kahn2154 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I have a second date with a girl I can tell likes me and am scared of potential success... I grew up obese, lost the weight but was still left with loose skin, a bad case of social anxiety, and a pretty low self worth. I am now 25 and never really even kissed a girl. I have been really trying to come out of my shell the last two years and my first date with her was my first date ever. But I'm really still self conscious about my body, I won't take my shirt off in public. I have really noticeable scars from surgery to remove loose skin, and on top of that in my mind I think my body looks terrible (fine with clothes on) Oh yeah, also 25 year old virgin who has no idea what hes doing... So if it gets to that point should I basically tell her everything? She seems really nice and was psych major so maybe understanding....but I don't know if telling a girl how screwed up you are is a good idea...
rafallus Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Keep your mouth shut and go caveman on her. You'll ruin the mood with pouty confessions.
Author kahn2154 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Even though I'll feel really insecure about my body and not knowing wtf to do?...
Imajerk17 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 How did you meet this girl? Keep your mouth shut.
chuckles11 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Even though I'll feel really insecure about my body and not knowing wtf to do?... It doesn't matter. Do not, under any circumstances, start revealing your insecurities/vulnerabilities to this girl. Do not tell her that she is the first girl you've ever dated. As the saying goes, fake it till you make it. If you don't believe us, do a thread search on this board. Many women do not react sympathetically to these types of disclosures.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 It doesn't matter. Do not, under any circumstances, start revealing your insecurities/vulnerabilities to this girl. Do not tell her that she is the first girl you've ever dated. As the saying goes, fake it till you make it. If you don't believe us, do a thread search on this board. Many women do not react sympathetically to these types of disclosures. Exactly, these kind of insecurities is what kills attractions and relationships. You will torpedo yourself if you confess any of this to her. She sees you as the MAN and wants to hang in YOUR world. You really think she will want to hang out in a world of insecurity and self doubt and non confidence? Would you? The answer is NO! So keep your mouth shut, and own your scars and skin, dont tell her your self concious and a virgin.
ascendotum Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 It doesn't matter. Do not, under any circumstances, start revealing your insecurities/vulnerabilities to this girl. Do not tell her that she is the first girl you've ever dated. As the saying goes, fake it till you make it. If you don't believe us, do a thread search on this board. Many women do not react sympathetically to these types of disclosures. I'm another backing this post OP. Listen to all the guys here, otherwise there is a very good chance you'll be posting in a year's time about a 'getting to know a girl' dilemma as the 26 yr old virgin. Better to be scared of potential success, than disillusioned at no options (remember that) or girls that go cold on you when you fess up. As ' and not knowing wtf to do', I don't know if you are referring to dating or sex, but if its the later, just watch some pornos. Avoid Rocco or Max Hardcore's clips though.
rafallus Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Even though I'll feel really insecure about my body and not knowing wtf to do?... Yes. She's not looking for a boy to babysit, but for a man to show her some serious pleasure. Getting insecure, you won't be up to challenge, so collect yourself.
Lil1 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Here is some advice from a female perspective... This is your first time dating so don't be afraid to explore yourself. Yes, it's true that women don't necessarily want a man who is down on themselves and has low self esteem, BUT, a good woman who truly loves you will understand you and be emotionally supportive of you. Treat this period as a time of self discovery. Discover what qualities YOU want in your SO. Sometimes when you make yourself vulnerable to others, you discover a lot about your own strengths, and most importantly, you uncover the other person's true character. It really all depends on what you want out of a relationship at this particular time of your life. Since this is your first time dating you may want to take things easy, especially since your relationship is still in its early stages. It has been my personal experience however, that opening your heart and truly letting others inside is a more rewarding way to connect with someone than to have to adhere to the social norms of dating (i.e. following some sort of emotional timeline) Follow your heart OP, and do what feels right for you. If you feel that telling her about your insecurities will help her understand you better then go for it!
Eddie Edirol Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Here is some advice from a female perspective... This is your first time dating so don't be afraid to explore yourself. Yes, it's true that women don't necessarily want a man who is down on themselves and has low self esteem, BUT, a good woman who truly loves you will understand you and be emotionally supportive of you. It has been my personal experience however, that opening your heart and truly letting others inside is a more rewarding way to connect with someone than to have to adhere to the social norms of dating (i.e. following some sort of emotional timeline) Follow your heart OP, and do what feels right for you. If you feel that telling her about your insecurities will help her understand you better then go for it! Um...yea, Khan, before you go reading this the wrong way, remember they are social norms for a reason. You arent at the stage where a woman loves you yet, you have months to go for that. She is discovering who you are now, and there is a delicate balance to keep her attracted. You keep it all to yourself, and then by the time you feel she loves you and you want to confess, you wont need to. You'll have your experience, and you will already know how she feels about your body, so its all a wash.
Author kahn2154 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 I completely understand everyone's viewpoint, but I just don't know if I have the balls to take off my shirt and wing it....like she will know in 5 seconds if I don't tell her...so I really don't know how I should approach it. BTW, I actually (realized it was bad after) talked about how I might be on TV and EXTREMELY camera shy and don't want to do it, she jokingly gave me advice and didnt seem to have a problem with it...also talked about how she was basically a geek as a kid...
grkBoy Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Keep your mouth shut and go caveman on her. You'll ruin the mood with pouty confessions. I agree. It's not lying. You don't have to tell every single tiny thing of your life. She likes you...why worry? I'm not in shape. I gained weight in the 7th grade, was fat going into High School, lost some of it by college, but was up and down since then. I've never had some "athletically wonderful" body. I'm a healthy weight, but I'm not perfect. Yet my girlfriend (and even past girlfriends) liked me. They didn't care. It's the same thing I see back. Yeah, the girl might not have a big chest, or she might have a bigger butt, or not be athletically tight. My GF has shorter hair and her face isn't something Hollywood would scream to put on magazine covers... ...but I love her. WHY? Because I still think she's a beautiful woman. Inside and out. I think her body is sexy, regardless if it's perfect. I think her face and eyes are beautiful and captivating...regardless if some shallow fashion idiot would claim she's not an "it girl". She has a heart of gold, cares about me, and sees me as a sexy sophisticated man. She wants to get me naked any chance she can. That's what it's about...and I'm sure your girl is the same way. If she were to instantly run from you because you're not some tight athlete...then it screams why she's not right for you. I know many men and women who want physical perfection. GUESS WHAT? THEY'RE STILL SINGLE! Kind of shows how their logic holds them back. No one's perfect...and I think your girl knows that, but she likes you anyway. Stop worrying.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I completely understand everyone's viewpoint, but I just don't know if I have the balls to take off my shirt and wing it....like she will know in 5 seconds if I don't tell her...so I really don't know how I should approach it. BTW, I actually (realized it was bad after) talked about how I might be on TV and EXTREMELY camera shy and don't want to do it, she jokingly gave me advice and didnt seem to have a problem with it...also talked about how she was basically a geek as a kid... Dont worry about it, its not a difficult thing. Animals do it all the time. Let her lead the first time if you get too nervous. Just do alot of foreplay, she will eventually jump your bones.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Keep your mouth shut and go caveman on her. You'll ruin the mood with pouty confessions. Wiser words were never spoken. ^ Think of it this way, do you want a deep confession from her right now about something like that on or around your second date? Or would you rather just explore the feelings of the moment? I share a similar history although I didn't have any surgery and I had some fine times with girls during my teens after I lost the weight. Don't say anything. Just live and count your blessings.
manders_01 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I'm in a similar situation but I still have the excess skin issue. I'm still wondering about this myself (though I have yet to tell any of my dates I used to be fat), I think I have this much figured out: If you are both thinking this is non-serious, just dating, just sex, don't bother mentioning it, ever. Even when you're naked in front of her. If it's all about sex, the two people involved rarely care about what the other looks like at that moment as long as they are doin' the deed. If you are both thinking LTR, I think you can usually tell when the first time between you might happen. The evening of, but not before, shortly before you two have sex, you can explain yourself. Chances are she'll be into you and it really won't matter to her.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 So if it gets to that point should I basically tell her everything? She seems really nice and was psych major so maybe understanding....but I don't know if telling a girl how screwed up you are is a good idea... No. She doesn't want to be your therapist. She wants to be your girl and have a blast with you. Be positive, believe in yourself, show her a great time. Save the sad confessions for a pillow talk moment after hot sex a few years down the line.
Lil1 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Wow I must admit I'm a little surprised I'm the only one who sees the benefit in actually being upfront with the person you are dating regardless of how new the relationship is. The way I see it Kahn, you and her are going to have sex eventually, I don't really know how visible your extra skin is but it clearly makes you uncomfortable. I think that it's ok to have an honest discussion with her about this physical aspect of you that she won't be able to ignore, at least not the first time she sees you naked. This does not mean that you have to go into detail about how you have felt insecure about yourself for a long time, (I agree with everyone else in regards to this) or even admit that you are a virgin (although I personally would find such a confession quite endearing and it would excite me very much to be the first person my SO gives his love to!) but I do think that it would be better to just be honest with her about the weight thing, it's not like she won't look at your body when you're naked so she's going to know regardless. Better that she hears it from you before she finds out for herself. Whatever you choose to do Kahn, remember that you are more than just a body. You have a fabulous mind and a loving heart so don't be afraid to share these gorgeous aspects of you with her, honesty is a good thing! Edited July 19, 2011 by Lil1
Author kahn2154 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 The loose skin basically means I have gut+love handles. I I have very noticeable scars on my chest, and a little extra weight from not working out for two months..Basically I think I look normal and find except for the scars and the midsection... She seems really nice and caring and was actually a psychology major so may be understanding, I just don't know what to do if it gets to that point...as shown by this thread it seems to be polarizing responses (but this thread is mostly don't say anything wing it) Winging it would be embarassing and might lead to her asking me if I was a virgin and then what do I do?...I'd at least feel a little more comfortable if I told her. Also...I made more of an effort to ask girls out....I got one date and kind of stopped...should I still be making an effort to get more girls number? Even though there is no commitment and I'm not in relationship feel weird asking more girls out at this point...but I'm moving in two weeks and she knows this too...
rafallus Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Wow I must admit I'm a little surprised I'm the only one who sees the benefit in actually being upfront with the person you are dating regardless of how new the relationship is. The way I see it Kahn, you and her are going to have sex eventually, I don't really know how visible your extra skin is but it clearly makes you uncomfortable. I think that it's ok to have an honest discussion with her about this physical aspect of you that she won't be able to ignore, at least not the first time she sees you naked. This does not mean that you have to go into detail about how you have felt insecure about yourself for a long time, (I agree with everyone else in regards to this) or even admit that you are a virgin (although I personally would find such a confession quite endearing and it would excite me very much to be the first person my SO gives his love to!) but I do think that it would be better to just be honest with her about the weight thing, it's not like she won't look at your body when you're naked so she's going to know regardless. Better that she hears it from you before she finds out for herself. Whatever you choose to do Kahn, remember that you are more than just a body. You have a fabulous mind and a loving heart so don't be afraid to share these gorgeous aspects of you with her, honesty is a good thing! It's not about being upfront. It's about some intuition, when certain things really shouldn't be said in certain situations. Imagine being offered a job. When talking with your potential employer, do you mention that you barely make ends meet and are insecure about losing your place if you don't get a job? I don't think so. So imagine a nice date, a pair gets cuddly, they make out (or are about to), then he drops a bomb on her, how insecure he is. Does it make any sense? Not a bit to me. I'm afraid, that no matter how confidently he thinks he approaches that issue, he will always look insecure in that situation. That bit of skin shouldn't really worry her at all. Everybody has some blemishes. Once she gets really turned on, they don't matter. Edited July 19, 2011 by rafallus
Feelin Frisky Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Wow I must admit I'm a little surprised I'm the only one who sees the benefit in actually being upfront with the person you are dating regardless of how new the relationship is. .... Consider that women find confidence sexy and attractive--even to the point of over-looking some physical shortfalls. Confessing something like this--which may not even be as bad as this guys thinks in his head--is archetypically weenyish. He would do much better to have some faith in himself. If she finds him that gross she can opt out of sex with him but it's stupid to defeat one's self by disclosing a hang-up like that. He'll never get anywhere if he in encouraged to be self-conscious and act that way with each woman he meets. He needs to just suck it up and let her make it an issue if she can't stand it.
Dust Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Do not by any circumstances start treating her like your therapist or mommy etc. You’re supposed to be putting forward the best version of yourself, the most confident. Most men suck at kissing, most men suck at sex, and real men have scars and bodies that don’t look like something in a catalogue ad. You are like most men so stop feeling the urge to be coddled and walked this. She is not your teacher. If anything make her feel less experienced then you. Do that simply by not being shocked or judgmental about anything she says. Guys hate it when a girl starts complaining about her body or insecurties. Guys really hate it when a girl is to insecure to show skin. The difference is girls will dump a guy for these offenses. Stay tough. Do not reveal insecurities. Kiss the girl. Finally for the love of god take your shirt off and display yourself to her when the time is right. Display yourself the way you know you want her to display herself to you. Beat your chest and be proud of your scars and skin. Don’t ask her to teach you sex, be sure you know how to roll a condom on. Give her for play so she gets wet. Gentle touching between her legs and all over her body. Finger her which means clicking the mouse between her legs and make out till she is good and wet. Then roll the condom on. Then feel free to ask her to help guide you in and do it missionary style. Girl on top is also very easy but start off missionary and ask for help guiding you in even experienced guys ask. Don’t say sorry or apologize no matter what.
Lil1 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Well, I can understand your point of view (Frisky, Dasein, Rafallus...) in regards to admitting your shortfalls and demonstrating 'weakness' early on, especially for a man. I get the importance of not showing all your cards right away. However, Kahn, I still think that there is no harm in preparing your lady for what she is going to see. I once was introduced to a man who was missing his right thumb, and when we shook hands I was a bit disarmed. Don't get me wrong, I was not rude by any means, but I wast most definitely unprepared and did not know quite how to react right away. Fortunately the gentleman understood my reaction and the awkward moment was very short-lived! Now I'm not saying that your lady friend will have the same reaction... but I know that I would have appreciated a heads up from my friend beforehand (no pun!) and it would have made it a smoother 'first encounter'!
Dust Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Well, I can understand your point of view (Frisky, Dasein, Rafallus...) in regards to admitting your shortfalls and demonstrating 'weakness' early on, especially for a man. I get the importance of not showing all your cards right away. However, Kahn, I still think that there is no harm in preparing your lady for what she is going to see. I once was introduced to a man who was missing his right thumb, and when we shook hands I was a bit disarmed. Don't get me wrong, I was not rude by any means, but I wast most definitely unprepared and did not know quite how to react right away. Fortunately the gentleman understood my reaction and the awkward moment was very short-lived! Now I'm not saying that your lady friend will have the same reaction... but I know that I would have appreciated a heads up from my friend beforehand (no pun!) and it would have made it a smoother 'first encounter'! You do realize the advice you give people is supposed to be from their prospective rather then yours? Even in your own story about the man missing the thumb he didn’t warn you before shaking hands with you. He just shook hands with you and was cool about it when you freaked out. Same goes for our OP he doesn’t need to warn or vent to this girl about his insecurities and scars. If she freaks out which I doubt she will he just needs to be cool about it and not get upset himself just like your story about the guy and the thumb. I once dated a girl who had back surgery to fix her scoliosis. She had a scar on her back and I had no warning. I still think she looked sexy naked and I think I kissed her scar after I asked her about it.
MissJonelyn Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I have a second date with a girl I can tell likes me and am scared of potential success... I grew up obese, lost the weight but was still left with loose skin, a bad case of social anxiety, and a pretty low self worth. I am now 25 and never really even kissed a girl. I have been really trying to come out of my shell the last two years and my first date with her was my first date ever. But I'm really still self conscious about my body, I won't take my shirt off in public. I have really noticeable scars from surgery to remove loose skin, and on top of that in my mind I think my body looks terrible (fine with clothes on) Oh yeah, also 25 year old virgin who has no idea what hes doing... So if it gets to that point should I basically tell her everything? She seems really nice and was psych major so maybe understanding....but I don't know if telling a girl how screwed up you are is a good idea... I think you should tell her what you've been through. I also think you should start working out more. A lot more. People love a good success story and I think yours will be worth telling. As far as being a virgin. If it makes you feel any better I'm a virgin as well.
catchthedrift Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Ok here is a little story to help you along the way: When I met my boyfriend, he seemed to me as the uber-macho who gets to sleep with all the girls at the local bar that we both go to (where we also met). He seemed super care free, secure, confident and I thought that was hot! Three months into our relationship he has a nervous breakdown and confesses to me how insecure he is and that he worries a lot about what others think of him, his family thinks he is a loser etc. and that I am the only good thing in his life and his first real serious girlfriend... Ehm... OOPPPS! I love him now, but I can tell you, if he would have told me all of this on our first date, I would have RUN RUN RUN AWAY!!
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