daphne Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Over a year ago, a guy starting talking to me at work and I rebuffed him, as I felt he was too smooth, and I saw the wedding band on his finger. Later he teased me about it, but continued to pursue a friendship. I figured that, if he could accept that I wasn't interested in helping anyone cheat and was truly only interested in friendship, we could be friends. However, now, I'm not so sure I wasn't being naive. I have male friends that are married or getting married. But I made those friends PRIOR to their current relationships. And their significant others may or may not have met me, but they do know about me. I do not think this guy's wife knows who I am. This weekend he asked me to grab something to eat with him twice. I found that odd. He should be spending his time with his wife. From waht I understand, she wasn't available. Still, it seemed inappropriate. Do I cut this guy loose? One of my best friends who is getting married soon said he thinks I should. Because there's no way he'd hide his female friendships from his fiancée.
Imajerk17 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Yes you should. His asking you to lunch or coffee or tea or ice cream or a protein shake or whatever on the weekend when "the wife isn't around" is crossing a boundary (whether the wife is really around or not). And he knows it. Although I don't know if it is wise to do so explicitly, just keep more of a distance from him. PS: Daphne, I would be especially interested in your take on my thread please... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287964/ Edited July 19, 2011 by Imajerk17
iris219 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 What’s in it for you? How would you benefit from hanging out with a married man? Since you work together, having lunch during the week would be OK, but it would be inappropriate to hang out with him on the weekends. Even if he’s not trying to sleep with you (he probably is), he may be looking to benefit from your company emotionally. He might want a woman who makes him feel valued in ways his wife doesn’t, which is also inappropriate. You should suggest that the three of you (you, him, his wife) get dinner sometime. See what he says. I did this to a man with a girlfriend who asked me to dinner and he got VERY uncomfortable.
manders_01 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Have you and the wife met? Does she know you and her husband are friends? If so, then there seems to be no reason for you not to meet up with your friend. But I'm guessing she doesn't. And if that is the case, I'd say get away from him.
make me believe Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Wouldn't you feel weird hanging out with a married man without his wife around? I would find that extremely odd & uncomfortable. You even said yourself that you doubt his wife knows about you. That itself tells you a lot. I think you should drop this "friendship."
Author daphne Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Yes you should. His asking you to lunch or coffee or tea or ice cream or a protein shake or whatever on the weekend when "the wife isn't around" is crossing a boundary (whether the wife is really around or not). And he knows it. Although I don't know if it is wise to do so explicitly, just keep more of a distance from him. PS: Daphne, I would be especially interested in your take on my thread please... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287964/ I tend to agree. I'm not into crossing boundaries with married people. I just know that my intentions are completely pure. I am uninterested in anything other than a friendship. What’s in it for you? How would you benefit from hanging out with a married man? Since you work together, having lunch during the week would be OK, but it would be inappropriate to hang out with him on the weekends. Even if he’s not trying to sleep with you (he probably is), he may be looking to benefit from your company emotionally. He might want a woman who makes him feel valued in ways his wife doesn’t, which is also inappropriate. You should suggest that the three of you (you, him, his wife) get dinner sometime. See what he says. I did this to a man with a girlfriend who asked me to dinner and he got VERY uncomfortable. We have been pretty good co-commiserators, since our jobs are pretty stressful. I side step personal talk about his marriage, as I feel that's off limits. He has, a couple of times, fished for compliments. I distanced myself at that time. He seemed to respect that boundary. Perhaps I should recommend this. It would put it out there. Or I could just be blunt and tell him that I am uncomfortable grabbing lunch/dinner on the weekend with a married guy. He knows how I feel about it. But I am suspicious that he really is looking for something more than a work friendship. Have you and the wife met? Does she know you and her husband are friends? If so, then there seems to be no reason for you not to meet up with your friend. But I'm guessing she doesn't. And if that is the case, I'd say get away from him. We have not met.
Author daphne Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Wouldn't you feel weird hanging out with a married man without his wife around? I would find that extremely odd & uncomfortable. You even said yourself that you doubt his wife knows about you. That itself tells you a lot. I think you should drop this "friendship." I would. That's why I haven't. We've grabbed lunch a couple of times, but we usually just go back to the office and eat. It's rare either of us has time to eat out. Which suits me fine. I hate that I am always proven wrong about men. You can't just be friends without them wanting something more.
Author daphne Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 As I said in the other thread this about getting external validation. The married guy gets validated by going after women. These men also learn to recognize women that are thirsty for the same external validation. I am quite certain the op feels gratification when this man makes a move. The mm knows this and that is why he is after her. If the op was not giving him the vibe he would not try. Sometimes perennially single women get so frustrated with the dating game that they accept the mm. Don't be silly. I get plenty of validation elsewhere from my friends or single men. I don't need or want it from a married man. The only reason I allowed this friendship in the first place, was that he seemed to respect my boundaries very early on, that he treat me like one of the guys. But since then, he seems to slip here and there and is hoping I wont' notice.
Author daphne Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 That is why you have so many married men as friends. Then you complain they come to you. What are they suppose to do? You give them signals that suggest you are looking for validation. Oh brother. Nowhere did I say I have a lot of married men as friends? I don't. I have a few friends that have gotten married, after having been friends for years. That's not a lot. And it's not the same circumstances, since the wives have either met me or know who I am. I'm not giving them any mixed signals. You are on a wild goose chase.
make me believe Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I am quite certain the op feels gratification when this man makes a move. The mm knows this and that is why he is after her. If the op was not giving him the vibe he would not try. I didn't get this vibe from her post at all. If this were true I think she would have felt flattered that he wanted to meet up over the weekend & done it without a second thought. HE is the inappropriate one here, not her. I hate that I am always proven wrong about men. You can't just be friends without them wanting something more. Yeah, I honestly think that truly platonic friendships between the opposite sex are extremely rare.
GG3 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I don't think she wants attention. I have been in this position before and have had married friends like this. I have never really had a lot of friends so I would be friends with them. I also wanted to be nice to everyone. I finally realized that you can't. It's not a real friendship anyway. These married guys want attention. Not friendship. It always gets in the way...they always try to cross lines even if it's just emotional. I have learned not to do anything with them at all and they usually try to find someone else for their attention.
Imajerk17 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I want to stress that all the blame so to speak rests on this other guy and NOT on daphne. He is the one crossing the boundary by asking her to hang out with him. Maybe he is unhappy in his marriage. I hear that this isn't that uncommon. Makes me feel that compared to that, being single is actually pretty good.
oaks Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Do I cut this guy loose? One of my best friends who is getting married soon said he thinks I should. Because there's no way he'd hide his female friendships from his fiancée. I think this is one of those times when you should go with your gut reaction.
mo mo Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 soooo let me get this straight A guy who is "too smooth" is a turn off? A red flag??
Author daphne Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 soooo let me get this straight A guy who is "too smooth" is a turn off? A red flag?? Yes. It implies player, liar, cheat you name it. Especially when they have a wedding band. I prefer a guy without the wedding band, and who is not that smooth with women. Regular guy, so to speak.
Author daphne Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 The intention was to let the guy know I wasn't comfortable with where the "friendship" was going, however, I was unable to. I guess I'll have to do that at a later time when I'm not dealing with other drama. After being cussed out a week ago by the guy I was seeing over incredibly stupid things, my friend and coworker hit me at work. Now I have to consider whether I want to get HR involved. I'd like to just have my simple getridofmarriedguy problem back. I swear, people are really, really crazy.
oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I swear, people are really, really crazy. Men go crazy for beautiful women, Daphne.
mo mo Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Yes. It implies player, liar, cheat you name it. Especially when they have a wedding band. I prefer a guy without the wedding band, and who is not that smooth with women. Regular guy, so to speak. Awww come on.. not every smooth guy is like that. Tsk tsk!! ANyways, hope you catch a wave of good luck soon.
EasyHeart Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 The intention was to let the guy know I wasn't comfortable with where the "friendship" was going, however, I was unable to. I guess I'll have to do that at a later time when I'm not dealing with other drama. After being cussed out a week ago by the guy I was seeing over incredibly stupid things, my friend and coworker hit me at work. Now I have to consider whether I want to get HR involved. I'd like to just have my simple getridofmarriedguy problem back. I swear, people are really, really crazy. I am so glad I'm not a woman!
Author daphne Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Men go crazy for beautiful women, Daphne. Crazy, or stupid? he he Awww come on.. not every smooth guy is like that. Tsk tsk!! ANyways, hope you catch a wave of good luck soon. Me too, lad. Me too. I am so glad I'm not a woman! I don't know. You might be better as a woman.
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