Carm Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Hi, I'm torn about a new situation. I've been with this guy for 8 months and it's been great (although I do find him more selfish than I am). We're both in our mid 40's and have 2 kids each. My kids are 17 and 22 and both live with me. Up until a month ago we were talking about our future, where we see ourselves...i.e. would love to get married again (within another 2 years). He was on the same page, we even talked about how to make my home work since I have a modest size home. Last weekend he tells me that he's thought about it and he would love to marry me BUT he does not want to live with anybody's kids. He says he hasn't lived with his kids in many years and wouldn't even want to live with them. When he marries me, he wants it to be just him and me. The problem is that I'm not just going to kick my kids out. The younger one may go to university in our city in which case he'd still be with me for at least another 5 years. This has been gnawing in me and I don't know what to do? I love him and the thought of starting all over again (even though its been 8 months) is not something I'd look forward to. He's made it clear that he does not love me any less and he's just as committed to me and our relationship as he was before. He has changed the planned course of our relationship and I still need to digest this and adjust to it if I can??? Not sure what I'm asking of you guys but thought I'd throw it out there to see what your thoughts were?
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Your kids are more important than he is, trust me. You already said earlier in your post that he's more 'selfish' than you are (though you didn't elaborate). Many dads have more of a 'detachment' to their kids. It's ok, it's fine, it's the way it is, but I sometimes think women find it harder to detach because of the emotional and hormonal input. We are the more nurturing/holding gender. (This isn't a pi$$ing contest by the way. I'm just highlighting a difference, but that doesn't make women better parents. It makes the parental techniques and approaches different. That's all.) Maybe you need to explain to him that it's with you and the kids, or with you on your own, but later. Sorry, but - why do you actually even see the need to get married again, anyway? And why the time-frame? particularly as you have already highlighted a disparity....
rightfield Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 This guy should not try to compartmentalize the relationship. You are a mom, and you always will be. If he loves you, he should love all that you are. It makes me wonder why just having the kids out of the house will make him more comfortable. Just because they move away doesn't mean they go away completely. Is he going to have a problem with them visiting? What about when the marry and bring the grand-kids around? You need to explore this further and try to determine what his true feelings are in this area. I'm a male, and if it were me, I'd be looking at this from a different angle. If I really loved the woman, I'd be thinking about how best to accommodate her and her family going forward, and show them all that I care about them. I'd be concerned that this guy is too emotionally needy and doesn't want competition from your kids. Slow things down until you can determine what you are dealing with, and make it clear that you are a mom first, and if he wants a relationship with you, he is going to have to sign on for a relationship with a mom, and whatever that brings.
Author Carm Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Your kids are more important than he is, trust me. You already said earlier in your post that he's more 'selfish' than you are (though you didn't elaborate). Many dads have more of a 'detachment' to their kids. It's ok, it's fine, it's the way it is, but I sometimes think women find it harder to detach because of the emotional and hormonal input. We are the more nurturing/holding gender. (This isn't a pi$$ing contest by the way. I'm just highlighting a difference, but that doesn't make women better parents. It makes the parental techniques and approaches different. That's all.) Maybe you need to explain to him that it's with you and the kids, or with you on your own, but later. Sorry, but - why do you actually even see the need to get married again, anyway? And why the time-frame? particularly as you have already highlighted a disparity.... Hi TM, Thanks for the response. He's more selfish in that his schedule dictates what our weekends look like. He owns a successful business but on the side plays for the love of it, in a rock band. I can see how much fun he's having doing this but everyweekend means that I rarely get to do what I want (i.e. maybe even see a movie). Before you jump on this, I'm okay with it, the other band member's wives go which makes it a lot of fun. Just saying, it's never my say unless I've put my foot down which I have and last week he had a night off and I got to plan whatever I wanted to do and he was happy that I was happy. Why the need to get married? Well, there is no need per se to get married but I've been divorced for many years and at first I never thought I'd want to get re-married but over the years I've softened and it is something I miss very much. It's not something I need, just something I'd want!
Author Carm Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 This guy should not try to compartmentalize the relationship. You are a mom, and you always will be. If he loves you, he should love all that you are. It makes me wonder why just having the kids out of the house will make him more comfortable. Just because they move away doesn't mean they go away completely. Is he going to have a problem with them visiting? What about when the marry and bring the grand-kids around? You need to explore this further and try to determine what his true feelings are in this area. I'm a male, and if it were me, I'd be looking at this from a different angle. If I really loved the woman, I'd be thinking about how best to accommodate her and her family going forward, and show them all that I care about them. I'd be concerned that this guy is too emotionally needy and doesn't want competition from your kids. Slow things down until you can determine what you are dealing with, and make it clear that you are a mom first, and if he wants a relationship with you, he is going to have to sign on for a relationship with a mom, and whatever that brings. Hi RF, I get that and in fact, the first thing I told him is that I'm a package deal and my kids are part of that. I would think that a man as you say would try to accomodate the woman he loved but there is that selfish side that I have seen. Although, I have to say he's definitly not needy, he's indifferent to my kids. In talking to my gf, she calmed me down and just told me to slow things down as you have said and figure it out. I suppose I just didn't want to waste too much time if its not right. Not that this matters but I know I'm a catch, I work in the fitness industry so I'm in top notch shape and young looking and I just feel like I want to be on the same page as him. Argh!!!
Author Carm Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Okay when I say he's more selfish than I am then here is a perfect example. He had to change up our regular date night this week due to a previous engagement (a golf game). Ok no problem, we changed it to a Tuesday evening. He didn't even realize I had done the following, in order to make Tuesday evening work I had to cancel 2 clients that evening. Tomorrow night he's giging a few hours from our city so due to the fact that I have my teenage son, I told him I couldn't go. It's Friday evening here and tonight he's gone to a movie with his friend, the friends son and his autistic daughter. I was more than welcome to join in but I asked him if he can change the venue of the theatre as it was too far (45 minutes away) and I'd have to madly rush to pick up my son from work. I didn't think it was a big deal for him to drive an extra 15 minutes to another theatre just so we can also see each other since I'm not seeing him till Sunday night. He said he was sorry but he didn't think he had done anything wrong, that he didn't have a problem with me joining but that the location was what it was!! To me, that's selfish, relationships are about comprimising and negotiating and I fail to see that here!!
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