Stupid Girl Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 So I've been broken up from my ex-fiance a couple weeks now, generally feeling pretty down and undesirable, so I decided to join a dating site for the first time, to "see what else is out there". I planned to stay on just a week and just look (I've deleted it by now), but I ended up being messaged by a gentleman who I couldn't not respond to. Just from looking at his profile, I was pretty sure we were soulmates. Good-looking, well-spoken (written?), almost every interest/like he listed was something I was interested in as well, and he is socially/environmentally aware. We messaged back and forth for a bit and it was clear we had a lot to say to each other, so we decided to meet. That took place yesterday. We were meeting in a park, and I saw him sitting on a bench by the entrance waiting for me. He looked just like his pictures (maybe even better), so I knew it was him right away. So I went up to him, big smile, said hello, and he stood up and responded. And that's when the curveball was thrown. He had a very effeminate, soft voice, and a bit of a "gay lisp" (I know it may not be PC to say that term, but that's what it's filed under on Wikipedia). We hung out for a few hours, just walking around and talking, and he seemed really into me. We talked about our past relationships, both of which had been super long term (his ended because she cheated). He never made any indication whatsoever that he was actually gay, but it was all I could think in my head because of the voice. After I got home, he texted me that he had a good time, thought we had a great connection, and wanted to take it further. Reading those typed up words made me feel almost giddy because he does seem like a great guy and he looks amazing on paper. But why in the world would he have a gay lisp? Whenever I've heard people like that, I just assume they're gay. Is it possible to have the lisp and not be gay? I would never want to end up one of those people who gets married to someone everyone else thinks is gay, then 10 years down the road they belatedly realize they're gay too, and you're left in the dust. Anyone thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I've met plenty of gay guys who didn't have the lisp, but never met a guy with the lisp who wasn't gay. Tread carefully... Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) i've had experience with this, i worked in radio in my younger years and of course everyone who would ever be on the air was criticized about any accents or improper speech habits they had, and was expected to correct them, it was part of the job. the thing with people is their speech habits come from somewhere, you can't really jump to conclusions about where, without knowing them better. in my case it was growing up in the south, i had that southern 'twang' because my family has it, and i had to learn to get rid of it on demand when i was on the air. for me it was as simple as hearing myself taped and played back (which i had never really done before then), and making a personal effort to get rid of the accent, i did it myself without any outside help. from what you say about his political/social circle and beliefs it may just be that he's involved with activities, charities, etc that involve gay men, and he picked it up from them because they're his friends. or the worst, as andy suggested, is he's one of them and is closet dating or bisexual or some such. the only way to know is to bring it up to him and see what he says. you have to tread lightly to do your best not to offend him, by pointing out that you're not a homophobe or unattracted to him, it's just something that you can't help but notice and you want to know where it comes from. if he responds any way but negatively make that suggestion to him, record him speaking and let him hear himself. he may be as shocked at what he hears as i was and make an effort on his own to correct it. hell, while you're at it do it with him, you might find something in your own speech habits that you don't like and want to correct as well. it can be done and it's not that difficult for most people as long as it's not a physical flaw that causes the strange speech habit. i would use the analogy that people hire trainers to help them work out at the gym, and this is not really any different. there's no shame in someone else helping you improve your public speaking skills for the same reasons. good luck! let us know how it goes. Edited July 17, 2011 by thatone Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 A lisp is a speech impediment, not an indicator of one's sexuality. I don't understand how lisps became associated with being gay. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I can't answer your gay lisp question, maybe he's just not a macho type? Men can be effeminate in some ways without being gay. Seems really soon to be meeting someone new 2 weeks after an LTR, especially as you were engaged, maybe friendship with men is more important right now? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 The OP isn't talking about a speech impediment http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_lisp A lisp is a speech impediment, not an indicator of one's sexuality. I don't understand how lisps became associated with being gay. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedHeart Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Doesn't mean he's camp, or gay, maybe he just talks 'nicely' Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I can't answer your gay lisp question, maybe he's just not a macho type? Men can be effeminate in some ways without being gay. Seems really soon to be meeting someone new 2 weeks after an LTR, especially as you were engaged, maybe friendship with men is more important right now? i don't think that really applies, i'm not the macho type either, but i speak like a man is supposed to speak. i don't see it any differently than wearing certain clothes to certain events, or shaking hands and making eye contact with another man in a certain way when meeting them. there are certain ways that men behave and carry themselves. this is one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Who cares? If he's a great guy, get to know him more and find out more about him. Why dwell on one tiny little thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I read that the only way to tell is to get him in bed (but don't do that before the time is right.) A straight guy will rub your vagina, enjoy eating you out, probably enjoy smelling it and tasting it and looking at it. While gay men can have sex with a woman, but will otherwise usually avoid your vagina and seem almost grossed out by it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 OP, did you happen to catch the Indy 500 victory lane interview with , in the linked clip giving a post-race interview, where he was crying and sounded markedly like a girl with his high pitched voice? I noted a number of classic 'effeminate' mannerisms and behaviors in his style and reactions to the very emotional circumstances surrounding his current personal life and unexpected victory. Is he 'less' of a man because of them? IDK, ask his wife and kids. My vote would be to get to know the man better. If he appears to be attracted to men and exhibits gay behaviors, then the stereotypical lisp may have traction; if other, it is what it is, a pattern of speech. See how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Just out of pure curosity..Why go dating and meeting new people so quickly after ending your engagement? I'm not judging .. I just am concerned that you're not giving yourself time to be alone and grieve the loss of your relationship. How can you fall for someone so quickly after 2 weeks of ending it with someone else? Anyway, if this guy has that type of lisp, it's something you'll have to get used to. IF it bothers you, keep him as a friend. You sure he isn't gay or bi? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stupid Girl Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 thatone: thank you so much for your insight. I will need to bring it up, but it's hard to find a way to ask without sounding insulting. grkboy: his not being attracted to women wouldn't really be a "tiny thing" in the perspective of a heterosexual relationship. I'm not saying I necessarily have anything against his voice, but like Andy, I've never heard someone with the lisp who was not gay. carhill: thanks - the indy gentleman's voice is similar in pitch, but he's lacking that particular "lisp" that gay people tend to have - more like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqSlPQkz9Sw heaven, whichway: I agree with you both, it is definitely too soon for me to be in a relationship again. That wasn't my intention in joining that site, I was just surprised that someone that seemed to similar had found me and wanted to talk more, it seemed like something I shouldn't pass up. I'm not looking to start a new relationship anytime soon, but I'm also not adverse to get to know people for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I read that the only way to tell is to get him in bed (but don't do that before the time is right.) A straight guy will rub your vagina, enjoy eating you out, probably enjoy smelling it and tasting it and looking at it. While gay men can have sex with a woman, but will otherwise usually avoid your vagina and seem almost grossed out by it. Not sure I agree with this. If gay men can tongue bungholes they can lick vagina. Link to post Share on other sites
kalikula Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 To me that's a dealbreaker. My boyfriend doesn't have a deep "manly" voice and that's fine with me, but I could never date someone who had an effeminate "gay lisp". It's just too distracting. Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Is it weird that I sometimes wish I had a higher-pitched voice. My voice is very deep and as a result doesn't carry well so people often have a hard time hearing me in noisy environments even if I am talking really loud. Link to post Share on other sites
TuffCookieX Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 To me that's a dealbreaker. My boyfriend doesn't have a deep "manly" voice and that's fine with me, but I could never date someone who had an effeminate "gay lisp". It's just too distracting. I agree with this. I know some very attractive men who have the gay lisp but I could never be attracted TO them. Every guy I've known with this "lisp" (which really just sounds like a feminine way of talking, especially the way they use the letter s) has eventually come out of the closet. The other night my friend introduced me to some her her male friends, and my gaydar went off the wall for one of them. Not only did he have the gay lisp, he had very feminine mannerisms, even the way he moved shouted "GAY!" There was nothing wrong with this, however after hearing his conversation, he was talking about girls and it became clear that he had never been with a man. I'm waiting for the day for this man to admit to being gay. That might sound really wrong, but I have never been wrong about a person's sexuality, including my younger cousin who finally came out of the closet after 18 years of hiding it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 thatone: thank you so much for your insight. I will need to bring it up, but it's hard to find a way to ask without sounding insulting. grkboy: his not being attracted to women wouldn't really be a "tiny thing" in the perspective of a heterosexual relationship. I'm not saying I necessarily have anything against his voice, but like Andy, I've never heard someone with the lisp who was not gay. carhill: thanks - the indy gentleman's voice is similar in pitch, but he's lacking that particular "lisp" that gay people tend to have - more like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqSlPQkz9Sw heaven, whichway: I agree with you both, it is definitely too soon for me to be in a relationship again. That wasn't my intention in joining that site, I was just surprised that someone that seemed to similar had found me and wanted to talk more, it seemed like something I shouldn't pass up. I'm not looking to start a new relationship anytime soon, but I'm also not adverse to get to know people for the time being. The part I bolded. Neither have I. Keep him as a friend then.. Sorry if I came off harshly, I re-read your opening post and see that your self esteem is low and you're feeling yucky.. I guess have fun and see how it goes. Funny guys with humour is the type of guy you should date! I'tll be fun and you'll have some laughs. Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 grkboy: his not being attracted to women wouldn't really be a "tiny thing" in the perspective of a heterosexual relationship. I'm not saying I necessarily have anything against his voice, but like Andy, I've never heard someone with the lisp who was not gay. My point is why would he even bother with you if he was gay? I can't imagine he would meet up with you on what seemed like a date and want to see more of you in that fashion...but hide that he's gay. Usually they'll come clean. Plus look at his behavior. Is he very "metro"? Overly feminine in behavior? Things like that. You should get to know him better rather than looking for one tiny excuse to end it all and run home to hide. Would you women like it if us guys immediately assumed that any woman who chops her hair short is instantly a lesbian? Link to post Share on other sites
kalikula Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 ^ It's just such a turn off.. It's just so un-masculine. Plus I have met a few guys who have the gay lisp, but act interested. Although it is possible they are not gay, to me it almost seems like they act that way to convince THEMSELVES that they're not gay. The guy I met was very religious and very insistent on how much of a "cowboy" he was and how much of a country boy he was. Um, ok. Either way there are still a lot of people in the closet who date women. It's not exactly unheard of (Although some men in the closet obviously don't have a gay lisp or visibly effeminate manner). Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 My point is why would he even bother with you if he was gay?Maybe "society acceptance" thing - officialy having a woman in your life, but hot, steamy male-on-male action behind the closed doors. Or maybe he is bi. Can't tell if he actually is, because I'm not sure, what thay "gay lisp" thing sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stupid Girl Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Watch the youtube link I posted, rafallus. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 If he's bi-sexual, and can commit, he can do so with either a woman or a man. Dating someone is 'getting to know them', and this is part of it. I've met numerous bi-sexual women over the years and thought nothing of it. I asked a transgendered woman out one time. Same. People are people. If they're compatible, they are. If not, not. If the guy's lisp makes him incompatible, let him know and move on. He'll thank you for your honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 So I've been broken up from my ex-fiance a couple weeks now, generally feeling pretty down and undesirable, so I decided to join a dating site for the first time, to "see what else is out there". Anyone thoughts? My initial thought is that you're probably not ready to be dating anybody yet, given that first paragraph, but I'm guessing that isn't the sort of advice you were looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Watch the youtube link I posted, rafallus. I watched before. It didn't really ring any bell, guys were speaking in different way (sort of flegmatic and a bit pompous), but still were widely regarded as gay. Link to post Share on other sites
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