mcfuzz Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Hi everyone, I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and I think I am ready to post my story and hopefully get some advice and support. We have been dating for ten years, and lived togther for four. We were about to buy a house together when she dropped the bombshell and said that she was not happy in the relationship anymore. We had grown apart and she saw me more as a brother than as a boyfriend. I kinda agree with her on that, but felt we could work on that side of things We spent the next few days apart, and when we met up again I sorta begged her to give us two weeks to try and fix things. Two weeks were up, and she wanted to split for good. So now a couple of weeks later she has now moved most her stuff out of the house we shared, which makes the place feel really empty. I have good and bad days in terms of how I feel, but mostly feel sad and lonely. See came round today and we had another big heart to heart, she is a bit annoyed that my parents have not asked how she was, whereas her dad texted me. I'm still not sure where her head is with us, as she kept getting upset. Just as she was about to leave, I asked for her house keys back, so that she does not keep coming round and getting her stuff when I am not there, when she got really upset again. I explained to her that it was making me feel uncomfortable that her stuff was slowly disapperaring from the house without me knowing, but she just got upset and left the house. In fairness she has got the majority of her things now, so she should not really have a reason to come round. I'm trying to feel positive about things, but at the minute I am feeling pretty low. I guess any comments or support this forum could give would be welcome. Thanks for reading Mcfuzz
TaintedHeart Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Hi everyone, I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and I think I am ready to post my story and hopefully get some advice and support. We have been dating for ten years, and lived togther for four. We were about to buy a house together when she dropped the bombshell and said that she was not happy in the relationship anymore. We had grown apart and she saw me more as a brother than as a boyfriend. I kinda agree with her on that, but felt we could work on that side of things We spent the next few days apart, and when we met up again I sorta begged her to give us two weeks to try and fix things. Two weeks were up, and she wanted to split for good. So now a couple of weeks later she has now moved most her stuff out of the house we shared, which makes the place feel really empty. I have good and bad days in terms of how I feel, but mostly feel sad and lonely. See came round today and we had another big heart to heart, she is a bit annoyed that my parents have not asked how she was, whereas her dad texted me. I'm still not sure where her head is with us, as she kept getting upset. Just as she was about to leave, I asked for her house keys back, so that she does not keep coming round and getting her stuff when I am not there, when she got really upset again. I explained to her that it was making me feel uncomfortable that her stuff was slowly disapperaring from the house without me knowing, but she just got upset and left the house. In fairness she has got the majority of her things now, so she should not really have a reason to come round. I'm trying to feel positive about things, but at the minute I am feeling pretty low. I guess any comments or support this forum could give would be welcome. Thanks for reading Mcfuzz Maybe giving you the keys makes it final, which is really scary even if she's the one that ended the relationship, try NC, give her and yourself some thinking space.
Author mcfuzz Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Maybe giving you the keys makes it final, which is really scary even if she's the one that ended the relationship, try NC, give her and yourself some thinking space. I was scared saying it to be honest, as it made things even more final in my head. I think I had to do it though, as at least this way it make the place feel more like my own space. The only problem with NC at the moment is that we need to meet up to close down the joint account. I guess that will be another really hard moment, as that will be cutting one of the last ties between us. I have booked a trip to Ibiza with me and my brother for a week, in 3 weeks, so I am hoping that will help clear my head and help me decide what to do. Thanks for your comment
brokendreamz Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I too was left after a long term relationship (8 years) and it sucks. Out of interest - how old are you guys? I was 33 she 28. Any way. I would suggest you get all her stuff together and when you have to meet up to close the account (if you're sure you can't do it with a letter to the bank?) give her the box and CUT ALL CONTACT. This is one of the hardest things to do and I didn't do it and REALLY (and I mean RRRREEEEAAAALLLLLYYYY) regret it. I don't know what the situation is with everything you two are going through, but for me I now suspect there was a third party involved. She was unsure wether she really wanted to hook up with this other guy and me hanging on to her shirt tails gave her a safety net - she knew that if it didn't work with the other fella, she could have me back. We had a house and had lived together for 7.5 of those 8 years. Her leaving was the single worst experience of my life, I'm 6 months out now and although the pain is no where near as intense, I still think about her too much. If I had gone no contact from the beginning I would be way further along now. Any way; Go no contact, work on yourself and DO NOT ANSWER ANY EMAILES TEXTS ETC from her unless she is literally BEGGING you to forgive her and come back. Trust me - no good will come from contact with her. This will get better - even for us long termers. I can't believe I will never see my ex Fiance again, but I know it's for the best. Good luck
Author mcfuzz Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I too was left after a long term relationship (8 years) and it sucks. Out of interest - how old are you guys? I was 33 she 28. Any way. I would suggest you get all her stuff together and when you have to meet up to close the account (if you're sure you can't do it with a letter to the bank?) give her the box and CUT ALL CONTACT. This is one of the hardest things to do and I didn't do it and REALLY (and I mean RRRREEEEAAAALLLLLYYYY) regret it. I don't know what the situation is with everything you two are going through, but for me I now suspect there was a third party involved. She was unsure wether she really wanted to hook up with this other guy and me hanging on to her shirt tails gave her a safety net - she knew that if it didn't work with the other fella, she could have me back. We had a house and had lived together for 7.5 of those 8 years. Her leaving was the single worst experience of my life, I'm 6 months out now and although the pain is no where near as intense, I still think about her too much. If I had gone no contact from the beginning I would be way further along now. Any way; Go no contact, work on yourself and DO NOT ANSWER ANY EMAILES TEXTS ETC from her unless she is literally BEGGING you to forgive her and come back. Trust me - no good will come from contact with her. This will get better - even for us long termers. I can't believe I will never see my ex Fiance again, but I know it's for the best. Good luck Thanks for the message. So I'm 30 and she is 28. We were 20 and 18 when we first met. I called the bank and they said it would be quicker if we could both do it in person at the same time, so I figured better to do it quicker than let it drag on for too long. I am definitely seeing a lot of comments around the NC route, so I think once the bank account is sorted and she takes the rest of her stuff, I won’t have reason to contact her, so I will go NC at that point. My trip to Ibiza should help too In terms of our situation, she has sworn that there is no one else, and I don’t have any clues that suggests she was cheating on me. From the relationship side, I do feel things had drifted between us for a good few months, so I don’t feel quite as shocked as I did a few weeks ago once I had thought about things. In my head, I still think we could have made a good go of things, but also if she feels like this now, whos to say she wont again in a years time, which means a wasted year for me. Anyway I'm glad to hear that you are moving on from your break-up, its reading about how other people are moving on which is inspiring me to think that the world is not over... Thanks
Bito Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Man Ibiza sounds like a blast right now. Never been but always wanted to go
Author mcfuzz Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Man Ibiza sounds like a blast right now. Never been but always wanted to go Yeah should be awesome, got about 5 or 6 clubs I wanna go to. At least the weather should be better than here in the UK
Author mcfuzz Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) So today was quite tough, I woke up in quite a crappy moody and it took me most of the morning to snap out of it. I threw myself into work, which helped a bit, I just got a bit sad when I heard all my work colleagues telling me how great a weekend they had, and mostly with their other halves or families. I feel a bit better this evening, I booked an appointment with the optician to see about getting contact lenses, maybe a change in appearance will help with my confidence. I'm also considering getting some counselling, as my work provides a free helpline. All in all, a bit of a rollercoaster of a day. Edited July 18, 2011 by mcfuzz
carhill Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 OP, compare her emotional state during the 'bombshell' to that later when she was 'annoyed' and 'upset'. Interesting how she easily found a place to live, assuming not with her parents. Is she one to prefer 'keeping up appearances'? The advice given regarding quick and clean is sound, IMO. On the one hand, you don't have the long, drawn out complexities of a divorce. OTOH, it's over so quick it leaves your mind reeling. It's a death either way. My sympathies. Were you planning on going to Ibiza solo prior or was she going with you? No doubt it'll be fun this time of year but watch out for getting blindsided by emotions in the midst of it. Good luck.
Tolan Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I have a pretty good idea what you are going though. My girlfriend of 10 years walked out on me why I was at work a little over 3 weeks ago. I am devastated. I moved across the country for her so we could be together. The only advice I have for you is stay away from the bottle. Thats what I choose not to do and its running my life. Everyone keeps saying it will be better and I am sure it will the problem is you don't want it to be better you just want her back. And the whole thing about not staying in contact its hard very hard. But from what i have learned over the last few weeks is its whats best. All you need to know is the sun will come up tomorrow and it will also set. Then just like it did the day before it will come back up.
Author mcfuzz Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 OP, compare her emotional state during the 'bombshell' to that later when she was 'annoyed' and 'upset'. Interesting how she easily found a place to live, assuming not with her parents. Actually she has moved back in with her parents, but she says she is looking for a flat as they are being to overbearing. She said that she will get a flat within a few weeks. The advice given regarding quick and clean is sound, IMO. On the one hand, you don't have the long, drawn out complexities of a divorce. OTOH, it's over so quick it leaves your mind reeling. It's a death either way. My sympathies. Yes thats the way it feels sometimes, like a massive hole has opened up in my life. Though doing lots of reading around to try and find ways of coping. As I said my mood is swinging between sad and postitive. Going to go NC this week and untill I have to contact her about closing the bank account on Saturday. Were you planning on going to Ibiza solo prior or was she going with you? No doubt it'll be fun this time of year but watch out for getting blindsided by emotions in the midst of it. Good luck. I booked Ibiza a week after she moved out, and I'm going with my brother. I have been meaning to go all my life, but she never was into the clubbing scene. I suspect I will get drunk a little when I am out there, but I think the music will be hopfully help, as generally I love the uplifting, euphoric trance sound. Thanks for the response
wilsonx Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 If I were you when you got to Ibiza and you are drinking, leave your phone not on your person or not in easy access to you. Only bad things can happen because of this
Author mcfuzz Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 I have a pretty good idea what you are going though. My girlfriend of 10 years walked out on me why I was at work a little over 3 weeks ago. I am devastated. I moved across the country for her so we could be together. The only advice I have for you is stay away from the bottle. Thats what I choose not to do and its running my life. Everyone keeps saying it will be better and I am sure it will the problem is you don't want it to be better you just want her back. And the whole thing about not staying in contact its hard very hard. But from what i have learned over the last few weeks is its whats best. All you need to know is the sun will come up tomorrow and it will also set. Then just like it did the day before it will come back up. Wow that's tough man, especially moving across the country for her. I see that this is your first post. Maybe share your story in another thread as well and get some support here. It seems an awesome place to do so and is already making me feel better about things. Love your quote about the sun, very apt and sometimes we all need to remember that life is brief so no point wallowing in unhappiness for too long Cheers for your comment .
Author mcfuzz Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 If I were you when you got to Ibiza and you are drinking, leave your phone not on your person or not in easy access to you. Only bad things can happen because of this I will always probably lose it as well Out of sight out of mind huh?
fetish1980 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Hi everyone, I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and I think I am ready to post my story and hopefully get some advice and support. We have been dating for ten years, and lived togther for four. We were about to buy a house together when she dropped the bombshell and said that she was not happy in the relationship anymore. We had grown apart and she saw me more as a brother than as a boyfriend. I kinda agree with her on that, but felt we could work on that side of things We spent the next few days apart, and when we met up again I sorta begged her to give us two weeks to try and fix things. Two weeks were up, and she wanted to split for good. So now a couple of weeks later she has now moved most her stuff out of the house we shared, which makes the place feel really empty. I have good and bad days in terms of how I feel, but mostly feel sad and lonely. See came round today and we had another big heart to heart, she is a bit annoyed that my parents have not asked how she was, whereas her dad texted me. I'm still not sure where her head is with us, as she kept getting upset. Just as she was about to leave, I asked for her house keys back, so that she does not keep coming round and getting her stuff when I am not there, when she got really upset again. I explained to her that it was making me feel uncomfortable that her stuff was slowly disapperaring from the house without me knowing, but she just got upset and left the house. In fairness she has got the majority of her things now, so she should not really have a reason to come round. I'm trying to feel positive about things, but at the minute I am feeling pretty low. I guess any comments or support this forum could give would be welcome. Thanks for reading Mcfuzz totally understand what you're going through man. me and my girl of 8 years split up in february and she moved out of the apartment and coming to get her stuff (AND SOME OF MY DVDS) while i wasn't there. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. What really hurt was when she changed her facebook status from engaged to single. She was the main one talkling about marriage and my heart just literally fell to the floor when i discovered it that night. Through all that trauma and pain she put me through, i 've gotten better and got to the point where i'm feeling damn good about myself again. Then last month, she decides she wants me back. Well, hell yeah she wants me back because overall, while i had my share of faults, i was good to her and she knows it. Her leaving was an attempt to bully me and get off her back about the issues that i had with her. I had real issues that people looking to get married need to solve and she wasn't wanting to compromise. Now, i have a few girls lined up that i can call and i'm excited about life again. No more wasting away my youth (OR LIFE) on someone who ultimately proved that they can just walk out just after 8 years just because she didn't like me confronting her about her bad spending and gambling habits. I'm the real winner here and i have my confidence back and am excited about life. Lesson here: In February, i literally thought i was going to die from grief. I still hurt even months after that and sometimes still do. I think of her everyday but I'm putting me first and it feels great! Mcfuzz, this will pass! Just ride it out. fetish
KathyM Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Hi everyone, I have been reading this forum for a few days now, and I think I am ready to post my story and hopefully get some advice and support. We have been dating for ten years, and lived togther for four. We were about to buy a house together when she dropped the bombshell and said that she was not happy in the relationship anymore. We had grown apart and she saw me more as a brother than as a boyfriend. I kinda agree with her on that, but felt we could work on that side of things We spent the next few days apart, and when we met up again I sorta begged her to give us two weeks to try and fix things. Two weeks were up, and she wanted to split for good. So now a couple of weeks later she has now moved most her stuff out of the house we shared, which makes the place feel really empty. I have good and bad days in terms of how I feel, but mostly feel sad and lonely. See came round today and we had another big heart to heart, she is a bit annoyed that my parents have not asked how she was, whereas her dad texted me. I'm still not sure where her head is with us, as she kept getting upset. Just as she was about to leave, I asked for her house keys back, so that she does not keep coming round and getting her stuff when I am not there, when she got really upset again. I explained to her that it was making me feel uncomfortable that her stuff was slowly disapperaring from the house without me knowing, but she just got upset and left the house. In fairness she has got the majority of her things now, so she should not really have a reason to come round. I'm trying to feel positive about things, but at the minute I am feeling pretty low. I guess any comments or support this forum could give would be welcome. Thanks for reading Mcfuzz The problem with not getting married after a lengthy relationship is that it is too easy to leave it when an argument or problem arises. You should have tied the knot a long time ago. I bet you wouldn't be in this position if you had. The only thing you can do now is move on with your life and hope that when she goes out into the dating scene again, she'll realize thats not what she wants, and she'll want you back. She has to realize that for herself though. Just have to wait it out, but don't put your life on hold in the meantime.
timchambo Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Thought I would chime in here. I was with my ex-fiancee for nearly 8 years. We were in the midst of planning the wedding when she came home one day and told me she wants to be single. She changed her FB status to single immediately too. Should have been no surprise she met some guy at work and started up a relationship with him seemingly over night. This all happened over Christmas last year. The first couple months were incredibly difficult. The days got easier and easier. The pain is gone for the most part, but there is still a lingering feeling of unease still daily that can usually be masked when I keep busy. I cannot say whether or not this is normal, but I just wanted to give you a view into how I have progressed after just over 6 months. I also support the NC method. I did almost immediately and I think it greatly sped up the healing process.
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 IME, like the , women don't take a dump without a plan, much less end a relationship. Inevitably, that plan includes emotional and/or financial support of some sort, generally from another man. So far, all of my friends whose wives have divorced them, including my exW, fell right into the lap of another man, like overnight. I'm not saying that's evil, bad or illegal, just commenting that it is what it is. Expect it, kind of like the sun rising
Author mcfuzz Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 Well its been a few days since I last posted, so I thought I would do a quick update. ex GF has is now off the rental agreement, so only remaining tie is the joint account, which I am trying to get sorted ASAP. Feeling generally quite good, work is keeping me busy and have made plans to try and keep busy, going to see my mate in London on Saturday which should be good fun. House does still feel a bit strange, so I think when I get back from my holiday to Ibiza I will defo move out sooner rather than later. Difficult to go fully NC at the minute until we cut the last ties, but trying to limit contact to sorting out the admin. In the meantime I am just really looking forward to a week in the sun Thanks again for your support, I will keep everyone who is reading my thread updated with how things are going. Cheers Mcfuzz
Author mcfuzz Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Hello, Need a bit of reassurance about what I am currently doing at the minute, so would be grateful for any opinions / views... So my last big update was when I asked the ex for the keys to the house, which she handed over to me. The only stuff remaining in the house that belongs to her is the bed, a bookcase and a shoe storage unit with shoes. I kept the bed as she did not have anywhere to put it, plus I am awaiting a new one, which should be here this saturday. So she contacted me on Friday, asking to pick things up apart from the bed on Sunday, to which I said thats ok but my sister will be over. If it was easier she could come round monday evening (tonight). She did not confirm so I contacted her today (monday) and asked if she was coming round. Her response was no, but asked to have the key back for when I go away on holiday (two weeks) so she can get her bed. I have since given keys to my sister to look after, so I said she can contact my sister if she needs the bed when I am on holiday. From this, she got quite stressed and said she will just take all her stuff on Friday if I was free. I said probably not free then, but can do Saturday as thats when my new bed will be here, plus I have not planned anything that day anyway. Message back from her then said what other days are you free this week, as I just want my stuff back. I said the only day I am free is maybe Friday night or Saturday, as during the week I am trying to do stuff rather than sitting around feeling lonely. I put my foot down and said come round Saturday then you can get all your stuff once and for all. She finally agreed to that. SO...... My question is, do you think I handled that ok, trying not to let her push me around to much, but also trying to be a bit accomdating as it is her things. I dont want to have to change my plans to suit her, and I think she just got all upset/annoyed as I wont let her have a set of keys to get things when I am not here. I guess she does not want to face me, but maybe I am mis-reading the situation. Obviously the sooner all her stuff is gone, the sooner I can move on with my life too, but at the same time if she has to suffer a bit of inconvinenace I dont see why that should now be my problem. Anyways I feel a bit rubbish about the whole thing, so would be grateful for any messages etc about how I dealt with this. Cheers and thanks for reading Mcfuzz
brokendreamz Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 Sounds like you did ok mate. It's a **** situation so just try not to think too deeply about how you handled it. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. I kept reminding myself of that and found it a useful mantra! It doesn't matter It doesn't matter It doesn't matter. I'm not sure but it sounds like you will be seeing her on Saturday. I would suggest texting her at the last minute to say you have plans and that you'll leave the key out so she can get her stuff. Seeing her and realising that she is so indifferent will only put you back, I did this too many times and man it ****s with your head. Leave a key out for her, turn your phone off and go to the pub or hang with a mate till she's gone.
Author mcfuzz Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks for your comment brokendreamz,. I was trying to say to myself that it does not matter and it's not my problem, but I guess it is still prettt tough for me to be that cold towards her. But I suppose at the end of the day it was her that walked out on me and not the otherway around. I like the key idea, my only concern is that I dont really want to leave her in the house alone with all my belongings etc. At least if I see her on Saturday it will be the last time so I can move on from there...
brokendreamz Posted July 25, 2011 Posted July 25, 2011 You're not being cold towards her, you just need to focus on you at the moment and she will undo any work you are doing (she won't mean to, it's just how it is). Have a mate be in the flat or something - seriously, don't be there, nothing good can come of it and you will just be looking for the faintest flicker of hope that she'll change her mind. When that doesn't happen it's crushing. One of the other posters has a very apt signature: If ex wanted to be with you, then ex would be with you. Think about it! Sorry if I sound harsh, but I can see a lot of my situation mirroring yours and I really wish I'd kept no contact... No contact means NO contact!!
replicator Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I was in the same boat a few years ago. I struggled with it for a long time. Inevitably, you had dreams and hopes of being with that person. You sound like you're handling it well given the circumstances. I think it takes a lot to end a ten year relationship. There is always some kind of catalyst whether or not you're aware of what that was in your case. Hang in there..
Author mcfuzz Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 I was in the same boat a few years ago. I struggled with it for a long time. Inevitably, you had dreams and hopes of being with that person. You sound like you're handling it well given the circumstances. I think it takes a lot to end a ten year relationship. There is always some kind of catalyst whether or not you're aware of what that was in your case. Hang in there.. Thanks replicator. I can assure you this is not easy by any means... I guess I am dealing with it better as I always had some doubts about the relationship as well, so it did sort of clarify what I was thinking on the odd occasion. But I still really badly miss the lonelyness and comfort that a relationship brings. So quick(ish) update. The ex contacted me again today about when she can collect the bed and the last of her belongings and asked if Friday was ok. I said it was fine now, as I have no plans for that night so maybe better to get it over and done with. She then asked for the key again, which I replied that I was not happy her having a key now that I am trying to make this place my own home now. She was not happy, saying that I said that she could stay around when I am on holiday if she needed the space away from her parents. (I did say that two weeks ago, but think that is not a good idea at all!), called me crazy and left it at that. I still think I am doing the right thing, am not happy with her having a key to my place. She is a lovely girl and everything, but in the back of my mind there is no way that I can trust her to have a key to my place, my financials and anything else... Grrr! Well on the plus side I am going out for dinner with friends tonight and tommorrow, and its just over a week to go before I go off to Ibiza with my brother. Also I have started jogging three times a week, and plan to go for a good long cycle at the weekend, in-between having my new bed delivered and going to the optitions for some new contact lens (get rid of my glasses). New Me and all that Well again thanks for reading
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