Ah, modern dating -- and FWB

[Ruby Slippers]

So, I met this pretty cool and quite sexy guy this weekend, but he's not relationship material for me. In spite of this, I like a lot of things about him. I might consider him as a FWB, but the problem I have run into in my past 2 FWB situations (guy I was dating that I tried this with, and guy I asked to be FWB from the start) is that the guys had feelings and couldn't keep those out of the equation.

 

I was totally honest with this guy about this possibility and my experiences with FWB, and said my worry is that he will fall for me, because it seems that all guys I get involved with do. He laughed and said, "Well, your confidence is certainly very sexy," then got even more moony eyed. haha

 

We were also talking about my fitness regimen, and he said at the very least, he'd love to go running with me, as he'd like to get in better shape, too.

 

Is this a bad idea?

 

I'm starting to think that if I really want a FWB, I'm going to have to go for some super hot guy who has many options and is less likely to get attached to me. But the truth is that I prefer guys who are very intelligent, creative, and cool, and, in my experience, really hot guys are usually dumb and just not that interesting -- hence, not very attractive to me.

 

Has anyone had a successful FWB situation? How did you make that happen?

[proactivedreamer]

I am currently in a fwb, which started as such. It seems to be going well-I don't feel attached, and we started this arrangement about 2 1/2 months ago. Ours works because we don't see each other too often(this is important to note). When we do see each other, we do not always have sex, which is pretty cool. We do not do anything romantic(i.e hold hands, hold each other-unless we are staying the night together). I think people have to be clear with themselves about whether or not they are open to a potential relationship with their fwb,if there is any possibility of a relationship, then it will not work. I know that the guy I have this arrangement with is not bf material,therefore, I know nothing will happen between us. I am very clear about what I want, and having a boyfriend is no longer relevant to my life, so this is what I am content with. I think your guy needs to be clear with himself about what he wants and what he is capable of handling. Another thing, do not mention that you are seeing anyone else to each other. I would advise to just ask in a general way if he is sleeping with someone else and how many. You gotta stay safe and aware. Good luck!!

[Ruby Slippers]

OK, thanks. After I got very honest with him, he did, too. He told me he currently has an FWB he sees about once a week, but hinted he would ditch her for me. He said she wants more with him, but he doesn't with her, and has been totally honest about that.

 

I think it's pretty clear that he would be at greater risk of developing feelings in this situation. He is definitely not bf material for me, but I worry that he thinks he could change my mind. And he's very smart and persuasive, hence my slight worry.

 

I told him I would think about it and let him know. So now, I think.

[Feelsgoodman]

I'm starting to think that if I really want a FWB, I'm going to have to go for some super hot guy who has many options and is less likely to get attached to me.

Is this even a realistic possibility? Why would a "super hot guy who has many options" want to be your FWB? What would you have to offer a guy like that? Are you "super hot" yourself?

[Ruby Slippers]

You are a cold and heartless woman who will be alone for the rest of her life. All the hearts you have broken will come back ten fold. Karma baby!

Maybe I will be alone, but at least I can have some fun.

 

For the record, I haven't lied or misled anyone. I have been 100% straight-shooting, i.e.: "I'm not interested in a relationship with you because of X. But I like you and think you're cool and sexy. Are you interested in something light-hearted and fun only -- hanging out and having sex? You are free to look for a relationship elsewhere, as am I."

 

They are free to say yes or no.

[Ruby Slippers]

Is this even a realistic possibility? Why would a "super hot guy who has many options" want to be your FWB? What would you have to offer a guy like that? Are you "super hot" yourself?

I've gone on about half a dozen dates in the last year with very attractive men who were clearly seeking FWB. At the time of those dates, I had never done FWB, so was not interested. But I'm coming around. So the next time a super hot guy asks me out, I will feel him out for that.

 

And every time I go to a bar or club, some stupidly gorgeous man tries to go home with me. I did that a couple of times in my early 20s, but haven't since.

 

I think my face is cute to a little more than cute, and my body is fit, sexy, and very hot.

[Feelsgoodman]

I've gone on about half a dozen dates in the last year with very attractive men who were clearly seeking FWB. At the time of those dates, I had never done FWB, so was not interested. But I'm coming around. So the next time a super hot guy asks me out, I will feel him out for that.

 

And every time I go to a bar or club, some stupidly gorgeous man tries to go home with me. I did that a couple of times in my early 20s, but haven't since.

 

I think my face is cute to a little more than cute, and my body is fit, sexy, and very hot.

If it's as you say and you can pull 'stupidly gorgeous men', then by all means, go for it. Why would you want a FWB with an intellectual anyway? (unless your idea of "benefits" is talking about math...)

[zengirl]

Maybe I will be alone, but at least I can have some fun.

 

For the record, I haven't lied or misled anyone. I have been 100% straight-shooting, i.e.: "I'm not interested in a relationship with you because of X. But I like you and think you're cool and sexy. Are you interested in something light-hearted and fun only -- hanging out and having sex? You are free to look for a relationship elsewhere, as am I."

 

They are free to say yes or no.

 

I think that's the right way to do it, and I say this as someone who has no interest in FWBs (or guys that have them at present, frankly). If everyone were just more open about what they wanted---whether it be Just Sex, FWBs, Serial Monogamy, Real Relationships, etc, we'd have a whole lot less heartbreak. That's totally fair play.

[oaks]

I think my face is cute to a little more than cute, and my body is fit, sexy, and very hot.

 

Yum!

 

I mean, erm, nice combination.

[Ruby Slippers]

If it's as you say and you can pull 'stupidly gorgeous men', then by all means, go for it. Why would you want a FWB with an intellectual anyway? (unless your idea of "benefits" is talking about math...)

Actually, it is. I went to a lecture on the geometry of music a while back -- for FUN. I'm an insatiable learner, and intelligence is THE biggest turn on for me. If the guy is dumb, no matter how hot he is, he just doesn't hold my interest.

 

But I can have an hour-long conversation with a guy about physics and want to rip his clothes off as soon as he mentions multiverse theory.

 

I messaged and sent a couple of pictures to this quite nerdy and slightly overweight guy on OK Cupid last night, an astrophysicist who seems totally brilliant from his profile, but he hasn't written back. That surprised me. I approached him in a non-sexual, no-pressure way. My hope is that he is crafting the perfect response as we speak.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think that's the right way to do it, and I say this as someone who has no interest in FWBs (or guys that have them at present, frankly). If everyone were just more open about what they wanted---whether it be Just Sex, FWBs, Serial Monogamy, Real Relationships, etc, we'd have a whole lot less heartbreak. That's totally fair play.

I WANT a real relationship, but I am not finding good candidates for that. And I'm at my sexual peak, so I have to do something!!

 

This guy actually told me that he thinks the women generally outclass the man on dating sites. He said, "These women have lots of higher education, great jobs, active social lives, and just everything in the world going for them." I said, "Yeah, most of my friends are having trouble finding guys anywhere near their level. We are all meeting a lot of... losers and *******s."

 

Seriously, I have friends who are beautiful, own their own businesses, are fun and loving, in great shape, not clingy or needy -- and we just keep meeting these guys with major issues, cheaters, liars, *******s, commitment phobes. It's not just me.

 

And you know, I have no problem dating a guy who earns less than me, has less going on socially, isn't in the best shape in the world, whatever. But in my experience, if you are doing better than the guy in just about any area, he gets threatened and insecure, and stirs up a bunch of BS about it.

[carhill]

For some reason I always see FWB as a disclaimer-filled backslide into a relationship.

 

Anyway, the guy's disclosed and if he 'falls for you' that's his problem. Since he has FWB experience, he's even more disclosed as to the potential complexities and results. I wouldn't give it a second thought. Do what you want and if he gives any trouble, just walk away. Emotional neutrality.

[grkBoy]

I'm starting to wonder if that girl I dated a few years before I met my GF was trying to make me a "fling" or FB.

 

She didn't want to call it dating or use any terms like that, but she wanted me to come over, have sex with her, curl up and sleep with her, and spend time with her as if we were dating.

 

I dunno...I was looking for a GF and a RL, which is why I tried to make it happen, and probably why we fell apart. Men and women can be as honest with one another as they want about it all, but I think it's just impossible to separate the sex from the emotion. In the end someone gets attached.

 

My advice: If you wan to sleep with him, have a short-term fling and move on. Tell him you don't see a RL happening with him so he knows where you stand, but you think he's hot and tell him you just want some meaningless fun.

[Sanman]

I WANT a real relationship, but I am not finding good candidates for that. And I'm at my sexual peak, so I have to do something!!

 

This guy actually told me that he thinks the women generally outclass the man on dating sites. He said, "These women have lots of higher education, great jobs, active social lives, and just everything in the world going for them." I said, "Yeah, most of my friends are having trouble finding guys anywhere near their level. We are all meeting a lot of... losers and *******s."

 

Seriously, I have friends who are beautiful, own their own businesses, are fun and loving, in great shape, not clingy or needy -- and we just keep meeting these guys with major issues, cheaters, liars, *******s, commitment phobes. It's not just me.

And you know, I have no problem dating a guy who earns less than me, has less going on socially, isn't in the best shape in the world, whatever. But in my experience, if you are doing better than the guy in just about any area, he gets threatened and insecure, and stirs up a bunch of BS about it.

 

I find this post hilarious because you are trying to arrange a FWB with a guy who likes you yet you do not like for a relationship because you have sexual needs. Then you complain about you and men who are liars and cheaters doing essentially the same thing to you and your friends (albeit with more dishonesty because we don't have such an easy time getting into a FWB).

 

 

P.S. - multiverse theory... what time should I expect you in my bed?

[zengirl]

I find this post hilarious because you are trying to arrange a FWB with a guy who likes you yet you do not like for a relationship because you have sexual needs. Then you complain about you and men who are liars and cheaters doing essentially the same thing to you and your friends (albeit with more dishonesty because we don't have such an easy time getting into a FWB).

 

But it's the honesty that makes all the difference. It's tricking someone into having sex with you is disgusting.

 

And, honestly, a good looking man shouldn't have any trouble finding a FWB with someone. It may not be his ultimate someone, but I know loads of guys who can find a FWB when they want to.

[Sanman]

But it's the honesty that makes all the difference. It's tricking someone into having sex with you is disgusting.

 

And, honestly, a good looking man shouldn't have any trouble finding a FWB with someone. It may not be his ultimate someone, but I know loads of guys who can find a FWB when they want to.

 

I am sure a really good looking guy has no problems. In fact, I know so. But it is harder for an average looking guy to get a feb arrangement with a woman he finds acceptably attractive compared to a woman. That is a simple reality. I don't advocate lying, but let us not act like the playing field is even for getting fwb relationships.

[zengirl]

I am sure a really good looking guy has no problems. In fact, I know so. But it is harder for an average looking guy to get a feb arrangement with a woman he finds acceptably attractive compared to a woman. That is a simple reality. I don't advocate lying, but let us not act like the playing field is even for getting fwb relationships.

 

Oh, of course, it's not even since less women want FWB relationships.

 

It might become closer to even at a later age, like the OP --- or I believe it becomes more even at least. I never meant to say it was. But there are plenty of guys who can get a FWB if they have either money or looks, just not with a girl as pretty as they like. However, I think almost any guy with anything going for him could get a girl of some level to enter a FWB with him---be it older or wider than he likes, most likely. That's all I was saying. "Acceptably attractive" is the key there. Not that it was equally easy, but that I don't exactly have sympathy for someone who cannot find someone acceptably attractive to use for sex. Then again maybe the OP would. Perhaps you have to be the sort of person who'd have a FWB to have sympathy for that POV.

 

But my point was that the lying is really the big difference, and it's a HUGE difference between entering into an agreement or being lied to. Not that the guys I really mind even bother to lie when they seek a FWB; they just treat a girl like crap (from what I see on these boards anyway) and hope she gets the hint. If a woman does that, she's horrible too IMO. What the OP does is another matter.

[grkBoy]

And you know, I have no problem dating a guy who earns less than me, has less going on socially, isn't in the best shape in the world, whatever. But in my experience, if you are doing better than the guy in just about any area, he gets threatened and insecure, and stirs up a bunch of BS about it.

 

Move on then.

 

You've shown that you're not being narrow-minded or trying to "marry up". You just want someone who can handle the fact you don't want to be mediocre.

 

Eventually someone will come along.

 

I know I'd totally date a woman like that, even attempted it...but she still held on to the fantasy of a super-hot guy who makes more money than her. This one would lament on how all the guys with education/career are ugly and all the hot guys are uneducated losers...and the few hot guys with education and career success only chase trophies or flings. It's no wonder that particular woman is single and bitter about love.

 

In your case, you might just want to try rolling in different circles. Find someone who maybe doesn't make the money, but doesn't care. I'm sure male teachers or artists know they're not going to be rolling in money, so they might handle it better.

[carhill]

The only women I've seen available (to myself) for NSA have been married. Those are the only data points I have for certain. That kind of dating is a bit too 'modern' for me. I'm happy the OP has more and better opportunities. Those men should know the drill. I don't play the game and I know it, so they should breathe it.

[zengirl]

Coming from a woman, this is as close as you can get to "let them eat cake."

 

Lying to get sex is one thing, so don't go there. A man seducing a woman is usually much less trickery than makeup, hair dye, high heels and padded bras. But of course those things are probably not "trickery" in your definition. Imagine that.

 

Sure a man in the 70th percentile of physical attractiveness can get a FWB relationship... with a woman in the 50th percentile or lower. A man lower than the 60th percentile is limited to prostitutes or very drunk women for NSA.

 

Makeup really isn't magic; you can tell when someone is wearing it. And men also use hair dye, and both men and women can use clothes to enhance their looks. High heels are the opposite of trickery since you can't "hide" the fact that you're wearing them. I suppose a padded bra is some trickery, so if men want to complain about them, they're certainly welcome to.

 

And I'm speaking of "lying to get sex" so I don't know how you say it's one thing and . . . what exactly is another? Pretending you want a relationship or care about the person beyond what you do to get sex is lying to get sex. End-stop.

 

As far as the "Let them eat cake" thing, well I've never had sex outside of a committed relationship and very rarely with a man I didn't love. So while I don't judge the OP or any man or woman who does what she does and is honest about it, I really don't feel sympathy for any man or woman who cannot get sex honestly since I don't really think it's a necessity (as I said, women like the OP might disagree, so totally not necessarily a gender thing). I've gone awhile without it and been happier in my sex life for it, IMO (I've never had "bad sex" and most of my friends cannot say so). To each their own, so long as they're honest.

Edited July 19, 2011 by zengirl

[Sanman]

Oh, of course, it's not even since less women want FWB relationships.

 

It might become closer to even at a later age, like the OP --- or I believe it becomes more even at least. I never meant to say it was. But there are plenty of guys who can get a FWB if they have either money or looks, just not with a girl as pretty as they like. However, I think almost any guy with anything going for him could get a girl of some level to enter a FWB with him---be it older or wider than he likes, most likely. That's all I was saying. "Acceptably attractive" is the key there. Not that it was equally easy, but that I don't exactly have sympathy for someone who cannot find someone acceptably attractive to use for sex. Then again maybe the OP would. Perhaps you have to be the sort of person who'd have a FWB to have sympathy for that POV.

 

But my point was that the lying is really the big difference, and it's a HUGE difference between entering into an agreement or being lied to. Not that the guys I really mind even bother to lie when they seek a FWB; they just treat a girl like crap (from what I see on these boards anyway) and hope she gets the hint. If a woman does that, she's horrible too IMO. What the OP does is another matter.

 

 

Well, I'm not asking you to cry over people not getting attractive FWBs either. Though, I do feel it is harder than you believe for guys because even less attractive women get asked for casual sex often enough. However, someone who wants sex simply becuase she is 'in her sexual prime' cannot blame men for doing the same. Sure, they may lie to her or her friends about their intentions. Will the OP or any women in a similar FWB relationship disclose that she is in one to a guy she genuinely likes and wants a relationship with? Dating is full of half truths and lies. Either you expect more from yourself and your partner or you realize that this is all part of the game. I've done the FWB thing when I was single and just out of college and it ended fine. Still, I wouldn't want any woman I am in a serious relationship with (possibly my future wife) to find out that I was sleeping with a friend while dating her and I would hope she extended the same courtesy to me. You may not have much sympathy for those without an attractive FWB. However, I have little sympathy for a person that will be engaging in one set of half truths complaining when lies/half truths are used on her and her friends.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Sanman

[Ruby Slippers]

I find this post hilarious because you are trying to arrange a FWB with a guy who likes you yet you do not like for a relationship because you have sexual needs. Then you complain about you and men who are liars and cheaters doing essentially the same thing to you and your friends (albeit with more dishonesty because we don't have such an easy time getting into a FWB).

Yeah, not really. I am telling him EXACTLY what the deal is. I also told him EXACTLY why I do not see him as relationship material. He could change these things if he wanted to -- but he doesn't. A relationship of any kind built on honesty is a totally different animal than one built on lies. I have major respect for anyone who is HONEST about who they are and what their intentions are, no matter what those may be. I respect an honest "loser" way more than a lying "winner".

 

P.S. - multiverse theory... what time should I expect you in my bed?

You have to say it all breathy right up against my ear -- then promise to take me to another universe TONIGHT.

 

In your case, you might just want to try rolling in different circles. Find someone who maybe doesn't make the money, but doesn't care. I'm sure male teachers or artists know they're not going to be rolling in money, so they might handle it better.

Good advice! I AM expanding my social networks right now, more actively than I ever have before. I'm getting over being a snob, holding myself back. It's just fear, a total waste of time. I am getting in the floooow. Being a creative person myself, the creative circles are the ones where I am naturally having the most fun.

 

Right now, I am leaning toward not getting involved with this guy. He just seems way too interested in me already, and I worry that will only intensify. We have a lot in common, and his "type" is free-spirited, creative, musical women like me. He is also clearly very attracted. So it could get intense, fast. Too scary!

[U1987]

So, I met this pretty cool and quite sexy guy this weekend, but he's not relationship material for me. In spite of this, I like a lot of things about him. I might consider him as a FWB, but the problem I have run into in my past 2 FWB situations (guy I was dating that I tried this with, and guy I asked to be FWB from the start) is that the guys had feelings and couldn't keep those out of the equation.

 

I was totally honest with this guy about this possibility and my experiences with FWB, and said my worry is that he will fall for me, because it seems that all guys I get involved with do. He laughed and said, "Well, your confidence is certainly very sexy," then got even more moony eyed. haha

 

We were also talking about my fitness regimen, and he said at the very least, he'd love to go running with me, as he'd like to get in better shape, too.

 

Is this a bad idea?

 

I'm starting to think that if I really want a FWB, I'm going to have to go for some super hot guy who has many options and is less likely to get attached to me. But the truth is that I prefer guys who are very intelligent, creative, and cool, and, in my experience, really hot guys are usually dumb and just not that interesting -- hence, not very attractive to me.

 

Has anyone had a successful FWB situation? How did you make that happen?

 

If you don't mind me asking, how, where and under what circumstances did you meet?

 

I've been looking for an FWB for a while but the vast majority of girls I've dated only wanted serious boyfriends, which I don't have the time or energy to be.

[Ruby Slippers]

Will the OP or any women in a similar FWB relationship disclose that she is in one to a guy she genuinely likes and wants a relationship with?

Yes. I have always been 100% honest about these things with people I was dating. They can ask me anything, and I will be honest.

 

If I went on a great date with a guy I really liked, I would immediately pause any FWB activity. I would want to give a good match a fair chance, without the sexual influence of any other guy. If we decided to start a relationship, I would tell the FWB good-bye. It's always clear to the FWB that this is a possibility.

 

If the new boyfriend wanted to know the details of my sexual history, I would be honest and tell him that I had an FWB right before we met, but stopped the involvement once I met him and had not had sex with him since our first date.

 

I have been very open with all my boyfriends about my sexual history, and told them all I'd had a couple of flings in my early 20s, just to try it out. With the exception of my childish high school boyfriend, no one had any problem with my sexual history. They all knew first-hand that I'm a very sensual person who enjoys sex a lot, and didn't hold my experiences against me at all.

 

In my experience, by their 30s, most people don't make nearly as big a deal of this kind of thing as younger people. It's refreshing.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

If you don't mind me asking, how, where and under what circumstances did you meet?

 

I've been looking for an FWB for a while but the vast majority of girls I've dated only wanted serious boyfriends, which I don't have the time or energy to be.

I want a boyfriend, too, but I don't want to get serious with any of the guys I've been meeting.

 

I met him at a neighborhood arts festival. He gave me a free copy of his book after I tipped the jazz band, then chatted me up for a while. He called me later, and we had a great conversation for 2 hours. It was during the conversation that it became clear he was not boyfriend material.

 

He asked me out on a date, and I said I wanted to think about it, and was hesitating for X reasons. He said he understood, and he hoped that even if I didn't want to date, we could do creative stuff together, go running, whatever.