zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 First Off: I have been in a new relationship for a few months now with an awesome guy. How The Issue Started It was a little awkward at first because he actually works with (kinda for, though he doesn't report to or have to worry about being reviewed by) my ex (the last guy who was great for eight months and then yo-yo-ed me around and decided he'd never loved me, no he loved me, no he didn't within a few weeks), though they aren't friends and I didn't meet him through anyone connected to my ex. Any way, basically the only reason I'm still in any contact with the ex is a few friends and that it'd be awkward what with going to events associated with his (because it's also the new BF's) work and co-workers around town, it would be awkward. He asked if he could add me back on FB because I'd previously said (during our breakup) that I could perhaps be friends once I was dating someone new and over it, and I said, "Sure" because I didn't care at the time. This was about a month ago. Why Facebook Sucks This weekend, he changed his relationship status and is now in a relationship with a friend of a friend of his (I've met her). I had no idea he was even seeing her, or when it started, and I felt totally blindsided and was surprised that I was hurt since (a) It's been almost six months, and (b) I've seriously dated two guys since, including the current BF who really is 1000x better for me than the last guy. We mesh better, the sex is better, he's cuter, he's younger, we have more similar goals, I feel more secure, he's warmer and more loving. . . So I don't know what my deal is. *By the way, my FB doesn't list my relationship. I would actually kind of like it to, but I am still hoping my BF will someday get the clue and send me a request. I've never had a guy do that, and I really would like it (I've always asked in the past). I kind of wonder if this isn't what bothers me more. . . but I'm not sure. I know my BF would be fine with me sending a request, but he's actually really affectionate on FB (he writes me little cutesy notes and stuff on my Wall, which I really like and haven't had before) so I'm thinking he will eventually bring it up. My Question I really didn't think I'd feel sad at all that my exBF was dating someone. I was surprised that it hit me. I haven't seen my BF or really spoken to him since I found out since he's out of town, so I'm wondering if it will all go away as soon as I see him again and remember how great I have it. . . Part of it is that the woman he's dating has three kids, and one of my favorite things about my ex was how much he wanted to be a father/what a great father he'd make. So, I find imagining him with her kids makes me more jealous than imagining him with her! But I guess what I'm really worried about is that my feeling this way subconsciously means my new relationship has something wrong. . . I'm not like near tears, just kind of knot-in-my-stomach-bummed. Thoughts?
vsmini Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I can see where you're coming from. I'm in an excellent relationship and the other day I got wind about my ex (we ended on very bad terms 12 months ago) and all these emotions came up and I felt really guilty for not being totally indifferent to him. But then I realized it was natural - didn't change my feelings for the guy I'm with now, it made me appreciate him even more. Also - I say NO to FB. I think that site gives us too much access to people's personal lives and 9 times out of 10 it causes drama. It isn't natural to know everyone's business 24 hours a day. Get off FB or at the very lease -defriend the ex and anybody associated with him.
Imajerk17 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You just got hit with very big news and the chemicals are still coursing through your bloodstream (emotions). Wait and see how you feel in a week.
counterman Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 It is weird how we get these feelings, hey? I understand how it feels. I saw my ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend, who was my friend, and I had a tinge of jealously and remembered some of the good times. Even though my heart did feel that way, in my mind I knew that my life was currently a lot better (when I was single) than it was when I was in the relationship. My heart had felt this a few times now and each time it is less and less. You have a wonderful boyfriend at the moment, so I'll say just go on as if there wasn't that feeling there. Facebook does suck. My friends who are in relationships say they don't want to change their status to "in a relationships with" because it'll be weird when they break up. Personally, I don't mind either way. If I were in a relationship, it wouldn't be sending a relationship request, not because I don't want to or anything, just don't mind either way. However, like you said, if I knew it'll make her happy, I would.
Emilia Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 No, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with your current relationship. It just means that there are still tinges of the old conflicts that you had with your ex. I have an old ex I don't particularly like as a person anymore (usually the other way around, usually rate my exes pretty high) but I never try to get in touch on facebook because I don't want to see whom he is dating. I met a much cooler, loving and smarter guy after we dated and I was in love with this guy too but because my ex and I had unpleasant conflicts and he upset me, I suppose if I saw evidence of his private life it would remind me of that. I don't want to be reminded how he made me feel about myself I think. That's the bottom line.
Els Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I think it's relatively normal, as long as it's mild. I mean, you shared your life with this guy for a period of time. Even though you have no feelings left for him, it doesn't mean that there won't be -some- emotion when you hear of him being with another, especially if she is providing something that was missing in your prior relationship. I'm sorry, I know the last statement sounded snarky, but I can think of no other way to say it. I felt exactly the same, when my ex-ex bf (4 years ago! We almost never talk and I almost never think about him) got together with someone. There was that little twinge, although it was gone the next day. And I am with someone much, much better now too. Chill!
EasyHeart Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I'll take a slightly contrarian view. When I've moved on and am dating someone else, my exes never cause me any emotional reaction. If I hear about them having a new BF or getting married I either (1) genuinely feel happy for them (if it was a 'good' breakup) or (2) laugh and feel sorry for the poor sap (if it was a 'bad' breakup). But I don't feel any pain or anxiety or any other emotion. It's kind of like hearing an ex-coworker got a new job: "Oh really? That's interesting. Good luck!" BUT. . . when I've got some unresolved issues or didn't get closure with an ex or if I'm rebounding and just THINK I'm over someone, then I get the kind of reaction that you describe. If I'm totally honest with myself (which is still rare, but it's more likely now than in the past), I can usually find some reason for the feelings, most likely that I don't feel that I ever got closure on the relationship and still want her to feel miserable and lonely for having broken up with me. That doesn't necessarily mean I want to be with her or that there's anything wrong with my current partner, but there's definitely something wrong with me and how I've processed things. Emotions are a signal of what your unconscious mind is really dealing with. We use our rational mind to suppress a lot of unpleasant things, but suppressing them doesn't make them go away. Something is amiss here, but only you can figure out exactly what it is. Oh, and Facebook sucks. My rule (after much drama) is that I don't FB any potential dates. I have a FB for family and longtime friends, and another for work, but dates are not 'friends'. I occasionally get some pushback like "What's wrong with you? What are you hiding?", but I think that's just a way to weed out the psychos and insecure women before I waste any time dating them. It also avoids any 'friend vs girlfriend' issues, since I'm very direct in saying, "I think of you as a potential girlfriend, not a friend, so no Facebook for you!"
Author zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 You just got hit with very big news and the chemicals are still coursing through your bloodstream (emotions). Wait and see how you feel in a week. Interesting thought on the chemicals. I also hadn't worked out since I'd seen the news, though I do work out most days (and right after seeing it, indulged in some crap food). I wonder if part of it is the combination of not working out + starting new BC again for the new relationship + not seeing the BF lately, etc. I almost wish he'd gotten the new GF before I started birth control again because the estrogen does make me a bit nutty and it really might just be that. But you never know. . . Also - I say NO to FB. I think that site gives us too much access to people's personal lives and 9 times out of 10 it causes drama. It isn't natural to know everyone's business 24 hours a day. Get off FB or at the very lease -defriend the ex and anybody associated with him. I have to be on FB because I have friends abroad and it's how we stay in touch. I wouldn't have re-added the ex if he hadn't asked me in front of the new BF and all our mutual friends. I feel like if I delete him, it'll be "a thing" so I've just hidden his feed now. Facebook does suck. My friends who are in relationships say they don't want to change their status to "in a relationships with" because it'll be weird when they break up. This is the mindset that makes me wish a guy would send me a request. To me, publicly declaring the relationship that way is kind of like saying you aren't thinking this at all. I don't want the guy I adore thinking he could ever do without me. I guess I'm kind of a sap like that. No, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with your current relationship. It just means that there are still tinges of the old conflicts that you had with your ex. . . . I don't want to be reminded how he made me feel about myself I think. That's the bottom line. I think this is part of it. While he was a very good BF for 8 months, his sudden change to "I never loved you" (not "This isn't working" or "We have issues" or anything which would be totally true and while sad, understandable) really shook me. The whole "I thought I loved you but I didn't" thing really drives me crazy, because it makes everything we shared a big fat lie and humiliation to me. But that's apparently what my ex does to everyone, and he even took that back ("No, I really did love you") so I really should get over it. I think it's the humiliation factor that I am still not over more than the guy, particularly exacerbated with still having some of the same social circle. I really didn't mean to start dating one of his co-workers, but there are only so many companies in town that employ nerdy guys, I guess. I'll take a slightly contrarian view. When I've moved on and am dating someone else, my exes never cause me any emotional reaction. If I hear about them having a new BF or getting married I either (1) genuinely feel happy for them (if it was a 'good' breakup) or (2) laugh and feel sorry for the poor sap (if it was a 'bad' breakup). But I don't feel any pain or anxiety or any other emotion. It's kind of like hearing an ex-coworker got a new job: "Oh really? That's interesting. Good luck. I've normally always felt similarly. Which is what had me worried. I've never felt this way before. Oh, and Facebook sucks. My rule (after much drama) is that I don't FB any potential dates. I have a FB for family and longtime friends, and another for work, but dates are not 'friends'. I occasionally get some pushback like "What's wrong with you? What are you hiding?", but I think that's just a way to weed out the psychos and insecure women before I waste any time dating them. It also avoids any 'friend vs girlfriend' issues, since I'm very direct in saying, "I think of you as a potential girlfriend, not a friend, so no Facebook for you!" I don't FB a date either until I'm in a relationship with them either, with the exception being guys who were friends first and my last ex because we met when I was still abroad and used it to stay in touch. But almost never when I'm just dating, as it leads to deleting people later. However, I would find it very odd (particularly at my age -- mid20s) to refuse a SO on FB and would never get into a relationship with a guy who had a Facebook and wouldn't add me to his friends even after we were in a committed LTR.
sm1tten Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I can relate to how you are feeling. I was with someone for a few years and it ended... we stayed friendly for a long while but slowly drifted apart. He contacted me to tell me that he was getting married and is soon to be a father, and it stung. I couldn't figure out why, as we have been apart for about 3 years now, and I have had long term relationships since then. It came to me that the reason was because two of the major conflicts in our relationship were about marriage and kids. Not to threadjack with too many details, but these were basically the breaking points and I think it bothered me that he was able to work through them with someone else. (And it also felt like he was rubbing it in my face.) It took me less than a day to let it go. I processed it and realised that my feelings towards him had not changed and that I was still much more interested in moving forward than backward... and that was pretty much that.
Author zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Derp! Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't do this already, although I guess there might be more politics involved because of the whole work thing. And because of the work thing, I'm sure she would have found out eventually. I did defriend him when we first broke up. He refriended me when we got back together (very short) and I never accepted. It was hanging out there till last month when he asked me at a work+family/dates BBQ. This is a big company/department, so it's not like he works directly with my new BF, but he has actively gotten to know him since. It's actually a little odd. But this exBF was like determined to be friends with me during every stage of the breakup. I've no idea why, as I don't think he's still "into" me or anything. All very odd. But if I defriend him on FB, he'll start asking people why I did. FB is pretty big with all my friends----they'll write me there instead of calling or texting because we all have phones that can check it, even if they're running late or making plans or something, so it's not like I can "limit" FB the way some of you do without compromising my social relationships in general. I just go with the flow in that respect. I can relate to how you are feeling. I was with someone for a few years and it ended... we stayed friendly for a long while but slowly drifted apart. He contacted me to tell me that he was getting married and is soon to be a father, and it stung. I couldn't figure out why, as we have been apart for about 3 years now, and I have had long term relationships since then. It came to me that the reason was because two of the major conflicts in our relationship were about marriage and kids. Not to threadjack with too many details, but these were basically the breaking points and I think it bothered me that he was able to work through them with someone else. (And it also felt like he was rubbing it in my face.) It took me less than a day to let it go. I processed it and realised that my feelings towards him had not changed and that I was still much more interested in moving forward than backward... and that was pretty much that. Yes, it's funny because I don't know anything about his new relationship (I know the girl kinda) and I have no idea how serious it will even be. So, it's not like he's gone "farther" with her than he did with me and that bothers me. It's more like. . . I'm kind of bothered he seems to have found someone so different from me (and someone I honestly cannot respect; having one child accidentally with a bad man, I get, but having three kids with a deadbeat babydaddy who never marries you. . . I just don't understand, I'm sorry; that's not common in our social circle, even though she seems like a nice person and I'm sure is much more than that if you actually get to know her since I have other friends who seem happy they're together). Again, it goes back to the humiliation factor, I guess. I've never been dumped the way he dumped me with the "I never loved you" and just ending it without trying to work out the issues. Even though he came back later and I dumped him the second time, that still stings. I could never date him again though. But I guess he made me doubt myself, and that's the issue. Edited July 18, 2011 by zengirl
dispatch3d Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Was waiting for an issue to develop. I think you need more serious relationship problems or something, you must be bored. I don't know. I still can't figure out what's wrong here. You just like, found something to complain about. Anyhow, good luck!
Author zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Was waiting for an issue to develop. I think you need more serious relationship problems or something, you must be bored. I don't know. I still can't figure out what's wrong here. You just like, found something to complain about. Anyhow, good luck! To me, inner dissonance is a pretty big issue, but maybe I'm weird. I'd take a few obvious, external problems any day over just weird feeling of dissonance I cannot begin to figure out how to conquer.
EasyHeart Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 If you ever start freaking out because your boyfriend is on vacation in Europe and he might cheat on you, while in the meantime you are making hot chocolate dates with attractive male 'friends', THEN we'll know that you are just looking for things to worry about. Until then, you're normal. At least relatively. . . .
Author zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 If you ever start freaking out because your boyfriend is on vacation in Europe and he might cheat on you, while in the meantime you are making hot chocolate dates with attractive male 'friends', THEN we'll know that you are just looking for things to worry about. Until then, you're normal. At least relatively. . . . Yeah, that's definitely not me. I think I'll feel better once my BF gets back. I feel like it's cheating to even feel bad my ex has a new GF so I definitely won't make any hot chocolate dates!
carhill Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 But I guess what I'm really worried about is that my feeling this way subconsciously means my new relationship has something wrong. . . I'm not like near tears, just kind of knot-in-my-stomach-bummed. Thoughts? If the emotion appears long-lived and immune to distraction or dispersion, then I think the dynamic merits further analysis. However, if the emotion itself was relatively short-lived, but analysis started immediately and perpetuated the feeling due to the process, then the outcome/prognosis is less clear IMO. I recall the first time I saw a strange man wandering in my old house. It was about two weeks before we were legally divorced, though I didn't know when that date would happen at the time. I got that knot in my stomach for the period it took me to leave the items on the porch and get back into the car. Then, I started asking myself why I was feeling that way. That's when the MC kicked in and I laughed at the absurdity of it all and the knot went away, never to return. Unlike yourself, I didn't have the validation of a relationship and someone 'wanting' me; I was all alone, still dealing with the emotions from my mother's death the month prior. But, still, the lessons of MC paid off. The moment got processed and was over. I put it into perspective and moved on. Very different from similar experiences prior to MC. IMO, there's nothing 'wrong' with your current R. Your feelings gave you some good information about life. Process them and incorporate the lessons into that R and make it better. Visualize that.
Author zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 If the emotion appears long-lived and immune to distraction or dispersion, then I think the dynamic merits further analysis. However, if the emotion itself was relatively short-lived, but analysis started immediately and perpetuated the feeling due to the process, then the outcome/prognosis is less clear IMO. The emotion itself is mostly gone, I think, though the analysis remains. I think what made it worse was that as soon as I felt a little bit "sad" about it, I started feeling guilty because I have a new BF and it felt both hypocritical towards the ex and like cheating towards the BF. IMO, there's nothing 'wrong' with your current R. Your feelings gave you some good information about life. Process them and incorporate the lessons into that R and make it better. Visualize that. Thanks for sharing your story. That helped put things into perspective. And I will take your advice here.
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