Dox Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Am I the only one who gets frustrated when their GF talks about their ex or just even mention their name?
Casablanca Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Nope, I mention my ex's from time to time...there are a couple ex's that have had a profound effect on my life and a lot of good memories with, so they get brought up from time to time...it is just a mention, not like im raving about them
David Cain Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Am I the only one who gets frustrated when their GF talks about their ex or just even mention their name? There's a reason why she's talking about them. I don't think it's hard for you to know why.
carhill Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 OP, imagine someone who had been married 20+ years and got divorced. Most of their significant life experiences were with one person. They share such experiences, both good and bad, and that person's name will come up. It's a signpost. What I look for is emotional neutrality. Recitation versus intonation. History is an important part of a person's life. Our memories are important to us. When your girlfriend(s) talk about their exes, what are they talking about? For example, I might share a story about an interesting trip my exW and I took, mentioning people we met or sights we saw. We both went, so I mention her as my travel companion, but the focus is on the experience. Obviously, personal stuff went on during those experiences, stuff pertinent to only the two of us, but that's not the focus of the story for the listener. It's a travel story. How does it go for you?
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) My ex used to talk about his exes a lot. Even kept their pictures on his Facebook page. It annoyed me to no end, until I learned to tune out whenever he brought them up haha! I also noticed that whenever I started talking about my one and only ex before him, he seemed clench-his-jaw upset too. Never understood why he couldn't get it in his head that if he hated hearing about my ex then I must really hate it too! Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. If she respects your opinion and stops, you know you've got a keeper. If she takes it against you and thinks that you're being "silly" and "unreasonable," then at least you know where you stand with her. Some people think that acquiescing to your partner's request to do something like erasing their exes' photos or ceasing to talk about them is tantamount to losing their independence or individuality, while some others think that it's something you do to let your partner know that you respect him/her, as well as your relationship. Edited July 18, 2011 by gothowitz
Buck Turgidson Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 OP, imagine someone who had been married 20+ years and got divorced. Most of their significant life experiences were with one person. They share such experiences, both good and bad, and that person's name will come up. It's a signpost. What I look for is emotional neutrality. Recitation versus intonation. A person who is emotionally neutral about someone they shared an intimate relationship with for 20+ years is a sociopath, or is intoning only what they know you want to hear.
carhill Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 A person who is emotionally neutral about someone they shared an intimate relationship with for 20+ years is a sociopath, or is intoning only what they know you want to hear. Provide an example from your life. I wish to understand better. I've been married and divorced and know how it works for us. The same with my exW who had been married twice before.
Jynxx Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I absolutely hate it. He's her ex, I don't care and don't want to know anything about him. And most girls can't stop it even after you ask. Also makes me sick to think she'll be talking about me with the next guy.
Casablanca Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 My ex used to talk about his exes a lot. Even kept their pictures on his Facebook page. It annoyed me to no end, until I learned to tune out whenever he brought them up haha! I also noticed that whenever I started talking about my one and only ex before him, he seemed clench-his-jaw upset too. Never understood why he couldn't get it in his head that if he hated hearing about my ex then I must really hate it too! I had a girlfriend like you...I have pictures posted of a couple exs and myself...they are memories and the past, and nothing more and I refused to remove them...just like if I ever dated someone who didnt like me having female friends, never gonna ditch my friends. Now there is a difference between telling a story about you and an ex (like carhill was talking about) and talking about an ex as if you're still in love with them and think they are the cat's meow
gothowitz Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I had a girlfriend like you...I have pictures posted of a couple exs and myself...they are memories and the past, and nothing more and I refused to remove them...just like if I ever dated someone who didnt like me having female friends, never gonna ditch my friends. Now there is a difference between telling a story about you and an ex (like carhill was talking about) and talking about an ex as if you're still in love with them and think they are the cat's meow Never asked my boyfriend, nor would I ever ask a future one, to ditch friends. I just think that memories and the past have their place elsewhere.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Why would she not mention him if he was important, especially if they lived together or were together long term, no-one should have to pretend their ex didn't exist. I'm friends with my ex and my partner is friends with his too, it would be petty to just cut all ties if we still value their f/ship. Me and my partner will stay friends too if we don't make it as partners. Seriously, don't make a big deal out of your gf mentioning her ex. Am I the only one who gets frustrated when their GF talks about their ex or just even mention their name?
FinOuch Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Personally, unless it was constant or bitter emotionally charged rants...nope. Talking about exes allow you to get some insight to the person you're involved with - their history, their feelings, their viewpoints, and where they are at emotionally. It also shows that they're comfortable opening up to you. To me...talking about anything that is or was part of another person's life helps you to understand them better.
Buck Turgidson Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Provide an example from your life. I wish to understand better. I've been married and divorced and know how it works for us. The same with my exW who had been married twice before. And you and your ex-wife are completely neutral about each other and the people you've been married to? I find that hard to believe and, indeed, sad, unless the time passed is many, many years. I would consider the ability to utterly disconnect from your past with no emotional residue whatsoever extremely disturbing. Like you said--- the past makes us who we are. If someone I were dating told me that they were completely emotionally disconnected from 20+ years of it, then I would wonder if they had any emotions at all. If you want an example from my life, then I can't say that I'm emotionally neutral about any ex. Some of them I feel a nostalgic fondness for; some I'm still close to as friends; others I'm disgusted by; still others I hate intensely. But utter neutrality? If I were neutral about them now, then they mustn't have been terribly important to me then.
RickyTaylor Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 No dude... i think that happens with all men here. Its like comparing us with the old numb dude.. we are always better that the ex... always
OliveOyl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 If you want an example from my life, then I can't say that I'm emotionally neutral about any ex. Some of them I feel a nostalgic fondness for; some I'm still close to as friends; others I'm disgusted by; still others I hate intensely. But utter neutrality? If I were neutral about them now, then they mustn't have been terribly important to me then. And maybe that's why they are an ex...
k100danny Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I think it depends on the context of the conversation. I mean my girlfriend has mentioned her ex before when we have been chatting and getting to know each other but that didnt bother me one bit. If she was saying i saw (insert ex's name) today and we had a long chat ect and she seems to be happy then thats a different story.
iris219 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 And you and your ex-wife are completely neutral about each other and the people you've been married to? I find that hard to believe and, indeed, sad, unless the time passed is many, many years. I would consider the ability to utterly disconnect from your past with no emotional residue whatsoever extremely disturbing. Like you said--- the past makes us who we are. If someone I were dating told me that they were completely emotionally disconnected from 20+ years of it, then I would wonder if they had any emotions at all. If you want an example from my life, then I can't say that I'm emotionally neutral about any ex. Some of them I feel a nostalgic fondness for; some I'm still close to as friends; others I'm disgusted by; still others I hate intensely. But utter neutrality? If I were neutral about them now, then they mustn't have been terribly important to me then. I think it's possible to feel emotionally neutral when it comes to an ex. I have exes I don't feel any anger towards. I wish them the best, but really, I don't feel anything for them. We aren't friends, but we could be friendly. I don't feel concerned about them in the way I do my actual friends, because, well, they aren't my friends. In fact, I rarely think about them. They’re a step below friend and a step above stranger. I think that's pretty emotionally neutral. I lived with someone for 4 years and I can't say I'm completely emotionally neutral because I still care for him as if he were my brother, but he's the exception among my exes. I wish him so much happiness. He is such a good person who deserves it, so I feel a lot of respect and compassion for him, but romantically, I don't feel anything. OP, unless you're dating a former nun, there will be exes and they will be mentioned. Who cares? It's the past, but it helped create the person who you now care for. You should have some appreciation for her past.
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) An interesting shift is an even more neutral emotional state about a past love interest who impacted my life for nearly a generation. It just occurred to me as I was reading the responses to this thread that I hadn't even thought of her in over a year; not even one minor 'oh'. What a change from the twenty years of every day thinking. I credit MC for teaching how to process the emotions to a neutral state. I recall the other day, after my best friend and his wife had dinner at my exW's house and met her long-time BF, that bmf and I were talking about said BF and I was complimenting him to my bmf about his skill and artistry (he's a mason) from pictures I've seen of his work. Not one thought about him fµcking my exW or the timeline of how they came to be. Amazing. No bitterness at all. I recall the same dynamic when meeting her second exH many years ago. Perhaps she inspires men not to care, IDK. ETA, for informational purposes, my exW and I have been 'split up' for two years and divorced for about ten months. Her boyfriend has been living with her for about a year, AFAIK. I guess the path is different for each of us. Hope the OP takes away something of assistance. Edited July 19, 2011 by carhill
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