MrOctober Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Sorry if this is a bit long. I’m not sure if this is just something I want to get off my chest, or if there is a question at the end of it. My wife and I have very different sex drives. I would like it around twice a week, if not more. She would like it a lot less. What ends up happening is that we have sex about twice a month. As little sex as we have, it’s mostly because I approach her frequently, but get turned down more often than not. She rarely, if ever, approaches me. Even then, our sex life has gotten stale. Sex is basically the missionary position. Every so often I get behind her for variation. Always in our bed. Always with the lights off. It’s vanilla. Very, very vanilla. I’ll go down on her. I know I’m pretty good at it, since I can bring her to orgasm virtually every time. I like doing it because I like to make her feel good. I like her reaction. She doesn’t like to give oral sex; therefore, I don’t get it. Once in a blue moon, she will reciprocate, but I always come away feeling like she did me a favor. So my sex life is pretty badly broken, right? Am I being unreasonable? Do I have some unrealistic fantasy about what marital sex is supposed to be like? Am I just selfish and horny? Is a successful marriage just learning to live with it? We used to do better. Before marriage and kids. It extends beyond the bedroom too. She’s just not a very affectionate person. I just get the gnawing feeling that I come dead last to her, and it’s been chipping away at me. It’s distracting. For example, I’m writing this at work, when I should probably be doing something more work related. But, it’s bugging me, so here I am. I love her, and I’d like to work it out, but I just don’t see a good way out of this. We’ve talked about this. I think I’ve spelled it out in explicit detail multiple times, but nothing has changed. I have a lot invested in this: ten years of marriage, two young daughters, a house. All the usual stuff that comes along the way. As a family, we really have been fortunate, which makes me feel like I am being selfish about the sexual and romantic side of things. Maybe I should just suck it up, and be a good husband and father. I think I’ve been patient. I know I’ve felt like this for nearly three years now. At this rate, forever seems like a really long time. I’ve been in a rut for so long. At what point do you just admit defeat, and cut your losses? So am I being hyperbolic about things? Or is this how things typically fall apart?
Yasuandio Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Dude, For a range of possible reasons, intimacy was denied me for as much as two years at a time. I am a highly sexual woman, and just handled with the options available to me that do not include ADULTRY or PORN. I asked, I begged, I reasoned, I threatened the possibility of what could happen, I became suspitious, I put on weight, I became withdrawn, my self esteme took a nose dive, etc. As time went on (years past a decade), the bar of mental abuse seemed to esculate into other areas of the marriage. I'd say in most cases, this issue has it's obvious conclusion for men. For women, like me - I just didn't feel capable of just stepping out and getting some. I just recent told my husband it's been so long, like, whatta I do? He told me quote "just go out and find someone.". I guess he would know. I can't do that. Just the idea is slutty. Plus, you could get a desease - like duh. Plus I would want to care for anyone I was intimate with. Anyway, that quote pretty much demonstrates that he's done with me. Nothing could have hurt worse. And, Im sharing this with you because it will be a natuaral instinct for you as a man (according to research women are begining to develop same instinct). I can tell you, though, after 27 years of marriage, and 32 years together - I want for no other man, this is my delimma. What I suggest to you is a reality check with your wife. You have the brakes on my man. You are to be admired. You are reaching out for help - you've come to the right place! Other posters will inform you about your wife's persoective. You do have to give her a chance. As there are so many homonal and mysterious things about women's sexuality. It is possible you just hit a dry period. Don't dump the baby out with the bath water. I feel for ya, but it can't be as bad as my situation. And now that you know how bad it can get, and possible triggers due to your sex, you can do something about it. I think you might start researching women's sexuality at her age or post kids. Get yourself a personal sex advisor/councilor and say nothing for now. Eventually, you will have to have the hard core "emotional needs" discussion with her. Read and study Marriage Builder's website on infidelity before you commit. Careful not to leave a papertrail of this rearch at work or at home. iPhone is best solution. Chew on this advice awhile. If you want to ask me any questions that is fine. Good luck. Yas. (sorry for typos and mispellings!)
Recommended Posts