Is making friends after rejection bad?

[Sweetheartt]

Hi everybody lol its me again. 19F Italian CT. Anyway I was out & about on friday when I ran into this guy I see around the neighborhood alot & we never spoke before until friday when he asked me out. It was kinda like a cold approach because we just talked for like 5 mins before he told me he was attracted to me yada yada.

 

Anyway I told him no lol. Then I told him lets be friends and he said NO! I didnt get that because he was nice up to that point but got kinda irritated when I offered him friendship and then said see u around and was gone. I think he was like 20 something Idk.

 

I saw him again yesterday when I was at the mall with my sister. I looked at him a little but he totally ignored me & then I saw him again earlier in the morning today when I went to the dry cleaners and he turned away & acted like he didnt wanna run into me. Why? I dont get it? I was nice to him & now he's acting like a jerk over nothing. Wouldnt u want to make a new friend & not an enemy?

[Feelsgoodman]

Hi everybody lol its me again. 19F Italian CT. Anyway I was out & about on friday when I ran into this guy I see around the neighborhood alot & we never spoke before until friday when he asked me out. It was kinda like a cold approach because we just talked for like 5 mins before he told me he was attracted to me yada yada.

 

Anyway I told him no lol. Then I told him lets be friends and he said NO! I didnt get that because he was nice up to that point but got kinda irritated when I offered him friendship and then said see u around and was gone. I think he was like 20 something Idk.

 

I saw him again yesterday when I was at the mall with my sister. I looked at him a little but he totally ignored me & then I saw him again earlier in the morning today when I went to the dry cleaners and he turned away & acted like he didnt wanna run into me. Why? I dont get it? I was nice to him & now he's acting like a jerk over nothing. Wouldnt u want to make a new friend & not an enemy?

I don't see how he's being a 'jerk'. He asked you out, you said no, so the two of you are back to where you were before (strangers). Why do you feel like he is now obligated to be your friend? It sounds like you don't want to go out with him but still want his attention to boost your ego.

[PDPullmn612]

To directly answer your question: no it is not bad to be friends after rejection. In this case, he isn't being a jerk. He asked you out and you said no. He doesn't HAVE to now be your friend.

 

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. I met a girl and found out later after asking her out that she has a boyfriend. In my case, I didn't burn any bridges and in fact she and I talk often. It depends on the guy and/or the situation. Sometimes I stop talking after a rejection or sometimes I stay friendly.

[Sweetheartt]

I don't see how he's being a 'jerk'. He asked you out, you said no, so the two of you are back to where you were before (strangers). Why do you feel like he is now obligated to be your friend? It sounds like you don't want to go out with him but still want his attention to boost your ego.

 

Thats soooo not true lol. I wanted to be friends & get to know him a little bit before even considering giving him a shot. Im not saying that Im gonna date him as we're friends but u never know but he blew it. I think he was a jerk for trying to avoid me because its so stupid. If he doesnt wanna be friends fine but its not like I embarrassed him when I said no. I was really nice about it & I only did it because I just didnt really know him like that. I wasnt comfortable gee

[Feelsgoodman]

Thats soooo not true lol. I wanted to be friends & get to know him a little bit before even considering giving him a shot. Im not saying that Im gonna date him as we're friends but u never know but he blew it. I think he was a jerk for trying to avoid me because its so stupid. If he doesnt wanna be friends fine but its not like I embarrassed him when I said no. I was really nice about it & I only did it because I just didnt really know him like that. I wasnt comfortable gee

Well, if that's your position (namely, that you want to get to know him first before deciding on whether to go out with him), maybe you should have said so. You can't expect the guy to be a mind reader. If he asks you out and you say no, it's rejection no matter how you slice it. And rejection = not interested. Also, I don't understand why you wouldn't go on a date with this guy if you want to get to know him better. Isn't that the whole purpose of going on a first date? It's not like you have to put or anything - it's just a date.

 

This guy didn't blow it; you did. He did everything right: approached you, initiated conversation, introduced himself, asked you out on a date. You are the one who handled it awkwardly, so it's not surprising that he's avoiding you now.

[Trimmer]

I think it's important to distinguish something here: is he actually "being a jerk" or is he just acting neutrally to you?

 

His choice NOT to "be friends" is no more offensive than your choice not to accept one date with him. Once you turned down the date, he would have no right to be pissed at you, right? Likewise, once he turns down your friendship offer, you have no right to be pissed at him. So if he is avoiding you, that is not "being a jerk", that's just his going on with his life without being your friend, just like you are going on with your life without dating him.

 

If he's insulting you, making snide comments, talking about you behind your back, then yeah, he's being a jerk, but is there anything like that going on?

 

"Avoiding you" is neutral - and understandable, after a rejection which you were perfectly entitled to give, but which you should understand may have deflated him some. That's his problem, not yours, but your assumption that your offer of friendship should be accepted by him, and your offense that it was not, is just as unjustified as if he had been pissed at you for not accepting his offer of a date.

 

Frankly, putting myself in his place, if anything he's probably either completely ambivalent - if he has some experience asking women out - or maybe some degree of embarrassed, if he doesn't. Maybe he got his courage up to ask you, and it was a big deal for him, and so he got shot down. So be it - it happens and it's a part of how it all works. Most men assume that the 'let's be friends' thing is a fake and easy dab of lubrication and anaesthesia that lets a woman escape such a situation with minimal unease. As a consequence, many men have come to believe that "friends" is a purgatory from which there is no hope of ascension to "romantic partners." Either way, many men will assume there's no chance here, and just say, "No thanks..." and move on. It sounds like that's what he did.

 

Ironically, he may have moved on and is handling his rejection (from you) better than you are handling your rejection (from him.) You each made a request of the other, and you each were perfectly entitled to say "no." But you're kinda dwelling on the fact that you didn't get what you wanted, calling him a jerk, etc, because you expected your offer to be accepted. He probably just moved on.

 

This guy didn't blow it; you did. He did everything right: approached you, initiated conversation, introduced himself, asked you out on a date. You are the one who handled it awkwardly, so it's not surprising that he's avoiding you now.

I just wanted to add that I'm not convinced that you handled your face-to-face interaction with him "awkwardly" - I'm willing to accept your assertion that you were kind and didn't embarrass him, etc.

 

But in the aftermath, you're handling your own reactions and feelings awkwardly, in not recognizing that (1) even though you didn't "embarrass him", that he may well have come away feeling deflated and/or embarrassed that he was rejected - this is part of being the one to make the first overture - (2) that he has the same right to decline your invitation as you did to decline his, and (3) that his avoiding you is not the same as him "being a jerk."

Edited July 18, 2011 by Trimmer

[Nexus One]

today when I went to the dry cleaners and he turned away & acted like he didnt wanna run into me. Why? I dont get it?

 

He wanted to be your lover, not your friend. He's not going to befriend you only to see you get involved with other men. So instead of emotionally torturing himself by becoming your friend he chooses to avoid you.

[ptp]

Thats soooo not true lol. I wanted to be friends & get to know him a little bit before even considering giving him a shot. Im not saying that Im gonna date him as we're friends but u never know but he blew it. I think he was a jerk for trying to avoid me because its so stupid. If he doesnt wanna be friends fine but its not like I embarrassed him when I said no. I was really nice about it & I only did it because I just didnt really know him like that. I wasnt comfortable gee

 

See as a guy if a girl isn't willing to let me taker her out on a date that is a huge rejection. It means the girl doesn't even want to give you a chance. If you thought there might be a chance you could like him, you should have said yes and gone on the date.

 

You rejected him and he is doing the right thing by staying away. He isn't being a jerk.

[chuckles11]

Most guys learn pretty early on that hanging out after being rejected with the hopes that the girl might one day come to her senses and reconsider them is a fool's errand. I agree with the other posters. He asked you out, you turned him down, interaction over. He is looking for a girlfriend, not friends. Time spent hanging out with you at this point will be time wasted.

[Nexus One]

I wanted to be friends & get to know him a little bit before even considering giving him a shot.

 

Im not saying that Im gonna date him as we're friends but u never know but he blew it.

 

If you didn't mention the bolded part to him, then it's you who blew it. Guys can't read your mind you know.

[Trimmer]

He wanted to be your lover, not your friend. He's not going to befriend you only to see you get involved with other men. So instead of emotionally torturing himself by becoming your friend he chooses to avoid you.

In the Theory of Emotional Evolution, the fundamental mechanism is "Survival of the Sensible."

[Eddie Edirol]

You cant be mad because he rejected you for friendship. He doesnt want to be buddy buddy, he wants a possible girlfriend. He knows that when a woman says no so fast like you did that youre not interested in him romantically, and no one wants to be friends with someone that rejected them for a date.

 

If you think you might be interested in the guy, say yes to giving your phone number, and then you talk to get to know each other so you can feel more comfortable. But any guy who knows better will never say yes to friendship.

 

If you want to be able to consider a guy for dating, you NEVER mention friends, or they will run, which is the right thing to do.

[singlelife]

Thats soooo not true lol. I wanted to be friends & get to know him a little bit before even considering giving him a shot. Im not saying that Im gonna date him as we're friends but u never know but he blew it. I think he was a jerk for trying to avoid me because its so stupid. If he doesnt wanna be friends fine but its not like I embarrassed him when I said no. I was really nice about it & I only did it because I just didnt really know him like that. I wasnt comfortable gee

 

 

I agrew with most of the responses on this thread. he did nothing wrong. he doesn't have to be bothered with you. He doesn't owe you anything. If you wanted to get to know him YOUR response should havebeen different. You still have the option of goin gup to HIM and asking for his number so you can talk to him if you want to know him. But he's not acting mad at you or stalking you so he manned up and moved on like he's supposed to do. This is a common mistake women make. Don't try to paint him out like a bad guy for respecting you. You have to respect his space and choices as well.

[grkBoy]

I didnt get that because he was nice up to that point but got kinda irritated when I offered him friendship and then said see u around and was gone. I think he was like 20 something Idk.

 

Why? I dont get it? I was nice to him & now he's acting like a jerk over nothing. Wouldnt u want to make a new friend & not an enemy?

 

I'll put it that he's 20 and thus acting immature, but I can't blame a guy for rejecting the friendzone.

 

Let's imagine if I was single. I met an attractive woman, we chatted, clicked, and then I tried to go for a number...or we even get to the point or one or two dates. All of a sudden, she hits me with the dreaded words guys don't want to hear:

 

"Lets just be friends"

 

At this point, I'm going to really assess if she's worth having as a friend. If I can see she's got a taste for jerks, and I'll end up being the guy she cries to while exclaiming "Where are all the good men?" then I'll politely decline her friendship offer.

 

If I had real feelings for her, even heavy lust, I will decline.

 

I would not become rude and ignore her all the time...but I wouldn't become her "bosom buddy". The main reason is I was attracted to her and wanted more than friendship, and taking the friendzone is a step down that leads to nowhere.

 

I tell guys NEVER to accept the friendzone thinking one day she'll "come around". It is so rare to happen that it's not worth the wasting of time. I don't care how many women proclaim they like to do "friends first", it's also a crock of s**t, because I see those very same women instantly jump into a RL with some other guy.

 

You have to understand that unless you're rolling with a pack of hot single women that this guy has a shot at, he's not really gaining anything by being your friend. I know this sounds cold, but it's how guys are. We will only go "friendship" if we think she's that cool (and we didn't have any deep feelings of lust for her) or she's got loads of hot friends I can try to hook up with.

 

That's the simple answer. I have many female friends, but I don't want to date them or sleep with them. That's how I can make it work. Ones I wanted "more" with I am not friends with. I just can't be "only a friend" and watch her chase other guys when I want to be that guy.

 

I imagine he's the same way.

[singlelife]

It's funny how women have to always make the guy the bad person if it doesn't work out.

[Sweetheartt]

I agrew with most of the responses on this thread. he did nothing wrong. he doesn't have to be bothered with you. He doesn't owe you anything. If you wanted to get to know him YOUR response should havebeen different. You still have the option of goin gup to HIM and asking for his number so you can talk to him if you want to know him. But he's not acting mad at you or stalking you so he manned up and moved on like he's supposed to do. This is a common mistake women make. Don't try to paint him out like a bad guy for respecting you. You have to respect his space and choices as well.

 

I feel like he is acting mad at me by ducking me twice. If it wasnt no big deal then why doesnt he just go past me & at least look at me lol!? Im not pissed that he put down my friendship, its like w/e. Im just annoyed that he was so nice at first & even charming but asked me out too fast & I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though. I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

[singlelife]

I feel like he is acting mad at me by ducking me twice. If it wasnt no big deal then why doesnt he just go past me & at least look at me lol!? Im not pissed that he put down my friendship, its like w/e. Im just annoyed that he was so nice at first & even charming but asked me out too fast & I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though. I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

 

 

Not necessarily does it mean he was just wanting to hook up. You are making it a big deal because you are kinda liking him and now there's no chance unless you change what YOU are doing. So get over it, look at him as a nice guy, and initiate.

[Eddie Edirol]

I feel like he is acting mad at me by ducking me twice. If it wasnt no big deal then why doesnt he just go past me & at least look at me lol!? Im not pissed that he put down my friendship, its like w/e. Im just annoyed that he was so nice at first & even charming but asked me out too fast & I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though. I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

 

Ah, you keep changing your story. You are hurt that you got rejected by him multiple times. Youre mad that he wants nothing to do with you. It was a big deal to him, thats why he wants nothing to do with you. He wont look at you because he moved on and is working on the next woman he will approach. Thats what happens when you mention friends. He really wants nothing to do with you. Well you will never know if he only wanted to hook up with you or not because you panicked and said the wrong thing, ruining your shot of possibly a good bf.

 

You cant please everybody, so stop worrying about why hes rejecting you.

[carhill]

It's refreshing that the young guys are so wise and yet polite, and my 30+ years of dating experience (and mistakes) backs them up completely.

 

OP, you made a choice. Choices have consequences. You're young. Lots of time to learn. Good luck

[sm1tten]

I realise that you are pretty young, but are you really having a hard time understanding why someone would not want to be your friend after being rejected romantically? The reason he is ignoring you isn't because he's mad; it's because he's over it.

[chuckles11]

I feel like he is acting mad at me by ducking me twice. If it wasnt no big deal then why doesnt he just go past me & at least look at me lol!? Im not pissed that he put down my friendship, its like w/e. Im just annoyed that he was so nice at first & even charming but asked me out too fast & I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though. I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

 

He isn't acting mad. He's avoiding you because you rejected him and it is embarrassing to talk to you. You do realize that people don't enjoy being rejected, right? He doesn't know that you turned him down because you got scared. He thinks you turned him down because you think he is unattractive in some way. Try to put yourself in his shoes.

 

Also, you act as if you went up and started talking to him and he coldly ignored you. From what I can tell in the OP, it seems like he just sort of avoided you when you were nearby.

 

BTW, claiming that he was just trying to hook up with you is just an attempt on your part to demonize him for not behaving like you want him to. You have no idea what his motive was for asking you out.

Edited July 19, 2011 by chuckles11

[Trimmer]

It's funny how women have to always make the guy the bad person if it doesn't work out.

... and as if on cue, precisely 15 minutes later:

I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

You have NO WAY of knowing that. You've got a bunch of guys on here trying to give you the benefit of our experience, a peek behind the curtain, some insight into how a guy feels after putting himself out there and getting rejected, and your conclusion is that it was "just an act to hook up"?

 

I still say it seems there's a good chance that he's handling your rejection better than you are handling his.

 

I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though.

And I'll say again, I accept that you were nice and kind and polite. That's good and human of you. But realize that no matter what, he still heard "no" and that's what matters. You had every right to turn him down, and you are not responsible for his feelings that result from it - he'll get over it and handle it fine.

 

But you're getting a lot of genuine insight from guys here, and you don't seem to be getting the message that the being nice and "let's be friends", to a guy, are all just minor cushions for the fall that is still, ultimately, "NO." It doesn't mean he was just trying to hook up; as has been pointed out here, it may mean he is embarrassed or just ambivalent.

 

Neither of those equates to "angry" or "rude." If you "feel" like he is "acting" angry, that's because you are projecting your own interpretation onto his behavior, which objectively is just ignoring and possibly avoiding you. That's not rude, that's ambivalent. He doesn't love you, he doesn't hate you. He "nothings" you, and perhaps that is what is bothering you most.

 

When he owes you something and fails to deliver, then you can explain that situation to us, and tell us how he's being rude or a jerk. Does he owe you anything?

Edited July 19, 2011 by Trimmer

[Shaun-Dro]

I feel like he is acting mad at me by ducking me twice. If it wasnt no big deal then why doesnt he just go past me & at least look at me lol!? Im not pissed that he put down my friendship, its like w/e. Im just annoyed that he was so nice at first & even charming but asked me out too fast & I got a little scared so I said no, but I said it really nicely though. I dont always do this with guys but he seemed cool but now I know it was just an act to hook up with me

 

This is a classic example of a teenage girl playing games with a man and acting all confused when the fish didn't bite the bait. A very popular thing today with these types of girls, particularly the attractive ones.

 

You use fear as a source of rejection, huh? I don't understand that at all. If you were in junior high school then maybe, but you're almost 20, which is near the same age as my girlfriend, and she never got scared when I'd stepped it up and asked her out. She took it up a notch with me.

 

This fellow being straight to the point should've at least scored him your phone number and then maybe some hanging out to see where it goes but to simply drop the "Let's be friends" on his lap was wrong, and especially wrong for you to complain because he refused to accept it.

 

It's your ego that's bruised, isn't it, Sweetheartt? I can clearly see that. I suspect you're used to guys chasing behind you like a puppy dog after the rejection, but because this guy decided against it and chose to ignore you it's got your cute little panties in a bunch.

[singlelife]

It's really funny. This lil guh likes the guy and wants to try him out and since she messed it up and he moved on she is regretting it. Lil guh, you don't have the skills to date right now. Go party and have fun until you get your head straight. Get back at us in ten years.

[Sweetheartt]

Ah, you keep changing your story. You are hurt that you got rejected by him multiple times. Youre mad that he wants nothing to do with you. It was a big deal to him, thats why he wants nothing to do with you. He wont look at you because he moved on and is working on the next woman he will approach. Thats what happens when you mention friends. He really wants nothing to do with you. Well you will never know if he only wanted to hook up with you or not because you panicked and said the wrong thing, ruining your shot of possibly a good bf.

 

You cant please everybody, so stop worrying about why hes rejecting you.

 

U dont know what your talking about I rejected him and he started to ignore me, not the other way around. I dont play games ok? Im just very cautious of who I wanna give my # to because theres alot of crazies out here now. Im not about to wound up in a ditch someplace lol.