justsaying Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I am really confused as to what my ex is thinking and where he is coming from. I am not sure if I should go NC for my own sanity or just be patient and give him some space and time. He is a scorpio, by the way. If anyone knows how stubborn they can be. I am a cancer. We have been on and off for years. Separated mostly by circumstance. We have been arguing every day and I think we are at a point where we just feel helpless and hopeless. We don't want to break up, but nothing changes. He doesn't and I don't, either. We have grown impatient. Our arguments are mostly about the past. Past hurts, unresolved issues. I feel like he is going to break up with me. I break up with him. I go NC for 3 days. He wants to be friends and work on ourselves individually and see what happens in time. I want to reconcile and be committed and work together. He wants to be friends until he sees real change in me (giving me a little more hope). No commitment until he feels there is change. I realize I want to be friends and not reconcile. Ever. He says I destroyed all chance of reconciliation and friendship. He wants to cut all ties. I want friendship. I don't think we are being honest with each other about what we really want. I think we are frustrated and tired of arguing, but we want to be with each other and miss each other. We are both controlling and it seems that he is taking away friendship and all contact to hurt me because he is hurt that I gave up because it wasn't on my terms. Because he wanted me to prove that I was willing to do what it takes. Do you think he is really trying to cut all ties or just hurt? If he didn't want to be with me anymore, why was he okay with being friends and now he isn't? Why is he concerned with how I will be in my next relationships? He said because he genuinely cares and doesn't want me to sabotage it. I think he wants to SEE that I am willing to do what it takes to keep him and he still wants to be with me. I am prideful and when I feel backed into a corner or it's not my way, I don't want anything. It's selfish. But is it really? I just will not compromise myself. I really do love him and we talked about marriage and I want to be with him. I am terrified of losing him for good. I said that he is great, but our relationship was not and I don't want to reconcile. I'd like to be friends and keep in touch. I couldn't deal with dragging out this break up and the uncertainty. I said that I was closing the door for good and if I choose to go to therapy or counseling, that is for me at this point. Part of me thinks that we will never break up and this is a vicious cycle of dysfunction and if I ever want to move forward, I have to cut all ties. But I can't ever let him go and he won't ever let me go. I know that if we are apart for say 3 months and get back together, I will resent him. It's not healthy. So, should I just go NC for his own sake and mine and let it be over? Should I work on myself and just let things be and see what happens? I feel like that is torture holding on to hope. Should I give it a time frame? say, 2 weeks? Keep in mind, all of this happened in about a week. So much back and forth and final decisions. It's nuts. I don't like that he is blaming me for the problems in our relationship and not taking responsibility or accountability for his part. That alone was the main reason why I decided I COULDN'T be with him. Not that I didn't want to. It is a deal-breaker. I've never cheated on him, he acts like I am abusive. He tells me I don't appreciate him ... so why does he want to be with me? Why would I want to reconcile? Any advice? Opinions? I'm sad.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Sounds to me that you both don't know what you want. try talking one on one with him and figure out what each of you wants out of all of this and figure out if you are both willing to make changes in yourselves. if you are going to break up then yes go NC but don't expect to be friends, at least not for a while. keep us updated on what you decide to do and what happens.
batsheba Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 i would say give yourselves some time to cool off ie no contact for a week as agreed. respect each others need for time and space. this should be enough time to assess whether everything will be worth it or not. and about small arguments, there are things you can all let go, if it means peace of mind for both of you, why not go the extra mile? as long as you have each other. now that is the melodramatic part. for the realistic part, nothing relieves a person more than REMOVING all sources of stress and agony. if something makes you miserable, let it go.
Author justsaying Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm really confused. I guess I am the dumper and the dumpee. We are both trying to control the situation. I decided to give it a couple of weeks of no contact and allow him to cool off. He is pretty pissed and hurt. He is so stubborn and impossible. I know even IF we did speak, he will be angry and indifferent towards me for a long time. I honestly don't think he will contact me anytime soon. I honestly think he will cut all ties and move on.
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