nikkinicole36 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Pink what you are going through is downright awful. I know exactly how you feel. My ex-fiance did this exact same thing too. It basically comes down to fear of commitment. He proposed and then scared the hell out of himself and then he had to get out. If you can start reading He's Scared, She's Scared or Men Who Can't Love, both by Steven Carter it will help to shed a lot of light on your current situation. I think you staying NC is the best way to go. Your ex couldn't give you an answers because he honestly doesn't have any. He was right in this regard, you didn't do anything wrong. You are not to blame for his fear. You are going to go through so many emotions and it is going to be so hard. I would literally cry myself to sleep to keep myself from breaking NC. It gets really really hard before it gets better. I am so sorry you too have to go through this. Keep your head up, post hear as much as you can and seek as much help from friends, family, therapy, etc as you can. You are going through a major loss and you are going to have to truly grieve. Best of luck!
Author pink24 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Pink what you are going through is downright awful. I know exactly how you feel. My ex-fiance did this exact same thing too. It basically comes down to fear of commitment. He proposed and then scared the hell out of himself and then he had to get out. If you can start reading He's Scared, She's Scared or Men Who Can't Love, both by Steven Carter it will help to shed a lot of light on your current situation. I think you staying NC is the best way to go. Your ex couldn't give you an answers because he honestly doesn't have any. He was right in this regard, you didn't do anything wrong. You are not to blame for his fear. You are going to go through so many emotions and it is going to be so hard. I would literally cry myself to sleep to keep myself from breaking NC. It gets really really hard before it gets better. I am so sorry you too have to go through this. Keep your head up, post hear as much as you can and seek as much help from friends, family, therapy, etc as you can. You are going through a major loss and you are going to have to truly grieve. Best of luck! Hi nikkinicole36 I really appreciate your post and from what you have said you know exactly what I am going through. The pain is completely unexplainable. I feel like I have lost a limb... as sad as that sounds but I feel extremely vulnerable and lost and cannot comprehend this has happened. Your right he obviously doesnt have the answers as he couldnt give me them. He is ending the relationship so what would he gain from not telling me the truth. Yeah it is like grieving for someone. The hardest part to understand is how I went to bed one night thinking I was blissfully happy, I had my friends, family a fantastic job and my darling fiance to then waking up to my world being completely turned upside down with no real reason as to why! Surely he must be thinking aboout it all? and how he has just walked away? When did this all happen to you?? how have you coped? x
Author pink24 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 You're doing great! It's been 2 weeks for me, it is very hard! I love how they act so cold towards like we've done something wrong. Like we don't have a right to ask what the hell is going on! Never seen this side to her and I was with the girl for 3 years It is extremely scary how you think you know someone TaintedHeart We were together 5 and a half years and I never for one minute thought he was capable if doing the things he has done.....
nikkinicole36 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Pink, he is definitely thinking about it all. We often assume that these types don't think about it. They do, often it eats them alive, yet its like they can't help themselves. People that are this hurtful are doing what they do on a compulsion. It is sad to say but it is not even personally to hurt you. It's honestly more self-sabatoge than anything. I felt the exact same way. I felt like finally my life was perfect. I had a great job, in grad school, the love of my life etc. We were planning our wedding and getting ready to move in. We had a silly arguement because I'd noticed he was being distant suddenly. Then boom, the ax. He cut me totally and completely out of his life, refused to talk to me and 3 months later he was with some chick with 2 kids, whom he is actually still with. He refused to give me any closure, any answers and the couple of times I tried to talk to him after the breakup he was bitterly nasty and angry at me. He blamed the entire thing on me. Everyone, friends and family alike were completely shocked. This was June of last year when all this happened. I went into a deep deep depression. I have always been like you, a super strong, resilent person. This breakup cut me at my knees and down into my soul. It took every ounce of strength I had not to kill myself and I've never been one for the easy way out. Once more, my family and friends tried to help but they weren't that supportive. I guess they tried their best, but nothing in my entire life had prepared me for the searing God awful pain I felt. I didn't beg my ex, though for the first time in my life I truly wanted to. I still have days where it seems like it was some bad nightmare. I honestly didn't feel like I got a breakthrough until this last month, because for the longest I just couldn't or wouldn't let go. Once I did, the true healing started taking place. The best thing for me has been therapy and reading tons of self help books. The best one that I found for grieving abondonment is this book called, From abondonment to healing by Susan Anderson. It has been helping me a ton, among a bunch of other books I'm sure other will recommend for you. You just have to take it a day at a time. It does get worse before it gets better. I wish I had of taken your stance and not contacted my ex not even once, as I think even the couple of times I contacted my ex just feed into his ego. This is a long road to recovery. The best way through this is to see this as a journey for transforming your life. The breakup was the worse and best thing that has ever happened to me. I grew leaps and bounds as a person. This will definitely help you become centered on who you are as a person. You will have to fight everyday to keep from being bitter and angry. You will have days you will not want to get out of bed, you will have good days, and you will have days where you want to literally kill this person. You will spiral through the grief process and stages a number of times before you finally reach acceptance. Most of all you will need to be gentle and good to yourself during this time. It will be so easy to internalize this and blame yourself for this, but this is honestly not your fault. Don't rush to do a rebound relationship or anything crazy as that will just delay your healing, but just focus on your life and what you want. This is an amazing place for those healing. There are a lot of great people here who will give you wonderful advice. You will get through this and be better on the other side as a result. If you ever want to talk personally, please feel free to send me a personal message. This is extremely difficult to go through and you can truly use all the help you can to geth through this time. Edited July 18, 2011 by nikkinicole36
Author pink24 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Nikkinicole - Oh my goodness... every word I read from your post mirrored exactky what I am going through. It is so positive knowing that there is people have gone through this and come out stringer at the other side. From the few posts you have wrote I see ALOT of myself in what you have said. There has been days where I genuinely do not know how I have gotten through the day, I sit there and stare in to space and simply wonder..... then there is days where I think 'Today you are not getting the better of me'. It has only been the past week that I have tried every day to do something positive no matter how minor it is, just something that is working on ME! I am the one who is recieveing this torture yet I am continuing to torture myself, I feel like the more I try not to do it the worse I feel. For the initial two weeks after the break up I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I didnt go to work, I wasnt eating or drinking - all I did was cry. It reached a point where my parents got so worried they took me to the doctors which I was then told I was sufferring from depression and anxiety. I have been prescribed all sorts of meds to help me. I have lost a tonne of weight which I didnt need to but I am living and working of nervous energy and I cant help but think is it worth it? I have always been strong and highly independant and I feel like I am a crumbling mess. Yeah I have heard he has booked a 'Boys holiday' he has started going out and getting drunk and doing god knows what....to which I think why?? He was never into the whole clubbing scene, he didnt drink, he didnt take drugs and all of a sudden he is living it up. I then look at me and the situation he has put me in and he has broken me, my self confidence, my self esteem, my self worth, my dreams - the lot. I ask myself am I really my own person? I had started to build a life with this guy. A future for us both and he has walked away like it meant nothing. People keep telling me I have to stop thinking about how he is thing or what he is thinking and doing but it is so hard! I just cannot comprehend how 10 weeks ago he whisked me away, proposed to me and committed to our relationship for the long haul to now walking away as if he has never known me. I cant help but ask myself all these questions.. I lay in bed at night alone, usually he would be beside me and I think I wonder if he thinks he has made the wrong decision, I wonder if he is missing me and wishing I was with him but then BAM I remeber how he is now living and socialising and think no he obviously isnt caring.... so why on earth am I?? Nikkinicole I really appreciate what you have said...You seem like a really strong girl and I hope I can get through it the way you have, how do we private message - I am new to LS X
nikkinicole36 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I'm not sure how to send private messages either but I do know there is usually a link up at the time whenever you sign in that appears right under your name usually. I know how you feel. I think your ex is using his own crappy coping skills of dealing with this breakup. Unfortunately it sucks, but there isn't much you can do. I know it's extremely difficult but you have to try not to beat yourself up for his actions.
TaintedHeart Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I'm not sure how to send private messages either but I do know there is usually a link up at the time whenever you sign in that appears right under your name usually. I know how you feel. I think your ex is using his own crappy coping skills of dealing with this breakup. Unfortunately it sucks, but there isn't much you can do. I know it's extremely difficult but you have to try not to beat yourself up for his actions. http://tinychat.com/myrelationship This was posted on one of my threads, not sure if it's a part of LS but people from LS use it, if that makes sense
Author pink24 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 I'm not sure how to send private messages either but I do know there is usually a link up at the time whenever you sign in that appears right under your name usually. I know how you feel. I think your ex is using his own crappy coping skills of dealing with this breakup. Unfortunately it sucks, but there isn't much you can do. I know it's extremely difficult but you have to try not to beat yourself up for his actions. I got the worst news ever last night.... he was out at the weekend and hooked up with another girl. I AM DEVESTATED.... totally and utterly shattered me. I cannot comprehend why he has done this? Why he is acting like a complete stranger? I honestly feel like I dont even know him. He is making me feel like our relationship meant nothing to him...Like I mean NOTHINHG! Any advice??
nikkinicole36 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 My first advice to you is to continue to distance yourself from him as much as possible. Mutual friends can even become a blessing and curse during this time. As they will wind up passing on to you information that you honestly did not really want to know, such as the news of him hooking up with a girl. Right now your ex is doing whatever he has to do to cope with his dcision. What you're going through right now is part of what I meant by it gets worse before it gets better. I know finding all that information out is killing you. I know this is the hardest thing for you to go through right now, but whatever you do, please don't break NC, as it will only make things even worse for you than they are at this particular moment.
Author pink24 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Hi nikkinicole, had a pretty sh*t day today to say the least. After having it confirmed that he is hooking up with other girls my heart sunk and I honestly felt like we were breaking up all over again! You are right it will definetly get worse before it gets better as I have witnessed yesterday and today but I honestly do not think I could feel any worse. The whole mutual friends thing is something I am definetly gonna distance myself from to. What I dont know cant hurt me and I have decided if I do meet anyone who both my ex and I are in contact with I am just going to nip it in the bud straight away and politely say that my Ex and I are no longer together therefore I have no interest in what he is doing thanks. I feel all that will do is set me back knowing all these things. Just as I fell hey I'm getting there BAM another strike from him. Since the split, he has done alot of shady things that 1. he knows I am gonna hear about and 2. knows it is going to hurt me so I cannot understand why! Isnt he hurt me enough by leaving me? I mean he has broke my heart by walking away but with that he is kicking me when I am down. However I WILL NOT BREAK NC!!!! I would ratger through myself off a bridge before I gave him that satisfaction! There is no way that I am gonna call or text and ask him a million questions that he probably will not even be able to answer! Ohhhh myyy its tough! **MAJOR SIGH** .... Sorry for the rant nikkinicole
Author pink24 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Hey nikkinicole... what you think about the above post?? any advice??
nikkinicole36 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Sorry Pink for the delay in replying. I've been a behind on this on LS lately. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. Keeping your distance and not hearing through mutual friends. The more you find out at this point the more it kills you inside. I made the mistake of hearing updates from my ex's mom. I finally had to just stop calling her too. I know it's incredibly hard, but now you just have to focus on you and your life. I know you are in the most agonizing pain of your life. I wish I had a pill for all the broken hearted people to take to heal. Only time and actively moving forward. You have to just grieve through all of this. Feel everything that you're feeling and just move forward a step each day.
GymRat Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Goodness me, like someone mentioned before, you make my situation sound trivial, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that you've been through this. I was anticipating a future with my ex-girlfriend too, and I was told the words "I can see myself being with you forever" on several occasions. Though of course, that's not nearly as promising as an engagement. I never will understand how some people can change SO quickly. I was, quite naively, under the impression that everyone ultimately wants the chance to get married, have kids, and grow old with their partner until death do them part. But experience, alas, has told me otherwise. Some people genuinely need time to figure out what they truly want in life. And this timing, very unfortunately, can be very devastating. Some people see relationships as a game of Deal or No Deal. They keep going for the 'ultimate prize' and when they realize that they're in a situation that couldn't possibly get better, they decide to take it and move forward. Forgive this awful analogy, but I'm going to try to keep going with it. And so once they've gambled again on a new relationship, and realized it was not as great as the last one, they begin to wish they didn't gamble in the first place. But the rules of Deal or No Deal state that once you've gambled and lost, you can't take back your gamble. And the same should be applicable in real life. But it's not. Because sometimes we let them break the rules. And we shouldn't. I ask myself this question all the time. How can someone love you unconditionally for the rest of their life if they're capable of inflicting so much pain on you, without any warning? And why do we put them on such a high pedestal? Even though we know they're not perfect, we know we deserve better, and we know that there are so many opportunities to meet people BETTER than them. I still can't answer this, but thinking about these questions helps me put things more into perspective. I wish I could speed up time for you, or prescribe you a potion that would let you forget about him completely, all your memories and such. Or actually, here's another question I ask myself. Sorry for dragging this on. But, would you rather: drink a potion that would let you forget everything about him, and forget all the emotions you have attached to him so that if you saw him in person, you would not be able to differentiate him from anyone else? And know that you wouldn't be sad, because you don't remember anything about him! Or would you rather magically be in a relationship with him again, with him having never broken things off in the first place, but with the knowledge that he had broken things off but you're only back together because you had that wish? I know earlier I answered the latter, as I kept telling myself "I'll talk more, feel out her emotions more, and I know I'd be able to keep her". But thankfully, I'm a point now where I'm answering the former, and I'm not sad about never having remembered her. After much thought, I realized, she wasn't really all that great. I was just a fool in love. My mind has wandered significantly today! I apologize, but I wish you all the best.
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