Awful Revenge Cheat

[liongirl30]

There's a lot of backstory to this but I'll try to abbreviate as much as possible. I don't know what to do or how to fix things as I made them so much worse.

 

I have been with my fiance for two years. He truly is the love of my life. After being in several bad, abusive relationships I sometimes can't believe my luck in finding him. I have major insecurity, trust and abandonment issues due to a rough childhood, and then the men that I chose to be in relationships with were basically a continuation of a cycle of abuse. After the last one I was single for three years and determined to change myself in order to be in a healthy relationship.

 

I met my now fiance and it was immediate chemistry. We both felt like we had known each other forever after just a few days. We both deeply love each other. That's with this is all so screwed up.

 

My boyfriend had, for years, been having a sexual relationship with a much older woman. There was alot of drinking involved in his friendships, which didn't help. He is so shy that it seems to have been a relationship of convenience for him. For her, I think it was an ego boost from being in a bad marriage with a cheating husband. I knew from the first time I met her that there was something up with her. She acted very jealous, almost as though he belonged to her. I finally asked him about it after six months into our relationship and he admitted that yes he had been sleeping with her, and it had happened a couple times after we were together. I had noticed that he would seem to be pushing me away and now I realize that this was from guilt. I thought I had forgiven him, but I think I just stuffed it because as time has gone on, my hurt and anger has been coming out more. It has affected how I feel about myself. I have a hard time trusting him even though he has been so great about telling me where he's going, who he's with, and even called and told her that he couldn't be around her anymore.

 

Two days ago I was drinking with one of his male acquantainces and he told me that I shouldn't trust my fiance, that alot of things go on that I wouldn't want to know about. This triggered all of the old crap that had been brewing under the surface. When he made an advance on me, kissed me, I allowed it. It literally is kind of a blur because I was drunk but I found some clarity before any sex occurred and I told him to leave.

 

Yesterday I told my fiance what I had done. While I now believe that this "friend" of his was attempting to take advantage of the situation to get me to sleep with him, I take complete responsibility for what happened. It's my job to protect my loved ones, not hurt them. I had told him that I was over what he had done, but it is apparent to me now that I'm not.

 

I had to tell him about it because he was honest with me about what he had done. I also kind of feel like that was a turning point for me and if I didn't get it out in the open there was no way of changing the situation. Who knows what I would do the next time I started feeling that way?

 

My fiance is so hurt. My heart aches for him. I am aware that what I did was awful. The imaginary revenge scenario that I had been holding onto didn't prepare me for the reality of it, or the look on his face. He is now so closed off to me. I want to make it better but I don't know how.

 

And this is the absolute truth: I literally do not want anyone else sexually. Since I have been with him I have no desire to even look at any other guys. That may seem unbelievable but it's true. I also believe my fiance when he told me that he would never hurt me like that again.

 

What do I do now? I want to learn how to let go of what my fiance did so we can be happy again. I want to help him to get over what I did. It has become very clear to me that I have issues that I need to work through and this has now become more about my own problems than what he did. I subsconsciously couldn't let go of the cheating that he did.

 

I believe that we both want to work on it. I can't imagine being without him. I dont' want to punish him forever because everyone makes mistakes.

 

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Edited July 18, 2011 by liongirl30
spelling

[Ginger Beer]

There's a lot of backstory to this but I'll try to abbreviate as much as possible. I don't know what to do or how to fix things as I made them so much worse.

 

I have been with my fiance for two years. He truly is the love of my life. After being in several bad, abusive relationships I sometimes can't believe my luck in finding him. I have major insecurity, trust and abandonment issues due to a rough childhood, and then the men that I chose to be in relationships with were basically a continuation of a cycle of abuse. After the last one I was single for three years and determined to change myself in order to be in a healthy relationship.

 

I met my now fiance and it was immediate chemistry. We both felt like we had known each other forever after just a few days. We both deeply love each other. That's with this is all so screwed up.

 

My boyfriend had, for years, been having a sexual relationship with a much older woman. There was alot of drinking involved in his friendships, which didn't help. He is so shy that it seems to have been a relationship of convenience for him. For her, I think it was an ego boost from being in a bad marriage with a cheating husband. I knew from the first time I met her that there was something up with her. She acted very jealous, almost as though he belonged to her. I finally asked him about it after six months into our relationship and he admitted that yes he had been sleeping with her, and it had happened a couple times after we were together. I had noticed that he would seem to be pushing me away and now I realize that this was from guilt. I thought I had forgiven him, but I think I just stuffed it because as time has gone on, my hurt and anger has been coming out more. It has affected how I feel about myself. I have a hard time trusting him even though he has been so great about telling me where he's going, who he's with, and even called and told her that he couldn't be around her anymore.

 

Two days ago I was drinking with one of his male acquantainces and he told me that I shouldn't trust my fiance, that alot of things go on that I wouldn't want to know about. This triggered all of the old crap that had been brewing under the surface. When he made an advance on me, kissed me, I allowed it. It literally is kind of a blur because I was drunk but I found some clarity before any sex occurred and I told him to leave.

 

Yesterday I told my fiance what I had done. While I now believe that this "friend" of his was attempting to take advantage of the situation to get me to sleep with him, I take complete responsibility for what happened. It's my job to protect my loved ones, not hurt them. I had told him that I was over what he had done, but it is apparent to me now that I'm not.

 

I had to tell him about it because he was honest with me about what he had done. I also kind of feel like that was a turning point for me and if I didn't get it out in the open there was no way of changing the situation. Who knows what I would do the next time I started feeling that way?

 

My fiance is so hurt. My heart aches for him. I am aware that what I did was awful. The imaginary revenge scenario that I had been holding onto didn't prepare me for the reality of it, or the look on his face. He is now so closed off to me. I want to make it better but I don't know how.

 

And this is the absolute truth: I literally do not want anyone else sexually. Since I have been with him I have no desire to even look at any other guys. That may seem unbelievable but it's true. I also believe my fiance when he told me that he would never hurt me like that again.

 

What do I do now? I want to learn how to let go of what my fiance did so we can be happy again. I want to help him to get over what I did. It has become very clear to me that I have issues that I need to work through and this has now become more about my own problems than what he did. I subsconsciously couldn't let go of the cheating that he did.

 

I believe that we both want to work on it. I can't imagine being without him. I dont' want to punish him forever because everyone makes mistakes.

 

Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

How did this situation come about?

[liongirl30]

I had a small group of people over at our house. Everyone else had already left. I have been around this same guy countless times and he has never tried anything with me before. In fact, has told me before that he likes me because I'm like "one of the guys."

[jnj express]

Hey liongirl---are you blaming the alcohol, for being so gullible, that you would listen to this scumbag's lies about your fiance, and not check them out, ---are you also blaming alcohol for kissing the guy----if so, don't on both counts-----you wanted to kiss the guy, otherwise it would have NEVER happened, no matter what------so dig way down deep, and find out why you wanted to kiss this guy---there is some reason---what were you thinking about, while this guy lied to you, and tried to seduce you----you knew what was going down---what were you thinking as you allowed it all to happen?????

[Chi townD]

I truely feel that you and your guy need to go to couples counseling. If you have any chance to save this. You were hurt by him and now, he's been hurt by you. You two really need to sit down with a professional and get to the root of the problem as to why you guy's keep hurting each other.

[liongirl30]

Hey liongirl---are you blaming the alcohol, for being so gullible, that you would listen to this scumbag's lies about your fiance, and not check them out, ---are you also blaming alcohol for kissing the guy----if so, don't on both counts-----you wanted to kiss the guy, otherwise it would have NEVER happened, no matter what------so dig way down deep, and find out why you wanted to kiss this guy---there is some reason---what were you thinking about, while this guy lied to you, and tried to seduce you----you knew what was going down---what were you thinking as you allowed it all to happen?????

 

I'm not blaming the alcohol for anything, I assure you. I have read other stories like that where people say "i was drunk, I was drunk" and I think that's a poor excuse. I only included the event that led up to it for the sake of honesty about everything that happened. I also really did not want to kiss that guy. At least, not in the most obvious sense. I don't find him attractive, never have. Not in the least.

 

There is nothing that anyone can say that is going to take away what I did or make me less guilty. That wasn't the intention of my post. I have to work on my own problems that led up to this. I guess I'm seeking help trying to find a way to make my fiance okay again, whether he's with me or without me.

 

As far as what I was thinking when it happened? It wasn't a completely clear thought, more of an emotion, but if I could assign words to it, they would be that I was thinking it didn't matter if I did it, because my fiance did it to me. Trust me, I know that it matters.

[sm1tten]

I agree with the suggestion to try counseling. Your willingness to allow this other person to play on your insecurities and try to initiate something means that your relationship is not healthy at its core. The only way to move forward is for both of you to put your hurt, betrayed feelings, and et cetera behind you and truly commit to working on the relationship together. You/he may not actually be able. But I don't think this is something you should attempt alone.

[liongirl30]

I truely feel that you and your guy need to go to couples counseling. If you have any chance to save this. You were hurt by him and now, he's been hurt by you. You two really need to sit down with a professional and get to the root of the problem as to why you guy's keep hurting each other.

 

I spoke to him this morning on his way to work. He called me and we talked for a little bit. I told him that I think I should see someone to get to work on my own personal problems. I asked him if he would be interested in seeing someone together as well, and he said he didn't think so. This is a guy that doesn't ever go to the doctor for anything, so that may be why.

 

I will keep trying though, and hopefully do it in the right way so that I'm not being pushy. He is hurting right now so I know that I need to be careful to not make this all about me.

 

ChitownD, thanks so much for your compassionate and helpful suggestion.

[liongirl30]

I agree with the suggestion to try counseling. Your willingness to allow this other person to play on your insecurities and try to initiate something means that your relationship is not healthy at its core. The only way to move forward is for both of you to put your hurt, betrayed feelings, and et cetera behind you and truly commit to working on the relationship together. You/he may not actually be able. But I don't think this is something you should attempt alone.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this statement. It got me thinking back before I had found out about my fiance's cheating. I would have shut that guy down immediately with no qualms. Now I'm always in a state of doubt, thinking "why am I being loyal" and "who am I being loyal to?" I feel like I don't know him anymore. I think his cheating really rocked my world because before I was with my fiance I thought very much in terms of black and white. In my mind, if you love someone you don't cheat on or betray them. I experienced cheating from ex's and I know that they didn't really love me. I have been completely confused because my fiance did this and I really feel that he loves me, but the old part of me still thinks "how could he love me if he did that?" It's got me worn down.

 

I do think counseling is in order. Even if it can't work out with both of us, I need to figure things out. This is too much to delve into on my own.

[Memphis Raines]

 

My fiance is so hurt. My heart aches for him. I am aware that what I did was awful. The imaginary revenge scenario that I had been holding onto didn't prepare me for the reality of it, or the look on his face. He is now so closed off to me. I want to make it better but I don't know how.

 

so let me get this straight. He cheats on you for YEARS, but he will close himself off to you because you got kissed by a so-called friend?

 

wow, talk about a pissy little hypocrite.

 

I bet you anything he uses this as an excuse to go out and cheat some more.

 

the cheater playing the wounded party now (not that your behavior is to be condoned)

 

 

And this is the absolute truth: I literally do not want anyone else sexually. Since I have been with him I have no desire to even look at any other guys.

 

oh come on now, you don't have to lie to us. You notice other guys and you know it. you just might not break your neck to look at them.

 

but thats not the issue, but just thought I'd give my 2 cents there.

 

 

I believe that we both want to work on it. I can't imagine being without him. I dont' want to punish him forever because everyone makes mistakes.

 

cheating isn't a mistake, much less doing it over, and over, and over again for years. it was a desired choice on his part, not a mistake.

 

maybe you need to sit down with him and show him that anything he felt because of this kiss, was thrown down 3-fold on you for his years of cheating, which my guess was much more than kissing.

 

he needs to realize how he made you feel all this time and if you both truly want to move past it, then you can. he can't sit here now and hold this over your head. he is the prime offender here.

[liongirl30]

so let me get this straight. He cheats on you for YEARS, but he will close himself off to you because you got kissed by a so-called friend?

 

wow, talk about a pissy little hypocrite.

 

I bet you anything he uses this as an excuse to go out and cheat some more.

 

the cheater playing the wounded party now (not that your behavior is to be condoned)

 

 

 

 

oh come on now, you don't have to lie to us. You notice other guys and you know it. you just might not break your neck to look at them.

 

but thats not the issue, but just thought I'd give my 2 cents there.

 

 

 

 

cheating isn't a mistake, much less doing it over, and over, and over again for years. it was a desired choice on his part, not a mistake.

 

maybe you need to sit down with him and show him that anything he felt because of this kiss, was thrown down 3-fold on you for his years of cheating, which my guess was much more than kissing.

 

he needs to realize how he made you feel all this time and if you both truly want to move past it, then you can. he can't sit here now and hold this over your head. he is the prime offender here.

 

Sorry, I may not have explained the situation with him and the cheating as clearly as I thought.

 

He wasn't cheating on me for years. He had an ongoing sexual relationship with the woman before he met me, and it continued partway into our relationship (twice). I found out that it had happened six months in. The last time occurred about three months before I wrestled a confession out of him.

 

As far as the not looking thing at other guys thing, like I said, it's completely true. Sure, I notice and acknowledge if someone is attractive, but it's more like a bland observation than anything else. But maybe that's what you meant? I don't completely understand why I don't have that drive to look, I know it's normal to look, I just don't. I never really have when I've been in relationships and it's gotten less so as I've gotten older. That doesn't make me a great person or anything, maybe it just makes me strange...I don't know? I think it's weird myself.

Edited July 18, 2011 by liongirl30
Forgot something

[Space Ritual]

IMHO you will be lucky to see the altar. I think the well is poisoned in this relationship. Most likely because you had so long to digest it and move past it(IMHO a huge mistake as you should have broken up with him when he confessed to you).

 

So now you find yourself in this conundrum. Hate to tell you, but my guess is that you will be single again fairly soon...

 

and get yourself some new friends....

[David Cain]

Just leave him if the two of you are going to keep cheating on each other.

[Memphis Raines]

Sorry, I may not have explained the situation with him and the cheating as clearly as I thought.

 

He wasn't cheating on me for years. He had an ongoing sexual relationship with the woman before he met me, and it continued partway into our relationship (twice).

 

ok, so he was cheating on you, twice in fact, when you were a couple.

 

doesn't change what I said.

[liongirl30]

ok, so he was cheating on you, twice in fact, when you were a couple.

 

doesn't change what I said.

 

He actually told me yesterday that he feels like this is his fault. For me, I dont think that what he did per se is the issue of what's keeping my anger alive. If I sit and assess the situation, it has alot to do with the fact that this woman hasn't been fully put in the past, as she would if she were some random.

 

We live in a smallish town where everybody knows each other, but me. I moved here two years ago, but my fiance grew up here. The woman my fiance cheated with and her husband are literally pushing 60 but are still very much involved in the drinking scene, hanging out with my fiance's friends (as they did for years before I was in the picture). Not all of my fiance's friends are major drinkers, but those who don't drink as much still have interactions with those that do. The guys all go hunting, fishing, camping together, etc.

 

For a long time after my fiance cheated he avoided the friends that were more associated with this woman, and the places that they frequent. He hates confrontation and this woman thrives on drama. Lately, he has become more brave and has been with these friends and has been running into this woman more and more, not avoiding her regular hangouts. I don't think he is going there deliberately. He always tells me when he sees her. I have never been with him on any of these occassions.

 

I can't stand hearing her name. Everytime I know that she's been around him I wonder if she tries to talk with him, etc. When we first got together she was constantly trying to poison his mind against me, even though she knows nothing about me. I know for sure I can't trust her. Her still being in the picture, even in this small fashion just makes the cheating remain fresh in my mind.

[Space Ritual]

He actually told me yesterday that he feels like this is his fault. For me, I dont think that what he did per se is the issue of what's keeping my anger alive. If I sit and assess the situation, it has alot to do with the fact that this woman hasn't been fully put in the past, as she would if she were some random.

 

We live in a smallish town where everybody knows each other, but me. I moved here two years ago, but my fiance grew up here. The woman my fiance cheated with and her husband are literally pushing 60 but are still very much involved in the drinking scene, hanging out with my fiance's friends (as they did for years before I was in the picture). Not all of my fiance's friends are major drinkers, but those who don't drink as much still have interactions with those that do. The guys all go hunting, fishing, camping together, etc.

 

For a long time after my fiance cheated he avoided the friends that were more associated with this woman, and the places that they frequent. He hates confrontation and this woman thrives on drama. Lately, he has become more brave and has been with these friends and has been running into this woman more and more, not avoiding her regular hangouts. I don't think he is going there deliberately. He always tells me when he sees her. I have never been with him on any of these occassions.

 

I can't stand hearing her name. Everytime I know that she's been around him I wonder if she tries to talk with him, etc. When we first got together she was constantly trying to poison his mind against me, even though she knows nothing about me. I know for sure I can't trust her. Her still being in the picture, even in this small fashion just makes the cheating remain fresh in my mind.

 

You cannot control the actions of anyone else but your own...and your blameshifting indicates your relationship will soon see its last sunrise...

 

at any rate, please get some individual counseling of some sort so you can explore why you would did what you did. You could have done a myriad of other things, but revenge cheating was the easy way out....and that is ALL on you....

[liongirl30]

You cannot control the actions of anyone else but your own...and your blameshifting indicates your relationship will soon see its last sunrise...QUOTE]

 

I don't know how were able to glean blameshifting from my post. The quote that you used from me was my response to Memphis Raines. Memphis thoughts seem to be that what he did was worse. I merely stated that my fiance feels the same way. I never said that I agreed with that. So, are you reading all of the posts? Or are you picking and choosing words here and there and formulating your responses based on preconceived notions?

 

I feel that what I did was wrong. What my fiance did was wrong. I'm beginning to realize that my other mistake was not communicating to him fully what it would take to protect our relationship from the start of when he betrayed me first. I lied to him and to myself about being over it. Stuffing things instead of getting them out into the open was poisonous.

 

I don't mean to jump on you; I didn't expect every response to be candy coated and full of rainbows. Cheating is deplorable, and many people have been hurt by it, so I expected readers to feel strongly. However, I am fully aware of how I feel about the situation. And how I feel does not entail wanting to hurt and demean my fiance, nor does it involve wanting to place blame. We both screwed up big time. The question for me now, is how to go about fixing it. Or not.

[liongirl30]

I am seeing alot of this:

 

You cannot control the actions of anyone else but your own...and your blameshifting indicates your relationship will soon see its last sunrise....

 

And more of this:

 

but revenge cheating was the easy way out....and that is ALL on you....

 

But This:

 

You could have done a myriad of other things

 

Is really what I'm looking for! That is the intention of my post. I'm trying to find out where I went wrong in the interim between his infidelity and mine. Why not expound upon the "myriad of other things?" Obviously, I didn't and still don't know what those other things were. That would be most useful to me. If you're concerned about my own personal guilt and blame, well, you needn't be, because it's there. And, if you have more information for me, please let me know, I'm all ears. And I'm not being sarcastic. I truly would like to know, and feel this info is necessary. As I said, that's why I'm here, to gain the kind of knowledge that other people seem to have gained from experiences like this.

[Space Ritual]

Well lets see...

 

You could have broken up with your fiance

You could have 180'd him in an effort to improve yourself

You could have sought counseling

You could have done anything but cheat 2 years later

Regardless, all of the above are choices....even doing NOTHING is a choice.

 

A betrayed becoming a wayward is generally even worse since you already knew the heartache you experienced when you were cheated on, yet you made a conscious decision to visit that upon him right back. As you have obviously discovered, revenge cheating only hurts you.....because you threw away the high road you had probably aspired to be on, according to the first part of your original post.

 

 

Alcohol seems to play a large role in your relationship. You said Booze was huge part of your fiance's affair. and also was a contributing factor in your incident I suggest you stop drinking. I only say that because I myself am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict (10+ years clean and sober) and I detect a hint of liquor problems. Liquor + unresolved resentment does not bode well..

 

Regardless of whether your relationship continues or not, I urge you to seek some type of therapy.

 

Best of Luck

[jnj express]

I think your BF, needs to come down from his high horse, and you need to figure out where you wanna be

 

You aren't letting his cheating go---and believe me it is very hard to let go----but you stayed in the relationship, so you should have shut the other guy down immediately, the minute he started trash talking, if fact you should have told him adios

 

If the 2 of you are going to get back together your BF---has to go NC, with his "grandma lover"----I dunno how old you guys are, but if he is still messing with a married 60 yr old woman, I would ask you WHY

 

As has been stated above---both of you need to cut back on the booze----is that all there is to your lives is going out drinking---can't you guys find anything else to do?????????

[Purelogic]

the only reason he is hurt is because he thinks you did it justs to spite him.

 

i mean he confessed and not to long after this........personally if it was me

i would start to wonder maybe yo were cheating on e all the time as well

then i would feel less bad about cheating on you..but thats just me.

 

the only real down side to this is you just los all moral high ground you had on him...you will never be able to throw his cheating in his face ever..

EVER and thats really hard not to do.

 

PS hes not a hypocrite unless he broke up with you him feeling bad is not him being a hypocrite