Nadine22 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 It's been a month and a half since the breakup - he broke up with me because he said we were going on differant paths and didn't want a serious relationship right now and I did. Previous to the brake up he said he was trying to change things in his life so that he could give me what I wanted. He's been in school and working and caring for his daughter and feels he is not in the right place to give me what I want. We were on and off for 3 years. I've remained no contact since the breakup and so its been a month and a half. We have broken up before alot of times but I have always resumed contact and we would end up back together. I'm having a hard time staying no contact because its the longest we've been in no contact and I somehow feel he regrets or might want to come back but is too scared because I told him thats it..I was moving on to someone that could give me what I want and deserve...Its been on and off for 3 years like this~!!! please any advice appreciated. Tell me no contact is the right way to go...because I have such urges to break it.
BrokenFool Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Nadine Like yourself I have been in an on/off LDR with my ex she broke up with me in Jan and i got the whole i dont love you anymore end of discussion one minute she was saying she still had feelings for me and wouldnt deny it, the next she wasnt going to text/reply back to my messages because my warped mind would think oh shes replied that means she cares etc etc in march after 6-7 weeks nc i broke and contacted her to be told by her via text she had a new boyfriend and was happy with him, more happier than she was with me and to leave her alone etc now i know for 90% fact she had only said that to get me to stop texting her because she felt we dont work and this on/off cycle for 3 years had to end so i begged and pleaded for a week then went NC , now in week 16 in these weeks i have had private number calls, anonymous profile checking my linkedin on a regular basis, her changing her facebook profile pics regularly and now she is checking whatsapp every 2 hours for 1 minute at a time, possibly checking up on me to see when i was last online am i gonna break nc NO am i gonna respond to these breadcrumbs NO do i love her MORE THAN ANYTHING do i die without her everyday YES i would give anything to be with her but i have finally realised if i want any chance of a long term relationship with her i have to stick to NC and let her come to me just like that I would say in your situation give it time, it hurts to stay away from the one you love but YOU have to do it come on here and vent but give him space to figure out what you mean to him Now please let me ask you a question - as a girl on the opposite side of the spectrum, if you were my ex and after how you had behaved and the things you had said etc would you be scared to contact me , scared of what to say to me ? how to get us talking again ? what is your opinion on the little things she is doing to try get my reaction
geegirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) I somehow feel he regrets or might want to come back but is too scared because I told him thats it..I was moving on to someone that could give me what I want and deserve...Its been on and off for 3 years like this~!!! please any advice appreciated. Tell me no contact is the right way to go...because I have such urges to break it. So, what signs are telling you that he regrets and may want to come back aside from your excuse that you are "feeling" it which is most likely your fear that he's not making an effort to come back thus you are losing him? He's broken up with you. Can't give you what you want. You've broken NC and gone back because of your fear. He takes you back only because you go back. So, yes, you should break contact, if you want to go back to the same cycle again. I don't see him banging on your door. Don't go banging on his. Edited July 17, 2011 by geegirl
Author Nadine22 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Nadine Like yourself I have been in an on/off LDR with my ex she broke up with me in Jan and i got the whole i dont love you anymore end of discussion one minute she was saying she still had feelings for me and wouldnt deny it, the next she wasnt going to text/reply back to my messages because my warped mind would think oh shes replied that means she cares etc etc in march after 6-7 weeks nc i broke and contacted her to be told by her via text she had a new boyfriend and was happy with him, more happier than she was with me and to leave her alone etc now i know for 90% fact she had only said that to get me to stop texting her because she felt we dont work and this on/off cycle for 3 years had to end so i begged and pleaded for a week then went NC , now in week 16 in these weeks i have had private number calls, anonymous profile checking my linkedin on a regular basis, her changing her facebook profile pics regularly and now she is checking whatsapp every 2 hours for 1 minute at a time, possibly checking up on me to see when i was last online am i gonna break nc NO am i gonna respond to these breadcrumbs NO do i love her MORE THAN ANYTHING do i die without her everyday YES i would give anything to be with her but i have finally realised if i want any chance of a long term relationship with her i have to stick to NC and let her come to me just like that I would say in your situation give it time, it hurts to stay away from the one you love but YOU have to do it come on here and vent but give him space to figure out what you mean to him Now please let me ask you a question - as a girl on the opposite side of the spectrum, if you were my ex and after how you had behaved and the things you had said etc would you be scared to contact me , scared of what to say to me ? how to get us talking again ? what is your opinion on the little things she is doing to try get my reaction Wow - sounds like the girl doesn't know what she wants and she waivers back and forth. regarding your question "on the opposite side of the spectrum" I believe she is scared to contact you for sure - that is why she is trying to indirectly prompt you into contacting her. She knows she hurt you - she may have said she had a boyfriend just to try to end the situation with you. Honestly, I think she's afraid you will do to her what she did to you. She is scared. but to bad so sad. You put yourself out there and broke no contact and got hurt. I think she will cave...that's my opinion. Dont' you be the one to contact her. She will sooner or later find some lame exuse to contact you...that's what I think.
Author Nadine22 Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 So, what signs are telling you that he regrets and may want to come back aside from your excuse that you are "feeling" it which is most likely your fear that he's not making an effort to come back thus you are losing him? He's broken up with you. Can't give you what you want. You've broken NC and gone back because of your fear. He takes you back only because you go back. So, yes, you should break contact, if you want to go back to the same cycle again. I don't see him banging on your door. Don't go banging on his. Wow - great questions. I don't have any direct signs he regrets lol...all I know is from past experience. I have broken up with him many many times over his level of particapation in the relationship. The last time we broke up - I caved after 1 month and he responded very positivly and told me he missed me so much etc etc... and he was trying to meet up with me etc. We met up...were together...then I laid it on him again re: serious relationship and he said he was working fulltime /school/ and daughter and he just felt we were going on differant paths. He said he couldn't be friends because he likes me more then a friend and it would be to hard for him. I accepted all of it and told him I would find someone who could give me what I needed. Wasn't going to waist anymore time. I think because he's sort of had me on and off for 3 years that maybe he doesn't think he will really loose me. Hes insecure and if he thinks I am giving up and moving on with someone else he will be to scared to contact me because this crap has been going on so long. I'm fed up. However, maybe you are right~!!! do you think he would contact me if he felt he made a mistake and I might be with someone else ...or am I making exuses and lying to myself that actually if he really loved me regardless of my situation he would find a way and I need to stop doing the work for him. thank you for your feedback by the way. its very helpful
geegirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 He may love you and care for you Nadine but not enough to give you what you want. That's why he never contacts you because he knows he can't offer you anything. He lets you in openly and willingly because you want to walk in knowing the terms of the situation. He is not going to turn you away because while he loves you, your return is an indication that you are willing to comply and that's works for him. Whether he is insecure or not if you are moving on, it's not your problem. If he wants to put in the effort and fight for you, you wouldn't even have to make that statement. People do what they need to do when they want to be with someone. Who wants to be with someone who is too scared to fight for you and make it work? And you're not the one who is giving up. He broke up with you, remember? If he wants you, he will come for you. Stop making excuses for him. Stop doing the work for him. You make it too easy for him not to want to fight for you. Why would he want to even make an effort when there is no need to. After all, you're right there running back after every month. If he can't give you what you want and has not shown you in action that he wants to work at it, you seriously need to move forward.
Author Nadine22 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Thank you so much...I needed to hear that. I think I'm making exuses...damn. My phone was cut off for a few days and I've even tried to convince myself that he probably called then...and now is to scared to try again(my phone is up and running lol) gosh, the things we tell ourselves to hold on to hope. Its sad. thank you for being honest... I feel almost addicted - I don't even know if I want my ex back so much or if I just can't handle NOT being able to have contact. Its crazy...
BrokenFool Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Nadine - be strong your doing well, the best things in life are worth waiting for , anything that comes easy isnt worth it imagine your trying to get out of a parked space youve edged forward edged forward and their is no way you are going to be able to get out of this gap by moving forward or else you are going to clip the other persons car so you have to reverse back in order to go forward ie with this guy you need to take a step back in order to move forward with him in my situation which is similar to yours, she logs on to whatsapp every couple of hours for 5 mins exact every single time, never more never less, the whatsapp people tell me it takes the system 5 minutes to log you out once you have exited the application this means she is on that app for less than 10 seconds , i wonder what the hell is she doing then i figure she must be checking up on me to see when was the last time i logged on to the app, so i stop using my app 3 weeks ago, she is still using the app exactly in the same way , my poor heart tells me she is still wanting to check up on me hoping she will log on and it will say i was last online a few hours ago etc when really god knows why shes logging on - thats how your heart fools you in thinking something which might not be true , she changes her facebook profile pic i use logic and think she deleted me and blocked me from her facebook so the pic change she has done is it for me ??? i use the logic if she just wanted to put pics up she could add them to a album on facebook for all her friends to see on there , why make it your profile pic ? unless your wanting someone whos not on your friends list to be able to see the picture - again i could be completely wrong he may have rang you when your phone was off, he may not have aswell i suppose what i am saying is dont fall into the trap and assume and then make a move , unless he isnt contacting you straight out and telling you he values you and wants to talk about reconciliation dont you make a move cos on that road all you will find is pain and anguis and it will set you back so badly i read what you said about my situation and hope your right when you say she will cave in and contact me ,what i forgot to tell you is in 3 years i was dumped over 100 times, every 5-6 weeks always my fault , before my birthdays, christmas, exams , ignored like a dog so i dont really think she would give a hoot that i have disappeared would you disagree with me ?? if you had a guy who in your own words was 90% perfect for you , had treated you so well done so many special things for you including driving 600 miles just to see you for 30 minutes and you had been a cow to him after some time had passed would you not look back and regret or not give a hoot ????
geegirl Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Thank you so much...I needed to hear that. I think I'm making exuses...damn. My phone was cut off for a few days and I've even tried to convince myself that he probably called then...and now is to scared to try again(my phone is up and running lol) gosh, the things we tell ourselves to hold on to hope. Its sad. thank you for being honest... I feel almost addicted - I don't even know if I want my ex back so much or if I just can't handle NOT being able to have contact. Its crazy... It is actually an addiction. And the more toxic/unhealthy/"rollercoastery", the worse the addiction. If you are aware of things like that, as in not even sure if you want him vs. not having contact, use that to rationalize yourself out of the withdrawals you are going through. It's good that you are seeing it two ways versus "Wahhhh, I love him I want him I am going to die." Your brain is kicking in. Start using that to your advantage. If a man/woman wants you, you wouldn't hear silence! You're trying to talk yourself into believing that there is something there, when in fact there isn't. On and off for 3 years?? Please don't waste another 3 years of your life trying to jump start this man into wanting a relationship with you. The next 3 years should be best spent healing and getting yourself together for the next man that's going to come a calling. Life is too short for you to be waiting for someone to make up his mind about choosing you.
Recommended Posts