sandrawg Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) ..he isn't married. Would that still make me the OW? If so, I guess I am just looking for feedback. I met him a little over a month ago. I'm from the west coast and was visiting friends on the east coast-met him at a party my friends threw for me. We hit it off right away and he made the 1st move to kiss me. We kissed and talked the whole evening. I gave him my phone no even tho I was heading back home the next day, cuz I knew I'd probably end up relocating to the east coast, anyway (long story-family illness, etc.) We ended up talking, skype'ing, IM'ing, emailing constantly for a week. I mean, we had 4 hr long skype talks. We flirted w each other over text and email. We have this amazing chemistry and intellectual connection. He was even talking about coming out to the west coast to see me, spend some time together. But I have more flexibility in my schedule since I run my own business, so instead, I made plans to fly out for a long wknd. I got a really nice hotel and everything. 8 days later, he tells me, he had just broken up with a girl right before we met. He tells me, his heart belongs to her, and he needs to go see her July 4th to see if there is still something there. They've been off and on for 6 yrs. They've had an LDR because she's in NY, and he's in MD. A mutual friend who's known him since college says the rel'ship sucks and isn't healthy but that he is always going back to her. I cut off contact with my guy after he told me about this (ex) gf, for 4 days. Then I really missed talking to him. I started back up. We eventually lapsed back into flirting. Then he said he didn't want me getting "emotionally invested" in him and that we have to be just friends. I didn't feel I WAS getting emotionally invested. I didn't feel like I loved him or anything. Id idn't know him well enough. Anyway, I heard nothing July 4 wknd when he went up to visit the girl. 2 days later, he's back calling me, IM'ing me all the time...I still had plans to fly out there the following weekend, but because of the whole thing w his gf, my trip wasn't about him anymore. I was gonna look for housing w/my future housemate. He invited me out to dinner, and included our mutual friend (who invited HIS gf). We ended up having a wonderful time at dinner. He had also invited me to go out to an art gallery the next day...after dinner, he told me he had decided to "work things out with his gf." I thought, oh ok...I wasn't surprised, frankly. Later in the evening, he was being very flirty, and ended up kissing me. Against my better judgment, we ended up hooking up. The next day, when we went to the art gallery, we met up with his good friend who is also his boss, and that guy's family. I thought how odd that was - surely his friend/boss must know he has a girlfriend? Why would he have invited them to hang out with us? Anyway ever since I've been back home on the west coast, he still calls me all the time, IMs me, etc. He's talking about taking trips together... Meanwhile, while I had an amazing weekend with him, and I love our talks, I am keeping my emotional distance, because A) he's not available, and B) I'm not sure if he did decide to break up w his gf, that I'd even WANT a relationship with him. I mean, he's cheating on his gf. Who's to say he wouldn't cheat on me. So I'm trying to be level-headed. I'm meeting guys who live out there, on online dating sites. I have a few who want to see me when I get out there. I'm totally considering myself single-I'm not gonna be one of these OW who sits around waiting for the committed guy to throw her a bone. If anything, I suspect I am getting more of his time and attention than his gf. I mean, he spends so much time talking on the phone with me, I have no clue when he finds time to talk to her. I will be moving out here in 2 months. What do you all suggest I do? Lay it on the line with him and say, he needs to be single, or I won't sleep w him anymore? Try to keep it to just friends, otherwise? I need some support-I feel awkward even just bringing UP his girlfriend situation, but I have so many questions about it. Thanks. Edited July 17, 2011 by sandrawg
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 He isn't done with her. Far from it. Whatever dynamic and drama, as unhealthy as it is, he is NOT done with her. And yes, it would make you the OW. You haven't invested much time in this guy..Let him go and find someone else who doesn't have a girlfriend. If you choose to stay the Ow, then be prepared to get hurt.
MissBee Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 He isn't done with her. Far from it. Whatever dynamic and drama, as unhealthy as it is, he is NOT done with her. And yes, it would make you the OW. You haven't invested much time in this guy..Let him go and find someone else who doesn't have a girlfriend. If you choose to stay the Ow, then be prepared to get hurt. Ditto. It's still early in the game to walk away. This man has explicitly said he is not over his gf and his heart belongs to her...what more is there? Thank him for his time and move on to a man not hung up on someone else. There is NO reason you've given as to why this situation merits you waiting around for him to be done with her or to continue to try to date a man who tells you he loves someone else. You said he is not available and have acknowledged all that drama. You like his attention and the way he makes you feel...fair enough, but I've learned that type of need for validation and to have someone else make me feel good, even if everything about the situation, besides those feelings, says NO...is a problem that usually leads to some foolish choices (as you've admitted), heartache, regrets and mucho time wasted. I'm totally considering myself single-I'm not gonna be one of these OW who sits around waiting for the committed guy to throw her a bone. If anything, I suspect I am getting more of his time and attention than his gf. I mean, he spends so much time talking on the phone with me, I have no clue when he finds time to talk to her. You sound like me a few years ago....I wondered the same thing about my taken guy, butttt regardless of how he juggled that, the point was that he still had a gf and I still wasn't his one and only and although I dated other ppl and was "single"...I was still allowing my heart to be caught up with him, engaging with him like he was my man and it was still a mess. It's a contradiction. Like your post is. You say you are not waiting for him to throw you a bone but you're still asking about what you should do and should you lay it on the line to him and so on. Question: what is worth it about this guy that would allow you to even want to continue after everything? You should check out this site called baggage reclaim and read the articles about unavailable relationships, it may prove to be helpful!
TurboGirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Oo a lot of drama there, OP, that you certainly don't need. That entire back/forth scenario can really beat a girl up and ruin self esteem. You are moving... and you will meet LOTS of new guys when you get settled again. I wouldn't be sleeping with him if he is still with his gf - and he's told you that he is... but apparently likes a bit of extra sugar from you. If you continue to allow the "friendship" the texts, skype calls, flirting, etc., be prepared to get hurt. If he's been in a 6 year relationship off & on, he's used to the back & forth & drama of it all. You need to think of yourself and your sanity. No intellectual and emotional connection is worth it - especially if they guy is in love with someone else!
Author sandrawg Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I know you all are right. He and I seem to have this amazing rapport, and similar sense of humor..a lot of things in common...and I feel like he really "gets" me. I can be a bit of a geek, and so can he. But I can probably find that with someone else, who's single...I just have to be patient.
Lucky_One Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 He probably says the same thing about his GF - the rapport, the laughter, the connection. Yes, you would be the OW.
Sharon1961 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I know you all are right. He and I seem to have this amazing rapport, and similar sense of humor..a lot of things in common...and I feel like he really "gets" me. I can be a bit of a geek, and so can he. But I can probably find that with someone else, who's single...I just have to be patient. Do yourself a big favor and cut off contact with this guy. The dynamics are already there for a big messed up time. You're already confused enough to be posting here about it. If you were able to handle this you wouldn't be posting here. Right?
Author sandrawg Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Good point. Do yourself a big favor and cut off contact with this guy. The dynamics are already there for a big messed up time. You're already confused enough to be posting here about it. If you were able to handle this you wouldn't be posting here. Right?
Trimmer Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I know you all are right. He and I seem to have this amazing rapport, and similar sense of humor..a lot of things in common... Do you have the same sense of loyalty, honor, and honesty in a relationship? The same expectation to know whether your partner is stepping out on you?
KathyM Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Don't waste your time with guys who are not available. And why would you want a guy who is so willing to cheat on his girlfriend? If he does it to her (cheats), he'll most likely do it to you eventually as well. The guy is a bum. Throw him out and find someone decent who's available to have a relationship.
jwi71 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I concur with what everyone else has said. He is not available emotionally. Relegate him to fond memory and a ONS and move on. Allowing him to enter your life in any meaningful way will only weigh you down. And you WILL find that connection again. Promise.
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