AngelDollFace Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Hi Boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago. I initiated no contact after that but he started calling and texting so I responded finally. We've been out on a few dates. The first date there was no kissing or flirting... just friendly... until we got back to his place... then we had sex. Second date we had a nice time... very minimal kissing... afterwards went to his house and had more sex. Both times we had sex he had an "early day" the next day so I had to go. When we dated he always wanted me to sleep over. Third date (last night) I finally said if no sleep over then no sex so I left and went home after our date. He calls me and texts me. Kisses me goodbye... says he loves me... won't commit to being back together but I haven't pushed the issue either. I am starting to get mad at him though feeling like I am not special to him anymore. I love this guy. I want to be back together but I am not sure how to best go about that. Obviously not talking to him and ignoring his calls a little at a time gets him wanting more... but if I pull away angrily he backs off. It's like the key here is to be super sweet but still emotionally unavailable, but I don't know how... What are the No contact rules if you're trying to win an ex back? He wants to see me but if I try to initiate plans he is a little flaky. Do I say no when he invites me on a date? Do I answer his calls and talk kindly to him but never flirt or should I just not answer? He isn't like most guys... being mean doesn't win me any points with him at all. It's like I have to be the perfect combination of available and unavailable but I don't know what that is. He started a new job this week that he says he is really committed to and that's his reason for being a little flaky and not wanting me to sleep over. Do I refuse to see him or Do I keep going on these impromptu friend dates to keep myself fresh on his mind? Clearly seeing him and being carefree like I don't give a crap about what happens helps but I need some direction here. What EXACTLY should I do and not do here? I am torn between just ignoring him for a week completely (which may drive him away) or being somewhat available (which is still risky because if I am accidentally too available he seems to just think I am going to be there when he wants me there?) Help <3 Helpful facts: I am 32. He is 34- we dated a year and a half. I know he still loves me but is confused about some difficult things that happened a few months ago. He loves me but maybe isn't feeling all sparkly in love with me.
Valid Sintax Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 First, having sex AFTER breaking up with him is a very bad idea. It easily becomes a friend with benefits situation, and it doesn't seem like that's what you want. Second, I think you should "move on" and give him his space. If he doesn't want to be with you, then let him go. If you think you can be platonic, non-romantic friends with him, then try that, but I doubt that would work since it sounds like you still have strong feelings for him. So, let him go. If he doesn't come back to you after seeing how "great" the single life is or after trying to date other women, then maybe he's not the right guy for you after all. I personally know that's tough to hear and to do, but that's probably the best thing you can do both for him, for your potential future relationship, and, most importantly, for you and your future, whatever it may be.
Author AngelDollFace Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 First, having sex AFTER breaking up with him is a very bad idea. It easily becomes a friend with benefits situation, and it doesn't seem like that's what you want. Second, I think you should "move on" and give him his space. If he doesn't want to be with you, then let him go. If you think you can be platonic, non-romantic friends with him, then try that, but I doubt that would work since it sounds like you still have strong feelings for him. So, let him go. If he doesn't come back to you after seeing how "great" the single life is or after trying to date other women, then maybe he's not the right guy for you after all. I personally know that's tough to hear and to do, but that's probably the best thing you can do both for him, for your potential future relationship, and, most importantly, for you and your future, whatever it may be. I know you're right. But if he doesn't want to be with me why the heck is he still calling and texting and saying he loves me... like he still wants me but isn't ready to progress to more yet... it's such a mixed message ... and I just don't know how to handle that. If I ignore him I am a B**ch.. If I answer the phone too often I am desperate... feel like I can't win.
Dazdnconfuzed Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Sex. He gets it. Relationship. You dont get it. Alot of people sometimes refuse to give a relationship a title claiming it is not important when in actuality it is very important. He wants to have you as the "Girlfriend Treatment" but still be able to say "Yea, I am single. What are you up too tonight?". Leave. It is going to be extremely hard and emotionally taxing but it has to be done to allow you to proceed.
Author AngelDollFace Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 He isn't pressuring me for sex... it just kind of happened... of course he didn't say no lol... but he is like keeping me on the back burner I feel like... wants to date me and call and talk to me on the phone but doesn't want a relationship. I don't know how to turn the tables.
Valid Sintax Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I know you're right. But if he doesn't want to be with me why the heck is he still calling and texting and saying he loves me... like he still wants me but isn't ready to progress to more yet... it's such a mixed message ... and I just don't know how to handle that. If I ignore him I am a B**ch.. If I answer the phone too often I am desperate... feel like I can't win. Just because he wants to spend time with you, talk with you, and have sex with you does not mean that he wants you to be his girl. Like Dazdnconfuzed said he gets to keep you "on the side" (both for sex and for other emotional support) but also go out and date other girls. Like I said before, the best way for you to move on and for you to have any chance of him returning is for you to take all of that away and let him be on his own. By doing what you are doing with him (and what you have done), you are only enabling his use of you.
Author AngelDollFace Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 Just because he wants to spend time with you, talk with you, and have sex with you does not mean that he wants you to be his girl. Like Dazdnconfuzed said he gets to keep you "on the side" (both for sex and for other emotional support) but also go out and date other girls. Like I said before, the best way for you to move on and for you to have any chance of him returning is for you to take all of that away and let him be on his own. By doing what you are doing with him (and what you have done), you are only enabling his use of you. You are right. Thank you for the good advice Dazed & Valid. Time to walk away and act like I could care less... maybe if I walk away for long enough I'll emotionally be free of him.
Janesays Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 My advice is to not play games, period. Just be yourself, be honest, lay it out on the table. Either he loves you or he doesn't. That's what it comes down to no matter which route you take. But if you don't try to manipulate a guy into doing what you want with these weirdo games, you will get your answer all the quicker.
Anna86 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Hi! I feel for you!! I was in a similar situation. Broke up with my ex, stayed 'friends'. He called me all the time after we broke up, texted me and said he still loved me but didn't want me as his gf anymore. I made the terrible mistake of sleeping with him as I loved him and hoped it would change his mind. He got used to the idea and it worked for him. I felt so used and confused as I couldn't get around not staying at his place after we slept together. Then, with all my strength I told him we can't be in contact unless he wants to make a go of it again. He said he thought our little situation was 'perfect' for us. I told him no more meeting up and not to contact me again. I was in so much pain after this. 7 days later he goes on a date with a new girl and they are still together 4months later. My advice, if he REALLY wants you, he will not let u go. My ex did and it means that we were not meant to be. Sometimes you need to push them into making a decision. It is the only way you can ever move on. I really hope you don't sleep with him any more. It is far too easy for him. Make him work for it. However, I know EXACTLY how it feels and I wasn't strong for a long time.
Anna86 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 You are right. Thank you for the good advice Dazed & Valid. Time to walk away and act like I could care less... maybe if I walk away for long enough I'll emotionally be free of him. I walked away from it.....But not very gracefully. It took me a long time and now I am almost free. If I could turn back time I would have just vanished from his life so he could have truly lost me. Instead, I let him use me to get over me. I really hope everything works out. Be strong!!!!
Author AngelDollFace Posted July 25, 2011 Author Posted July 25, 2011 I walked away from it.....But not very gracefully. It took me a long time and now I am almost free. If I could turn back time I would have just vanished from his life so he could have truly lost me. Instead, I let him use me to get over me. I really hope everything works out. Be strong!!!! I know it's a late response but I just wanted to say that this is some of the best advice I've gotten. Thank you, Anna.
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