He wants to start off by talking and just go very slow.

[byzkingkong]

First of all, English is not my first language so there are some grammar and spelling mistakes please understand.

 

I've been lurking LS for about a month. Now I muster up courage to share my story and get some help.

 

But I don't know where to start. And I know this is going to be a long story. Sorry about my long story.

 

 

 

My stbxh and I have separated for over 4mths. It's coming 5th in 10days.

We have been 9yrs together and married for 7years and with no kids.

 

 

 

During the days we had low contact. He did the contact mostly and I told him not to contact me. But he supports me financially so we can't fully go on NC.

 

 

 

 

In any event, he didn't leave me for another woman but my violent and nasty behaviours.

 

Yes, I did hit him out of my frustration. I know it was horrible of me doing that to him. But when he is upset or something he doesn't like the moment he says things so nastily to me that I couldn't even talk back to him. I was never a swearer girl before I met him.

 

Things he used to said is "F*cking C*nt, I will cut your head off and shove it up to your as* or shut that sh*t hole in your face like that. He tends to swear a lot towards me and in the conversations whenever he was upset at me.

 

I know I am not saying I was doing the right things but I couldn't endure the verbal abuse.

 

First time I heard that kind of swear words out of his mouth I was totally shocked and I cried a lot. As I mentioned the above English is not my mother tongue so I didn't know many bad words. But you know when you heard those words more and more you get used to it. And when I cried and he said I was putting on a show. It really hurt me. I wasn't crying to control him I was just so sad so tears just bursted out in my eyes.

 

So I tired very very hard not to cry when he made me upset even though I was sad then became very nasty and stubborn to show him that I am strong so I even hit him in the face.

 

I did that once and twice now it bacame to my habit like. I hit him intentionally to show him that I can not be bent. I am so remorseful now. I should have endured even that frustrated the hell out of me.

 

 

 

 

I don't want to be that nasty nor stubborn again to anybody.

Of course not hitting as well. I did all that intentionally to hurt him so it is not my nature habit. So I can fix.

 

 

He left me after we had a big fight on the Christmas. We both were fighting physically and verbally. I guess it was the last straw for him.

 

I was also tired dealing with him after that day but I never wanted our marriage to be over.

 

Then he said he wanted to stay with his friend's house to work out at the gym where is 30 mins away from our house by subway. He had to take the subway in the very early morning like at 5am or so but there wasn't that early subway. That was the reason he left the house for the first time. When it was one or so month later since he left to his buddy's house suddenly he texted me that he was no longer interested in keeping our relationship due to my abuse and dysfunction behaviours.

 

I was floored and didn't know what to do. But I did not beg him nor cry.

Because I was also had enough of his verbal abuse and putting on a big show in public that he is only one generous and understanding every situations. I really hated that about him always giving me the "what's the big deal" attitude in front of people that made me look I was only one always complained.

 

 

 

 

 

So about 3weeks later he came back to pack a bit of his stuff and said final comment that he found out a place to move out.

 

I was absolutely devastated but I couldn't hold him but just cry.

And I wasn't given much time to explain myself. He just said what he wanted to say to me and left on the day of our 7th anniversary.

 

I let him be about 5days like that and I called him then he said wasn't comfortable talking to me and even said don't email him with a very callous tone of voice. So I didn't contact him at all.

 

 

He emailed me about 1 week or so later that he wanted to pick some of his stuff in 2wks so I told him I packed all of his stuff so he can just pick and go. And I never heard about him coming to get his stuff for about a month.

 

Then started to contact me that he wanted me to help him to order books from internet bookstore even though the offline bookstore is a lot more close from his house than mine and bike sunglasses and some medication for his legs. What I saw it from his email that he wanted to see me and wanted to checking upon me what I was doing. Because I didn't once contact him ever since he told me not to very coldly. And the stuff if I ordered would come to my house then how can he get the stuff without me handing them to him? Yet, he said he does't want to see me.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I ignored and he even texted me it is no big deal if I don't want to help him but a response would have been nice.

 

And I still ignored him. Then he even texted my sister where I was.

He rarely contacted my family members.

 

It still didn't work for him then he tried other way to approach me as giving lame excuse that he lost his keys to my apt.

 

So finally I had to contact him due to he wanted his stuff back.

 

I said will leave the keys to my mum before I go to Canada. I had to go to Canada for my profession for about 6days at the time of him contacting me.

 

And he said he can wait and he doesn't want my mum around him when he packs. I said there is nothing you pack because I packed everything. You can just pick them and go quickly.

 

 

About 2days later he emailed me again that he found the keys so asked me if he can come to my house to pick his stuff in person. I was like what the hell..

 

I said okay but he has to pick everything that I packed I don't want any of his stuff in my house anymore because he kept contacting me about his stuff. I wanted to be healed without him bothering me by contacting me.

 

And I didn't like him testing the waters by emailing me with lame excuese. I felt that he doesn't want to have me nor he wants me to have another man.

 

But you know the funny thing was that I found out later when I met him that most of his stuff is his clothes in my house but the thing is he lost his weight a lot before he even asked to pick his stuff so he can't even wear his old clothes as they are now too big for him.

 

He was used to be around 86Kg now down to 74kg. So you know what I am saying here.

 

 

He didn't need his old clothes at that time. But he came to my house after I let him and only took petty stuff of his and some of his suits but left the main baggage.

 

When I came back from Canada I was furious that he left his stuff behind.

 

So I emailed him not to contact me about anything not even his stuff because obviously he doesn't need that much so he left it behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then he emailed me like this..

 

It is not my intention to hurt you. I was not playing with you about the key or the money. I am sorry that I contacted you and that you think I am trying to hurt you even more.

 

I don't know anything right now. Some days are good and some days are bad.

 

I'm just writing this e-mail to let you know that I can be very blind and stupid about things. As for my stuff in the apartment. Maybe I just didn't want to take it as it made everything seem permanent.

 

Yes. It is not easy living in OOO. I spend more because I'm alone, and being home gives me too much time to think and I don't want to think about a lot of stuff.

 

I am only writing this letter to let you know that it wasn't some plan to just contact you to hurt you.

 

 

 

After that mail he didn't contact me but waited until his payday.

He said he can't give me the money he promised. Because his bill was way too much. I knew this was going to happen because he is a binge drinker. I just shook my head.

 

When he left me he promised me to suppport me financially until we proceed the divorce. I can't handle all cost within my salary.

 

 

 

Another thing now conjures up my memories is that he drinks way too much. He is a married man but he gose for a drink at leat 3 to 5 times a week with his single buddies and came home very late.

 

And if I complained about it then only he said was he deosn't harm me in any ways but he is a happy drunker and he never misses his work and he does his work. That was all he said and never want to admit that he binge drinks and that is not normal. So we argued a lot.

 

His mother was used to be an alocholic. So she had a divorce with his father.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we had a lot of issues for both alike and that led us to fight a lot.

 

And we couldn't have sex due to fights....

 

Now we are in this horrible situation.

 

 

It's been more than 4mths so I initiated to contact him and asked him to have dinner with me and talk.

 

But he said he wasn't ready but soon he will contact me. I said No problem.

 

About 4 days later he texted me that he wasn't sure if he is ready but if I like he can try but he doesn't want to hear about any new man story because that is my life so I should keep it with myself.

 

He wasn't ready to hear that whether I have another man.

 

But actually when he left me he said he was ready to send me to another man and let himself lose me.

 

So once I put my hand out to reach him to talk first thing he concerned was whether I have another man. That's why he wasn't sure to meet me.

 

Once I emailed him that there is no other man and I don't want to have any relationship right now.

 

Then he right away said let's have coffee and talk and said it will be good to see you again.

 

So we met and we talked and had coffee and even had lunch together.

 

When we had lunch he even called me babe by mistake but I didn't point that out because I didn't want to ruin the okay atmosphere.

 

And he asserted that he didn't leave me for another woman not even emotional affair. He said he is not interested in any relationship.

He wanted be by himself for a while.

 

He said when he left me that he is 41 so he is done no other woman will want him but I am beautiful and have a big heart and still young(I am 35) so I can find a good man and have a baby with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

but now he said he isn't ready to hear that I am in another relationship yet.

 

By the way, the meeting went well.

And he said he doesn't know if he wants to reconcile.

But he wants to start off by talking and just go slow.

And he doesn' want to divorce right away.

 

He doesn't even let me call him but just via email and text him.

 

 

During the separation he emailed me with many mixed signals.

 

But I ignored.. now I think I should have let him approach me when he emailed me with petty reasons.

 

 

Now I feel like once I start taking my step forward to him and he steps backward.

 

What can I do?

 

Do I continue this with him?

 

I do not want our marriage to be over.

 

I know there aren't some special guys to make me happily after for eternity.

 

And there is saying "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know."

 

My husband is not a bad guy. He can be hearty.

I still love him very much.

The important thing is he did not leave me for another woman....

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what he concerns about....

Before we met for coffee he emailed me about his feelings.

 

It's very frustrating when we communicate with each other. I think we are trying to be honest and sincere when we communicate with each other, but for some reason the other person perceives anger, vindictiveness, callousness, or an intent to shift blame on the other person. It's makes me so sad.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I didn't mean to say, I don't think about it. I probably should say, I might not be able to express my reasoning in a way that you don't perceive in a negative way. I think that when I am trying to organize my thoughts in a coherent fashion and then speak it comes across as very matter-of-fact, and that hurts you, and then I get my back-up against the wall because you then lash out at me and then I lash out out you and then we're stuck again in that nasty cycle of interaction that we are famous for.

 

I absolutely HATE that we couldn't/can't even talk to each other in a normal manner. We were/are always lashing out at each other. I couldn't take it anymore!

 

Don't read this as I am blaming you, I'm NOT blaming you. The way we spoke to each other and behaved towards each other and the things we said to each other and did to each is NOT NORMAL, its not what I want to be or am! I know one thing is that I'm a good person deep down. I know that about me, and I don't ever want to be in a violent situation again. I also know that you are good person, and that you have a big heart and you are kind and warm person. But for some reason, somewhere along the way we became cold, and dark, and nasty and extremely angry towards each other. It hurts to think about it, and it hurts to know that we abused each other physically and emotionally. I don't like that at all. I don't like that I swore and insulted you, and that you did that to me along with hitting me. It makes my physically sick to my stomach that I just want to erase all of from my memory.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you again, but something just switched off in me after our fight on Christmas Day. You hurt me so deeply and I was so very ashamed of what had become of us and me as human being. I just died inside that day. I tried to forget about it and chalk it up to just 'another' fight between us, but I couldn't do it. I really tried, but i just felt nothing but hurt and shame.

 

Again, I'm not blaming you, as I know I have hurt just as bad as I've been hurt by you. We just couldn't get out of that pattern of abuse and for me I was just slowly dying inside.

 

I don't know if this answers anything, but in a way I guess I'm writing because I need an outlet to express my thoughts as again, I'm not comfortable talking about this. Who can I speak to in OOO about the dissolution of my marriage? No one. You might be able to speak with your family about how you feel. I cannot talk to anyone about this. Do you think 'friends' in OOOO want to hear this kind of stuff --of course not, and it's personal and I don't talk about it to anyone. So, I'm not sure how I will react if you ask questions and I have to revisit our life together and I'm concerned I may not be able to maintain my composure in a public setting.

 

I hope you understand where I am coming from...

 

 

 

 

What do you guys think?

Is there any hope?

Edited July 18, 2011 by byzkingkong