement and intensity, but I'd be a bit concerned if that is what you'd prefer to have around than the actual person. Myself, I'll take a boring old life with my husband in the same hemisphere as me any day. ^^^ This! I envy you CE. How I yearn for the 'boredom' of living together. HOH, I think the difference in you and your partner's 'hug requirements' is just a difference in how you both are as people. I certainly wouldn't put it down to a change in intensity of the relationship - at least not this early on. Whether you match in terms of your need for affection is perhaps something that needs to be considered for the future. Wanting to continue living apart in the longer term for the sake of maintaining 'excitement' in a relationship is highly unusual. It sounds as though, in your mind, you are switching from LDR out of necessity to LDR out of choice. Personally, I find that a little worrying and I would look carefully at what is bringing about this 'change of heart'. Could it perhaps be a self protection strategy? (If we never live together, then everything will stay the same and he'll never leave me?). How would you feel if you found out he was thinking along the same lines? If he said that he enjoys the relationship as it is, so why go through the stress of moving countries if you're both happy with the status quo? Of course if an LDR without end is what suits you both then maybe for you its the right thing, but I'd be careful of expecting the excitement to be sustained just because of the distance. There is always a time when a relationship becomes more comfortable than in the initial 'infatuation' stages and it always takes work to maintain the passion and the romance in the longer term - LDR or not!
Author HeavenOrHell Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) I loved the 'boredom' and day to day life with my ex, I wanted him for life, but in hindsight I missed the passion we'd had in the beginning, it's mostly my fault we were lacking it the last 3 years admittedly, but he still bailed even after I did everything I could to put things right. I took him and our solidity and security for granted, now I'm scared my partner will do the same to me. He is affectionate, it's just there was a change after a week together, if he'd always been at that level of initiating hugs/hand holding I wouldn't have worried. I think, realistically it's just that he levels out a bit after a few days of rebonding, and I'm just a very cuddly person (he is too, but not as much as me) in general/day to day, but I am aware it's also my insecurities over my ex leaving which makes me need more cuddles than him, so I'm working on it I've been doing too much analysing, I just want to enjoy things and not worry about small things. Most of the time I'm happy with us. I'd question his love for me if he said he'd never move So I've got double standards But I know the thought overwhelms him, so I'd think he's happy delaying it indefinitely anyway. I don't have a change of heart as such, it's more I was worried he was cooling off a bit and this was my reaction to it, keep him at arm's length so he can't get bored, yes it's self protection, although I feel better to some extent after talking to friends about it and seeing things more realistically, so I now don't feel he was backing off, and he's been as loving as ever since we've been apart. I think he is affectionate enough for me, if he turns out not to be then it would be a problem, but I also need to not suffocate him, and to cuddle him because I want to, because I love him more than for reassurance, it *is* mostly cos I love him though and want to be close to him. It is a worry if I'd rather keep it LD forever, I don't think I want that really, I said to him I'm worried if we live closer that we'll take each for granted, although I am sure I won't him as I've learnt from my past mistakes, not sure he won't me though. I said I'd also be happy if he were living here at the moment. So I'm confused ^^^ This! I envy you CE. How I yearn for the 'boredom' of living together. HOH, I think the difference in you and your partner's 'hug requirements' is just a difference in how you both are as people. I certainly wouldn't put it down to a change in intensity of the relationship - at least not this early on. Whether you match in terms of your need for affection is perhaps something that needs to be considered for the future. Wanting to continue living apart in the longer term for the sake of maintaining 'excitement' in a relationship is highly unusual. It sounds as though, in your mind, you are switching from LDR out of necessity to LDR out of choice. Personally, I find that a little worrying and I would look carefully at what is bringing about this 'change of heart'. Could it perhaps be a self protection strategy? (If we never live together, then everything will stay the same and he'll never leave me?). How would you feel if you found out he was thinking along the same lines? If he said that he enjoys the relationship as it is, so why go through the stress of moving countries if you're both happy with the status quo? Of course if an LDR without end is what suits you both then maybe for you its the right thing, but I'd be careful of expecting the excitement to be sustained just because of the distance. There is always a time when a relationship becomes more comfortable than in the initial 'infatuation' stages and it always takes work to maintain the passion and the romance in the longer term - LDR or not! Edited July 22, 2011 by HeavenOrHell
Author HeavenOrHell Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 I'm happy when I don't over think or analyse/look out for problems Things are actually going really well
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