lonelynyc Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 As a dumpee who just made it through week 2 of a break up, I still think about the person I lost all the time. I'm sure many of you have heard a variation of this line when being left by a significant other: "You're just not the person I originally fell in love with." I know I did. Sure, when we start dating someone, we typically put our best foot forward... Over time, if your relationship is grounded in real love, every wart, flaw, etc. comes to light. And we all have them. My ex cut and run. I don't blame her for that necessarily, I couldn't make her happy anymore... I made mistakes in the past too. But to be told you're not good enough, when you were for months or even years, is just such a slap in the face. In my own breakup I have experienced a depth of coldness and indifference from my ex that I never imagined her to be capable of. She told me she'd be there for me no matter what, that she'd always care about me, no matter what (even if we didn't end up staying together). She wasn't being completely truthful, none of our exes were. That's the worst part, the feeling that someone who cared so deeply for me was able to turn it off so quickly. It has me questioning how much she cared to begin with. The fact is, often times, we don't really know them and what they're about until it's too late. Anybody come to this sort of realization about their ex, but still really love them like crazy? That's where I am right now, I really can't rationalize how much I love my ex, despite seeing such a massive personality overhaul on her part in a matter of weeks.
wilsonx Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Yes, I agree with a lot of what you have to say but you should be looking forward to. I talk to a lot of people all the time and everyone has that one relationship where they get crushed. I am 29 and just had my first crushing relationship. Others hurt, others just did not work. But this one I just did not see it coming but in hindsight, the signs were there and I know what they are now. But you have to look forward and believe that there is someone better for you out there that wants to put in the same effort that you do. I see it all the time, happy people, happy couples. One of my new friends said the same thing happened to him 2 years ago and you know what his new gf is the best thing that has ever happened to him and she is pretty awesome
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Wilsonx is spot on. And I know how you are feeling. I still felt that I would take my ex back at any moment no matter what for about 6 or 7 weeks. I knew she was seeing someone, new she took to drinking heavily, and even knew she turned to drugs but I still said in my mind "I can live with that... we can make it through this". That feeling will go away after a while and you will start thinking logically about everything that happened during the relationship and after the breakup. I bet I wouldn't be to far off when I say in about a month you're going to look back at this and wonder "wtf was I thinking".
shortee143 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 One of my good girl friends said to me "you never really know someone til they breakup with you"...going with that, I see how my ex is, and not in a million years would I have expected his handling of the breakup, nor his behavior after it. We were friends prior to dating, and still share about a million mutual friends, so I am stuck still "dealing" with him. I can respect a breakup to the fullest, but not when done so callously, and to have no tact or respect for the person after. It is like they dump you- then poof your nothing and worthy of no respect. Oddly enough- of course I still have love for him....more so, love for the person I THOUGHT he was, or knew him to be. His behavior post break devastates me, and angers me..so my feelings are skewed too. It is all disappointing to see someone act in a way you never knew them to be.
thelovingkind Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 They are the people we fell in love with, they're just no longer the people who fell in love with us. That's the crushing bit to deal with post break-up. I love that quote though, "You never really know someone until they break up with you" - I can feel that I'm gonna bring that out on future occasions.
Author lonelynyc Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) What has really shocked me is my ex's self-centeredness as of late. I guess I'm just the sucker who unreasonably held onto the loftiest perception of a woman who, at the end of the day, is only human. Still, she didn't exactly expose this selfish side of her personality very often in the past. She always affirmed that she wanted the best for me and to see me happy. Yet, her post-breakup behavior has been extremely detrimental to me. She drops in and out with phone calls that inspire hope (even of a friendship), but the more I think about it the more sick I get because I know she's calling just because she's lonely and/or bored. It's obvious because as soon as the weekend arrives, and, presumably, she has some social distractions, I fall off her radar again. It's manipulative. Yes, I do half of this **** to myself just by picking up the phone. The wounds are so fresh and I am still (so irrationally) in love, and I think my ex has been preying on all of this. I never thought it would come to this. That she would run so roughshod all over my heart. Edited July 19, 2011 by lonelynyc
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 They are the people we fell in love with, they're just no longer the people who fell in love with us. That's the crushing bit to deal with post break-up. I love that quote though, "You never really know someone until they break up with you" - I can feel that I'm gonna bring that out on future occasions. I feel this is only partly true, and here's why. I didn't fall in love with my ex right off, only had a crush on her. I didn't fall in love with her until I knew she at least had a crush on me and was telling me how much she loved me. So the person I fell in love with loved me back and would never hurt me. I guess I already have my defences about falling in love with someone that doesn't love or at least care about me. That love/caring aspect is something I feel that most of us take into consideration before seriously giving ourselves to the other person. So in a sense I see truth in what you say, but I also feel that if my ex doesn't love me... then that's NOT the girl I fell in love with. Again I feel it's a gray area and I definitely see truth in what you are saying but I don't think that is the case for how everyone operates.
thelovingkind Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I feel this is only partly true, and here's why. I didn't fall in love with my ex right off, only had a crush on her. I didn't fall in love with her until I knew she at least had a crush on me and was telling me how much she loved me. So the person I fell in love with loved me back and would never hurt me. I guess I already have my defences about falling in love with someone that doesn't love or at least care about me. That love/caring aspect is something I feel that most of us take into consideration before seriously giving ourselves to the other person. So in a sense I see truth in what you say, but I also feel that if my ex doesn't love me... then that's NOT the girl I fell in love with. Again I feel it's a gray area and I definitely see truth in what you are saying but I don't think that is the case for how everyone operates. Yeah, I can see that as well actually. It might be more accurate to say that they are not the people we fell in love with because they are not the people who fell in love with us. In saying that, I know that even though when I see my ex's photo or facebook profile that he appears as a distant stranger who I can't really imagine being in love with or feeling any strong emotion for anymore, if I'm totally honest with myself, and I met my ex today for the first time, and we were having our first conversation and I was looking through his facebook profile for the very first time, I would probably feel that first pulse of desire and chemistry and spark and potential and I imagine it would go down a similar path as before. In that sense, he is still the person I fell in love with.
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