oopsydaisy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Hey y'all-- so, old story: we're busy professions in our mid-twenties. Dating for 2 1/2 months, fitting it in when we can. Started sleeping together maybe 3 weeks ago, and that's been splendid. I have a toothbrush at his place, he has one at mine, and while we're taking it slow and firmly dating, it's been exclusive and happy. Til I wasn't happy. He's in a pressure-cooker part of his career, 14 hour days and intense focus required. I don't get a lot of texts, and plans are infrequent. Forget phone calls. I accepted that if I wanted to be with him, that was his way. We'd had a couple of dates in the past, and certainly the last 3, where I felt that he was checked out. Pecks on the cheek. Distraction. It's been a long time since he gave me a compliment. He made me fancy dinners, we met his friends, it was fine, but the little things that were important to me weren't there. We just seemed to be building no momentum...except we also did. Same values. Same conversational style. Same life goals. Saturday night I was feeling increasingly hurt and very much on the back burner when we had a date (and leading up to the date, and the day before, and the date before that....) I did not want to have "the talk" at all, wasn't planning it (because I don't want a title yet, either! or to be that girl!), but it was that or I was going to get sulky, and that wasn't fair to him. It was the better of two imperfect options. He was WONDERFUL about it, but the outcome wasn't great. He hadn't thought about it, he kept reiterating. I'd thrown him through a loop when I said I may leave for grad school. We're just not settled. He didn't think the next relationship was when he wanted to get married and have kids. And again, (and again!) just hadn't even thought about it, was so sorry, was trying to process, was scrambling to think. I apologized for blindsighting him. Again, he was wonderful. Said he knew it wasn't like I planned it, etc etc. Said he should have known that was what I was feeling. Still, though, he wanted casual, and I wanted to know that I wasn't already doomed to the "friends with benefits label." I know what I'm like, and continued dates, great sex, and a toothbrush there would make me really fall for him. Don't want to be left holding the bag. We left it up in the air, a bit. He said he hoped to see me again, and then stumbled. "If that's ok," I said let's take a night to "process". IT's been something like 36 hours. No word. I know NC is the way to go. I'm TRYING hard to chalk it up as a loss, and have anything else be a pleasant surprise. Still, folks, what do you think is a reasonable timeline for him to think? How long does a guy need? 2 days? 3? a week? ps-- i should add that our mutual friend billed him as someone who wanted a serious relationship. He's a serial monogamist. And he said as much, that he thought that was what he wanted, but now he's thinking things are so up in the air, etc. So, that stings. Also, awful cliche comment-- "I like you so much more than I expected to!" But then also, "I really like you. That's why I do things that say I really like you! I make you dinner." Edited July 18, 2011 by oopsydaisy
wilsonx Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Ok, he says the word 'like' and its a crucial word and it messes with people both males and females. Back in the day when I use to go out a lot, if there was someone I was really interested in after a lot of chatting and stuff, I would say, "I'm starting to fall in like with you." It's like dangling a string in front of a cat and see if it swats at it with its paw. He may have got bored with the chase because you are making yourself too available to him. Give him a bit of space. Wait for him to text you or call you. If he sets up something, say oh wait I really can't on this day, I have plans (make something up). He most likely will be surprised and try to start chasing you again because you are not freely available at his whim. I will buy you a milkshake if I am wrong on this. If I am right, you owe me a milkshake! Its going to take time, let him miss you for a bit but I promise you it will work if he contacts you. I give advice like this all the time with my friends and they are amazed at how spot on it is =) My only reason for being here is my long term relationship failures. Hey we all got to start somewhere Edited July 18, 2011 by wilsonx
geegirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) If you have 2 minutes to pee and maybe 5 to take a dump, a 2 minute phone call to check in with the one you love/like is not much to ask. He should want to do it. Want to hear your voice. Talking to you should be the highlight of his stressful 14 hour day. I bet he takes time to eat. So, 2.5 months and already no phone calls, no text messages (lazy communication by the way) and plans are somewhat non-existent. "Forget phone calls, I accepted that if I wanted to be with him, that is his way." It's so sad how we throw away all our wants and needs to fit ourselves into someone else's terms and conditions. It's been a long time since he gave you a compliment? You've only been together for 2.5 months?? Married couples who have been together for years have those complaints. Not when you are in a 2.5 month R. Pecks on the cheek? He knows you want an R/boyfriend, he may be avoiding intimacy because he can't get to that level with you, knowing your expectations. 1) So he wants casual. Do you want casual? If not, I will have to agree, that like you, continued dates, great sex, a toothbrush and a drawer designated for his clothes left me wanting more, which I didn't get. He's being upfront with you. Enter at your own risk. If you know you cannot handle casual for any period of time, step away. OR 2) Start having a life of your own. Don't be so available to him. It's too soon for him to start being a fuddy dud. Don't call him or text him. Let him do the work and show you with action. Phone calls and planning. Until you see effort and interest, I will say back away, and let him come to you. Edited July 18, 2011 by geegirl
Mack05 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 If you have 2 minutes to pee and maybe 5 to take a dump Your making a lot of assumptions there G :laugh::laugh:
geegirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Your making a lot of assumptions there G :laugh::laugh: It's like fast food. Quick in and out. So much more to do than waste time reading the paper.
Author oopsydaisy Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Thank you guys! This is really helping. Gee, you nailed it. I was second-guessing myself a bit-- one reads so much about how you need to let things develop, don't have any talks before three months, never ask where it is going, etc etc. In an ideal world, I'd be the cool girl who could hang in limbo, but this ain't an ideal world. And Wilson, I will happily buy you a milkshake .
geegirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Thank you guys! This is really helping. Gee, you nailed it. I was second-guessing myself a bit-- one reads so much about how you need to let things develop, don't have any talks before three months, never ask where it is going, etc etc. In an ideal world, I'd be the cool girl who could hang in limbo, but this ain't an ideal world. And Wilson, I will happily buy you a milkshake . I can relate 100%. I used to be that cool girl. Not wanting to rock the boat. Not wanting to have expectations. Not wanting to seem eager. Not wanting to pressure. But what I was doing was just compromising my needs and wants to cater to someone else's momentum only because I wanted to be with them. When you have two people who want the same things and are completely invested and into each other, you won't have to be the "cool girl". The two of you would be openly communicating about wants and needs and would welcome discussions about wanting to develop your relationship. I've been in a relationship like that and it's easy as pie when two people want each other and want to slowly build a foundation together. Never ever compromise you wants and beliefs. There will be someone out there that will fit hand in glove with you.
thelovingkind Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 a 2 minute phone call to check in with the one you love/like is not much to ask. He should want to do it. Want to hear your voice. Talking to you should be the highlight of his stressful 14 hour day. Yes! No one is ever so busy that they cannot do these things for someone they're really, really excited about. I'm sorry but they're just not. They may think they are but really they're just too busy to do these things for someone they're kinda sorta into, but not sure about yet. I know what it's like to meet someone when you're busy as hell and the truth is that even if you have a ten minute lunch break, half of that is spent texting or calling them. You text them first thing in the morning just to say hello with a smiley face. Even if you finish work at 11pm and your eyes are about to shut on their own free will, you still want to call the other person for twenty minutes on the walk home. At 2 1/2 months he should be excited enough by the whole possibility of being with you to do these things. What you do about this situation is your choice, but the main thing I want to convey is that you should never let anyone fob you off with the whole "Oh, it's just such a busy time in my life right now". Yes, people do get busy. Extremely busy. But in my opinion no one is ever so busy that they cannot convey on a regular basis how happy they are to have you in their life and how much that means to them. If that's how they feel.
Author oopsydaisy Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Thanks, that's how I felt, too. I can tell my friends think I was being a bit demanding to expect it, but everyone has five minutes. So far radio silence. Trying REALLY hard to write it off for good but there's still the nagging "maybe he is thinking..." ugh. NC is always the way to go, though! I told myself no one would really need to be thinking about this past Wednesday, so after tomorrow I'm going to try and regroup.
geegirl Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Thanks, that's how I felt, too. I can tell my friends think I was being a bit demanding to expect it, but everyone has five minutes. So far radio silence. Trying REALLY hard to write it off for good but there's still the nagging "maybe he is thinking..." ugh. NC is always the way to go, though! I told myself no one would really need to be thinking about this past Wednesday, so after tomorrow I'm going to try and regroup. I have a male colleague here and he and I are friends and I used to tell him about my ex never having time to call me. I used to tell my friend that ex was just so busy and that it was understandable. He said to me once, "No one is ever too busy to call. I look forward to taking a break to just talk to her and hear her voice. I especially love it when she says I love you at the end of the conversation. I feel good." And it's into their 10th year of marriage. So, that busy excuse is for the birds. Yep, if someone has to think hard and long about whether they want to be with you or not, then most likely their uncertainty is a pretty straighforward answer.
Recommended Posts