carson2002 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Hi, I was married for 31 years untill 3 months ago when my partner walked away with the minimum of explanation. All I got was that she no longer felt connected to me anymore and that she wanted to live a new life with new friends and a new job. she's since given up her job here and moved 200 miles away. At the time she said there was no one else (which neither myself or grown up daughters now believe) and that she just wanted to be by herself because she wasn't interested in a physical relationship. We had some contact for the first few weeks as she came and went but I have heard or seen nothing of her for the last month and her contact with my daughters and grandkids (with whom she was so close) seems to be fading away. This site and seeing others in similar situations has really helped as has all the advice that i've read. I'm not foolish enough to think that she will come back and to be honest after she's given herself to someone else combined with the lies, deceits and ommisisions she's made I don't think i could take her back as I have absolutly no trust in her. I've started to spend time on myself and i'm starting to re-find who I was, which is hard after investing everything into one person for so long (I have no real friends as I work out of area so my social life was at home with her and the people we knew faded away when she left) I have good days and bad but the real problem I have is letting go of what we had and making the final break, does anyone have any advice on leaving the anger and frustrations behind? I can intellectualise my situation but that doesn't stop the ache I feel inside and I really am tired of feeling this way!
fltc Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 <snip> does anyone have any advice on leaving the anger and frustrations behind? I can intellectualise my situation but that doesn't stop the ache I feel inside and I really am tired of feeling this way! You may need some outside help, have you tried counseling? You'll get help here but it may not be enough, your hurt will fade with time but you need outside help to shorten that time.
willowthewisp Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I agree with FLC. After my ex of nearly 20 years left I only strated to feel better when I got counselling. Having said that it is also a matter of time. The two combined. You were married a long time, it stand to reason it is going to take you a while to stop feeling the pain and ache for her that you do. That is normal and I know you feel like it will never pass, I did to, but I promise it does. I thought the pain would never go away, but it does and so will yours. Come here and talk, it hleps a lot but also try and find a good IC who can help you through this. This is one of the worst pains and most difficult times of your life, it is grief and unfortunately there is no shortcut to processing grief. I'm so sorry she did this to you.
Author carson2002 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys especially Willowthewisp, I've read a lot of your posts and can see you have your own personal demons but it's nice to see that you can still find time to help others.
ver13 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 IMO all you can do is start your life over do the things that always wanted to do and live. I guess you have to treat this as though she passed away unexpectedly. You can morn her passing but you have to carry on for those she left behind. Go to a counselor to help you through this moment and keep coming here there are some good folks on this every now and then and it can help you sort out which way is up.
Author carson2002 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks guys, I've not seen any bad advice yet. I especially like Marqueemoon4's analogy about the closed door. I think my biggest problem is idealising her and the relationship, everything looks better through rose tinted glasses. To combat this I've printed Marqueemoons analogy and stuck it up near the computer. I've also created a few of my own to remind me of the reality of the situation, this is one of them: She has cheated on you. She has lied and deceived and will do so again, yet she has found this an easy thing to do. She has abandoned you and yours. She has chosen to do this no one has forced her into these actions. She has no emotions, wants or needs that she feels you can fulfil. She no longer cares for you or those that she has left behind. In her mind we are now only memories that occasionally surface and then only briefly. She has no regrets and believes that her life is now better yet she will still try to take what is yours. If she should change her mind and decide that her choices were wrong, would you allow her back? The trust is broken. At each moment of intimacy you would see the other man. Each text, sent or received would be suspect. Each call taken alone would be suspect. Each late night or early start would be suspect. You would wonder what was she was doing at work, A visit to “mom’s” or “house sitting with *****” would be suspect. You would live with the wait and the fear that boredom would set in and she would be gone again. Suspicion and fear is no way to live a life. The life you now have was not of your Choosing but is a result of her choices. Still, it is your life. Remember you now also have the freedom of choice and you can live your life as you see fit without answer to anyone else especially her. Rebuild your dreams, reset your goals and choose to live it now!! It's starting to get to the point that when I think of her I'm actually starting to dislike her as a person and can seperate who she was and who she is now, after all you can't really mourn the loss of someone you don't actually like. What do you guy's think?
KathyM Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Hi, I was married for 31 years untill 3 months ago when my partner walked away with the minimum of explanation. All I got was that she no longer felt connected to me anymore and that she wanted to live a new life with new friends and a new job. she's since given up her job here and moved 200 miles away. At the time she said there was no one else (which neither myself or grown up daughters now believe) and that she just wanted to be by herself because she wasn't interested in a physical relationship. We had some contact for the first few weeks as she came and went but I have heard or seen nothing of her for the last month and her contact with my daughters and grandkids (with whom she was so close) seems to be fading away. This site and seeing others in similar situations has really helped as has all the advice that i've read. I'm not foolish enough to think that she will come back and to be honest after she's given herself to someone else combined with the lies, deceits and ommisisions she's made I don't think i could take her back as I have absolutly no trust in her. I've started to spend time on myself and i'm starting to re-find who I was, which is hard after investing everything into one person for so long (I have no real friends as I work out of area so my social life was at home with her and the people we knew faded away when she left) I have good days and bad but the real problem I have is letting go of what we had and making the final break, does anyone have any advice on leaving the anger and frustrations behind? I can intellectualise my situation but that doesn't stop the ache I feel inside and I really am tired of feeling this way! That's really hard to deal with. I'm so sorry you were so hurt in this way. Such a long term marriage. Very sad. The only thing I could suggest is to develop your own life now. Do some self reflection and determine what your goals are in life--what you want to accomplish, and then brainstorm some ideas on how to accomplish those goals. Become involved in some causes or things that interest you, and get out and socialize with different groups of people. You need to fill your life with something productive and enjoyable to help you cope with the void that is left by your wife. Difficult to do, but it is doable. The more people you meet and the more focused you are on accomplishing your goals, the easier it will be on you. Now would be a good time to get involved in volunteer work as well. Helping others is therapeutic, and it helps to take our mind off of our own problems for a while. Good luck.
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