antinko Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I was with a girl for just over a year and we started off really well, as you do. With this girl, I knew I felt very strongly for her but I didn't want to say I loved her too quickly. A couple of months into the relationship, I couldn't help myself: we'd had such wonderful times and she was totally into me. She'd had a series of other relationships before me, even getting engaged once before, but she totally wanted me. I thought she finally knew what she wanted, me, so those couple of months passed and I told her I loved her. I've never told anyone I've loved them like that before. We were very happy, and I thought so in love. She'd send me late night messages even when she was on night shifts claiming how much she was into me and i bought every word. It showed in her gestures too and the way she looked and reacted to me. I was head over heels. She dumped me two months ago after just over a year together. I knew she'd been struggling with certain things in her life, but I didn't think it was me. It appears she is very happy right now, but I made some mistakes breaking no contact; although, we never formally agreed to that. I sent her a message last Wednesday to which she replied to and I ended up at her house just to have a chat and catch up. Big mistake. I came away from her house feeling ok, feeling that maybe I had gotten over her. I had felt like I was getting better, but no, I wasn't. Then, the next day, I get a message on Facebook which was totally angry with me. My previous ex had sent me a friend request just after my break up with this girl and I accepted it. This particular ex is in a relationship and our relationship wasn't that serious. I was just being nice, probably naive, but nice, and that ex didn't try getting with me or anything. Anyway, the horrible message I got from the ex I'm writing about was basically: she'd noticed this other ex on my FB friends' list and she was furious that I'd become friend with her. I think that probably all sorts was going through her mind and she thought I'd probably gone back to her. Anyway...I raced round to her house horrified that she'd taken it this way and we talked, and she realised I had quite innocently just accepted the friend request: no ulterior motive. Now, at this point in my ramble, I have to wonder why the hell she got so jealous: she did dump me afterall and since I've spoken to her, she's still clear that she doesn't want to get back together... Anyway, Friday passed and I found myself turning into somewhat of a wreck. I miss this girl so much. I took some stuff of hers to her yesterday and a birthday card because it's her birthday tomorrow. Whilst I didn't overtly say 'please take me back', I did say that I would if she changed her mind. She says she doesn't know what the future will hold and I, probably foolishly, took that as a good sign. So...I felt crappy after leaving her house yesterday and I feel upset because I think I've come across as a pain in the ass now. Also, I realised I left something of mine at hers so I texted her last night to see when I could get it back...then realised I still had a book of hers she really wanted back so texted again. Now at this point, you're probably thinking I did this on purpose so I could see her again, but honestly...I didn't. Maybe I did subconsciously, but all I know is that I feel like an idiot. I know I've come across as needy to her but really I just love her. I know that, no matter what I say or do right now, her opinion won't change. I know that, in this respect, I have screwed up and it physically pains me to know that. I just don't understand what happened, and I guess that's probably a reason why we didn't work. But all those messages, all those pledges of love and everything we did together. She promised me she'd stick with me through thick and thin. I did that with her - she's been through some serious ups and downs and I held onto reality just for her. I put my own responsibilities on the line for her and she was always grateful and seemed to be head over heels for me, yet it came to this point and it's her who broke the relationship off. Maybe my idea of 'love' is wrong. Maybe I'm just more than a little bit naive. But, after the long relationships she had in the past, I genuinely believed she knew what she wanted when she started going out with me. I took things casually in the beginning and I know I fell in love with her because I wanted it to be right - I didn't want to just blindly fall head over heels... I thought she was the 'one' and I still do, but why? I know that I stand no chance right now. She's hurt me so much, more so than any pain I've ever experienced. I know this sounds melodramatic, and I've tried to move on. I really have. I've tried dating others, but I just couldn't in good conscience carry those on. I was always thinking of her. I thought I was a strong person. I know I should try and move on, but I can't. I cannot reconcile the things she said and seemed to definitely feel at the time with what's happened now. She seems alien to me. I want to hate her, but I can't. I just feel lost, betrayed. She broke it off two months ago and I I know my recent contact with her has come across as clingy and I know she's 'over me' - she just feels guilty. I am worried that me reminding her of that guilt is/has only caused some resentment. Don't get me wrong: During the relationship, especially the last few months, she became extremely hard work and I almost ended it at one point myself, but I thought that a true relationship could work through difficulties and I'd been working so hard to put more focus on us having fun etc. I work in a difficult profession as does she and we've both been going through some major professional changes which have put us through the mill. I know I've been down and boring sometimes, but it was temporary. All the while, I was offering emotional support for her... I thought that things would get better if given the chance. Now I know it was too much for her. She said she had fallen out of love with me and she had to focus on herself for a while, although she did agree to go on a date with someone else only a couple of weeks after us breaking up... I know this all might sound a bit incoherent. I'm just so confused. The date with the other guy never came to pass and she hasn't dated since. I know, though, that after seeing her during the week, she seems more confident and is certainly looking a lot better. She's not worrying so much about work now and I can't help but feel that I was used a bit during her experiencing a rough patch. I don't know. I don't think that was the case - I just don't know. I know she won't come back to me, at least not any time soon. I've made myself look needy in front of her now and there's nothing I can do about it. Hell, I've never made this mistake in front of anyone else before, but I truly felt she was the one for me. I would have, and often times did near enough, move mountains for her. While I did do a lot for her and treated her like a princess, I always made sure to value her independence. I never wanted her to be dependent on me and, when her self esteem was low, I always made it clear that only she could make herself happy first - I was just support. Many of my friends and family have told me that, from their perspective, she was undeserving of my love because she was fine with me doing so much for her with less in return, but we had fallen in love before those hard times came about. I know the beginning is always a fairy tale, but we had a genuine connection and were excited. I considered her the potential mother of my future kids, but maybe we set the bar too high. I don't know. I just know that I feel heartbroken that it's been ruined now. If I could have done things differently and helped keep the excitement alive, then I would have done. Despite my best efforts, I feel like it's my fault we ended. Any comments would be appreciated, thank you.
Author antinko Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 It's also her birthday tomorrow and, that time last year, we had the most amazing day. I feel cut to ribbons. I wish I could stop bursting into tears. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way too. Really can't get my head together...
TaintedHeart Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Can anyone give me any input? I'm so sorry By what I've read you seem like a very strong woman! It's hard, really hard! One minute they love you then the next they rip your heart out with no real reason and are able to carry on as normal, I don't really know what to say apart from remain NC! It maybe a case of 'G.I.G.S' but like me maybe you'll never know. Stay strong! *Hugs*
Author antinko Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I'm so sorry By what I've read you seem like a very strong woman! It's hard, really hard! One minute they love you then the next they rip your heart out with no real reason and are able to carry on as normal, I don't really know what to say apart from remain NC! It maybe a case of 'G.I.G.S' but like me maybe you'll never know. Stay strong! *Hugs* I'm actually the guy in the relationship, but thanks. What is this G.I.G.S by the way?
TaintedHeart Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I'm actually the guy in the relationship, but thanks. What is this G.I.G.S by the way? Oh, sorry! This post wasn't meant for you, silly me!
Author antinko Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Wow. Ok, although this girl doesn't have a new partner (yet), this 'G.I.G.S' concept rings true on many levels, at least the one I read about. She did say she was getting bored and this is why previous relationships have ended for her. She told me that it was especially difficult for her because I treated her so well. Ok, definitely no contact from now on. If she thinks she can score a better boyfriend than me, then all I can say is good luck to her. I just feel low because I wanted it to work out and I know she's lost some respect for me because I was so hurt. Oh the joys of life. I feel slightly better, but worse at the same time. Crikey. Thanks for the insight, though.
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