zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) I have 4 pretty close female friends, and I've known most of them for 10-20 years. Most of these friends have been far more casual about sex than I ever have. The most active one has had at least 100 partners. I am the most conservative, having had about 10 partners over almost 20 years of sexual activity. Again, I'm not judging your sexual history or saying it has anything to do with the # sexual partners. That's getting me misconstrued as well. Were the ones who got married having a FWB when they met their current partners? My point is not at all that someone who has casual sex or even a FWB will not get married. That's silly. My point is that I think hedging your bets with a FWB makes it more difficult to get into a real relationship. ETA: I was just thinking about it, and I suppose it seems rather pessimistic to me the way you're approaching a FWB. It seems like the mindset is, "I'd rather a LTR but since I can't have that now, I'll pass the time with a FWB" (correct me if I'm wrong) and that's perhaps where I see it being inefficient. Because in order to believe you need to pass the time, there has to be the belief that a LTR is not 'right around the corner.' After all, if you believed you'd meet your ultimate guy tomorrow or even anytime soon, you wouldn't bother with a FWB, would you? That's why I actually see it as much more pessimistic than just having sex the way, say, a free spirited gal might. It's really setting up an arrangement because you believe that LTR isn't going to be here any minute. And that's why I see people in them constantly waiting for that LTR. Because they've set themselves up for a wait. When I thought you just wanted a FWB because you wanted a FWB and a LTR was not your goal, I was basically, "You go, girl." So it's not a matter of judging people who do any particular thing. The two just seem counter intuitive to me. I've never seen the "take the edge off" work for most people, and I think it would only work if it was, "I really want to sleep with this guy, so what the hell?" That's a totally different mindset than, "I need a regular sex source and there's no LTR." Edited July 20, 2011 by zengirl
OliveOyl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 ETA: I was just thinking about it, and I suppose it seems rather pessimistic to me the way you're approaching a FWB. It seems like the mindset is, "I'd rather a LTR but since I can't have that now, I'll pass the time with a FWB" (correct me if I'm wrong) and that's perhaps where I see it being inefficient. Because in order to believe you need to pass the time, there has to be the belief that a LTR is not 'right around the corner.' After all, if you believed you'd meet your ultimate guy tomorrow or even anytime soon, you wouldn't bother with a FWB, would you? When I thought you just wanted a FWB because you wanted a FWB and a LTR was not your goal, I was basically, "You go, girl." So it's not a matter of judging people who do any particular thing. I agree with this above. If you weren't in the frame of mind for a LTR, for whatever reason, then it seems totally cool to go for a FWB. Or if a FWB ended up in your lap, and you were happy with it, that seems totally cool. But to have the mindset that you are deliberately seeking out a FWB because you can't find a LTR... If you truly want an LTR now, focus your energies on that... don't dissipate them. It sounds just as difficult to find the ideal FWB that fits the parameters you're looking for as the ideal mate. That's my point... go for what you really want rather than a watered down version. When you're talking not waiting for the perfect house or a job, that's one thing--you are saving up money for a house or accruing experience for a better job. But there isn't a "relationship points" bank... you're just as likely to find your ideal mate now as a few years from now. Probably more likely as you're younger... unless you're still trying to figure out what kind of guy you're looking for or you feel you are working on healing old wounds and aren't ready for an LTR.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Well, the few times in my life I have been LOOKING FOR a relationship... I got nothing. When I am not looking, but am just living my life, a lot more guys and more suitable guys are approaching me -- like now. As for my friends who are now married, I know for a fact that one of them was having various casual sex arrangements right up until she and her now-husband got together. She even had one with my roommate. They have one the most stable marriages I know of, and seem happy compared to most long-term couples.
snug.bunny Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If your natural inclination is a monogamous relationship and emotional intimacy, every time you engage in or settle for the opposite, is an action that is diverting AWAY from that... Sometimes people get horny and need some good ole' fashion sexual satisfaction, but, I wouldn't let that take front lead over wanting to build a relationship with someone.
carhill Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 OP, how do you differentiate between casual relationships , which you apparently 'didn't do' at one time, and FWB, or has something in your perspective changed?
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 OP, how do you differentiate between casual relationships , which you apparently 'didn't do' at one time, and FWB, or has something in your perspective changed? That's pretty much my question, too.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Yeah, a lot has changed since then. I'm getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things to a degree I haven't in a long time, or maybe ever. What I was doing in the past, all "the right stuff", hasn't worked out for me very well -- so it's time to try something else.
Sanman Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 While zengirl thinks it a binding issue, I think it is more of a choice issue. What happens when you like some aspects of your fwb better and aspects of the relationship prospects better? Maybe you can differentiate, but I have had a hard time in the past of letting go of the better looking, better in bed, or whatever fwb for a woman who could be a real prospect. No one is perfect and even a relationship prospect will have weaknesses. While I agree that regular sex can free you up to prioritize other things in a relationship, it is a double edged sword.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Well, this latest prospect has disqualified himself. So now I'm back to looking for someone to date. If I don't find that soon, I'll consider other possibilities again. I'm chatting with this guy on POF right now -- and browsing the offerings. I've already found one guy I totally want. He's in my favorites now. I might take the leap and throw up some pictures and fill out my profile soon!
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