AngelDollFace Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 He is just not that into you. Or he isn't into commitment. I had the same thing happen with a boyfriend a few years ago. Things were great till we moved in together then sex stopped.... exactly like your situation. Turns out he wasn't into monogamy. So yeah... your guy either isn't into you, or doesn't like monogamy/commitment.... I'd maybe check his phone if I was you for text messages or calls to other girls... I don't think he is getting the sex elsewhere but if he isn't into monogamy at least his phone will give you an answer.
Valid Sintax Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 To the person who asked what hes said.. its been a horde of excuses. everything from not having a job to not getting his promotion to his car being ****ed up and him being upset he has to fix it.... He now has his job, got the promotion and his car is fixed... he has run out of excuses so now he just says "sex is all you care about you don't see all the nice things i do for you" which just starts an angry fight. This suggests to me that he's hiding something. It's just about anyone's guess what that might be, because he keeps coming up with different excuses. You could do some research and see that just about anything can cause a man to have a weakened sex drive. Maybe you need to think about whether it's the lack of sex that's bothering you or if it's the fact that something is up that obviously is a big deal and he's not telling you about it. He's withholding sex because he's keeping something else from you, which is obvious because he keeps giving different excuses. I would suggest that you consider making it clear to him that you are concerned about him...that sex isn't the real issue, but that there is something going on and you would like him to include you in it. Once you get him talking about what's really going on beneath the surface, then the sex will come. But, until he feels comfortable to talk with you about it, I suggest you quit bugging him about sex and start paying close attention to his words and actions to see if you can figure out what might really be the cause of his lack of sex drive.
spiderowl Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) It's a natural part of a relationship and you are missing it. He is rejecting you sexually and that's not fair. It's no wonder your self-esteem is affected. He won't talk with you about it so he's not giving you the chance to find out why he doesn't want sex with you. This is not a sexual relationship any more: it is platonic. Do you want a platonic relationship for the foreseeable future? If not, then I think you'll need to leave him. He's not giving you any other options. It seems to me your sex drive isn't an issue, but his is. If he doesn't desire you sexually, then you are better off out of this and at least giving yourself a chance of being desired by a future partner. Edited July 16, 2011 by spiderowl
Allisha Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 OP, I want you to listen to me carefully. I would: - Sit him down. Tell him how you feel. Make it CLEAR it's no longer about getting laid. Tell him how his rejections are making you feel. Going from SO much sex to so little gives you a right to know why. Don't let him tell you all you care about is sex. If he argues, then you're better off without him. The most important things in a relationship are trust and communication. If he can't do that, then your relationship is doomed and you may as well end it now. Sad, but true. - If the above fails, I would repeat it one final time. If there's still no communication, I'd leave him. I don't really care if you have a house with him or not. No house or money is worth misery and the confidence issues you now have. You are young, and have a lifetime ahead of you to find a great guy. DO NOT WASTE a single second more on this guy if he doesn't start talking. It's simply pointless.
musemaj11 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Its a common psychological occurrence when people lose interest in something because their partner wants it more.
Dust Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 It could be any of the following or some combination. None of which you should blame yourself for. 1) He’s gay. 2) He’s cheating. 3) He’s low sex drive for one of many reasons (depression, low testosterone, psychological complex, physical illness) 4) He’s looking at porn and masturbating or just masturbating. 5) Lost attraction to you for real reasons (you’ve changed in look or manner) or he’s changed. Those are the main conclusions that spring to my mind. You can’t change him only he can change himself. You’ve talked about it and of course it only causes fights. It might be time to leave him.
Knittress Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 (edited) Lots of ideas I agree with, but also consider that some people use withholding sex as a form of being passive aggressive. I have an ex that was so conflict-avoidant that instead of just yelling at me for being a lazy slob who never did the dishes, he'd just simmer, pout, and not have sex with me. It's annoying, manipulative, and it WILL destroy the relationship eventually. People who do this sort of annoying BS,will sometimes blame YOU for them not having a backbone. As in, maybe he's feeling frustrated with where's he at in life but instead of having a deep think over it, he's going to get peevish about all the (straw men) issues he has with YOU. Sometimes you just can't win, because it's not your fight. (Heh, STILL annoyed at the mo-fo...) (Also... might have been gay.) Edited July 16, 2011 by Knittress
USCGAviator Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Sometimes when a man puts on a little extra weight, the sex drive plummets. Maybe getting him motivated to exercise will benefit for you as well. I know when I was married with kids I started to get lazy and put a little belly on. I noticed the sexual desire wasn't there. When I started working out again, my testosterone levels boosted. I had constant erections, and my wife at the time was very happy that I hit the gym again.
TheyCallMeBruce Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 I remember when I was in a relationship once, I put on a little weight and suddenly felt very insecure about my body and stopped wanting to have sex. My girlfriend at the time was very upset and felt rejected, but it was really that I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't want to get naked in front of her. Really, there are a lot of possible explanations that have nothing to do with you or infidelity. Try to find out how he's doing. Is he active? Does he work out? If so, his sex drive will be a lot higher (or so I've found). If none of that works, feel free to call me. ;-)
Author fallenenvy Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Thank you all for your constructive comments (got tired of the maybe you got fat maybe hes cheating etc). And no i don't need to check his phone.. hes not doing anymore.. theres no other girls.. BUT ANYWAY to the people that had something a bit more constructive.... Honestly i would rather there be another woman... that would be easier and less mysterious. I've come to the conclusion it is either in some way psychological or due to his own weight gain. I think i am going to go with what some of you suggested and try the talking route one more time.... imma make sure to do it when he's not "sleepy" so he can't pass out in the middle of it.. im not gonna let it become confrontational. You are right.. its not about sex anymore. Knittress it is entirely possible that he is being passive aggressive. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Knowing how he is he would much rather pout simmer and quite possibly withhold sex instead of telling me im upsetting him in some way...your right.. it will destroy the relationship.. we are tipptoing along that line already.. and to spiderowl no i don't want a platonic relationship. i've even said this to him... feels like we are just friends.. (pisses him off of course). I have enough friends... i want a lover. And yes i will be willing to end it eventually if things don't improve. I care very deeply about him but if he isn't interested in giving me the "attention" i deserve... then the time will come where its just not worth it anymore. USCGAviator it could be testosterone. He doesn't do things like he used to.. i wish it wasn't hot as balls summer time here (hes from colorado where its never above 70 in the mountains).. it kinda kills the desire to go ride his bike a few miles like he used to. Maybe i'll try to get him out doing stuff again. ~Fallen
SoleMate Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Sexual problems such as this have MANY possible root causes. I see many posters jumping to ideas like weight gain, loss of love, etc. as certain causes, when they are only one small possibility and don't even fit the facts in your case. I recommend reading The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is appropriate for LTR as well as marriages. The author thoroughly explores ALL possible causes and has practical and compassionate suggestions to attempt solutions.
cheergirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 to be honest even if u have gained weight it doesnt matter some men in this forum as small minded pigs. maybe your partner is slightly self conscious that he has gained weight and u dont fancy him any more?? xxx Does mentioning the possibility of weight gain as a factor make a man a "small-minded pig"? That's quite rude, malicious and disrespectful.
cheergirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Oh yeah and he doesn't want it over. He doesn't want me to break up with him.. In fact.. he seems perfectly content with the relationship... as long as i don't bug him for sex :-/ So no.. its not "over in his mind" as someone suggested. And I must've been hot at some point otherwise i wouldn't have other offers.. which i don't act upon.. cause i'm not a cheating whore like i was at one point in my life. So drop the damn "your fat" comments they are not constructive thanks. Who said this? Who said "You're fat"? No-one said this...
cheergirl Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 OP, I want you to listen to me carefully. I would: - Sit him down. Tell him how you feel. Make it CLEAR it's no longer about getting laid. Tell him how his rejections are making you feel. Going from SO much sex to so little gives you a right to know why. Don't let him tell you all you care about is sex. If he argues, then you're better off without him. The most important things in a relationship are trust and communication. If he can't do that, then your relationship is doomed and you may as well end it now. Sad, but true. - If the above fails, I would repeat it one final time. If there's still no communication, I'd leave him. I don't really care if you have a house with him or not. No house or money is worth misery and the confidence issues you now have. You are young, and have a lifetime ahead of you to find a great guy. DO NOT WASTE a single second more on this guy if he doesn't start talking. It's simply pointless. It's a natural part of a relationship and you are missing it. He is rejecting you sexually and that's not fair. It's no wonder your self-esteem is affected. He won't talk with you about it so he's not giving you the chance to find out why he doesn't want sex with you. This is not a sexual relationship any more: it is platonic. Do you want a platonic relationship for the foreseeable future? If not, then I think you'll need to leave him. He's not giving you any other options. It seems to me your sex drive isn't an issue, but his is. If he doesn't desire you sexually, then you are better off out of this and at least giving yourself a chance of being desired by a future partner. It could be any of the following or some combination. None of which you should blame yourself for. 1) He’s gay. 2) He’s cheating. 3) He’s low sex drive for one of many reasons (depression, low testosterone, psychological complex, physical illness) 4) He’s looking at porn and masturbating or just masturbating. 5) Lost attraction to you for real reasons (you’ve changed in look or manner) or he’s changed. Those are the main conclusions that spring to my mind. You can’t change him only he can change himself. You’ve talked about it and of course it only causes fights. It might be time to leave him. All good advice... To this I would add, sometimes we can do or say little things that our partners are bothered by on a deep level. These "little" things can build up in their minds and make it impossible for them to be with you sexually. They might suspect you of cheating, or thinking about it, for example... Without him being completely open and honest you will never know and it's all just speculation.. You deserve the truth. This is passive aggressive behaviour, according to what i know... He knows you want sex, but refuses, like a power game. Your only recourse is to refuse to play, make decisions based on what you want and what you are willing to accept, then stick to them.... Hope this helps...
Jynxx Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) Can't believe nobody asked about the problem itself: How do you know he doesn't want sex with you? When you initiate, at what point does he stop you? (you do initiate other than doing rational talking about it, right?) Do you have any reason to believe he didn't enjoy sex with you that much in the past? Do you have any reason to believe he thinks he has to put in alot of effort (ie you require very long foreplay, oral etc) and the juice isn't worth the squeeze for him? Talking isn't going to solve this problem. Your boyfriend is a male, hence he doesn't like talking about deep feelings or emotions and if you try to push him to do so it will be unpleasant for him and more importantly unproductive. Try having a weekend without any plans or things to do, wear something sexy, cook him a nice meal, be very touchy feely all night, kiss and just progress to sex, make it your goal to have him have the best sex he had in his life. If that fails, which I doubt if he isn't gay or disabled, you got yourself a real problem. Edited July 17, 2011 by Jynxx bolded a part for the female posters
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I am frustrated. VERY. Some background on me... Im a soon to be 22 yr old woman.. and i have always had a very high sex drive. My bf is 22 and when we started dating; he had the same high sex drive. Fast forward a year and a half.... the sex is gone. WE have been living together for about 8 months now... and i swear the man won't touch me. If i ask about it.. it starts a fight. He tells me i'm beautiful.. etc.. and its not me... This has been going on for months. I literally go somewhere between 1-2 months between one night of very short" passion" that i only get from nagging incessantly. Worst part is he is good to me in all other ways. He does everything he can to take care of me and make sure im happy... except have sex with me. PErhaps i am shallow but it makes me feel terrible about myself. I am sick of the rejection and him not allowing me to do sexual things with him. If he had always been like this i may understand it.. but when you go from having sex 3 times a day to once every 1 or 2 months... I am sick of getting yelled at for trying to talk.. getting told sex is all i care about... and crying myself to sleep after feeling horrible ugly and insecure. I know some of you may say its porn... or another woman.. no it isn't. Hes never been into porn (yes im sure) and no theres no other woman.. mainly because he doesnt have the time of day for one (yes i'm sure on that too). I'm just tired of feeling rejected. I don't want to have to force sex on him because then what is the point? I just want to be wanted again.... Im not an unreasonable sex machine either. I would like 1-2 times a week or so. Im at wits end.. and without him being willing to talk to me about it.. I only see it getting worse and me feeling more and more distant... I just want some passion back into my relationship.. i want to be wanted again :-( Twenty-one years old, and you have already begun a potentially life-long habit of not being good (or even 'fair') to yourself!!! Twenty-one, not married, hopefully no kids clouding the issue... you are free to become unattached again and go out and rehearse the habit of being good to yourself, instead of falling into this onset of a pattern of not standing up for yourself. We get that you want to GIVE all of yourself to one person, in one direction, and then reap all of the personal joy that comes from having been investing in the same thing for as many years as you can eventually remember. In this scenario, you are facing the equivalent of closing on the purchase of a home in the bad part of town, and which comes with risks and discomfort of the sort you never envisioned yourself buying. There are other homes in much nicer parts of your city, and the mathematics of home-buying works generally the same just about anywhere. It is probably your best move to cease to envision remaining with this guy long-term. You have so many prime years left, and you can probably treat yourself to a guy you deserve and the passion-filled existence that will (happen) along with him.
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Oh yeah and he doesn't want it over. He doesn't want me to break up with him.. In fact.. he seems perfectly content with the relationship... as long as i don't bug him for sex :-/ So no.. its not "over in his mind" as someone suggested. And I must've been hot at some point otherwise i wouldn't have other offers.. which i don't act upon.. cause i'm not a cheating whore like i was at one point in my life. So drop the damn "your fat" comments they are not constructive thanks. This is the "shi.t or get off the pot" time. Either he's in or he's out. Sex is important and if he isn't willing to have sex with you, this relationship is NOT going to work out. Imagine your life, married and having a few kids and the sex isn't happening now? Look how he handles stress.. He shuts you out. You deserve to have it all and if you stay with someone who doesn't meet your needs, doesn't make you happy, makes you feel unloved, not sexy and not wanted, it WILL make you feel insecure and resentment towards him will build up. Does he cuddle or kiss you? Hold hands at all? Talk to him and be honest.
123321 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I suppose that is possible though i am the one all over him and not the other way around anymore. Granted he complains about his weight and how hes going to loose it again blah blah blah but i honestly couldn't care less.. though perhaps he does.... Maybe he's having a performance problem.
angili Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 I remember when I was in a relationship once, I put on a little weight and suddenly felt very insecure about my body and stopped wanting to have sex. My girlfriend at the time was very upset and felt rejected, but it was really that I was so disgusted with myself that I didn't want to get naked in front of her. Really, there are a lot of possible explanations that have nothing to do with you or infidelity. Try to find out how he's doing. Is he active? Does he work out? If so, his sex drive will be a lot higher (or so I've found). If none of that works, feel free to call me. ;-) yes! you are right and really i am certainly looking for these tips. i also recommend that for fun use some attractive products as Alfa Maschio
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