U1987 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 So I went out with this girl from my class after our summer course finals that I mentioned here on Thusday (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/newthread.php?do=newthread&f=5). We just went out for coffee. She was 10 minutes late, but it was because it she was shopping to get a new sun dress that she put on to wear out, so I thought that was a good sign (wanting to buy a new outfit to show off to me.) She also actually offered to buy and pay for my coffee. That was a little bit hard to read; I thought it was a good sign, and it opened the opportunity to offer to get her back on a second date. Then again, I've heard that some girls offer to pay for a guy on a first date to alleviate any sense of obligation to or reciprocation for him on the girls part. We sat outside. It really wasn't sunny, but she wore really big aviator sunglasses either way so it was difficult to read her facial expressions or eyes. We joked around a bit, told a few stories and learned about each other. I'm a bit worried I may have come off as trying too hard to impress her. I had told some stories of studying and traveling abroad. I had told my story of hanging out at at this really hot Japanese jazz club 2 years ago and chilling and talking with the musicians after, and discussing our theories as to why jazz is popular everywhere else in the world except in America where it was invented (I told her that because American English-language pop music is the most popular music in the world, English speaking Americans who grow up on it learn to listen to music lyrically. People in other countries listen to American pop, but because they don't speak English, they don't understand the lyrics so to them, Lady Gaga's or Kanye West's voice is just another instrument; they learn to listen to music instrumentally. Americans don't like jazz because jazz is more instrumental than lyrical, but that's the reason people in other countries like it.) I thought this would make way for a good conversation, but all this seemed to go over her head, so I felt a little embarrassed for having said it. Anyway our date, was only an hour. I felt like I would soon run out of things to say and I didn't want to hit an awkward silence, which is a real turn off for girls, so I cut the date and said I'd call her soon. Last night, I called. She didn't pick up, but it went straight to voicemail (no ringing) so I know she didn't just see my phone number and just decide not to pick it up. I told her that I remember how she liked sushi and there's a really upscale late night sushi place that's also next to a jazz club where I'd be going to see a band monday night. I offered to take her with. She texted me about an hour ago. Hey! Sry I just got back to you, my phone died last night and I had work all morning! It sounds like fun but I'm actually going to my bf's grandma's house for dinner so I don't think I'll be able to maybe another time" She mentioned a "bf," but a lot of girls casually mention "bf" as a test; to see if the guy's really serious about pursuing her, so I'm not convinced. What's the best way to ask her out for another night? Should I offer another date right now? Or wait for a few days?
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, that's lame. I've never heard of girls using a BF as a test to see how interested the guy is. Normally BF is used to scare the guy away. In your times talking with her you didn't ask if she was seeing anyone? There are really easy ways to do it in the first conversation you have with her.
Author U1987 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, that's lame. I've never heard of girls using a BF as a test to see how interested the guy is. Normally BF is used to scare the guy away. In your times talking with her you didn't ask if she was seeing anyone? No, it didn't occur to me to ask her, but even if it did, I don't see how she could. This 9 week summer course completely dominated our lives; 6-hrs-a-day, 5-days-a-week + homework, studying and lab reports. Even she admitted, her social life evaporated completely; some kids had to quit their jobs or even turn down job offers to have enough time for this class.
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) Being really busy for 9 weeks isn't something to end a relationship over. So while I doubt she got a new boyfriend in that time period, there's no reason why shouldn't have kept her current one. It's your call if you want to keep pursuing her or not. Personally, whenever I hear a girl mention boyfriend. She's dead to me. Either she has a boyfriend, or she's trying to keep you away. BTW if you haven't texted her back yet. Send something like this, "You're going to your best friend's house for dinner That's cute." Essentially, playing dumb. There is a 99% chance she will message you back, "No I'm going to my boyfriends grandma's house." From then on you decide where you want to go with it. Edited July 17, 2011 by somedude81
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 What's the best way to ask her out for another night? Should I offer another date right now? Or wait for a few days? Dunno about that, but I'd start with something like "You have a boyfriend?" since that seems to be the piece of information you're looking for.
Author U1987 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Dunno about that, but I'd start with something like "You have a boyfriend?" since that seems to be the piece of information you're looking for. To be perfectly honest, I really don't care much if she actually does have a boyfriend; people leave their partners to date new people all the time. I've dated girls who broke up with their bf's to date me, I've broken up with gf's to date new girls and a girl has broken up with me to date a new guy. It's no big deal. My main concern is scoring a second date, regardless of whether or not she actually has a bf.
Author U1987 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 If she didn't engage you on this, and this is the kinda stuff you like to talk about, then I think you know enough to conclude that this is not going to work out for you. But I will say that it is possible that you weren't going over her head with this, because what you were saying was too smart for her or some other silly thing. It is possible that she recognized that you are full of **** on this point. I remember hearing somewhere that jazz makes up only 3% of record sales in the US while it's like %15-%20 in other countries. But she is a tiny bit ditsy; I told her how I had applied for an internship at the US embassy in South Korea once (didn't get it), and she was like "South Korea? Is that the good one or the bad one?" and "Aren't there like a billion people there?" I laughed, but I cringed on the inside.
Author U1987 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Anyway, how does this sound? Completely ignoring that she said she had a bf? I'll text back "Well I gotta get you back for that coffee sometime haha." The thing is, do I suggest a time and date? Or ask when she's free?
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Anyway, how does this sound? Completely ignoring that she said she had a bf? I'll text back "Well I gotta get you back for that coffee sometime haha." The thing is, do I suggest a time and date? Or ask when she's free? At least you didn't use "lol". Do both... something along the lines of "How about Thursday evening? or let me know when you're free." Generally, women who are interested will make sure you know it, so she'll either agree to Thursday or suggest a time or you'll know she's not interested.
Shaun-Dro Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Anyway, how does this sound? Completely ignoring that she said she had a bf? I'll text back "Well I gotta get you back for that coffee sometime haha." The thing is, do I suggest a time and date? Or ask when she's free? Why would you waste your time with a girl that says she has a man? I find it ridiculous unless you just wanna take her to bed? There's just so many others out there available.
Nexus One Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) Should I offer another date right now? Or wait for a few days? If a girl would have pulled on me what that girl pulled on you, she would never see me again. What the f*ck is she thinking? 1. You don't go out on a date with a guy letting him think you're single, while in reality you have a boyfriend. 2. What do you think her boyfriend thinks about her dating other guys? 3. Even if you win her over to become your girlfriend, who's to say she wouldn't pull the same sh*t on you that she pulled on her previous boyfriend? No man, as a guy you shouldn't accept games like that. Even if she's "testing" you by mentioning a boyfriend...what kind of ridiculous test is that? For many guys a girl that has a boyfriend is simply off limits. In my opinion she was/is f*cking with you in a way that you shouldn't accept. She pulled a d*ck move. Edited July 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Author U1987 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Why would you waste your time with a girl that says she has a man? She's hot. I find it ridiculous unless you just wanna take her to bed. You nailed it.
utterer of lies Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 She's hot. You nailed it. You are turning into one goal.
Author U1987 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 If she didn't engage you on this, and this is the kinda stuff you like to talk about, then I think you know enough to conclude that this is not going to work out for you. But I will say that it is possible that you weren't going over her head with this, because what you were saying was too smart for her or some other silly thing. It is possible that she recognized that you are full of **** on this point. I found it especially funny that your examples were of Lady Gaga and Kanye West, two artists whom lyrically you can't understand half the time. And that listeners can find pop music enjoyable even if they don't understand the lyrics probably says a lot more about the inherent catchiness of the music (regardless of lyrical content) than it does about the people listening to it -- it is curious that you use an example of what two people have in common to try and argue how they are different. Not to mention that the popularity of "popular music" is tautological, and tangential to the history of Jazz music in the United States. Either genre could be enjoyed by the same culture at the same time. And finally, clearly you don't live where I do, because I find that plenty of Americans do like Jazz. Man, do you even hold a single opinion that isn't aggravating and shallowly considered? Have you ever been to jazz clubs abroad? It's mostly hip, young people. Here in the US, the average jazz club is filled with mostly aging jazz-cats plus the occasional young hipster music school student.
sm1tten Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 a) this doesn't sound like a date. Therefore your goal should be actually attaining a "date" and not a one-off meeting for coffee b) I have never met a girl who mentioned a boyfriend as a test. Mentioning a boyfriend is the verbal equivalent of either giving you a cold shower or setting you up for emotional tampon status. c) you sound pretentious, not impressive, in writing and since I can't *hear* you I can't help you with that... but I can promise you that where I live there is a pretty diverse crowd listening to jazz music. Go ahead and pursue. This sounds like a dud to me, though.
ptp Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 OP, nothing in your original post suggests to me that she is interested in you. Maybe it was different actually being there but, it doesn't come of that way in your post. Sounds like a girl who had a cup of coffee with a guy, nothing more. Also, if you are doing most of the talking on a 1st "date" that isn't a good sign. Another red flag is she didn't seem interested what you were saying. Lastly she might actually have a bf or she might be making one up, regardless to me that means stop not try harder. What makes you think she is testing you? I have never had a girl test me by telling she has a bf. Sounds to me like your reaching.
catchthedrift Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 i used this strategy a hundred times... she's not into you, so she makes up a boyfriend. nothing else to read into there. it is as simple as that.
serial muse Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) I've never heard of ANYONE saying they have a boyfriend as a test. But I have heard of plenty of women who say they have a boyfriend to get out of going on a date with someone. Don't overcomplicate and overthink things. She sent you the message that she's not interested. It's done, seriously. I know you didn't ask for any opinions on this, but...do you realize that in your OP you didn't say anything about what she said or thought about anything? She didn't respond to your ideas on jazz, but did you talk about her ideas about anything? Or were you doing all the talking? Because...nobody wants to buy a cute sundress to go out on a date and discover they were actually attending a lecture on music theory. In other words - I really think you might have bored her. Maybe that means you're not a good match. If she was serious about South Korea, that's something to consider. But if your goal really was just to get her into bed, or even (!!) to someday develop a relationship with her, then... ...maybe it means you should rethink your approach to light banter on a first date. At the first sign that she's not interested in your jazz theories, cut bait. Change the subject and figure out what interests her instead of yourself. Read her cues better. Also something to consider. Edited July 20, 2011 by serial muse
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I know you didn't ask for any opinions on this, but...do you realize that in your OP you didn't say anything about what she said or thought about anything? She didn't respond to your ideas on jazz, but did you talk about her ideas about anything? Or were you doing all the talking? Because...nobody wants to buy a cute sundress to go out on a date and discover they were actually attending a lecture on music theory. In other words - I really think you might have bored her. This OP has told us many, many times that he has absolutely no interest in anything a girl / woman has to say; that everything pertinent will have been covered within the first hour or two of "getting to know" someone, and he just bothers with it in order to manage to have casual sex. I don't think he's been successful. Ever.
serial muse Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This OP has told us many, many times that he has absolutely no interest in anything a girl / woman has to say; that everything pertinent will have been covered within the first hour or two of "getting to know" someone, and he just bothers with it in order to manage to have casual sex. I don't think he's been successful. Ever. Haha, yeah, I remembered the OP's history about five minutes after I posted this...you're right. So, doesn't much matter what I say either, probably.
Yamaha Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 She's hot. You nailed it. I'll give you points 4 being honest. IME, when a bf is mentioned she is telling you she's not available 4 f***ing but might let you buy her dinner when the bf is busy.
rafallus Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I've never heard of ANYONE saying they have a boyfriend as a test. I know of some women, who make up boyfriend, because they are undecided, and want a guy to prove his worth. Or to reject him altogether. Anyway, if a girl is interested, she won't make it too hard for you.
Recommended Posts