QuestionsGuy Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 My girlfriend has been kinda busy doing her own thing this week and we didnt spend as much time actually doing stuff together as we usually do. I sat down with her for a open talk, and she admitted that though she doesnt know for sure, she thinks that maybe she isnt into me as much as before. When asked if it was my behaviour or the relationship getting stale she said that she wasnt sure but it was probably a mix of both, and she added that every relationship has it. I told her that im not as crazy-in-love with her as i was 3 years ago when i fell in love but that im still very much into her. She said that was good. When i asked to confirm she feels its a good thing im still very much into her she said "of course". I calmly expressed im a bit worried she might dump me and she said she isnt going to dump me. So in a half-joke i told her if her feelings level off a bit it's fine as long as she still wants to marry me. To which she nodded and said "yea". I asked her what about my behaviour might have contributed to it and she said she guesses me being grumpy more often (stress from my career going badly, hitting my self esteem badly), me being more easily upset and her not finding me as funny as she used to. She agreed that my sense of humor had changed little over the past 3 years and that hanging around the same person for 3 years on a daily basis can make the humor stale. I said im not sure if this means our relationship is still solid and stable and just getting routine, or if there is a problem developing. She said she's not sure and we'll have to wait and see. She added that 'every relationship has a time when it gets a bit boring, less exciting and you get less attracted to the other person but if you are still happy together when it gets to that point it can last forever.' In response i told her im still happy together with her and asked if she's still happy together with me. She said yes. Maybe i'm spoiled by how positive and completely into me she's been since i met her 3 years ago. Maybe i worry over nothing and it's natural and normal. Maybe i should prepare to sign up for online dating services soon... Been fighting my insecurity and possibility of her losing interest or meeting someone 'better' for years, finally getting a grip on it and managing it so i dont bother her with it. Now this little bombshell hits me. I dont know. Loveshackers, this is my first relationship that lasted longer than 3 months, im in completely unknown territory here. Help! Any advice, reassurance or warnings?
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) Try not to worry. I'm trying, but it's kinda hard for me to determine if this is something to worry about or not. I cannot 'trust' my own opinion or view on this situation. The past 3 years i have been kinda struggling with insecurity and often worrying she might lose interest in me or meet someone more exciting and fun. I usually keep this insecurity under control but she knows about it of course. This situation has my mind going "See? She loses interest in you, just like all the girls before her. Her interest will keep fading and you will be left behind alone again." I am terrified her interest in me/us will keep fading and she will fall in love with another guy. I dont know if i i should give her more space, keep myself busy so im less available, keep her closer, act more romantic like when we were a new couple, or carry on like nothing happened. Edited July 16, 2011 by QuestionsGuy
Rinas Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Just make sure that communication is running smoothly. Don't put any relationship pressures on her, and her her some time to figure things out. She told you how she felt, now you just have to accept it, and see how it can move along to a more positive level. After three years the excitement fades some, but it doesn't mean that the relationship isn't good to begin with. If you feel it's too routine, spice things up a bit.
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) I am not sure how i can spice things up a bit. I am thinking of taking her to a weekend away to a village and beach she told me she really likes. She went out friday evening and hung at a friend's place on saturday. In the evening she came online, started talking to me and it started off a little awkward as if she wasnt really into talking but then she asked me if i wanted to do something together. She came over to my place, we had sex, then we spent a couple hours watching random funny youtube videos, telling some stories from our past, how i would look sexy in a fancy business suit, how she would like to tie my tie every morning before i go to work, and a bunch of other random subjects. She was even amused by the few jokes i made. We had some more sex and afterwards she fell asleep cuddled up against me in bed. We woke up and i asked her if she had any plans for today. Appearantly she is going to 'have to' play world of warcraft with her friends tonight as they appearantly are now raiding 6 times a week insted of 5. (For those who know the game, she's in a top level guild on our server and they are trying for a "server first" clearing of the latest raid) Being a former WoW player myself i know why she wants to play it so much so it's fine. Kind of a bummer it's now even more often than before though. I am not sure if i should ask her if she wants to do things together today, or just stick to occassional random chats and let her take the first steps, or just get busy and unavailable for her. Update: While i was typing this she told me she's bored. That's her way of saying "please suggest something to do" and i suggested watching a series we like if it wasnt boring. She said it wouldnt be boring. We'll see how the rest of the afternoon goes. Edited July 17, 2011 by QuestionsGuy
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 So what do other people think, is this spending less time with me and being less excited about me after 3 years any cause for concern? Do i need to do something to stop it from causing problems? Do i ignore it and carry on as before? Do i try to find new stuff to do with her? Do i give her distance and only let her make the first moves? Do i make myself less available by focusing on friends/hobbies? The result i would like to see is her coming to me and asking to do stuff together and her being excited and enjoying it. If i think about it, i have always been there for her, night and day. The only times where i am unavailable to do stuff together is late at night when i have to go to bed because of my work and she finishes with her WoW raids and wanted to do something together before sleeping. Often i would stay up later than planned to be able to do something with her. Actually last monday when she was really horny and wanted sex i stayed up a few hours late. The only times she ever seemed to be threatened or worried i might lose interest in her was when i talk to a female friend quite a bit. A year ago she was really upset and jealous of a friend i had who she believed was trying to steal me from her.
Rinas Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I think you're over worrying yourself. If you keep pushing thing's they won't go better. Just go with the flow, do what feels right depending on the day, and have fun. No expectations. Just because it's been 3 years it doesn't mean that it has to be constant routine. Just live a bit without being concerned about constant planning and lack of interest.
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I think you're over worrying yourself. If you keep pushing thing's they won't go better. Just go with the flow, do what feels right depending on the day, and have fun. No expectations. Just because it's been 3 years it doesn't mean that it has to be constant routine. Just live a bit without being concerned about constant planning and lack of interest. Thanks, i will try that. Though my insecurities flared up dramatically since friday and i have trouble shaking the feeling i have to 'fix' something. It is not so much as her spending less time with me, the extra time to myself is welcome, but the general concept of her being 'less into me' that really made me mentally crap my pants. We spent about 2-3 hours doing stuff together this afternoon and she left about an hour ago after i asked her if she wanted to do more together or if she wanted to do stuff by herself. She said she'd go do something else for a bit. I asked it very casually and without pressuring her and i was perfectly fine with it. I think i will attempt to just entertain myself for the rest of the day, take a nice walk, play some games, talk to friends and do some job hunting. (I got a job atm but im looking for a better one) If she contacts me to try to do something with me, maybe i'll be there, maybe i'll be busy. No plans, as per your advice.
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Heh, while taking a long relaxing walk she texted me to ask if i was busy, she wanted to watch something with me before she is needed in her World of Warcraft raids tonight. When i replied that i was taking a walk she said it was ok and she'd let me continue my walk. but i was already about to turn around to go home so i cut my walk a little short and spent some time watching something with her. She seemed happy with that and enjoyed it as much as i did. She's off playing with her online friends now and im going to just continue with my own stuff the rest of the evening. I got no plans or expectations for the rest of the night. I am quite satisfied with the time i got to spend with her today. I guess looking at today and yesterday it seemed 'business as usual', slightly less time spent together but nothing felt forced or boring.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I'm just going to throw this out there. If you guys talk about marriage and a future have you given a timeline of when that might happen. It could be that she is getting sick of waiting around and thinks she is now wasting her time. Just my two cents. It could be really off not knowing the entire situation, but I've seen it happen more than once.
Author QuestionsGuy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 I'm just going to throw this out there. If you guys talk about marriage and a future have you given a timeline of when that might happen. It could be that she is getting sick of waiting around and thinks she is now wasting her time. Just my two cents. It could be really off not knowing the entire situation, but I've seen it happen more than once. Yeah, we talked about it before and we both concluded it was best to wait till she finishes uni and we can focus on living permanently together and getting a house, married, etc. When we talked about it a few months ago her opinion was still the same on this.
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