I think he's totally lost interest in me after taking my virginity? I feel heartbroke

July 18, 2011

Ok so for the last couple of months I have been really happy for a number of reasons, mainly due my confidence being pretty much near-replenished after a course of counseling sessions, and also because I thought I was falling in love with this guy I was seeing.

Only it seems he doesn't feel the same way back. I've always had this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that he was never interested in having a proper relationship with me, but I can see now the way in which I would naively (or perhaps, desperately) blame this on other factors like not him being ready etc. I'm never sure where I am with him. He has made it obvious we're 'not in a relationship' but I always thought he still wanted one at some point, and really liked me the way I do him.

Also I should note that he still has pictures of his girlfriend on his bedroom wall, does that mean anything? It must be more than a year since they split.

When we meet up we usually only meet up in the evenings, which basically consist of us driving around and then sexual activity. But we still go out for walks and things together, just not that often.

Writing this down, I can't believe I could be so blind. Surely he must have seen me as some sort of sex buddy and nothing more? But he's so sweet, and he cares for me and bought me gifts and makes me feel loved. We have lot's of fun when we hang out, and talk about all sorts of things and share a lot in common, and he sends me the cutest texts. He hasn't text me since Friday though, and I texted him today- he replied but hasn't answered my response since.

When he texts he usually always calls me gorgeous or sexy or angel face, or compliments me in some way. Does he do this just to get in my pants? I mean we do text about a whole range of things, and we talk about stuff like friends do, but the texts always seem to end up getting sexual.

It should be said that we met on a dating site, and I've been seeing him since I met him last November. I've really grown attached to him. I think I've fallen for him. At one point I was sure he was hinting that we be exclusive, but then the next day it was like nothing had happened. He used to text me asking if I really liked him, because he felt like he was 'more into me then I was him'. I have trust issues which makes it hard for me to open up with feelings, which I explained.

Now it seems the other way- I like him more than he likes me. I'm 19 and he's 25, and I was TOTALLY inexperienced sexually when I met him. I'm very self conscious and when it comes to sexual stuff, and when I'm with him sometimes tense up and occasionally freeze because...well he's the first sexual partner I've had. The first boyfriend I've had, actually. But he's been very patient and considerate.

Anyway let me get to the main part. Well a week ago, I realised how I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I was aware of this strange feeling I'd never felt before. It was scary and lovely. Would it blossom into love? I was so happy, because it felt like I was finally being myself with somebody, and they liked me, faults and all! This was a major breakthrough for me, because I have been suffereing from low-self esteem and mild depression on and off for my whole life (sincerely don't mean that to sound as angsty and self-pitying as it does written here).

So, we were fooling around in the car and he asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I agreed, and I lost my virginity to him. It was a bit of a let down because it hurt SO much and it was pretty awkward and not very sexy in general. But I thought to myself, 'Hey, it was my first time, hopefully now my hymen's broken and the first-time pain's over and done with I can put everything into it next time!'.

But now I wonder if my performance is why he's stopped texting me as much? You see, he did text me for about two days afterwards as normal, calling me things like angel face and asking for pics of me and stuff, but then suddenly on Friday... it was like he went cold. He didn't text me like usual, and I decided to make the first move and text him today, and like I said he replied once, but hasn't texted me since my response aftewards.

Ah, and a few minutes ago I discovered something which has made me feel absolutely heartbroken. I went on to the dating website I met him on and checked his profile and I could see that this morning he had completely re-written his profile. And It was obvious that he was still looking for someone. And I think it is apparent that the someone isn't me. Otherwise why would he write a profile, obviously looking for someone, if he hasn't got that someone already? I'm not his someone

If he really felt the same way about me as I do him, then Im pretty sure he wouldn't feel the need to carry on looking for someone on this website. I thought he really liked me. I thought we would grow closer after having sex. I feel so used. I know it's not his fault, I mean we were never 'in a relationship' but I'm sure we were heading that way because of the way he treated me. He used to say how he missed me and wanted to take care of me. But maybe he didn't feel I was relationship material. Did he have second thoughts after we had sex for the first time? I've never been the best at being sexy because I'm so timid, so maybe I just totally put him off? It was so painful that I probably made some real weird faces.

Oh god. This really hurts. I really like him. Have I blown it? How do I get over this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, every time I think about that dating profile I want to cry.

Thanks for reading this, I know it's been kind of long

Edited July 18, 2011 by weewoo

July 18, 2011

Oh God. I'm sorry you have to go through this. My heart broke for you just reading it. I know you're in love with him but from the outside this guy looks like a dick who isn't worth your time.

There's also something slightly sleazy to me about a 25-year-old guy who would be dating a 19-year-old. It's not wrong, but I guess it just seems immature. At that age six years is huge. I think you would have better luck getting involved with a guy closer to your age. Guys 25+ who date teenagers are likely to be a bit smarmy.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling -- to have someone take advantage of your vulnerability like that. I would completely cut him off if you're able to. I know it's hard to do now but you won't regret it one day.

July 18, 2011

Thank you for your empathy. I never really thought about the age difference before but maybe you're right. I don't think he would take advantage of me though, but then again I have a horrible feeling I've been quite gullible throughout our relationship.

Do you really think I should sever contact with him? He is still a really nice guy, maybe he's not aware of what he's doing? Maybe I'm reading too much into things.

Or am I kidding myself? I don't even know! I just feel so confused with it all.

Edited July 18, 2011 by weewoo

July 18, 2011

It seems like he knew he could control you without even trying because of the experience gap. That's the point I think the other poster is alluding to. It was immature of him because he preyed on someone 'weaker', not that you're weak, but you just didn't know.

Anyway, what's done is done, and at least now when you find a good guy you don't have to have that awkward, virgin-sex. It will probably still hurt some though. Anyway, you seem pretty level headed, so take what you've learned from this and use it in your future romantic dealings. Driving around and making out isn't a date, nor a sign of someone showing real interest in you. Especially from a dating site. Most attractive people on there are going to have a slew of interested people. When I used dating sites, it was exclusively to get laid, and if I thought there was potential beyond that, I'd passively pursue while pursuing others. Like I said, you seem pretty levelheaded so, just take this and learn from it and don't let it jade you to relationships.

And yes, you should sever contact with him.

July 18, 2011

Does not sound he is interested any more, but what I would do, ask how him what he things about being exclusive and see what happens

good luck

July 18, 2011

Oh God. I'm sorry you have to go through this. My heart broke for you just reading it. I know you're in love with him but from the outside this guy looks like a dick who isn't worth your time.

There's also something slightly sleazy to me about a 25-year-old guy who would be dating a 19-year-old. It's not wrong, but I guess it just seems immature. At that age six years is huge. I think you would have better luck getting involved with a guy closer to your age. Guys 25+ who date teenagers are likely to be a bit smarmy.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling -- to have someone take advantage of your vulnerability like that. I would completely cut him off if you're able to. I know it's hard to do now but you won't regret it one day.

Sweetie, not too long ago, people were marrying with 5-6-7->10+ years apart. The age difference is nothing.

Thank you for your empathy. I never really thought about the age difference before but maybe you're right. I don't think he would take advantage of me though, but then again I have a horrible feeling I've been quite gullible throughout our relationship.

Do you really think I should sever contact with him? He is still a really nice guy, maybe he's not aware of what he's doing? Or am I kidding myself? I don't even know! I just feel so confused with it all.

I was always made the best out of every situation. Despite this being difficult for you, there are positives to take away from this.

A) The most important thing is that you got your confidence again.

B) You're more experienced with men.

C) You're no longer a virgin, making the next sexual encounters not only easier physically, but emotionally as well. Seeing as that aura of "lovey-dovey"-ness wore off.

July 18, 2011

Ugh, I feel sorry you weewoo. The fact that he still had pictures of his girlfriend on his wall while you were there was kind of a red flag in my opinion. Some guys, no let me rephrase that, many guys on dating websites are looking for (easy) sex. Then after they get what they want they (often) disappear or do a fade-out.

I'm not saying that this is what is what he has in mind, but it's possible, since he rewrote his profile after you guys had sex. I also feel bad for you because your first time had to be in a car. In my opinion a quality guy would have picked a location with more class, since it was your first time. Also if he knew you were a virgin he could have asked if he was hurting you.

Not sure what else to say. You say he's great, but from the things I'm reading I'm getting a different impression. It's possible that due to your crush you're masking out his faults and ignoring any red flags.

July 18, 2011

Sweetie, not too long ago, people were marrying with 5-6-7->10+ years apart. The age difference is nothing.

6 years is a big difference at that age. 19 is still basically a kid while 25 is very much an adult.

July 18, 2011

I thought we would grow closer after having sex. I feel so used.

Trust your feeling.

I know it's not his fault, I mean we were never 'in a relationship' but I'm sure we were heading that way because of the way he treated me.

How was it not his fault? He was the one leading, the one who is more "mature", the one who led you on, the one who isn't being consistant

He used to say how he missed me and wanted to take care of me. But maybe he didn't feel I was relationship material.

Is he a relationship material to you? A man's character shows after the beginning stage. If his character and interest doesn't sustain, that means he is pretending in order to get something. The one who you fall in love is not the real him.

Did he have second thoughts after we had sex for the first time? I've never been the best at being sexy because I'm so timid, so maybe I just totally put him off? It was so painful that I probably made some real weird faces.

These things are natural. If you are human, you do these things. The problem here is that you don't feel secure with this man and accepted by him. If one day you find one who accept you with warts and all, and feel secure being yourself when with him, then he is a keeper.

July 18, 2011

Sweetie, not too long ago, people were marrying with 5-6-7->10+ years apart. The age difference is nothing.

I don't think age matters in relationships, but I do think it's quite a bit easier for someone to manipulate another when they've got such a wide experience gap. A 25 year old has access to so much more(presumably) and it's pretty much the equivalent of a high school senior, dating a 7th grader as far as experience. It's an unfair psychological advantage.

July 19, 2011

I don't think age matters in relationships, but I do think it's quite a bit easier for someone to manipulate another when they've got such a wide experience gap. A 25 year old has access to so much more(presumably) and it's pretty much the equivalent of a high school senior, dating a 7th grader as far as experience. It's an unfair psychological advantage.

And that's why guys in such cases need to act responsible and as THE responsible one. Many guys though really do not give a f*ck, all they think about is p*ssy and they'll smooth talk and slime their way into girls their panties like a slippery eel. Once you see the consequences of that, i.e. the hurt girls and their broken hearts, then it becomes apparent that what those guys do is in no way respectable.

July 19, 2011

And that's why guys in such cases need to act responsible and as THE responsible one. Many guys though really do not give a f*ck, all they think about is p*ssy and they'll smooth talk and slime their way into girls their panties like a slippery eel. Once you see the consequences of that, i.e. the hurt girls and their broken hearts, then it becomes apparent that what those guys do is in no way respectable.

I agree with that, but that is simply not realistic. Plus, I don't see any dating police. There is NO repercussion for behaving poorly, men or women.

So instead of saying men and women in advantageous positions should be more considerate, I say men and women should take personal responsibility and learn to protect themselves. You CAN'T make your decisions banking on the niceness of other people. I lock my doors at night instead of hoping people are nice enough to not go into my house and steal my stuff. I save money for my own rainy days instead of hoping someone will give me money to bail me out when I'm down on my luck. So why can we suddenly depend on other people being nice when it comes to relationships and feelings?

Anyway weewoo, I'm really sorry this happened to you. This has NOTHING to do with you, you did not do anything wrong. It was him. Some people are takers. There are here to take what they want and leave. But with experience, you'll:

1) Be able to handle these situations, and move on. We all fall down sometimes. We all get punched in the face sometimes. The first time always feel like the sky fell on us. But you learn to deal with it.

2) Be able to spot people that are bad for you sooner.

I'm 40 years old, I'd like to think I have enough dating experience. But recently I still fell for "Material Girl" anyway. But at least I didn't invest too much before she showed her true colors. It was still unpleasant. But I kept everything controlled to a manageable level.

This is what happens when you date. Usually you'll find bad people, once in a while you'll find a good person.

Don't feel bad because you fell for a bad person. As long as you are wise enough to pull yourself out and disconnect, mission accomplished. It's an experience. All experiences help you, whether good or bad.

As for virginity, I'm sorry but there's nothing special about it. In fact, personally I wouldn't date a virgin, and I'm not the only man that thinks this way. Bottom line, no STD, no pregnancy, then you're good. For single adults, consensual sex is nothing. Focus on the right things -- finding someone that you are attracted to, AND they treat you well, AND you are compatible. Believe me, that's not easy to do, but it can and will happen, as long as you learn your lesson but not dwell on it, and keep your eyes open.

July 19, 2011

weewoo, you didn't scare this guy off. He got what he wanted and now he's done. It sucks, but hopefully you can turn this into a learning experience. Trust your instincts, for one, and stop second-guessing the red flags. Stop blaming yourself for his piss-poor behavior; only take responsibility for your own. You were not dating this person, it doesn't sound like it was a real relationship headed anywhere, and his actions are telling you that he is not the someone for you.

I have been in your shoes. I lost my virginity at 19 to a guy who was a bit older and had me wrapped around his finger. Turned out that not only was I not really dating him, I wasn't the only one sleeping with him - he was sleeping with my best friend and his ex girlfriend, too. For a long time I believed that I had somehow not been "good" enough for him and that if I had only tried a little harder he would have picked me. That type of thinking followed me into my next relationship and it made it harder for me to connect with my partner. You don't want to have that happen. You don't want to give anyone that much power over your life, especially when they're not even in it!

You can be strong enough to get through this. I promise. I also really, really hope that you used protection.

July 19, 2011

Wow. I really mean it when I say I'm grateful for all your input. Thanks so much. I've got to hurry with this post because I'm already late for work, but I have a lot to think over while I'm there.

July 19, 2011

Aww, you sound so sweet! I'm sorry you are hurting.

Did this guy know you were a virgin before he had sex with you?

July 20, 2011

Thanks. Yeah he did know I was a virgin. I'm thinking of texting him if he hasn't texted me for a week, saying I get the impression he doesn't want to continue the realtionship and that''s okay, but asking for a reason for why he's gone cold. Do you think that's a good idea? I just want some closure really.

Reading all these posts has made me realise a lot of things which I had perhaps been aware of, but pushed to the back of my mind all too quickly because of my infatuation. I'm glad I posted this on here, because getting a objective view of the situation has helped me to rationalise this and not blame everything on me/acted like a victim, which I would have done otherwise.

Edited July 20, 2011 by weewoo

July 20, 2011

I'm thinking of texting him if he hasn't texted me for a week, saying I get the impression he doesn't want to continue the realtionship and that''s okay, but asking for a reason for why he's gone cold. Do you think that's a good idea? I just want some closure really.

Calling is usually better than texting, especially where there's been some sort of disconnect. Be prepared to leave a (short) message if he doesn't answer.

Unfortunately one of life's lessons is that sometimes you don't get closure. Good luck!

July 20, 2011

If you want closure, I think you should call him and say in a very calm, mature, and reasonable voice, "What you did really hurt me."

People like that deserve to feel some guilt, but if you freak out, yell, or cry, he will justify it in his head that you were crazy anyway. Just let him know how his actions affected you and leave him no wiggle room to put it back on you.

July 20, 2011

I'm sorry you are hurting so much over this.

Some advice from a woman (now 46) who chose not to 'lose' my virginity many years ago... I freakin' tossed it with both hands the minute I thought I was old enough (17).

It is mostly women who have this concept of virginity being special. Oh, and insecure men who want their future wives to be untouched.

It sounds like, to this guy you were seeing, sex with you was just sex for him. You, on the other hand, have gotten wrapped up in the magical symbolism around your 'first time'.

I shouldn't completely diss people who have magical symbolism for virginity. However, IMHO, those people really need to (and often do) wait until marriage. And not just the woman either.

You chose not to, which is totally fine (and in my opinion, probably healthier). I'd argue against contacting him in any way. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing your feelings at all? How is telling him how hurt you are going to change anything except you feeling like a doormat?

I know it sucks now, but the GREAT news is that you've been released from this stupid baggage placed on your sexuality by our culture, and you can go find someone who really cares about you.

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I think he's totally lost interest in me after taking my virginity? I feel heartbroke

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