Sugarkane Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 So why do I still feel like this? You name I've probably done it. Because my therapist is only working part time, I can only see her max once a month. I really don't know if its working at all. Or else why am I still here? The last session ended so horribly I didn't want to go back. I feel like she just cracks it at me. That doesn't help me at all. I've read just about every breakup book written. I was taking meds but they have side effects and make me ill. I exercise and do everything else right. So what else is there?
Author Sugarkane Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I've tried dating others, but #1 treated me with no respect. Making the same mistakes again. #2 I'm ambivalent about. He had to go back home interstate. Wants me to move in with him, but we weren't together long and I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. It goes around and around in circles, never gets resolved.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 The first thing you should actively do is look for you a new counselor. The one you currently have is obviously not working for you. Given what you've been through you definitely need to see someone more than once a month. I had to do the same. I was with a counselor, while a nice lady, wasn't really working out for me, as I was not making any progress or even healing. I switched and in the three sessions since I've started with my new counselor, I've seen a vast improvement. Finding a good counselor is like finding a good pair of shoes. Sometimes you have to try out a few. I think with the dating situation you might just want to not stress too much over it. If these men aren't right for you, it's ok to opt out. It's been over a year for me since my breakup and I am just now getting back into the swing of things emotionally and wrapping my head around dating again. Most of all during this time you need to be patient with yourself and forgive yourself. This is your journey, and it's not always an easy one, but you are getting there slowly but surely.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 How do I go about looking for another counsellor? This one was referred to me by my doctor. How do I know if they're actually working at all? I feel like all this one does is yells at me.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I haven't been given any different advice by the counsellor to what I've been given here or by friends and family.
smudge21 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Have you tried bunjee jumping? I ask because I think what you need in your life is something totally new and exciting; something that really shows you what else is out there, beyond relationships. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Happiness comes from within, others just unlock it. You need to have that happiness there first, and right now, you're missing that. So you need to find it elsewhere. Try listing all the advice you've been given - post it up here and lets go through it all and see what we can work out. I'll post more once I've read that - I'm not going anywhere so I'll wait for your next post.
Karala Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I've read just about every breakup book written. I did too, and now I'm re-reading them but this time actually doing the exercises and taking their recommandations. It is making a world of difference
nlpman Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Heres a little procedure that is very helpful if you want to stop having negative emotions when you think about someone. Found it on the web: "Have you ever met someone that just took your breath away? Someone that you just knew you wanted to spend more time with? And have you ever thought about a person from the minute you wake up until the moment where you put your head on the pillow at night? But then, one day, maybe things change. And they’re no longer the person for you – something has changed and you know that they’re not the one for you… but you keep thinking about them. And instead of those moments of thinking about them being happy joyous moments they have become moments that leads to heartache or frustration. What if you could do something about that? What if you could take control of your thoughts and remove that unwanted infatuation? Well, the good news is that you can. You definitely can, and best of all it is something you can do yourself with a tiny bit of practice. Not long after I had started working with NLP I had a client session with a man in his mid 20’s. He had been in a loving relationship for several years and, all of a sudden, the relationship ended. There was no explanation given by his girlfriend, none at all. He was left questioning everything he had, and hadn’t done, and wondering why it had happened? But, worst of all, every time he thought of her the thought was closely followed by a horrible feeling of knowing that he could no longer be with her. This process that I am about to share is one of two processes that was all it took for him to totally forgive his ex-girlfriend and begin to move on with the rest of his life. So that when he thought about her he had only good and neutral feelings – that horrible feeling had totally disappeared and he had a tool, this tool, to tackle it should it ever return in regards to another person. You may not have thought about this before, but every time you think about something your mind will have an internal picture. If I were to ask you, “When you think about a car, do you have a picture?” and you were to fully consider it then the answer would have to be, “Yes”. And the interesting thing is that the picture would be in colour or black and white. The picture would be big or small. The picture would be framed or panoramic. You’d either be able to see the picture through your own eyes, or you would see yourself in the picture. The picture would be in a certain direction from you (Maybe to the left, or the right) and the picture would be close to you or far away. There may even be sounds or feelings that are important too. In Neuro-Linguistic Programming we call this picture an Internal Representation, or I/R. And all of these finer distinctions about an I/R are called Submodalities, or SMDs. And the interesting thing is that the Submodalities are what determine how you feel about the Internal Representation. So here is where it gets interesting. Let’s try a little exercise together. Is there someone that you can’t stop thinking about? Maybe an ex-lover, someone that was you trouble or an irritating ex-coworker. Have that person in your mind and go through the following exercise: How do you feel about that person right now, on a scale of 0 to 10? (Where 0 is absolutely fine and 10 is the most intense it has ever felt) Then ask yourself, “When I think about this person, do I have a picture?” And with that picture then ask yourself: Is the picture colour or black and white? Is the picture big or small? Is the picture framed or panoramic? Do you see the picture through your own eyes, or do you see yourself in the picture? Is the picture bright or dim? Is the picture near or far? What direction is the picture from you? Note: The faster you ask these questions the better as if you don’t move quickly enough the Internal Representation in your mind may change. Great, so now you have a list of the submodalities of the Internal Representation you have about that person. Now you know where you need to hold Internal Representations to think about a person in the way that you currently think about this person. The next step is to change the submodalities of this Internal Representation. Ask yourself again, “When I think about this person, do I have a picture?” and now, with that picture firmly in your mind, I want you to make some changes… Essentially you want to jumble up the submodalities until the feeling disappears. Start by turning it from colour to black and white (Or vica versa if it were black and white already). Then try making it really small, say the size of a match box, or really huge, say the size of a billboard – which one feels the most neutral? Then put a frame around it if isn’t framed already or otherwise take the frame away and see it panoramic. If you’ve been seeing yourself in the picture then see it through your own eyes, if you don’t see yourself in the picture then see yourself in the picture now. Play with the brightness, make it so bright it almost washes out as white, or so dark it almost washes out as black, and see what feels the most neutral for you. Finally try sliding the picture around so it is waaaaaaay away from you and behind you, or really close and to the left, or wherever you can think of until you find the spot where it feels most neutral. With those changes made I want you to lock those changes in there. You know the sound a padlock makes as it locks tightly shut? Yeh, that sound… Great, with hearing that sound just lock those changes firmly in there. How do you feel about that person right now, on a scale of 0 to 10? (Where 0 is absolutely fine and 10 is the most intense it has ever felt) Enjoy the result! So, there you have it. That is the basics of the process and that should be enough for you to successfully use this process with yourself. There are a few things to be aware of when you use a process like this. The first is Ecology. It is important that you only make these changes if it is in your best interest to do so. For example, if someone is hurting you then it is appropriate for you to feel unpleasant – those feelings serve as the drive for you to keep yourself safe around that person. So in that situation it would be inappropriate to use this process. While if someone is no longer in your life and you still think about them (Such as an ex-lover or an ex-neighbour) then this process could be very useful. Secondly, there are many, many submodalities to be aware of and I have just listed a few of the more common submodalities. It is normal for one or two submodalities in particular to make the biggest difference as to how you feel about an Internal Representation (The ones that make the difference are called ‘drivers’ in NLP jargon) so if the list I’ve provided doesn’t include the submodality for you then the change won’t be as profound or noticable. " There are a lot of NLP procedures that are very very effective during relationship problems, Im going to put them all (with instructions) in a big post on here 1 day, hopefully they will be useful. Ive used a few on myself in the last couple of months, its not magic, but the results can make it seem as though it is ! Another really good technique to feel better is to sit down and relax, allow yourself to experience the negative feelings or pain and give it marks out of 1 - 10 with 10 being the most severe and 1 ok. The next part of the procedure requires that you imagine you have moved backwards out of your body and you are now looking at yourself(at your own back).Some people need a few minutes practice to achieve this, in NLP its called being disassociated. As you view yourself from behind, visualize what the negative feeling looks like in your body, what colour, shape, sound, position in your body, and if its moving. Keep watching it and allow it to change into whatever it chooses, you will find that it will change in some way you can easily notice it as it changes until it settles into a new stable form. Now have a quick break(important) then check how you feel 1 - 10 as before. If you are happier now, success....if not repeat the process until the internal representation of your emotion has changed into a form which allows you to feel better. This technique is based on "working with the glyph" from the book "magic in practice medical NLP" and what you are doing is working on parts of yourself that are usually below your awareness(the only way you are aware of them is by the feelings they produce) where your emotional states are formed , at the level of awareness prior to linguistic representations being formed from neurological events. Congrats!! you just reprogrammed your own brain. Jeff
Karala Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Which ones are you reading? I wrote a whole review here
Sebstian Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Sugarkane, I feel sorry for your situation. It's so hard I know. Just know one thing: all of this has nothing to do with your ex. It's all about you and issues you have with yourself, being rejected, being alone etc. What you must do is work on you and not put faith in other people managing your happiness. Of course we need other people in our lives, but we must also be able to maintain some level of happiness on our own. So you don't get around having to deal with fixing your own happiness. I don't know any miracle cures, but it is done by taking a lot of small but right choices. Running today will not make today much different from yesterday. But running four times a week for three months will make a huge difference to the state you're in today. Go on a date with some random guy will probably not fix anything today. But go on dates with twenty different guys should at least keep you entertained while significantly increasing your odds of finding out what you are really looking for. People always say that time heals... But that inaccurate. It's just the medium in which you go through different phases. But you must go through them yourself. You heal you! Good luck love! // Seb
Author Sugarkane Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I'm honestly tempted to break NC. All my other breakups made sense but this one. I've tried everything else.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 I was going to a shrink but it hasn't helped at all. What to do?
bikinibeach Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 time. Also distractions . And having faith that you'll overcome this. If you need more time, take it without judging yourself. Everyone heals at a different rate. Hugz
Nohbody Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Have you tried a change of scene? Take a vacation, go on a singles cruise, go see friends out of town. We are strongly influenced by our environment, so break out of the familiar.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Have you tried a change of scene? Take a vacation, go on a singles cruise, go see friends out of town. We are strongly influenced by our environment, so break out of the familiar. Thats probably the only thing I haven't tried yet. I'm trying to look for another job. Long story short my supervisor doesn't like me personally, even though I'm one of her best workers, so gives me no work. I mean I've been seeing this shrink for so long, even after 1 year later I still want revenge. I feel like seeing her was a waste of money.
WTRanger Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 So why do I still feel like this? You name I've probably done it. Because my therapist is only working part time, I can only see her max once a month. I really don't know if its working at all. Or else why am I still here? The last session ended so horribly I didn't want to go back. I feel like she just cracks it at me. That doesn't help me at all. I've read just about every breakup book written. I was taking meds but they have side effects and make me ill. I exercise and do everything else right. So what else is there? It sounds as if you are wanting some outside source to be the key. When in reality, you are the key. Those outside sources, meds, therapists, hobbies, vacations, etc, all show you the door but they will not open it. None of that stuff worked because you refuse to let go of the situation. That's why you still want revenge. You refuse to let go of the anger. You refuse to accept it for what it is and what it was. You are not at the point to where you can look in the mirror and go, "My ex may be an ass, but I'm at peace with what happened. I do not hold his being an ass against him. I will no longer relive every aspect of the relationship and break up of every second of every day. There are no more questions to be answered. I am simply at peace with it, and I will let it go. I will stop dwelling on the past."
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