adele80 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I am so confused right now I don't know what to do its ending a relationship and meeting someone else before the relationship is finally over. I would really appreciate if anyone has comments, insights, perspectives etc on my situation. Split up with my partner of 9 years for the following reasons (1). gut feeling that we were not suppossed to be together forever and was not in love with him (2). I did not trust him fully (3). I was not getting the emotional or physical intmacy I wanted (he did not e.g. tell me he loved me etc etc and our sex life expectations were very different). I had toyed with the idea of breaking up before but there were so many positives about the relationship (best friends, can spend lots of time together etc) and also I feel that we invested so much time in this it was a shame to let it go and throw it away. It got to the point that the negatives were more than the positives and the thought of being alone and starting over again was less scary than the thought of being with someone who I knew was not right. But I was too scared to say its over - I tried to have the conversation several times but was too scared. Then I went on a work night out and started talking to someone else and kissed them. I met them for a drink the next week and saw them once more. I realised that if I could do this then it was not fair to continue my relationship - he deserves more than this and so I ended it. He suggested councelling and I went along - turns out that the trust issue stems from his behaviour in the early part of our relationship where he kissed another girl, there were rumours he "slept around" (rumours never confirmed) and he signed up to dating and sex meeting websites which I found out about. However I never confronted him about this and instead I just put up a barrier to not allow myself to trust him. I realise now that it would be possible to trust him. For the relationship/intimacy issue he has vowed to change - he got quite aggressive during sex - if something would hurt me he would not stop, if I told him not to do something he would do it anyway - I felt I could never relax and was just "going through the motions" - I did tell him several times about this issue but I never told him the magnitude of the effect it was having on me. I used to tense up whenever he tried to touch me to the point that we could not kiss and I felt so uncomfortable when he did anything. I prefered sex in a position facing away from him so that I was not as exposed and could not see him. It was getting worse and worse and I could never relax as he would always do stuff I did not want him to do. When we went to the counsellor he informed us that it was him trying to "control" our relationship and dominate in this part as he perhaps felt inadequate in other areas (e.g. finances I earn a little more than him). Discussing this with my ex he has said that he cant beleive he acted this way and will NEVER be like this again - he just wants to "make love" to me now and realises how bad he had been. For the love part he never told me he loved me although I think its more important to act that you love someone instead of just saying those words. The counsellor thought he was a bit emotionally detached and finds it hard to express emotions. However now he is telling me he loves me every day. So - decided to split with partner as dont trust him (but now I see that that is my fault too for not discussing issues around trust and building barriers ), as the sex was horrible and I was really craving love and affection (which he has told me that he will now give me) and I didnt love him (probably for the reasons above). These are all issues that are probably fixable if we were to put the work in. If these issues were fixed then theoretically we should have a perfect relationship. And here is the dilema - the guy I mentioned from the works night out is still on the scene. I have pretty much started a relartionship with him. Its still early days but he is really everything that my ex was not i.e. kind, gentle, loveing, caring etc (basically the kind of person you would hapilly bring home to your parents). I feel that I could really have a chance of making it work with this guy. But I feel torn as I never really gave my ex the chance to change in our relationship - I basically decided to dump him, kissed someone else, dumped him and that was it. I dont think that the guy from night out is the reason I split from my ex - I had already decided to do it - but he is the reason I am not giving me ex another chance. I feel very guilty that I am not giving my ex another chance but I really feel that I could have something with this new guy. I have read a lot about this grass-is-greener-syndrome and I dont think it is this as such - I think that I have more had a flavour of what a true relationship could be like and it has re-inforced that what was wrong in my previous relationship was actually wrong. I feel that I was emotionally detached from my ex before I kissed another guy. I am so torn as I feel to go back to ex and work at it would be the "correct" thing to do but I feel I would always wonder "what if" with the new guy.
spice4life Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You should take some time out for you to figure out what it is you really want in a relationship. Be alone for awhile...it might do you some good. That's what I'm doing and I am finally at the point where I realize it is probably the best thing I can do for myself. Look at it this way, you broke up with your ex for a reason. If you need to revisit it to make sure you made the right decision then do it, but truthfully, the same issues will pop up again and again...I gaurantee it. I revisited a relationship with an ex a year ago and felt releived when I broke it off in the fall of last year. I am now resolute and have been since I broke it off that will never go back. It's not the type of relationship that I want. I am now looking forward to the future and meeting someone new eventually who is a great fit for me. Ex's are ex's for a reason and even if you revisit it, you will find that some things just don't change and they are usually the things that made you break up with him in the first place. Hope this helps.
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