torn_curtain Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Here I am experiencing feelings that I would have probably dismissed as crazy in another person. He’s just as stunned as I am by this; he’s even more skeptical and slow to trust. Neither of us has been in this situation before. We’ve joked that maybe we’re suffering from a “shared psychosis.” But the connection we have keeps disarming our common sense. We met randomly in a common interest forum about 1-2 months. Neither of us was looking for romance. Now we talk on the phone for several hours every night and text most of the day. We share everything with each other – jokes, observations, goals, music, fears, secrets, our work – we even constantly consult each other for feedback on our projects. Our conversations range from light-hearted to deep and everything in between. Right now he lives across the country but is moving to where I live by January -- he already had plans to before meeting me. Our communication is excellent. Whenever an issue has come up it is quickly and smoothly resolved. We speak the same emotional language. I feel like I’m in love with him but I don’t want to admit it to myself because it seems so abnormal. He has told me the same in so many words. Both of us is refraining from using the actual word until we meet because it obviously seems silly and premature. I know, though, that if our connection survives in person whatever love I feel now will seem superficial in comparison to what I experience in his physical presence. I realize that I only know some of him, and that once I get to know the rest in person things could dissolve. But in general I’m a good judge of character and I feel confident that he is a man of integrity. Part of the reason I trust him is that I’m well aware of his human foibles because he’s been so open about sharing the bad with the good. In other words, I don’t feel like I have some romanticized, sugarcoated impression of him. If things do fizzle in person, I think it would be for incompatibles we can’t foresee now and after we’d been together for awhile. I guess my main concern now is the constant discomfort of being involved with somebody I haven’t met and may have to wait many months to meet. It’s possible he may be coming down sooner to visit his sister, but unclear. I feel like I’m on hold. We’re not committed to each other because we both feel like that would be ridiculous before meeting, but as long as we’re in communication I suspect that neither of us will have any desire to date others. Is this healthy? Or am I wasting my emotional energy? Can anyone offer advice? I’m also hoping to hear from others who have been in a similar situation. Did your connection hold up in real life?
Arasae Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I had a similar situation.. mind you, I was fifteen at the time, so take this with a grain of salt. I met a boy who lived across the country on an RPG forum. We just started talking and feelings developed... we were always on the phone, always chatting about any range of things.. I happened to be going on a trip to where he lived in seven months. When we met, it was fireworks. It was intense, incredible, emotional, and fantastic. We maintained that long distance relationship for two and a half years. Since we were teens, we ended up growing up and apart (he chose drugs, I chose college). What I can tell you is that being in love with someone that you can't touch or be with is the worst kind of agony. But I can also tell you that it might just be worth the wait... He was. =) So.. anyway, short n' sweet. I hope that helps, even though I was so young when it happened!
Lucky_One Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Why don't you fly there for a weekend, or he fly to where you are? For the sole purpose of meeting?
Bullet Proof Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Why don't you fly there for a weekend, or he fly to where you are? For the sole purpose of meeting? I agree! Visit and see if there are any 'sparks'.
sm1tten Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 A good friend of mine - They met online in a forum and were friends for a long time, then eventually became LDR. After a relationship that spanned off and on for 10 years, they are no longer on speaking terms. This relationship started when they were both teenagers, so that does play into it somewhat. The girl in the scenario above - I met her online. We were friends for several years, very close friends, until she and I ended up in the same city. She really wasn't the same girl. We're not friends anymore, either. And if you would have told me that this would be the outcome I wouldn't have believed you... we had tons in common, great conversations, similar viewpoints and backgrounds... but it turned out that she was phony, immature, and really good at mirroring other people's thoughts and expectations. Her ex is one of my closest friends now. We like to joke that we are grateful to her for bringing US together. The point I'm trying to make is that neither of us really "knew" her until we were physically around her and all facets of her personality and mannerisms. In this case it was part of a deliberateness on her part, so I'm not saying that there are no genuine people out there, but certainly you want to continue to be cautious of getting carried away with this. I do not think that what you are doing is healthy. It sounds like you are (both) closing yourself off to other opportunities based on a relationship that is really not fully dimensional at this time, and may not be for a while. I'm not telling you to date other men, I'm suggesting that you not put yourself on "hold" for someone you've never met. January is quite a long ways off, and if you cannot meet sooner than that I fear you will have built up a lot of expectation over something that could fizzle. I HOPE that isn't what happens.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 January is so far away....I also think that you should meet up one weekend. Just so that you know if this is real.
Author torn_curtain Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I wish we could meet sooner but unfortunately that's not an option as far as I can tell because neither of us can afford the trip. I also wonder if him flying over just to meet me would put way too much pressure on the first meeting (more than there is already). Hopefully he ends up visiting his sister again in the near future.
Author torn_curtain Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 It is such a huge risk that you might not be physically compatible or mutually attracted, huge. Other than that, it's probably as healthy as any other meeting, after all lots of in person meetings are fueled on lust and hormones, not a substantial foundation. Would start webcamming with full view of each other sooner rather than later if you aren't already. Sounds cynical, and is, but also practical. Neither of us has a video camera but we've exchanged many photos, so I'm pretty sure the physical attraction is there...at least in still frames.
David Cain Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 That's not love, that's infatuation. You don't even know this guy. All that stuff could be lies.
grkBoy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Can anyone offer advice? I’m also hoping to hear from others who have been in a similar situation. Did your connection hold up in real life? I've actually met several women who live in other states through a common interest forum. It was a forum like this one and I guess I came off as a charming "good guy" in a room full of "woe is me" guys and "alpha male" types. I'll say this, if I had not met my GF, I'm pretty sure one of them would have tried to move to my neck of the woods and start with me. I'm not bragging, but simply showing you never know where you might meet someone. One of the girls lived in Canada and I was smitten with her a bit. Met her in person, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I think you should try to meet this guy in person. Canada girl and I talked very in-depth and seemed really into one another...but when we met in person, I think she just didn't get the sparks/fireworks she hoped for with me. She knew what I looked like, but I always felt she had bad experiences with a LDR in her past and while she was into me for a moment, she lost it on the thought of doing another LDR. Take a chance. Try to meet him in person. See if the chemistry is there.
Lucky_One Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Really neither of you can afford this? For example, you could fly from Boston to Los Angeles (hypothetical cities - east coast to west coast) on AirTran the first weekend in September for $370. You two can't split the cost and each come up with $200 in order to meet? If I thought that I really was in love with someone, I would scrimp and save all I could in order to fly to meet them way before January.
Author torn_curtain Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 I spoke with him and we're going to try to find a way to meet sooner. He will probably fly down and spend a few days with his sister. It's kind of scary because at this point there's no denying it, I am in love with him, but I'm just going to go with it and see what happens.
Author torn_curtain Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 (edited) I have a long update. We have firm plans to meet in Oct at latest. He will be flying in. Yet even three months feels like an eon to wait in light of how intense our relationship has become--yes, I guess I must call it a relationship now. It seems silly to use that word but the truth is we are committed to each other. Since I last post things have accelerated mostly at his behest. I am feeling somewhat concerned that we are moving overly fast. I could probably benefit from some objective feedback on how to navigate this weird terrain. My feelings for him remain unchanged but a few red flags are appearing. I think... He has told me he loves me and I have said it back because I feel that I do love him, crazy as that probably sounds. He has gone farther than I have though in moments of excitement and said things like he has a hunch we'll end up getting married one day, even though the mere thought of that with another girl always "scared the **** out of" him. That worried me a little. His relationship history which he revealed to me in detail last night is slightly troubling. He has told me he feels much more strongly about me than any other girl he's been involved with. In fact he revealed to me that he's never been serious about any girl because he didn't feel the same emotional connection. This seems like a bit of a BS reason. Not that he's lying--I believe him to be a very honest person--but that it just doesn't seem to make sense. Yet all of the things he says he likes about me are accurate and specific things I value about myself so I don't think he's projecting onto me. I've also been very open about my flaws and he doesn't seem to mind them...even seems to find some of them cute. Last night on Skype I was telling him about something that happened to me with this other customer at the store when I was food shopping and he suddenly interrupted me and blurted out this string of praise that made me blush. Paraphrasing here but it was basically: Your personality is so ****ing attractive to me. You're amazingly intelligent and emotionally intelligent and understanding, but you also don't suffer fools gladly, and you come from a specific place that I share a lot in common with, and you have a unique ability to pinpoint core importance or effect in things which I feel is a trait missing in most people. He says that he is very specific about what he wants and I am it. Even though I feel like he knows me well at this point I was still surprised in a good way that he was able to pinpoint a few specific things about my personality that only a few close friends have described. He's anti gushy and cheesy in general so I know he really feels all this but of course it's unusual that the person he's been able to form the closest attachment to is one he hasn't met in the flesh. He has told me that all of his past involvements were short flings because the girl was always more way into him than he was into her and he felt like it was unfair to them to continue things once he realized his feelings weren't growing. I don't mean to paint him as a womanizer--he hasn't been with many women--just that the few he has haven't materialized into anything because the feeling wasn't there on his end. He is very good looking, charming and smart so options are not a problem for him but his heart seems to be closed up to most people. Then again he lives in a very vapid city--he calls it hell and wants desperately to move--so I guess it's plausible that he didn't meet the right people. I think that I am in love with him but I feel like he is one step ahead of me and he has let himself go in a way that I have not because I can never get out of my head the fact that I have never locked eyes with or touched him-- I don't think video chat really counts. It may be just that he has less relationship experience than I do so he doesn't perceive the potential pitfalls ahead. Before I was just going with it--like we're crazy but we have an amazing connection so what the hell, but at this point it's all starting to seem a bit actual crazy rather than just fun crazy and I am noticing myself slightly withdraw. Which I do not want to do because it's not fair to him and I want to make this work. My understanding of guys who come on this strong out of the gate is that they usually fizzle fast and considering the physical distance between us this is an increasing concern of mine. Basically he seems really fantastic and I'd love for things to work out. I feel like with this negative post I am giving short shrift to the positives in our connection which are enough for now to make me almost forget how crazy it all is. I just don't want things to get out of handl. You know? Is there some way for me to slow the pace in a gentle way without alarming him? I am trying to put in my all but at the same time would like to be cautious and make mature choices for myself. I feel that to continue at this pace if I'm internally pulling back is being dishonest. I feel guilty. Edited July 27, 2011 by torn_curtain
snug.bunny Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I glimpsed through your last post. Don't feel guilty, the relationship probably seems off balance on account of how quickly his feelings have seemed to develop, WITHOUT having met you, spent time with you, in the flesh. Take into consideration, that all his prior relationships, have been short lived "flings", you are wise to be alert. Just keep in mind, that what he is most likely feeling at this stage, is infatuation, you can't place a bet on infatuation...unless, of course, you like to gamble against the odds, I prefer a solid wager.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I agree with snug bunny, but you also need to understand that most guys who really like a girl act like this whether they are the committed type or not. You just have to wait it out and see if his feelings continue or fizzle away. There's no way to understand this part of with him without time passing. I wouldn't call the things he is doing "red flags", but be cautious until his infatuation fizzles away. It is such a huge risk that you might not be physically compatible or mutually attracted, huge. Other than that, it's probably as healthy as any other meeting, after all lots of in person meetings are fueled on lust and hormones, not a substantial foundation. Would start webcamming with full view of each other sooner rather than later if you aren't already. Sounds cynical, and is, but also practical. This is extremely important! I've done online dating enough AND met a guy on a forum that I dated for five years that you don't know everything is good between you two until you meet him in person. I remember that there was one guy I was dating online who had the most amazing personality and I had an extremely strong connection with him. We wound up talking on the phone regularly and getting very deep, very fast in our conversations. I met him on a dating site, so I had to meet him right away in person to see if we were compatible. I met him in person and he was MUCH fatter than in his pictures and MUCH uglier. I tried really hard to make things work between us but I had no physical attraction to him. My Mom met him once and she said that he was one of the most hideous people she'd ever seen. and I genuinely feel sorry for him for that reason. In my five year long relationship, we met after 8 months and sparks flew! We were in love. =) And very, very attracted to one another. Just understand this . . . . . Unless he's the type of person to purposefully go out of his way to deceive others, his personality will be identical in person to how it is when you talk to him over the phone. That's how its always been for me when I met men. The only possible problem you could have at this point is if you guys are both attracted to one another once you meet. That will make or break your relationship, which is why it should happen as soon as possible. Really neither of you can afford this? For example, you could fly from Boston to Los Angeles (hypothetical cities - east coast to west coast) on AirTran the first weekend in September for $370. You two can't split the cost and each come up with $200 in order to meet? If I thought that I really was in love with someone, I would scrimp and save all I could in order to fly to meet them way before January. Agreed!
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