Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

[DantaX]

My ex and I, as I posted earlier work together. We went through our first weekend okay. Imanaged not to get emotional and remain cool and collected when he approached me to speak after two days of no contact.

 

At work we bumped into each other alone in the back room of the nightclub we work at. He came and asked me how I was. I told him I was doing good given the circumstances and kept a smile on my face. He said he had been better. Then proceeds to tell me about how he had printed some flight tickets I had asked him to do for me a week prior to break up as I leave the country tomorrow, and that he would put it in my bag. I said thankyou but you didn't have too as I had already done it now.

 

He didn't know what to do with the tickets, so I told him to keep them, and that he would know my flight times Nd be able to wonder what I'm doing!!!!!! He laughed for the first time. We spoke a bit more and I just maintained a happy fun vibe. He asked me why I was flirting with him and I told him I'm single now I can flirt with who I want. We both had a good night at work and it wasn't awkward and I wasn't in tears.

I had a major car accident and currently have no car, so my ex and I always went to and from work together. I planned to get a taxi home after work. He came to me at the end of the night and wanted to know how I was getting home.

 

I told him taxi. He immediately wNted to take me home or at least walk me to taxi rank and wanted me to text him so he could sleep knowing I got home safely. I hesitated a lot. He came to me and hugged me to the point where I thought I was going to have my circulation cut off and rested his head on my arm and was very emotional. He drove me home. We spoke briefly about our breakup n funny moments at work and such. Eventually I wanted to escape. So I ended the convo with "look, why don't we meet and talk about this when I get back from overseas in two weeks" "in which he responded with a yes, even before I finished my sentence. He hugged me again told me his feelings were the same towards me and that he will miss me. I said "I know you will" and smiled and left the car.

 

I worked one more shift with him last night and it went okay. He is keeping his distance during work hours, which is good because most of our problems were either of us seeing something we don't like at work (him being a bouncer and me a bartender) after work he took me home. We spoke briefly Bout us again and shared some of our feelings about how weird it is to not contact one another daily.

 

We had broken up fairly mutually but he had more strength and thought it was definitely the best thing and that our relationship had ran it's course. Since then he now wants to meet when I am back after we have had two weeks to ourselves and neither of us can cloud one another's judgement and we get some perspective. I go away tonight and I am unsure as to wether or not I should feel hopeful. I want to be with him, but I am trying to maintain as much dignity and not reveal too much Of my feelings and just let it be. It's very hard but the best I can do under the circumstances. What do you guys think is it wishful thinking ?

Edited July 18, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Kilty]

It's really hard to say.

 

I think from reading your initial post the question would have to be - why would you want to go back ?

 

Getting away from the fact that he dumped you - what about all the hassle leading up to the break up ?

 

Possessive jealousy is always unhealthy and very rarely do people who act this way change, so i cant really see things being that much different if you get back together and continue to work in the same environment.

 

You also said in your initial post that you "love" this man

 

Now its very easy to become nostalgic after a break up but you have to ask yourself if you really are "in love" with him or miss the companionship, someone that you have been used to and his attention, albeit unhealthy attention in some parts.

 

I suggest you use the time apart wisely and have a long hard think about what you want rather than worry about what he is thinking.

 

I would also suggest that for some women being with an extremely jealous possesive partner is addictive so be sure that you are not confusing love with that and ask yourself if you could spend eternity with someone flying off the handle every time a guy looks at you etc and the relationship constantly going round in circles back to arguments that one sides jealousy causes.

 

It is clear that this guy has some kind of hold on you but id suggest that its more to do with his possesiveness rather than true love.

 

You are also the dumpee and will have low self esteem at the moment.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Kilty

[123321]

Yes, but usually it becomes fonder of someone else.

[shortee143]

Yes, but usually it becomes fonder of someone else.

 

sad, but true many a times. Ex and I broke up 5 months ago...he jumped into it with me and needed time to be single. I stupidly understood and was respectful of that, thinking we'd have a shot after some time and he'd see how good we were together...and well now, well for the last 2 or 3 months, he is enjoying his time with someone else

[RodG]

My ex and I, as I posted earlier work together. We went through our first weekend okay. Imanaged not to get emotional and remain cool and collected when he approached me to speak after two days of no contact.

At work we bumped into each other alone in the back room of the nightclub we work at. He came and asked me how I was. I told him I was doing good given the circumstances and kept a smile on my face. He said he had been better. Then proceeds to tell me about how he had printed some flight tickets I had asked him to do for me a week prior to break up as I leave the country tomorrow, and that he would put it in my bag. I said thankyou but you didn't have too as I had already done it now. He didn't know what to do with the tickets, so I told him to keep them, and that he would know my flight times Nd be able to wonder what I'm doing!!!!!! He laughed for the first time. We spoke a bit more and I just maintained a happy fun vibe. He asked me why I was flirting with him and I told him I'm single now I can flirt with who I want. We both had a good night at work and it wasn't awkward and I wasn't in tears.

I had a major car accident and currently have no car, so my ex and I always went to and from work together. I planned to get a taxi home after work. He came to me at the end of the night and wanted to know how I was getting home. I told him taxi. He immediately wNted to take me home or at least walk me to taxi rank and wanted me to text him so he could sleep knowing I got home safely. I hesitated a lot. He came to me and hugged me to the point where I thought I was going to have my circulation cut off and rested his head on my arm and was very emotional. He drove me home. We spoke briefly about our breakup n funny moments at work and such. Eventually I wanted to escape. So I ended the convo with "look, why don't we meet and talk about this when I get back from overseas in two weeks" "in which he responded with a yes, even before I finished my sentence. He hugged me again told me his feelings were the same towards me and that he will miss me. I said "I know you will" and smiled and left the car.

I worked one more shift with him last night and it went okay. He is keeping his distance during work hours, which is good because most of our problems were either of us seeing something we don't like at work (him being a bouncer and me a bartender) after work he took me home. We spoke briefly Bout us again and shared some of our feelings about how weird it is to not contact one another daily.

We had broken up fairly mutually but he had more strength and thought it was definitely the best thing and that our relationship had ran it's course. Since then he now wants to meet when I am back after we have had two weeks to ourselves and neither of us can cloud one another's judgement and we get some perspective. I go away tonight and I am unsure as to wether or not I should feel hopeful. I want to be with him, but I am trying to maintain as much dignity and not reveal too much Of my feelings and just let it be. It's very hard but the best I can do under the circumstances. What do you guys think is it wishful thinking ?

 

Out of sight, out of mind with my ex.

[DantaX]

Thanx guys for your responses. I am just a bit of a wreck at the moment and he does have a hold on me. Deep down i know i shouldnt even want to continue this relationship. I hope the next two weeks away will help me see things clearer and my judgement wont be clouded with emotions. I do miss the routine we had, not the drama but the companionship. But even then it was not a healthy relationship. I need to keep reminding myself this. It was about his ego and his need to feel like the only male to have any effect over me. I need to be realistic. Thanks again

[shortee143]

Thanx guys for your responses. I am just a bit of a wreck at the moment and he does have a hold on me. Deep down i know i shouldnt even want to continue this relationship. I hope the next two weeks away will help me see things clearer and my judgement wont be clouded with emotions. I do miss the routine we had, not the drama but the companionship. But even then it was not a healthy relationship. I need to keep reminding myself this. It was about his ego and his need to feel like the only male to have any effect over me. I need to be realistic. Thanks again

 

It is more than ok to be a wreck. A breakup really does throw life's routine off. Afterall, all of a sudden this huge part of your life is no longer there! It takes the mind awhile to get used to the absence..let alone all the other bs- the hurt, anger, betrayal, misery, etc involved in the breakup. I too am in contact with my ex due to mutual friends, I would much prefer to never see him again. Out of sight out of mind I think in due time becomes true. I can say, when I am in the presence of my ex is sucks- but when I am not, I dont have that crazy urge to contact him. Plus, in the beginning (now 4 months post breakup) i did have that false hope, that when he was 'nice' to me etc there was hope. But try NOT to hold onto hope..no one for sure knows what'll happen in life of course. Breakups are hard...then being in contact after it, is even harder haha

[DantaX]

It is more than ok to be a wreck. A breakup really does throw life's routine off. Afterall, all of a sudden this huge part of your life is no longer there! It takes the mind awhile to get used to the absence..let alone all the other bs- the hurt, anger, betrayal, misery, etc involved in the breakup. I too am in contact with my ex due to mutual friends, I would much prefer to never see him again. Out of sight out of mind I think in due time becomes true. I can say, when I am in the presence of my ex is sucks- but when I am not, I dont have that crazy urge to contact him. Plus, in the beginning (now 4 months post breakup) i did have that false hope, that when he was 'nice' to me etc there was hope. But try NOT to hold onto hope..no one for sure knows what'll happen in life of course. Breakups are hard...then being in contact after it, is even harder haha

 

 

Yes that is all it is.. false hope. I keep switching from being realistic and kicking myself for bothering when there was red flags from the very first meeting.. and many many more along the way and i ignored every single one of them, to avoid the pain of the inevidable breakup... and thinking omg! No! i dont want to be apart. He was going to leave our work place when i was overseas but has since changed his mind and wishes to stay. I dont have any urges to contact him either when we are not together - even though the break up is so fresh, but when hes near omg i want to be back to how we used to be. Well the good part.

 

I know i will come to my senses. You sound like your dealing with your situation really well. i envy the time that has passed for you. These first days seem like hell.

[Sugarkane]

Yes, but usually it becomes fonder of someone else.

I'm afraid from my experience this is true. Absence makes them forget about you.

[DantaX]

I'm afraid from my experience this is true. Absence makes them forget about you.

 

 

NO! lol i need to hold onto this denial that he will suffer too. And if i dont contact him.. i will never know and can just pretend that he is struggling as i am. That will get me through to the point where i am okay and it wont matter. As long as there is no solid evidence that he cares or doesnt care, i am free to fill in the gaps as long as i need to before i am free.

[DantaX]

It's really hard to say.

 

I think from reading your initial post the question would have to be - why would you want to go back ?

 

Getting away from the fact that he dumped you - what about all the hassle leading up to the break up ?

 

Possessive jealousy is always unhealthy and very rarely do people who act this way change, so i cant really see things being that much different if you get back together and continue to work in the same environment.

 

You also said in your initial post that you "love" this man

 

Now its very easy to become nostalgic after a break up but you have to ask yourself if you really are "in love" with him or miss the companionship, someone that you have been used to and his attention, albeit unhealthy attention in some parts.

 

I suggest you use the time apart wisely and have a long hard think about what you want rather than worry about what he is thinking.

 

I would also suggest that for some women being with an extremely jealous possesive partner is addictive so be sure that you are not confusing love with that and ask yourself if you could spend eternity with someone flying off the handle every time a guy looks at you etc and the relationship constantly going round in circles back to arguments that one sides jealousy causes.

 

It is clear that this guy has some kind of hold on you but id suggest that its more to do with his possesiveness rather than true love.

 

You are also the dumpee and will have low self esteem at the moment.

 

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response, your right about everything as much as i hate to admit it.

 

Yeah, he will not be able to change his ways. He pursued me in a sly and calculated manner, wanted me to be his girlfriend after three weeks of dating, and told me he was in love with me after another three weeks. A year and a half later i am now at the end.

 

Constant fighting, constant blame... i felt like the worst girlfriend in the world but couldnt realise why when i tried so hard. It was never good enough. I accussed him of not appreciating me, that i didnt know if we should be together anymore and that im sick of feeling like my every movement is being watched and that my every action reflected on him and affected him. THen he called my bluff and ended it and thought our relo had reached its course. It was hard, but i have put it off too long, i should be happy for the freedom now, instead of continuing with this man only to have it progress further and troubles deepen.

 

No i couldnt spend eternity with him.... i dont know why i feel like sharing this story but just for an example of my previous relationship...

 

I went to the coffee shop across the road from work to use the bathroom. A group of males were sitting near the entrance. One of them was making comments about me to his friends whilst looking me up and down. I ignored it, PRAYING my boyfriend wouldnt see and make a scene. Surely enough he did. i walked out past the guys and BF walks over to me. "come here" BF says. I went over to him and the questions start. What did that guy say to you? Did you say anything? Why didn't you tell him this and that bla bla ba... next thing he tells me to walk past the group of guys again. I say No, i really dont want too, i dont feel comfortable. And then BF got agressive about it. GO! i want to see if they will do it again! he says. so i think ah f*$%! i go back in and go back to the bathroom, thinking to myself, great my boyfriends a psycho and everyone in this coffee shop probably think i have a bladder problem.

 

ANyway by the time i get out of the bathroom, BF is back across the road outside of work. He comes back over to me and asked me if the guy had said anything to me when i walked back out of the bathroom the second time. I said no he didnt. Then he was happy. I asked wtf did you do? and he told me. He stood about 2 metres away from the group of guys, and called to the one who had made comments to me. Come here i wana have a chat. THe guy responds, brother if you want to chat, come here. In which my boyfriend responds "Come here before i drag you where i want you" the guy came running. My boyfriend told him not to disrespect women because you never know whos boyfriend or husband is watching and that he was this and that and the guy got scared. The guy apologised profusely, and since then has even apologised to me at the nightclub. I have had over 12 men apologise for "disrespecting me" when i felt it all completely unessacary, 60% of the time i did not even recognise the people and i wonder wtf they did?????????

 

Typing this has just made me feel like im a fool. What was i thinking?????????????????????????????????

Edited July 18, 2011 by DantaX
i left out some details

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I'm afraid from my experience this is true. Absence makes them forget about you.

 

 

Really????

 

 

not sure how many people you have dated but if you have an ex that you haven't seen in ages try popping into their life and say "hey, remember me?!". I bet they will say "of course".

[Kilty]

Typing this has just made me feel like im a fool. What was i thinking?????????????????????????????????

 

Although its hard good for you x

 

The bottom line is no matter what advice we give on here it really is up to the individual to make their own choices and see the problems in a relationship by themselves.

 

Its easy to give advice when you are emotionally disconnected from a situation thats why most of us would heal quicker if we could take our own advice to our own troubles - but we all find that difficult.

 

It would seem you are a bit further on as you are at the stage where you are not putting your ex on a pedestal all the time so take the next 2 weeks and try to find yourself and what you want.

 

You will be fine x