njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Hi! Ok, so I have been on 5 dates with this new guy. Been seeing him about a month now. So, at the beginning he had been chasing me a bit... asked me out a lot but I was busy and not that interested and I just broke up with someone after 6 years. I finally said I'd go out with him ( I was worried he'd still be a jerk like 10 yrs ago also!) We've had 5 amazing dates... great convo and laughs, nice dinners etc. He acts VERY interested in me while we are out... body language, very touchy and affectionate, sweet, gentleman etc. Never silence in the convo.. He seems like someone I can really get along with well. So, here's my issue... we slept together after the 3rd date (i know, i know soon. I slept over and it was amazing sex and the next morning he was cuddly with me etc. Didn't contact me for 2 days or so after and didn't ask me out again for another 2 weeks after.. Felt like he withdrew a bit. then, on the 4th date, he asked me out for a drink (didn't go to his place). 5th date, dinner/drinks/movie... slept together. We had the most amazing date but then we had sex. He was not able to "finish" me and I"m not sure if this upset him or what! But... after the sex (it was 2:30am) He seemed to want me to go home . He has insomnia bad and mentioned he cant sleep with any women he has dated and the last gf was "crazy" and that was the last woman to sleep over etc... I should have taken the hint and gone home, but instead, I decided to stay! All night, he tossed and turned and was up till 6am!! I tried to cuddle a few times and NOTHING .. he didn't budge! So cold. Didn't touch me, not once, in the bed!!!! I felt so hurt by this. Then, i told him I'd go home so he could sleep and I felt bad and he said "it's not you, I just can't sleep ever etc." Next morning, he seemed to make an excuse for me to have to go early in the morning and barely kissed me goodbye (small peck) and said "I'll talk to ya." When I got home, I was confused so I texted him" Thank you. i had a nice time. I hope I didn't overstay my welcome. Maybe it's too soon to sleep over." His reply was "No worries. My sleep is a night mare and not to mention the last woman to sleep over was my crazy ex so it makes this more difficult." I'm not sure what to make of this. I'm so confused by this...he also mentioned that his bro and friends recently wanted to spend the night and he made them leave in middle of night bc he had to go to bed and couldnt sleep with them there. I'm wondering if I should just wait and see, or say something further about this issue? Did I say or do something to scare him off? I Didn't mention anything at all about US or our future or feelings etc... Was he pissed that I didn't "finish" after his efforts that night? Did I invade his space? Is he just using me for sex? I'm so depressed over it bc I'm new to dating again after a bad breakup and I am worried about being hurt. Thanks. I really do like this guy (when he's not cold like that!)
Jynxx Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I think his behaviour is pretty standard. He wanted to sleep, he has trouble sleeping so he suggests you go home. He doesn't object when you decide to stay, he gets cold and unreactive towards you because he doesn't want to have sex again and lose more sleep because of it. It's not rocket science.
Lovelybird Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 How do you feel when he sent you home at 2:00 am?
Lovelybird Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I think his behaviour is pretty standard. He wanted to sleep, he has trouble sleeping so he suggests you go home. He doesn't object when you decide to stay, he gets cold and unreactive towards you because he doesn't want to have sex again and lose more sleep because of it. It's not rocket science. It is pretty cold and uncaring and convenient, and jerk-like behavior, IMO
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Should I just wait and see, or ask him about it? I'm really hoping he says something about his odd behavior...was i used?!
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 He didn't send me home at 2am... He said it was up to me whether or not to stay etc. I don't think i would have been upset if he was honest and said that he'd prefer me to leave at that point, since he needed to get sleep. It was the fact that he told me I could stay but then was so cold all night. and why just a cold peck good bye?
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 True.. I guess a peck is always a bit "cold." But it was a peck on lips
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 well his lips were tense. didnt feel like a genuinely sweet kiss goodbye after such a nice date.
sm1tten Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Seriously, he wanted to sleep and sexy time was over. He basically told you to leave, you just chose to stay because he wasn't direct. Had he been direct, this thread would be "what an *******, kicking me out at 2am." I have a difficult time sleeping in a bed next to someone new, and actually so does my new boyfriend. The first couple of times no one really slept, and no one was interested in cuddling, either. If anything I'd be worried about the fact that he keeps bringing up his "crazy" ex. But for now, just wait and see.
Jynxx Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 It is pretty cold and uncaring and convenient, and jerk-like behavior, IMO Why? What is he supposed to do? Have long makeout sessions aka foreplay with her and then leave her alone and try to get some sleep? It just doesn't work that way. Kick her out even after she ignores the hint? Maybe, but that seems more convenient and jerkish to me than what he did. If he didn't do the "right" thing, then at least he was in the ballpark.
Art_Critic Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Sorry to say but he hit it and quit it... The guy isn't for you.. he is only using you to relieve himself..
bolase Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 in my opinion, hes a d***. Trouble sleeping..so what, isn;t that part of the deal, getting to have sex with someone?! You don't want a guy who thinks that sex goes - sleeplessness/restlessness or not - without spending the night with you, the person they JUST HAD SEX with. Just my opinion.. good luck.
Els Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Eh... I dunno. Doesn't seem to be a very smart guy to me. Yeah, sure, at that point (2am, just had sex at his place) there's nothing to be done about it. But if this was an ongoing trouble he has had all his life, surely he would actually think, "Okay, if I have sex with a girl, she will want to sleep over. What then?", and come up with solutions prior to that. Such as maybe not having sex until he is able to sleep with the girl first, or maybe having sex at her place so that he can get up and go home after instead of having to kick her out? And explaining all this before having sex so that it doesn't seem like he's using her? So many options...
zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I don't know if he's a jerk or just a weirdo, but either way, I'd never see such a man again. I'm not fanatical about making a guy spend the night/staying the night if we have sex (though every single BF I've ever had has been considerate enough to ask me if it's okay if he didn't stay/I didn't stay BEFORE we had sex if there were some issue, like a super early morning, or reason not to, and I think that's the way to approach it, guys, and even add in the "Are you sure?" if she says it's okay for good measure---and really mean it), but the first few times, it's kind of expected. But the bigger red flag to me is that he didn't call you right away the day after you had sex the first time and that he waited another two weeks to set up another date. A guy who's really into you will reassure you after sex and set up something new right away, in my experience. It sounds like he's just keeping you around because he hasn't found anything he likes better. . . maybe "crazy ex" issues or maybe something else.
Els Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 But the bigger red flag to me is that he didn't call you right away the day after you had sex the first time and that he waited another two weeks to set up another date. A guy who's really into you will reassure you after sex and set up something new right away, in my experience. It sounds like he's just keeping you around because he hasn't found anything he likes better. . . maybe "crazy ex" issues or maybe something else. Oh, geez, I missed that. Yeah, that's just horrible. I can't imagine how that feels like. IMO many women should wait til a proper relationship is established before having sex, to spare themselves from heartaches like these.
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Well, the sex was great and there have been many convos about sexual things from him, which he initiates on fb or text etc etc.... I mean, I enjoy chatting that way also. It's fun and flirty. We have had nice nights together just talking about regular things, as well, though. Ugh, maybe he is a jerk? Maybe he doesn't really care to get to know me. I don't know. But my question is, why does it always have to be a guessing game at what a guy is thinking? Why aren't the women "allowed" to come right out and ask what is up without the guy thinking they are super serious etc? At this point, what do I do? If all he wants is some fun/sex, I might even be ok with that, being I just got out of a relatioship, but why not just be up front? Do you think he got "weird" bc he was not able to "please" me after trying so hard and long? What do I do from here? Thanks
zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Well, the sex was great and there have been many convos about sexual things from him, which he initiates on fb or text etc etc.... I mean, I enjoy chatting that way also. It's fun and flirty. We have had nice nights together just talking about regular things, as well, though. Ugh, maybe he is a jerk? Maybe he doesn't really care to get to know me. I don't know. But my question is, why does it always have to be a guessing game at what a guy is thinking? Why aren't the women "allowed" to come right out and ask what is up without the guy thinking they are super serious etc? At this point, what do I do? If all he wants is some fun/sex, I might even be ok with that, being I just got out of a relatioship, but why not just be up front? Do you think he got "weird" bc he was not able to "please" me after trying so hard and long? What do I do from here? Thanks I don't think it is always a guessing game. In fact, I think that's a very sure sign that something isn't right---with one of you at least. It kind of depends on age a bit (I definitely felt that way when I was very young and new at relationships in general, and I don't think it was the guys but just, I needed to feel comfortable asserting myself as a person), but mostly, if a guy is in a healthy emotional place and really digs a girl and wants a relationship with her, he will be fairly transparent. And so will she if she feels the same and is in the same place. There will still be some butterflies and an "Oh, he didn't send me a cute text today---that's weird!" or "She didn't kiss me when I picked her up this time but she did last time, ugh!" here and again on both sides, but it will be smooth, mostly, and they'll be fun little bumps, not major head-wringers. If I want to know what my BF is thinking, I DO ask him. And I've done that since the very beginning. Of course needing to know what someone else is thinking ALL the time is a sign of insecurity, but if he does something weird, I just ask, "Why did you do that?" (in a non-accusatory way) and he tells me. Much more fun in the long run.
Lovelybird Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 IMO don't do anything, when he calls you, don't answer unless he comes up with a decent date. but the best is to totally dump him
RickyTaylor Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 So in my school of thought, and i don't want to be rude with you i think is tired of you... for me and most of guys i know when we fall in love or when we like a girl we want her the most possible time ever. When a guy avoid a company of a girl is just because he simple don't want to have more time with her. just get other guy and let he alone
Yookie Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Ok so you slept over after the third date and he was cuddly in the morning. Was he able to sleep then? Why did he suddenly get insomnia on the second sleep over.
Author njruns75 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Well, how can i ever trust a guy is sincerely wanting to get to know me and acting sweet on dates bc he is interested in ME and not just sex? This guy contacts me often and sends me random texts about what he's doing etc. Also i want to mention that I dated him 10 years ago and he blew me off after a month back then!! We were both 25 then... He joked about it when we recently reconnected.. well he said he was very sorry he was a dick to me back then, and that he is MUCH better and different 10 yrs later. Also, his last gf lived with him (first woman to live with him ever) and she was only 23. She had him arrestd bc she claims he pushed her down and she hit her head! He offered up this story on the first date to me! He said he spent many times in court but it was dismissed and that she was crazy and drunk and fell down herself! I know, this might be a red flag too. But what if it's TRUE and this is why he is freaking out about another girlfriend? As a woman, I tend to side with this woman's story but ya never know... he had traumatic court troubles and spent $30k on her.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Well, how can i ever trust a guy is sincerely wanting to get to know me and acting sweet on dates bc he is interested in ME and not just sex? This guy contacts me often and sends me random texts about what he's doing etc. Also i want to mention that I dated him 10 years ago and he blew me off after a month back then!! We were both 25 then... He joked about it when we recently reconnected.. well he said he was very sorry he was a dick to me back then, and that he is MUCH better and different 10 yrs later. Also, his last gf lived with him (first woman to live with him ever) and she was only 23. She had him arrestd bc she claims he pushed her down and she hit her head! He offered up this story on the first date to me! He said he spent many times in court but it was dismissed and that she was crazy and drunk and fell down herself! I know, this might be a red flag too. But what if it's TRUE and this is why he is freaking out about another girlfriend? As a woman, I tend to side with this woman's story but ya never know... he had traumatic court troubles and spent $30k on her. This guy is practically wearing a tuxedo of Red Flagdom. Start the "how can you know" with not sleeping with guys who: *Bring up an ex on the first date, especially to tell you that she was "crazy" and had him brought up on charges. *Already blew you off 10 years ago. If you're worried a guy is just trying to sleep with you but you're not sure, the easiest way to sort it out is just not sleep with him. Wait and see. Date #3 is super early in most cases, in terms of knowing the person, though clearly this man showed you his crazy on Date #1 and you didn't flinch. If I'd heard that story, I'd politely finish my dinner, pay for my part, and get the heck outta there.
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