amethyste Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Let's look on the bright side for a while. What have you learned from your relationship(s)? Is there anything you think you can do better next time? What about something you're not willing to tolerate anymore in a future relationship? In my case: This is what I've learned after my first relationship (approx. 4 yrs): I'm not willing anymore to tolerate any form of abuse; I will not try to help people that can't be helped; I know for sure that I don't need a partner with plenty of insecurities (and I don't talk about "normal" insecurities everyone has, but about severe insecurities that give birth to all kind of problems); I won't accept obsessive jealousy & being controlled. I think there are many other things, but overall, from my first partner I now know how I don't want my future partner to be. This sounds sad but it's actually helpful. From my second relationship (approx. 2yrs): Because of my ex's qualities I now know how I'd like to be treated, I know better what I'm looking for, I know what I want sexually etc. I've also learned that you (well, I) should pay attention and observe if someone's (sweet) words match their actions; I've learned that you can't count only on words, no matter how much you trust someone. After this relationship, I know that I won't tolerate any condescending BS & mind games. I've heard enough lines that sounded so mature & well thought, coming from someone very calm, who in reality was just contradicting himself, while I was considering myself insane because I had no idea what was going on. Also, I don't think I'll accept any harem of suspicious lady friends (though, I have nothing against female friends). Overall, I'm not willing to tolerate any BS (and I'm not saying this in an angry manner, lol ). I can be the nicest person in the world, I can be understandable & tolerant... as long as I'm treated the same way, with respect. I will try to understand any situation, I'll accept any excuses as long as they are sincere, but I definitely say NO to BS!
quankanne Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 in general? That every love relationship that concludes takes you one step closer to the love you're meant to have in life. All those heartaches and unrequited loves are trial runs, so to speak, for the big love ... and I've learned that you never run out of love to share, even when someone steals your heart, rips it to shreds and leaves it for dead
livy07 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Thank you amethyste, this is a thread I can actually get into There are far too many depressing threads around here lately. The most important lessons I have learned: 1.) you MUST put your own health and well-being FIRST, at all times. Do not compromise your feelings, your physical/emotional health or your self-confidence for another person. 2.) If a person is constantly angry with you for seemingly no reason, and always tries to blame you for all the relationship's problems, get the **** out. Don't waste your time trying to reason with them. People like this are manipulative, immature, and usually cheating (as in my case) or at the very least not committed to making it work. 3.) Do not lose yourself in your relationship. Maintain your own identity... after all, that is what attracted your mate in the first place. Once you give that side of yourself up, you risk losing the person you gave it all up for.
wilsonx Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Thank you amethyste, this is a thread I can actually get into There are far too many depressing threads around here lately. The most important lessons I have learned: 1.) you MUST put your own health and well-being FIRST, at all times. Do not compromise your feelings, your physical/emotional health or your self-confidence for another person. 2.) If a person is constantly angry with you for seemingly no reason, and always tries to blame you for all the relationship's problems, get the **** out. Don't waste your time trying to reason with them. People like this are manipulative, immature, and usually cheating (as in my case) or at the very least not committed to making it work. 3.) Do not lose yourself in your relationship. Maintain your own identity... after all, that is what attracted your mate in the first place. Once you give that side of yourself up, you risk losing the person you gave it all up for. Livy, this would have been my post... Good job! I failed all of the 3 in my last relationship
livy07 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Livy, this would have been my post... Good job! I failed all of the 3 in my last relationship Thank you I only failed at the first 2 once... but once was enough. Never again. The third one's a little harder. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your SO and forget to keep up with everything else.
wilsonx Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I agree, this relationship was the first time Ive ever failed all of the above. I lost #1 and #2 a long time ago and #3 went down the toilet recently. I actually just printed out your post put it on my wall and in my journal... You are spot on
livy07 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I actually just printed out your post put it on my wall and in my journal... You are spot on Wow, thanks, that makes me feel good to help even one person. I have read many of your posts and you seem to have a pretty good understanding of things. You have helped me along, too.
Author amethyste Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Wow, thanks, that makes me feel good to help even one person. I have read many of your posts and you seem to have a pretty good understanding of things. You have helped me along, too. Those are gonna be on my list too
Karala Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 If you get a sinking feeling that things aren't right just TWO WEEKS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, don't drag it out for 3 and a half years. RUN. Well, obviously, if you care about the person, do try to talk it out with them. But if talking amounts to nothing, don't just sweep it under the carpet and live on wishful thinking for years. RUN. I suppose if the person realizes they care about you enough, they will run after you anyway.
gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Let's look on the bright side for a while. What have you learned from your relationship(s)? Is there anything you think you can do better next time? What about something you're not willing to tolerate anymore in a future relationship? In my case: This is what I've learned after my first relationship (approx. 4 yrs): I'm not willing anymore to tolerate any form of abuse; I will not try to help people that can't be helped; I know for sure that I don't need a partner with plenty of insecurities (and I don't talk about "normal" insecurities everyone has, but about severe insecurities that give birth to all kind of problems); I won't accept obsessive jealousy & being controlled. I think there are many other things, but overall, from my first partner I now know how I don't want my future partner to be. This sounds sad but it's actually helpful. From my second relationship (approx. 2yrs): Because of my ex's qualities I now know how I'd like to be treated, I know better what I'm looking for, I know what I want sexually etc. I've also learned that you (well, I) should pay attention and observe if someone's (sweet) words match their actions; I've learned that you can't count only on words, no matter how much you trust someone. After this relationship, I know that I won't tolerate any condescending BS & mind games. I've heard enough lines that sounded so mature & well thought, coming from someone very calm, who in reality was just contradicting himself, while I was considering myself insane because I had no idea what was going on. Also, I don't think I'll accept any harem of suspicious lady friends (though, I have nothing against female friends). Overall, I'm not willing to tolerate any BS (and I'm not saying this in an angry manner, lol ). I can be the nicest person in the world, I can be understandable & tolerant... as long as I'm treated the same way, with respect. I will try to understand any situation, I'll accept any excuses as long as they are sincere, but I definitely say NO to BS! DITTO! I learned that I should be more assertive, especially when I feel disrespected. Don't make excuses for people when you're not being treated the way you should be.
Author amethyste Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 If you get a sinking feeling that things aren't right just TWO WEEKS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, don't drag it out for 3 and a half years. RUN. Well, obviously, if you care about the person, do try to talk it out with them. But if talking amounts to nothing, don't just sweep it under the carpet and live on wishful thinking for years. RUN. I suppose if the person realizes they care about you enough, they will run after you anyway. Run, and run as fast as you can That's true too. I'm not a suspicious/ distrustful person, but it's funny how every time I suspected something (not out of the blue, of course, but based on facts), it turned out to be true... I was never wrong.
ShatteredDreams Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I learned the signs of BPD. I wish I knew them a long time ago because my ex fits the description perfectly. Also, when she started becoming physically and emotionally abusive, I became emotionally abusive. My mistake was that I always tried to even things out. If she made me cry, I would try my best to make her cry. I'm learning to control my anger.
Net Jedi Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I learned that effective communication was a key to any successful relationship. I didn't come from a very communicative family so it was difficult to transition into a relationship with someone who could communicate their feelings. Unfortunately for me, just as I got pretty good at it she shut that part of herself down. C'est la vie.
Author amethyste Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I learned that effective communication was a key to any successful relationship. I didn't come from a very communicative family so it was difficult to transition into a relationship with someone who could communicate their feelings. Unfortunately for me, just as I got pretty good at it she shut that part of herself down. C'est la vie. Same thing happened to me too, hah
skibum Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 that no matter how well you think you know a person, you cant trust anyone
TaintedHeart Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Not to revolve your whole life around anyone, because once they leave, it feels like they've taken your whole world with them.
Geya Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Oh wow this will be a long one - When someone doesn't show you the same level of care love & respect, get the hell out - When someone keeps disappearing, don't sit around waiting for them, instead just delete their number and continue your life - It's okay to say NO - Dont ever put on yur rose tinted glasses, always keep it real see them for who they are, if they changed don't sit around hoping they'll go back to who they were, chances are who they were is fake & this is their true them - It's okay to ignore and delete their messages after they've broken up with you and still bugging you I learned so much might come back for me, I'll be honest before this relationship I had 0 info about relationships and how they work
Gypsie Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 If a person is constantly angry with you for seemingly no reason, and always tries to blame you for all the relationship's problems, get the **** out. Don't waste your time trying to reason with them. People like this are manipulative, immature, and usually cheating (as in my case) or at the very least not committed to making it work. Totally what my ex boyfriend from last year was like and totally agree.
MissMoni Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I've learned that you can't make someone love you. I have also learned that if anyone ever lies to you and tells you that they love you because you said it first...you need to get out of that relationship. Someone should never tell you what they think they want you to hear to avoid a conflict. I've learned that not all conflict is bad, and that it is healthy to have disagreements that are constructively and respectfully resolved. I have learned that you can't pick your partner's friends - and even if they tell you they want the "true" way you feel about one of them, they don't. If you don't care for a friend of theirs, don't make a big deal of it. I have learned that sometimes relationships just aren't meant to work and it's really no one's fault. I have learned to never be in an official relationship with someone only knowing them for a couple of months. I have learned never to confuse lust with love - just because he likes your body, doesn't mean he loves you. I have learned never to let myself be that girl again.
RodG Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I've learned that my ex girlfriend is even more of an immature, selfish, horrible human being than I thought. She sure played the cute little girlfriend act pretty well. Pity the fool that gets involved with that. I've learned that every time she said "I love you" they were just words to something she thought, but didn't truly feel. So, love is basically an illusion and a made up feeling. Won't make the same mistakes twice. Put yourself first. I certainly didn't. If someone leaves you because you put yourself first, then they're not right for you.
Nohbody Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, if a 'better deal' comes along they'll take it.
RodG Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 The "learning experience" of the ended relationship is almost not worth going through the whole relationship, because it only ends up in immense pain and depression. In the end you truly see the person for who they are, rendering the relationship completely false and a waste of time and energy.
lonelynyc Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I learned 2 very basic things: 1) Love is not enough to keep 2 people together. My ex and I still love each other a great deal, but for many reasons we became increasingly incompatible over time. We are both flawed people, and at the end of the day my ex decided it was no longer worthwhile for her to learn to love my shortcomings. The relationship wasn't providing her with enough happiness for her to look past the negativity. If I'm honest with myself, I wasn't getting what someone should expect to receive in a relationship. I was holding onto something that was no longer healthy (and still am, to a degree) because I was/am in love. 2) You have to live with the consequences of your actions. I violated the trust of my relationship early on... Despite being a model boyfriend thereafter, it could never make up for my misdeeds. For everyone out there with the impulse to cheat or do anything to betray the trust of the person you care about--just break it off with them beforehand. You save them the worst sort of pain that comes with betrayal, and you don't close the door on a future with that person the way you would if you violated their trust. I've been cheated on, and then I cheated--I finally learned my lesson, but it's too late.
RodG Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I learned 2 very basic things: 1) Love is not enough to keep 2 people together. My ex and I still love each other a great deal, but for many reasons we became increasingly incompatible over time. We are both flawed people, and at the end of the day my ex decided it was no longer worthwhile for her to learn to love my shortcomings. The relationship wasn't providing her with enough happiness for her to look past the negativity. If I'm honest with myself, I wasn't getting what someone should expect to receive in a relationship. I was holding onto something that was no longer healthy (and still am, to a degree) because I was/am in love. This. So true my friend.
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