Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 This is one way that "nice" people are not so nice after all. You say you're nice because you did all these supportive things for him. But it seems that you were only doing those things to hook him--- you expected him to feel indebted in return. That's not very nice at all. I don't agree. You give love and support with the hope that you will also get love and support. It would be stupid to love someone who doesn't reciprocate in any way.
rafallus Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I don't agree. You give love and support with the hope that you will also get love and support. It would be stupid to love someone who doesn't reciprocate in any way. Then you find out person wasn't worth of those things. Someone else may just be. The obvious response is that your actions were not at fault. You were just dating the wrong kind of men. The attention I get from other men is plenty to assure my SO that I have options and am highly desired. There's no danger of being taken for granted there. And my response to that attention convinces him that I'm worth it. And boy, it does. Confidence is sexy in women too. Insecure little girl act is cute for a while, but if she acts like that all the time, it gets annoying.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 You sound perfect to me! There are guys who like how you described yourself and there are those who do not like that, he wasnt one, but there are guys who like nice girls Also how old was he? The younger the guy is, the more likely he is to want to date different types of girls and not appreciate a nice girl right away....well at least this was me for a couple of years He's turning 30 this year.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't really agree. From the way you described yourself as being passive and non-confrontational, you are a doormat. Do not ever allow someone to treat you with disrespect, especially in a romantic relationship. If something bothers/upsets/hurts you in some way, say so. Speak up. You're not a b*tch if you speak up, unless you're doing it in a way that disrespects the other person. If you don't assert yourself, then you're allowing people to see that you tolerate being mistreated. People don't respect doormats. I did speak up when it came to certain things, but there were also things that I thought weren't that important that I just let slide. I tried to pick my battles the best way I could.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't agree. You give love and support with the hope that you will also get love and support. It would be stupid to love someone who doesn't reciprocate in any way. Yeah. I gave because I wanted to give. In the context of a romantic relationship, wouldn't you want to feel like the other person wanted to appreciate you and give to you too?
Buck Turgidson Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I don't agree. You give love and support with the hope that you will also get love and support. There's a difference between hoping for reciprocation and expectation of indebtedness. It's great to genuinely love and support someone who loves and supports you back... but codependent behavior to love and support someone expecting to ensnare them in a guilt trip with it. It's good to support someone you love. But it's not so good to use that support as leverage to keep someone around who isn't interested. It would be stupid to love someone who doesn't reciprocate in any way.Love is an emotion. It happens whether you like it or not. We agree that it's certainly stupid to fawn over someone who doesn't reciprocate, which is pretty much my point. That, and to just move on to someone who does care without playing the Look How Hard I Tried pity game.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Confidence is sexy in women too. Insecure little girl act is cute for a while, but if she acts like that all the time, it gets annoying. I am not an insecure person at all. I know that I am desirable, and my ex would often say that I was "hot" and "smarter than him." When we began going out, I made sure he knew where I stood about certain things. I know that there's no scarcity of options for me out there. But I guess when I'm in a relationship, I tend to put my ego aside and try to think about the needs of my partner. Maybe my mistake was that I did it too much, at the expense of my own welfare. I made excuses for him, like when he would snap at me and I'd say to myself that maybe I should cut him some slack because he's tired or he's stressed out from work. Who doesn't get snippy sometimes, right?
Buck Turgidson Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I tend to put my ego aside and try to think about the needs of my partner. Maybe my mistake was that I did it too much, at the expense of my own welfare. Exactly. Remember the reason you want to be in a relationship in the first place: to find happiness. Your happiness. You will never be happy if you sacrifice everything on the altar of your partner's needs. If your partner's needs are so disjoint from what you have just naturally on offer that you have to set aside huge chunks of yourself (like your entire ego) to satisfy them, then you're mismatched. If you're right for each other, you'll fulfill each other's needs naturally, without undue effort, and not in a way that sacrifices the self.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'm not sure what other guys think, but I really appreciate a nice girl.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Exactly. Remember the reason you want to be in a relationship in the first place: to find happiness. Your happiness. You will never be happy if you sacrifice everything on the altar of your partner's needs. If your partner's needs are so disjoint from what you have just naturally on offer that you have to set aside huge chunks of yourself (like your entire ego) to satisfy them, then you're mismatched. If you're right for each other, you'll fulfill each other's needs naturally, without undue effort, and not in a way that sacrifices the self. Thanks Buck. I appreciate the words of wisdom. I've only been in two relationships, and I must say that I am still learning, especially when it comes to being assertive and putting myself first. I should also always remember that people date to find a match, and my last one was a serious mismatch. I romanticized things even when he was showing me who he really was. I insisted on seeing the good in him, when really, what he was willing to offer wasn't what I wanted deep inside.
naya1 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 im gonna bite the bullet and say yes, niceness doesnt work for girls. seriously, how many times ive turned around and changed for a guy. not anymore its a waste of time hun, always has and always will be. guys will more chase the town skank than the virgin.
Author gothowitz Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Lesson learned! It's sad that it had to come to this for me to discern this but the important thing is I'm not gonna make the same mistake again.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I just got out of a five-month-long relationship with a man who decided to drop me like a hot potato. I'm what people call the classic, all-around "good girl." When I get into a relationship, I start thinking in terms of "we" instead of "I," and more often than not, I find myself investing more of myself into it than the other person. I don't believe that I'm insecure and desperate. I know that I have a lot of things going for me, and I can be completely happy being alone. It's just really in my nature to nurture, and it makes me feel good to know that I am able to be there for the people that I love. I thought that if I showed him the true me, the me that didn't want to play games and just wanted to show him how much I cared about him, supported him through his multiple job application rejections, and appreciated the good things that he'd done for me, he'd never want to let me go. When we started our relationship, he'd told me that I was a good girlfriend and that I was unlike any of the girls he'd ever met because of my values. Even his family adored me when I met them because they'd probably heard stories from him about how I treated him. The one thing that I believe that would've been an issue for him was that, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I was very cautious about what I said and how I said things, so I usually tended to keep quiet when I got upset to think about whether I was justified for feeling the way I did instead of lashing out, and I think that that might have frustrated my ex no matter how many times I'd explained to him that I was working on that problem of mine. People have told me time and again that you shouldn't change who you are for somebody else, but I think that my "niceness" is working against me in my relationships. Am I really doing anything wrong? Do good girls really finish last? If the a man finds a woman attractive enough, niceness is definitely a plus. However, if the man is only somewhat attracted to the woman, he might end up using her - many women do the same thing.
strawberryshortstack Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Nice guys get a short end of the stick.....what is funny...these so called "nice girls" would never date a "nice guy" who would never walk all over them.... not true! I'm a nice girl, dating a nice guy and loving it!
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Ugh. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than play those games where I pretend to be the bitch. It's going to be exhausting pretending for the rest of your life. Not to mention that there will be times when you slip up and you will only come across as inconsistent and unstable. There are men out there who appreciate niceness and kindness. I would never want to be with someone that prefers a bitch.
rafallus Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 But I guess when I'm in a relationship, I tend to put my ego aside and try to think about the needs of my partner. Maybe my mistake was that I did it too much, at the expense of my own welfare. I made excuses for him, like when he would snap at me and I'd say to myself that maybe I should cut him some slack because he's tired or he's stressed out from work. Who doesn't get snippy sometimes, right? And this is where you turned into doormat. Probably. Just because someone's stressed, doesn't mean he can take it out on you. You're not his punching bag, but another person, with feelings too. If he failed to realize that, then good riddance.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I would rather be single for the rest of my life than play those games where I pretend to be the bitch. No offense, but I think a lot of the behavior toward your boyfriend you have described on this forum is far from nice or loving. I have never put a man through the wringer like you have. Now, maybe things are getting better, and if so, that's great. But so far, from what I can see, you are a prime example of how being mean and manipulative will win you unending devotion from a good guy.
sm1tten Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I'm actually looking at this issue another way, and that is that your (general you, not just the OP) expectation that if you act a certain way or do a certain thing (whether it is natural to you or not) that you will get a certain reaction or conclusion. That to me is a bigger problem, because relationships are not an exact science and you just can't guarantee that anything you do or say will get you what you want. Living as though there are formulas to follow in this is certain to always lead to disappointment.
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