jackrabbit Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Ok, my wife and I have been separated for quite some time and we were attempting to patch things up recently. I have had suspicions that she is interested in a guy that she dated briefly while we agreed to see other people. I have already sought advice about this from a different area in the forum, but here's a new update. I was very honest with her the other day and told her I thought the relationship she had with this guy was inappropriate and it was derailing our chances at being back together. She has told me numerous times that he is just a friend and I have nothing to worry about. However, she is extremely defensive about her phone, text messages, and any questions related to this guy. I also already asked about all these red flags elsewhere. Here's the point: The other night, when I was staying at my apartment, she went for a late night swim. I had asked her to do this several times but she always said no. I asked her if she was alone and she said yes. Then I asked her if she was interested in this guy and she became defensive, telling me I need to trust her. She said she's never given me any reason not to trust her. She left her phone out today and I snooped in it. She tried to invite him over to swim. He actually said no, that it was a bad idea, because it would make me flip out. She responded with a text that said she wouldn't tell me about such a thing now like she has in the past. Then, it was clear that he wasn't interested and the conversation tailed off. So, here's my issue. I don't want to be told that I'm a wimp for putting up with this or that I need to run for the hills. I want to know if this qualifies as a lie. He wasn't over there and she didn't lie about that. But inviting him and saying she wouldn't tell me about it is just terrible. He seems to not be interested in her anymore, but she is obsessed with him. So, when I confront her with this information, is she truly lying? If so, how do I get her to admit to me that she did this? She won't admit it on her own, so I feel like I'll get the anger about snooping instead of focusing on the lying that she's done. HELP! Any advice is good advice at this point.
Bryanp Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 The bottom line is that she told him that she would not tell you the truth. It would therefore be quite difficult to ever know if she would be telling you the truth in the future. You want to patch up with a wife that has made it clear that she will not be honest with you now and in the future like she has been in the past. You have a wife that is hot for another man and pleads with him to come over for a late night swim. I guess if he had accepted then she would have played checkers with him afterwards? It seems that you are the fall back guy if she cannot hook up with some other guy that she really finds attractive. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you? Her comments to him that she would not tell you the truth shows that she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you wish to be with a woman who makes it clear to another man that she will not tell her husband the truth about meeting up with him late at night? What is wrong with this picture?
Author jackrabbit Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 It just occurred to me that she might have been testing me. After having an argument about him and her possible attraction to him, she believes I don't trust her. It seems odd and out of character that she would leave her cell phone out for so long, unattended, knowing that I would be tempted to look at it. Is it possible that she concocted all of this to see if I would snoop and react badly? or am I grasping at straws?
Author jackrabbit Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 The guy she's obsessed with seems to not be interested in her in that way. There were several messages about him ignoring her and not wanting to come over, etc. Perhaps I should contact him first in a very diplomatic way and see if he'll fill me in on all the details (he might be looking for an "out" with her anyway)?
Bryanp Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I don't think you have anything to lose by contacting him. On the other hand, he said he was fearful that you would flip out so he may not tell you the truth. Oh you are certainly grasping at straws if you think this was all a ruse to test you. You would have to be in total denial to believe this. Good luck.
fltc Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 ... he's not the problem. The problem is your wife is trying to have an affair with this guy and he's turned her down so far. He seems to be a good guy... but... she's going to jump on his d*ick or find someone else, it really appears that she's made up her mind to cheat. Frankly, I don't think there's much you can do, stay alert but it's possible she's already checked out of your marriage. Sorry.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Ok, my wife and I have been separated for quite some time and we were attempting to patch things up recently. I have had suspicions that she is interested in a guy that she dated briefly while we agreed to see other people. I have already sought advice about this from a different area in the forum, but here's a new update. I was very honest with her the other day and told her I thought the relationship she had with this guy was inappropriate and it was derailing our chances at being back together. She has told me numerous times that he is just a friend and I have nothing to worry about. However, she is extremely defensive about her phone, text messages, and any questions related to this guy. I also already asked about all these red flags elsewhere. Here's the point: The other night, when I was staying at my apartment, she went for a late night swim. I had asked her to do this several times but she always said no. I asked her if she was alone and she said yes. Then I asked her if she was interested in this guy and she became defensive, telling me I need to trust her. She said she's never given me any reason not to trust her. She left her phone out today and I snooped in it. She tried to invite him over to swim. He actually said no, that it was a bad idea, because it would make me flip out. She responded with a text that said she wouldn't tell me about such a thing now like she has in the past. Then, it was clear that he wasn't interested and the conversation tailed off. So, here's my issue. I don't want to be told that I'm a wimp for putting up with this or that I need to run for the hills. I want to know if this qualifies as a lie. He wasn't over there and she didn't lie about that. But inviting him and saying she wouldn't tell me about it is just terrible. He seems to not be interested in her anymore, but she is obsessed with him. So, when I confront her with this information, is she truly lying? If so, how do I get her to admit to me that she did this? She won't admit it on her own, so I feel like I'll get the anger about snooping instead of focusing on the lying that she's done. HELP! Any advice is good advice at this point. This guy is actually smart. She's pushing it and he's backing off knowing that she is back with you...Good for him for telling her no! You know what? Instead of telling her that you've snooped, do nothing .. Watch and wait. Keep on asking her questions. Tell her your gut is off, that something is happening behind your back. If in the upcoming weeks you feel she's still acting sneaky give her a huge reality check. Make her choose. Either this guy (who obviously is playing it safe and backing off) or you. And if she chooses you, it's goodbye to the OM and you two go to marriage counselling. If she can't live up to what you ask, then it's time she moves out and she can go live with the OM. If you show her that you are not taking her crap, stand up for yourself, make her suffer some consquences, she won't change nor will she snap out of this fog she's in. I will say, it's too bad you two agreed on seeing others while separated.. did you date anybody too?
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 The guy she's obsessed with seems to not be interested in her in that way. There were several messages about him ignoring her and not wanting to come over, etc. Perhaps I should contact him first in a very diplomatic way and see if he'll fill me in on all the details (he might be looking for an "out" with her anyway)? No don't. He seems to be a strong guy and has a line he isn't going to cross. She is the one chasing him and he's not stupid! Hello, why waste energy on someone who is back with their husband. He knows what's what and has distanced himself from her and that is hurting her ego and her pride. I highly doubt she loves this guy, let alone plans on leaving you for him.. He made her feel good and she got used to the excitement of someone new.
Memphis Raines Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 However, she is extremely defensive about her phone, text messages, and any questions related to this guy. I also already asked about all these red flags elsewhere. Here's the point: The other night, when I was staying at my apartment, she went for a late night swim. I had asked her to do this several times but she always said no. I asked her if she was alone and she said yes. Then I asked her if she was interested in this guy and she became defensive, telling me I need to trust her. She said she's never given me any reason not to trust her. She left her phone out today and I snooped in it. She tried to invite him over to swim. He actually said no, that it was a bad idea, because it would make me flip out. She responded with a text that said she wouldn't tell me about such a thing now like she has in the past. Then, it was clear that he wasn't interested and the conversation tailed off. well, not sure if your wife is cheating, but its clear she wants to. she never goes for a late night swim with you, but wants this other guy to? oh hell no. How long you been married? Kids? If it hasn't been but a couple years and no kids, then Id say its annulment time. Because it won't get better with time. Otherwise you have to decide what you want to do. So, here's my issue. I don't want to be told that I'm a wimp for putting up with this or that I need to run for the hills. ok, so you don't want to be told to run for the hills. So you are only wanting to hear that which justifies you staying with her. so it sounds like you already know what you want to do. I want to know if this qualifies as a lie. yes, it does. and in any case, keeping something like this from your spouse is just downright disrespectful. He wasn't over there and she didn't lie about that. yes, but now you know she will lie if it comes up and she won't be telling you anything. But inviting him and saying she wouldn't tell me about it is just terrible. He seems to not be interested in her anymore, but she is obsessed with him. sounds like he doesn't want to mess with someone elses wife. I commend him for that if this is the case. So, when I confront her with this information, is she truly lying? confront her anytime you want, but since you don't want to run for the hills, then you are just going to have to be prepared to take the backlash of her defensiveness. If so, how do I get her to admit to me that she did this? She won't admit it on her own, so I feel like I'll get the anger about snooping instead of focusing on the lying that she's done. doesn't matter. she has been caught. if she gets mad at you snooping, its because she has been found out. deflecting the issue and trying to put it on you. but again, you don't want to be told to run for the hills. so you will have to take what you get when she gets angry. And she WILL get angry because she isn't fit to be a wife.
Memphis Raines Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 It just occurred to me that she might have been testing me. After having an argument about him and her possible attraction to him, she believes I don't trust her. that would be stupid on her part. no, she wasn't testing you. she wants to have sex with this guy in the pool on a midnight swim. not only that, it would be highly stupid for this other guy to participate in any "test", whether he declined her or not.
jnj express Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You have the problem, of her wanting to do things with him, that she will not do with you-----That cannot be good no matter what----you are now in the role of sloppy seconds--------she must respect you, for anything further to work in your mge.----and yes she is lying to you!!!!!!
Chi townD Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 What's disturbing is that she said that she wouldn't tell you like the other times. If she's lying to you about a simple swim, what else is she lying about?
Sh0t Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 You can always tell when a guy was lucky enough to marry a woman much better looking than he should be with. The excuses are endless.
StoneCold Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Dude let it go...shes interested in the guy...may still be banging him too. Just go find a new girl
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