AlanN Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years and I split up about 1 month ago because she may want to have a baby in the future and I'm 99%t sure I don't. She is 36, never marriend and has no kids. I am 45, divorced, and have to young children. I am heartbroken because this is the only girl I've ever been in love with and truly want to spend the rest of my life with, but the thought of having a baby scares me for lots of reasons. I worry about being a part time parent again if her and I split up, I'm not really sure I want to start all over again with the baby stage, I don't want to be in my late 60's and have a child only halfway through college, and am not feeling the thought 100% about really wanting another child, which I think is very important because having another baby is a life changing decision. But there are times that I did dream of giving her a baby because of the love and feelings I have for her but I always come back to "my reality." All of the time were together I was always telling her I didn't want to have anymore kids. She on the otherhand would go back and forth by saying yes I want a baby, or no, I don't want to have kids. I have enough nieces and nephews, or just be unsure of what she really wants. I guess she may have been waiting for me to say what she wants to hear. I believe she is influenced greatly by her family on what she should do with her life since she is the baby. I saw her the other night and she told me that she wants to marry me and have my baby. I told her that I can't commit to the baby part and that if that's what she truly wants, then I am not the man for her. She called me selfish but I think she is just angry, hurt, and confused and I do understand. I am not mad because I am soooo in love with her and understand that having a baby is right if thats what she wants. I don't want her to resent me in the future if I don't give her kids. The sad part is that we almost never fight or argue. From my perspective, and a few of my closest friends, this situation is just unfortunate for the both of us because of the love and feelings we both have for each other. they say BAD TIMING! I guess my questions is if I am really making the right decision by not giving her 1 child??? Or am i being selfish by not giving the love of my life what she wants?? Any advice or comments are appreciated.
sleepykitten Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Hi, i am so sorry youre going through this, break ups suck. For what its worth-you have been totally honest with her from the beginning. If you "Give" her a baby just because she wants one and you want to make her happy but you dont really want one then you are going to have problems down the line. I dont think you are being selfish as you understand why she left and you have not messed her about. Whatever you dont dont change your mind just because you want her back, change your mind if and only if YOU want a child with or without this woman.
geegirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) I don't believe you are being selfish. These are very important life goals that two people need to share when going into a relationship. You were upfront with her from day one and she probably felt that at some point she could change your mind. If you really do not want anymore children, do not compromise on this, especially in this stage of your life. You will feel resentment when the life you've always hoped for is not the life you're living. Only compromise if you want to be a father again. If you can't give her what she wants, and vice versa, maybe both of you are best suited for partners that are looking for the same long terms goals. Edited July 18, 2011 by geegirl
Casablanca Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You did the right thing, dont change for anyone...I'd never date anyone who didnt want kids, but I understand your perspective....mid 40s and already have kids...by the time the kid came along, you'd be approaching 70 when the kid was ready for college If I were in your position, I'd feel the same way, but I also understand why she feels the way she does
Author AlanN Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I really appreciate the comments and points of view... Just about everyone that I have spoken with agrees that I am not being selfish - except for 2 people - but am being realistic. I just have to decide if I really want to have a child with her "for the right reasons..." As much as i am hurting inside and dying without her, I have to stick to my decision. I am going NC (as best I can) so I can clear my head and let the dust settle. I have learned that the worst time to make a decision is when you are emotionally drained. So since I don't know what to do I will "do nothing!"
Lil1 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Sometimes the best way to show someone you truly love them is by letting them go and live the life they want even though it does not include you. I don't think that you are being selfish and the fact that you have been honest with her and with yourself from the start says a lot about your integrity. Having a child IS a huge decision. I think it would be selfish of you if you actually decided to have a baby with her only to keep her close to you. You know what they say, it's always darkest right before dawn. Things will get worse in terms of the heartbreak you are experiencing but in time you will be alright again. My heart goes out to you OP, it's so hard to have to say goodbye to the love of your life when the reason is not lack of love or miscommunication, just circumstances in life which necessitate a separation. I hope your heart heals soon.
Recommended Posts