My ex who left me and got married is now recently single, and I am not. Thoughts

[AloneinTexas]

First off, I’d like to mention that I hope this is in the right category, as I’m not sure…

Me: 30/m in a relationship of over a year.

Backstory: Back in 2006, I dated this girl seriously, for roughly 7 months. I fell pretty hard and she did too. She professed her infatuation for me and we started dating (I would see her sometimes at the neighboring college in the sport we both played). We broke up after 7 months and in that time we both dated 1 or 2 people. Reasons for the breakup were really her not being able to deal with myself not being expressive enough (She also has daddy issues etc). 3 months later we decide to give it another go. Date another 7 months. I go on a trip with buddies to Mexico and get broken up with (as my trip also fell on her birthday to which she was salty about) over email. She found someone else at a running race and immediately hit it off the day she broke up with me. They move in together soon thereafter (lives 200 miles away), engaged after 8 months, married after 1.5 years.

Fast forward to now: After 3.5 years of being together, I found out 2nd hand that she is now getting a divorce (like this week.) Stated reasons thus far are 1. Husband is a doc in residency and works like crazy aka never around. 2. He wants kids, she does not. 3. He had made weird comments to her, like “Hey I work with ladies that are volumptous, why aren’t you? (she’s skinny).

Now 2 months ago, she had sent me texts late at night saying she missed talking to me etc. We texted a few times and that was the end of it. Before that, she sent a nice email talking about how she was sorry for how things ended. It all kind of makes sense now…

Now for me and my feelings: I have been dating a sweet girl now for a little over a year. I could see myself marrying her. HOWEVER, I find that my feelings are not coming around for me like they did for this ex I described. My ex was the type to be very insecure, needy, and flying off the handle. My current g/f is way more secure and processes her feelings (she’s a counselor) and is very level headed. I have also not said the 3 word phrase yet, although she did starting 6-7 months ago. I feel bad about this. I have been so used to dating girls (like the one ex in this post) who are very needy and insecure that it kept me on my toes. Now I’m dating an awesome girl who lets me do anything (within reason of course) and is very satisfied in what I do for her and is very loyal. I just am not on the same level of love with her as she is for me (and as I have been in my past.) She is very predictable and doesn’t have me guessing which leads me to believe I am somewhat bored. I have been lately stalking my recently divorced ex a lot on FB and part of me wants her to be a homewrecker and try to get me back. She is moving back to my area and I’m sure I will be seeing a lot more of her.

 

LVSHK community, what is a man to do in this situation. My ex’s recent availability has lead me to look at my own relationship under more of a microscope now. I do know that usually going after someone freshly divorced is a BAD BAD choice. In my mind I can visualize things working out if I were to go back (which everyone tells me is a bad choice anyways because of the great girl I already have) things working out great but in real life, this sort of thing usually is very complicated and is a mess. And my gut tells me I will probably be left by her as quick as she left me last time, thus leaving me with no one.

Do temptations like this happen for all men that are in relationships or married? It sucks! I want to remain loyal but part of my heart is swaying back to old (and unstable) grounds with a woman that is probably poison! Should I just try to work on what is in front of me and that will solve my issue?

[PelicanPete]

You actually have a girl with some emotional intelligence.

 

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

 

You gave your ex two tries already, and shes coming out a divorce. She probably wouldn't even be contacting you if everything was still OK with her husband. Do you really want to be with someone like her? She did after all break up with you over an email and left you for someone else while you were giving things a second try.

 

Have you tried talking to your current gf about how you feel bored with the current relationship? Considering she is a counselor, I would probably make that my first priority.

[quankanne]

Now 2 months ago, she had sent me texts late at night saying she missed talking to me etc. We texted a few times and that was the end of it. Before that, she sent a nice email talking about how she was sorry for how things ended. It all kind of makes sense now…

 

honey, all you are to your exGF is a fantasy. She doesn't want YOU, she wants some souped up MEMORY of you. Remember, she broke it off – behind your back, at that – because you couldn't live up to her expectations. Now she's unhappy because life didn't turn out the way she thought it should, so she's fishing in old ponds trying to reinvent a relationship she wasn't thrilled with in the first place. And you want to dump a perfectly fine relationship to "see if there's something there"? Are you nuts? Or just plain dumb? Because I can guarantee that after her beer-goggles are off, she's going to decide you're not living up to her fantasy of you, and she'll dump you yet again.

 

she doesn't want a real relationship with a real man, she's looking for something to fulfill a fantasy. And who better to suck into that scenario than an old boyfriend? We all do it to some degree, but I think you're one of the lucky ones, with a healthy relationship with this new gal, who seems to have her head screwed on straight. Your loyalty might not be to your current GF, but neither is it to someone who has a very unrealistic view of y'alls former relationship.

[carhill]

You're confusing breathless drama for 'feelings'.

 

Your ex plowed through a M and D in four years. Not exactly a sterling record, especially considering the rubber band she did with you and then running off with another guy, oh right, the H she'd D'ing now.

 

If you're 'stalking' your ex on FB and thinking about her returning to your area and what you'll do, then you've already de-prioritized your current relationship. Best to disclose and deal with it first. Of course, you could end up completely alone. Up to you.

[David Cain]

First off, I’d like to mention that I hope this is in the right category, as I’m not sure…

Me: 30/m in a relationship of over a year.

Backstory: Back in 2006, I dated this girl seriously, for roughly 7 months. I fell pretty hard and she did too. She professed her infatuation for me and we started dating (I would see her sometimes at the neighboring college in the sport we both played). We broke up after 7 months and in that time we both dated 1 or 2 people. Reasons for the breakup were really her not being able to deal with myself not being expressive enough (She also has daddy issues etc). 3 months later we decide to give it another go. Date another 7 months. I go on a trip with buddies to Mexico and get broken up with (as my trip also fell on her birthday to which she was salty about) over email. She found someone else at a running race and immediately hit it off the day she broke up with me. They move in together soon thereafter (lives 200 miles away), engaged after 8 months, married after 1.5 years.

Fast forward to now: After 3.5 years of being together, I found out 2nd hand that she is now getting a divorce (like this week.) Stated reasons thus far are 1. Husband is a doc in residency and works like crazy aka never around. 2. He wants kids, she does not. 3. He had made weird comments to her, like “Hey I work with ladies that are volumptous, why aren’t you? (she’s skinny).

Now 2 months ago, she had sent me texts late at night saying she missed talking to me etc. We texted a few times and that was the end of it. Before that, she sent a nice email talking about how she was sorry for how things ended. It all kind of makes sense now…

Now for me and my feelings: I have been dating a sweet girl now for a little over a year. I could see myself marrying her. HOWEVER, I find that my feelings are not coming around for me like they did for this ex I described. My ex was the type to be very insecure, needy, and flying off the handle. My current g/f is way more secure and processes her feelings (she’s a counselor) and is very level headed. I have also not said the 3 word phrase yet, although she did starting 6-7 months ago. I feel bad about this. I have been so used to dating girls (like the one ex in this post) who are very needy and insecure that it kept me on my toes. Now I’m dating an awesome girl who lets me do anything (within reason of course) and is very satisfied in what I do for her and is very loyal. I just am not on the same level of love with her as she is for me (and as I have been in my past.) She is very predictable and doesn’t have me guessing which leads me to believe I am somewhat bored. I have been lately stalking my recently divorced ex a lot on FB and part of me wants her to be a homewrecker and try to get me back. She is moving back to my area and I’m sure I will be seeing a lot more of her.

 

LVSHK community, what is a man to do in this situation. My ex’s recent availability has lead me to look at my own relationship under more of a microscope now. I do know that usually going after someone freshly divorced is a BAD BAD choice. In my mind I can visualize things working out if I were to go back (which everyone tells me is a bad choice anyways because of the great girl I already have) things working out great but in real life, this sort of thing usually is very complicated and is a mess. And my gut tells me I will probably be left by her as quick as she left me last time, thus leaving me with no one.

Do temptations like this happen for all men that are in relationships or married? It sucks! I want to remain loyal but part of my heart is swaying back to old (and unstable) grounds with a woman that is probably poison! Should I just try to work on what is in front of me and that will solve my issue?

 

Run back to your disrespectful, callous, irresponsible ex and break it off with that nice girl you're with. Your expectations of your girlfriend are ridiculous and you're wrong for comparing her to your ex (and your ex doesn't even touch your current girl anyway). If you expect someone to wine and dine you on the top of a mountain or building every day you need to stay single, because that is not how relationships work.

[wilsonx]

Alone,

 

I am going to tell you something, how come you did not emotionally break it off with your old ex? Did you jump into another relationship instantly? I just got out of a relationship that you just described except the ring part but it would have been coming in 5 months had I not caught her emotionally cheating with another guy at a bar.

 

You need to do something to get rid of your crazy fantasies of your ex. I am not jumping into any sort of relationship with anyone until I find out who I am and become completely indifferent to her. I watch a lot of my friends do this same **** over and over and over again and I am not going to be one of them