shawn923 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I hate myself for this. I had been about a month strict NC with my ex, not talking, seeing, or looking at her facebook. She added me on fb, i didnt accept, then she sought me out. I eventually texted her back, and she ends up telling me she wanted me back, still loved me, and missed me, etc. She kept asking me how i felt, and after a few days i decided to be honest, and tell her i missed her too and thought we could hang out sometime. When i began mentioning reconciliation, it seemed she started distancing herself. The following week she said she had a 2nd job, and there was no time for a relationship. I pleaded because i was literally confused, you JUST told me all these wonderful things and u never came thru on it. She said she didnt feel the same. She said she no longer had feelings for me. I asked her why did u tell me all that wonderful stuff and gas my head up? She would never give me answer and would just say "leave me alone with this bull$hit". I told her one last time, if i walk away now and lose my feelings, they wont come back. She said she didnt care at all... Its almost as if as soon as i let her know that i missed her and wanted to be with her, she ditched me. Again... WTF. This is the 2nd time shes done this since breaking up. This happened before, when she moved on to another guy at my same college campus:mad:... She came to me and we met, she kissed me, (which is cheating on her bf) to be with me, and says she wants to be with me. The next day i asked for definitive action, she backs out... they have since broke up. So this is my 2nd time getting left to dry, after getting dumped in the first place. I feel she just wanted to know i still wanted her, then she no longer had a use for me... I really dont know what happened to her, she was so different back when we dated. i told her I dont even think you loved me during our relationship, maybe u just played me. Maybe thats why everything seemed too good to be true, because it was. She deceived me and i thought she loved me. I told her all this and she just kept saying "I dont give a ****" and using petty ways to try to blame it on me. I told her "Wow... You dont deserve anything else from me" and left it there... I just want your guys input on this situation. Im hurt now but not much... Wtf man why do i always fall for this? Im not afriad to move on either. I feel as soon as i find somebody new i can end this miserable chapter for good. But until i find someone new it seems like i cant fully detach from her And i really hate it. Us going to the same college, which means i'll HAVE to see her again starting in september, isnt helping . So maybe the loveshackers can help! Please;)
marqueemoon4 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 this girls games and indecision are really f-in with your mind man. so selfish of her to play you like that.. really man u just have to cut this cancer outof your life once and for all.
byzkingkong Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Oh god, she is hugely nasty. I really feel for you though I can't give much of useful experience but time will heal you. I know it sounds so cliche but it is true though. You can revenge yourself on her by dating a better girl than her but what is the point? Coz you are not going to be happy doing that. You might have whatchamacallit... oh.. Schadenfreude but after that you will have void in your heart. And it is not fair to the one who you date with. There is not much you can do you know that already. You have to forget about her and try to focus on you and once you clear your mind up then start to have another relationship. There are a lot of good girls. Hope you don't fall for any nasty woman ever again. Edited July 18, 2011 by byzkingkong
Author shawn923 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I hear you both... It just makes me think why would she do that? Deliberately tell me she wanted to be with me then backed out twice, making me look foolish because i exposed my feelings because i thought i was doing the right thing by being honest to her. Now i have nothing and she acts like she totally can care less. I just PRAY karma does it job and her next bf does the exact same thing to her. Then maybe she'll grow up about love. She's 20 and hasnt had her heart broken yet as far as i know. she said she did but it was puppy love. People like her will continue having these 3 month flings until she grows up. The worst part is that she may move on easily and find love with someone else... I just pray karma will balance out and bring me my princess charming, while SHE goes thru heartache elsewhere... I believe i did everything right in this relationship, i wasnt perfect but i was damn good. And i did everything and more to get her to stay and she deceived me. I cant take no more kiddy games and heartache, somethings gotta give.
Layzie89 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 What she did was indeed selfish but you shouldnt wish any bad upon her. Positive vibes. Be happy you made a mistake and learn from it. Stay strong buddy.
Author shawn923 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Layzie... Its not that i wish bad upon her, its just that it would make me sick to know she ended up moving on to a guy much better than me(not that they exist), looks better than me, more money, etc, and they go on to live happily ever after. I would feel like she got away with murder. I treated her as best i could and did all i could. Im simply saying i feel i deserve a good woman already, someone who can appreciate all I put out. My ex spat in my face, and did me clearly wrong on more than a few occasions. It wouldnt be just if she found her prince charming before i did . But i heard girls like her end up never finding happiness. They can never be satisfied. As i think about this right now, i really cant imagine any guy doing a better job as her bf then i was. I mean literally. I did pretty much everything I could possibly do and it wasnt enough. That alone begins to make me feel good. She'll hop from guy to guy and never find what she found in me... All guys arent as DUMB as i was, they wont bend over backwards and go great distances for somebody they "love". Knwoing all that, it would take a true "prince charming", who is young and naive, to fall for her bs...
radiodarcy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Layzie... Its not that i wish bad upon her, its just that it would make me sick to know she ended up moving on to a guy much better than me(not that they exist), looks better than me, more money, etc, and they go on to live happily ever after. I would feel like she got away with murder. I treated her as best i could and did all i could. Im simply saying i feel i deserve a good woman already, someone who can appreciate all I put out. My ex spat in my face, and did me clearly wrong on more than a few occasions. It wouldnt be just if she found her prince charming before i did . i know what you mean. my ex would always talk abut how hot and talented other girls are - - made me feel like total sh*t. the last thing i want to do is find out he's dating some bikini car model who enjoys all the same things he does; is a hell of a cook; loves babies and fluffy puppies; runs her own business and renders painting reminiscent of picasso. yeah -- his expectation run a bit on the high side
radiodarcy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 as for your original post shawn -- sorry you had to go through that. i think now you have all the evidence you need to see that this girl doesn't have your best interests in mind *at all*. chances are she needed an ego boost for whatever reason and knew she could go to you to get one. she has shown her true colors to you one time too many. just try your best not to fall prey to her selfish needs next time. because she'll continue to pull this game as long as you allow it. for me, if an ex tells me he misses me i'm like "so what?" what does that mean? what about me it is that you miss? and really it doesn't matter. because once the ex who claims to miss you gets their "fix" they're good. the don't need you again until they need their next fix.
Author shawn923 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 i know what you mean. my ex would always talk abut how hot and talented other girls are - - made me feel like total sh*t. the last thing i want to do is find out he's dating some bikini car model who enjoys all the same things he does; is a hell of a cook; loves babies and fluffy puppies; runs her own business and renders painting reminiscent of picasso. yeah -- his expectation run a bit on the high side The way i look at it is, there is no one on this earth that will love them the way i did.. Therefore they will always downgrade. And that will cause a void in their heart and eventually destroy all of their future relationships, because their not getting that wanted feeling that they got from us. I doubt any guy my age is equally stupid to make all the mistakes i did chasing the same girl. as for your original post shawn -- sorry you had to go through that. i think now you have all the evidence you need to see that this girl doesn't have your best interests in mind *at all*. chances are she needed an ego boost for whatever reason and knew she could go to you to get one. she has shown her true colors to you one time too many. just try your best not to fall prey to her selfish needs next time. because she'll continue to pull this game as long as you allow it. for me, if an ex tells me he misses me i'm like "so what?" what does that mean? what about me it is that you miss? and really it doesn't matter. because once the ex who claims to miss you gets their "fix" they're good. the don't need you again until they need their next fix. Thats pathetic why would she use me for a fix though? Ugh... It seriously makes me think she lied to me throughout our relationship. Now i feel stupid for getting deceived... it makes me pissed
radiodarcy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 she uses you as a fix because she knows she can count on you to make her feel needed and loved when she needs it. and you haven't failed to disappoint her on that level. she says i miss you, you say "i miss you too" and then she begs off; knowing that once again she has that power to dangle the bait and you'll jump. you said as much in your original post when you wrote: "I feel she just wanted to know i still wanted her, then she no longer had a use for me". unfortunately this is not a situation or a person you can afford to be honest with, she uses it against you as a way to make you feel better. it's all a power trip to her. of course it's pathetic. but what else do you expect from a person who treats the ones who love and care about her this way?
PelicanPete Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Don't try to focus on why she is acting this way, start focusing on how it makes you feel and adapt to it. Your ex is pretty much a hot grill, and for some reason you keep slapping your hand down on that grill thinking "I won't get burned this time, this time things are different!" Until you let both of your emotions die out you're always going to get hurt. Even if one of these times you end up getting back together, it's not going to work because nothing has changed. You haven't given her any reason to. She's always going to be that hot grill because you're fueling the flames. If it can hurt you, stay away from it. Simple primitive logic we all learned as children that you need to start applying to your ex. You'll get a wider view of what's going on if you give yourself some distance. You only see half the picture right now because once again you're right in the thick of things.
Tonkerponk Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Yeah bud, sounds like she needed and ego fix and came to you with it, and you obliged. The reason I say is that you didnt add her on FB, then she sought you out, and didnt back down from what she was saying until you showed her interest. She wasnt sure what was going on due to NC, and once you showed her how you felt, she lost interest. My advice, avoid her. Move on. You dont want someone like this. Think of it this way. After what she has done to you, if she came back and tried to reconcile, after doing this to you TWO TIMES, would you ever be able to truly let it go, after all of this crap? I wouldnt.
Author shawn923 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Yea i completely agree with you all. Unfortunately theres no one currently i can move on to. So its kinda rough trying to get over her when i have no other interests... maybe thats why i keep giving in to her. Im sure if i had another gf i wouldnt care what she was doing... Ugh. She was my first gf in like a 3 year drought, maybe thats why its so hard to let go.
Sebstian Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Wow what a bitch! I'm sorry for you, you didn't need this in your life. Clearly you need to move on from her as she's poison. "Feels like she gets away with murder".. haha I know exactly what that's like. You probably can't get back at her, but I would consider writing her a letter, to get all the things you feel like saying out of your system. How you loved her and wanted all the best for her, and how she treated you like dirt as a thank you. Don't worry she'll be dumped soon enough by some guy who didn't have a 3 year dry spell. No one gets through life without experiencing love sickness. What you need to do is get back on track and create your own happiness. I would advise you to check out the seduction forums or books as you clearly need some guidance to not allow 3 year dry spells. Getting girls has a lot to do with technique and experience. Just don't take in all the fake stuff they're teaching as it turns you into somebody you don't want to be, and the really great girls will see right through it and leave you with what's left. But you need to know the basics of how the game is played, i.e. opening, comfort, validation, kino, getting numbers etc. I don't use any of the manuscripted stuff, but I stick to the rules and every time some girl gets away I can always boil it down to having neglected some of the ground rules. Also hit the gym, visit a tanning salon a couple of times and do a little fashion study to make you look as sharp as possible. Good luck, and good thing you're not with her anymore. She don't deserve you.
slt2653 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Yea i completely agree with you all. Unfortunately theres no one currently i can move on to. So its kinda rough trying to get over her when i have no other interests... maybe thats why i keep giving in to her. Im sure if i had another gf i wouldnt care what she was doing... Ugh. She was my first gf in like a 3 year drought, maybe thats why its so hard to let go. Move on to yourself. Why do you need another girlfriend to move on to?
Author shawn923 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Wow what a bitch! I'm sorry for you, you didn't need this in your life. Clearly you need to move on from her as she's poison. "Feels like she gets away with murder".. haha I know exactly what that's like. You probably can't get back at her, but I would consider writing her a letter, to get all the things you feel like saying out of your system. How you loved her and wanted all the best for her, and how she treated you like dirt as a thank you. Don't worry she'll be dumped soon enough by some guy who didn't have a 3 year dry spell. No one gets through life without experiencing love sickness. What you need to do is get back on track and create your own happiness. I would advise you to check out the seduction forums or books as you clearly need some guidance to not allow 3 year dry spells. Getting girls has a lot to do with technique and experience. Just don't take in all the fake stuff they're teaching as it turns you into somebody you don't want to be, and the really great girls will see right through it and leave you with what's left. But you need to know the basics of how the game is played, i.e. opening, comfort, validation, kino, getting numbers etc. I don't use any of the manuscripted stuff, but I stick to the rules and every time some girl gets away I can always boil it down to having neglected some of the ground rules. Also hit the gym, visit a tanning salon a couple of times and do a little fashion study to make you look as sharp as possible. Good luck, and good thing you're not with her anymore. She don't deserve you. Well first, i already sent her a text that said all that stuff back when it happened and i left it there... Next, as far as attracting girls, BELIEVE ME, thats not the problem. Its attracting the wrong ones... I was talking and dating girls pretty much my whole life. The 3 year drought were the girls i really cared about, loved, and considered my "girlfriends"... Basically she was the first girl i cared about in a LONG time, and didnt wanna go back to same ol chicks i meet at clubs and never connect with... (besides one night lol) But anyways thats what i meant. And yes, i believe my last sentence in the text to her was "you dont deserve $hit else from me"
Author shawn923 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) Move on to yourself. Why do you need another girlfriend to move on to? Just tired of being lonely. She moved on to somebody and i still have yet to find somebody. Which makes me feel im in way worse shape than her... I feel like if i move on to somebody else i'll prove to myself i can do it. Edited July 19, 2011 by shawn923
slt2653 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Just tired of being lonely. She moved on to somebody and i still have yet to find somebody. Which makes me feel im in way worse shape than her... I feel like if i move on to somebody else i'll prove to myself i can do it. Do you like yourself?
radiodarcy Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Just tired of being lonely. She moved on to somebody and i still have yet to find somebody. Which makes me feel im in way worse shape than her... I feel like if i move on to somebody else i'll prove to myself i can do it. but haven't you already proven to yourself that you can move on and find other people? you did mention you had been dating/hanging out with other girls. granted they weren't the ones for you but you know the saying girls tell each other "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince" can easily be applied to guys as well -- well in your case, to find your princess but you get the idea. when my ex dumped me and started dating other people without missing a beat, i was tempted to do the same. but then i realized that this isn't a race and that the best thing i could do for myself was to take time out for myself to i can heal. and i've been doing just that -- re-discovering old interests like reading; old movies; politics; taking up new group fitness classes at my local gym and exploring the world of veganism. all of which have helped me take my focus of my ex. i'm not suggesting you do any these things unless you want to. but i;m sure there are other interests you can focus your efforts on as well. for me, focusing on other things has helped me build up my confidence immensely (not to mention stick to NC). and when i do start dating, i'll be in a better position to weed out the frogs. had i started dating before i was ready, i would have been too vulnerable to the bad apples as my judgment would have been severely clouded by my low confidence. that definitely would not have been the way to find a healthy relationship.
Author shawn923 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 but haven't you already proven to yourself that you can move on and find other people? you did mention you had been dating/hanging out with other girls. granted they weren't the ones for you but you know the saying girls tell each other "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to your prince" can easily be applied to guys as well -- well in your case, to find your princess but you get the idea. when my ex dumped me and started dating other people without missing a beat, i was tempted to do the same. but then i realized that this isn't a race and that the best thing i could do for myself was to take time out for myself to i can heal. and i've been doing just that -- re-discovering old interests like reading; old movies; politics; taking up new group fitness classes at my local gym and exploring the world of veganism. all of which have helped me take my focus of my ex. i'm not suggesting you do any these things unless you want to. but i;m sure there are other interests you can focus your efforts on as well. for me, focusing on other things has helped me build up my confidence immensely (not to mention stick to NC). and when i do start dating, i'll be in a better position to weed out the frogs. had i started dating before i was ready, i would have been too vulnerable to the bad apples as my judgment would have been severely clouded by my low confidence. that definitely would not have been the way to find a healthy relationship. Yea i agree totally. Yes ive went a few dates here and there but nothing serious. Its more of a feeling like damn, im tired of having my heart broken, i sifted thru all those girls for 3 years and she was the best one, and we still didnt even work... Idk, just makes me doubt myself. Im doing a lot of new stuff as you are, and I do feel happy alone. Focusing on new stuff is hard, when i dont go to school in the summer, cant find a job (although looking), and dont have a gf. I workout and play basketball 3-4 times a week, and maybe go out one night a week. Other than that im at home applying for jobs all day long and playing video games. Its hard to get my mind off her when im at home. And theres not much more i can do but pray one of these jobs calls. So im most definitely trying to be happy, its just life hasnt given me a break yet
radiodarcy Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 i hear you. the ex was the first guy i felt comfortable opening up to. i thought i could trust him and when he let me down it made me doubt my judgment as well. i think that's why i hung in there way longer than i should have - - because i wanted to prove to myself that i was right about him all along. when i realized that i wasn't and that i was the one who had been lying to myself all that time; did it ever hit me. hard. which is why it's been hard for me to start dating again. but i realize now my self-esteem was so low i just took what i could get from him at the time - - thinking that was all i deserved. now that i'm getting to know myself better, i know what i want in a partner. i can't say i'm 100% or even 1% ready to start looking; but if and whenever i decide to, i'll be on better footing to do so. i know it's cliche but time real does help you to heal. hopefully you'll get a call back for a job. having an all-day routine will definitely help you. in the meantime have you considered looking into volunteering? maybe there are some coaching or mentoring opportunities out there. i find that helping other people can help you too
Fab001 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Both in our 40ies together for 8 years. Ex-bf cheated due to me taking him for granted (which is true to a certain extent). After the first shock, as we both still have feelings, i tried to see if he wants to have a period of nc to let heal our wounds then he meet up again as see what we can do about it. He tells me he needs to think about it. But he also told me that if he did what he did maybe he's not any longer a monogamist (!?!) that he must have a midlife crisis (he's 42) and that his doctor told him he's a nervous break down (this is true, his doctor wanted him to stay home from work but he refused). To me it looks like is desperately trying to find good reasons for doing the mean thing he did but he looks genuinely confused and extremely emotional. He also tells me he needs to be fixed as he does not know any longer who he is. (?!?) What do you think about it? Fab
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