lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) I met this guy about 10 months ago in a class we had together and we also work together. Shortly after meeting, we became good friends and we would sit together in class and occasionally go get food or whatever. I had a boyfriend throughout most of this and it was fine as I would talk about him and all was good. Fast forward 8 months later. My boyfriend and I ended up breaking up. Shortly after this, this guy called me and said "So I have feelings for you and I'm pretty sure you're reciprocating them, right?" and I said that yes, I had grown to like him, but I NEVER acted on this or even talked about it while with my boyfriend. Anyways.. we talked about it after pretty casually that we had established we cared for each other. Briefly I considered getting back together with my boyfriend because despite this other guy, I loved (still do love) my boyfriend and thought I had made a mistake. After telling him this, he seemed distraught and upset which made me feel bad. We ended it for good though a few weeks later and naturally, he began talking to me again. So, we hungout one night where he kissed me. Then a few weeks later, I went to his place, and though I'm not the type to have sex so suddenly, I slept with him. It was natural and comfortable. Afterwards, he was affectionate and kept kissing me on my head, wanted me to stay over but I couldn't, etc. So after this, all was good, we still talked a lot and everything. Then I've noticed that the past couple of days he hasn't been texting as much... he'll either not respond or take hours to. And when I would mention hanging out, he would say "maybe" or just change the subject. I was confused by this and straight up asked him if something was up. He said that he didn't understand why I was making him feel guilty and that he's "the type of guy that chats to people when he wants to" or something. So then I backed down and decided to take it for what it was... a day where two friends had sex. So we started texting casually and then he randomly threw in, "We'll have to go for ice cream, we'll share it"... as if it's okay for HIM to make plans..? I don't know, ugh.. I'll say that I AM NOT interested in a relationship with him right now, but I'm just confused as to why he's seemed to do a total 180. Us sleeping together didn't seem wrong to be as we've been close for months and months... it's not like we just met and I thought we both knew we had at least something between us. Any insight? I'm really confused as to how to deal with this situation. Should I just ignore him, or act indifferent? We work together so there's gonna be some limited contact at the least. I'm thinking of just not texting him anymore and see how he goes about it.. Edited July 15, 2011 by lemonlegs
Hot Chick Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I would not initiate any contact with him for a while and when he does text, take a long, long time to reply or don't reply at all. Repeat, and repeat again. And don't jump to just go get ice cream with him because he asks. So you did the right thing there. Play it very cool as he is doing to you. Soon he'll come chasing you and he'll keep chasing.
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Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I would not initiate any contact with him for a while and when he does text, take a long, long time to reply or don't reply at all. Repeat, and repeat again. And don't jump to just go get ice cream with him because he asks. So you did the right thing there. Play it very cool as he is doing to you. Soon he'll come chasing you and he'll keep chasing. Thanks! I agree with what you've said and I think that's what I'll do. I'm still taken aback to how he totally changed from before... Any more insight?
Feelsgoodman Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 It sounds like he was upset that you ditched him to go back to your ex, so he no longer sees you as a prospect for a serious relationship (and I can't blame him).
Hot Chick Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I agree with Franklin to some extent, I forgot about that part. However, you didn't sleep with your friend until after it was completely over with your ex. It could be that he is "getting you back" to some extent for putting him through really liking you, then you went back briefly to the old boyfriend. But he should be over that by now. I think if you keep playing it cool, but still be super nice of course, it is the way to go. i think i would wait quite a while until more trust has built up and a more solid relationship before you sleep with him again....
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 It sounds like he was upset that you ditched him to go back to your ex, so he no longer sees you as a prospect for a serious relationship (and I can't blame him). Well a lot of what he said was said AFTER the second time he broke up. We had a conversation about it and I apologized explaining to him that it was hard, especially because my ex wasn't a bad guy or a bad boyfriend... it's not like I ditched him for a physically or emotionally abusive boyfriend. Anyways, a lot of what he said was said AFTER all of this happened... and why would he continue to lead me off if he genuinely felt that way? Not that it's a big deal because as I said... I'm not necessarily interested in a relationship with him, but I also don't want him to turn his back on me completely.
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'll say that I AM NOT interested in a relationship with him right now It's possible he picked up on that. Tell me, how many dates/girlfriends did he discuss with you during your time as 'friends' while you were with your boyfriend or breaking up/getting back with him? The keys are in the details. Further information may clarify, but it is entirely possible he has a different style regarding relationships and intimacy than you do. From what I read, yours is pretty casual, evidenced by feeling good about sleeping/having sex and intimacy with someone you aren't interested in a relationship with. His perspective might be different. One way to resolve this is communicate directly about it.
sm1tten Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 What exactly do you want from this guy, if not a relationship? To keep being friends, or to be friends who occasionally sleep together? If he's as confused as I am then no wonder he's backing off.
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 It's possible he picked up on that. Tell me, how many dates/girlfriends did he discuss with you during your time as 'friends' while you were with your boyfriend or breaking up/getting back with him? The keys are in the details. Further information may clarify, but it is entirely possible he has a different style regarding relationships and intimacy than you do. From what I read, yours is pretty casual, evidenced by feeling good about sleeping/having sex and intimacy with someone you aren't interested in a relationship with. His perspective might be different. One way to resolve this is communicate directly about it. That's one thing we did talk about a lot. He dated a girl we both worked with, so I knew her as well, and he told me the details of their relationship and why it didn't work out. He's mentioned other relationships and even flings that he has had. And yes, I know that he's slept with girls casually. One time he was the OM in a relationship, which he said he was not proud of, and he also had a one night stand with a girl he was also friends with at one point, which he claimed was a 'mistake', but I don't know the details of that one. After I was back with my boyfriend, the second time, we discussed it, and he said "You know how I feel, but I don't want to share you", which basically implies that he's interesting in 'having me'. I'm just confused as to why this is all gone out the window now. I did ask him last night after he started talking to me and then stopped answering. I said something along the lines of, "Maybe I'm overthinking this, so tell me if I'm in the wrong here, but I'm a little confused as to why you haven't been speaking to me as frequently IF you even respond to me. Just so you know, I'm not really expecting anything from you, if that's why you have decided to take a step back. I'm just a little bit confused and feeling some mixed signals, so a little insight would be good..." And he responded: "Just because I don't text you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you _______. I'm the kinda of guy who will chat when I feel like chatting or ignoring my cell altogether if I want to. I think it boils down on my end to refusing to feel smothered... by anything I guess... not that that's what you're necessarily doing, but I'm definitely feeling a guilt trip for something." I told him he has absolutely no reason to feel guilty... and that I guess I knew where I stood now. He disregarded the mixed signals question, and went right back into casual conversation by saying, "Okay, cool :)" Sigh...
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 What exactly do you want from this guy, if not a relationship? To keep being friends, or to be friends who occasionally sleep together? If he's as confused as I am then no wonder he's backing off. To be fair, this isn't something that's come up. I'm just as confused... and I don't even want to bring it up out of fear of "smothering" him... ugh. I'm actually a bit afraid to even say anything regarding it now, unless it's a face to face conversation, because I feel like he's viewing me as the psycho girl I shouldn't have slept with..
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I think you are a loose woman.....who likes attention.. I don't see how you've came to that conclusion. I'm definitely NOT loose, that's for sure. This is the first time I've been in this predicament... we weren't drunk when this happened and it's something I don't regret...
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 That's good clarity, IMO and explains a lot. His style is casual too and this extends to communication. In the future, please add such information in the OP. It's really good information. At this point, I'd say you and he are a match. Neither of you really want a committed relationship with each other but do enjoy interacting with each other as time and interest dictate. There is some mismatch in communication style but that could be reflective of your respective casual styles of relating. He says he doesn't want to share you but his actions don't reflect that, hence your 'mixed signals' thread. Remember what LS conventional wisdom is about words and actions?
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 That's good clarity, IMO and explains a lot. His style is casual too and this extends to communication. In the future, please add such information in the OP. It's really good information. At this point, I'd say you and he are a match. Neither of you really want a committed relationship with each other but do enjoy interacting with each other as time and interest dictate. There is some mismatch in communication style but that could be reflective of your respective casual styles of relating. He says he doesn't want to share you but his actions don't reflect that, hence your 'mixed signals' thread. Remember what LS conventional wisdom is about words and actions? Thanks carhill! His actions, up until a couple days ago, indicated to me that he was interested in me, even just as a friend, but now it seems like he could care less if he talks to me or sees me. Just confused... and I don't even want to bother figuring it out. He likes to say that it's just "how he is" yet that didn't seem to be "how was was" 2 weeks ago.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Well a lot of what he said was said AFTER the second time he broke up. We had a conversation about it and I apologized explaining to him that it was hard, especially because my ex wasn't a bad guy or a bad boyfriend... it's not like I ditched him for a physically or emotionally abusive boyfriend. Anyways, a lot of what he said was said AFTER all of this happened... and why would he continue to lead me off if he genuinely felt that way? Not that it's a big deal because as I said... I'm not necessarily interested in a relationship with him, but I also don't want him to turn his back on me completely. I am 99% sure that once you decided to try to work things out with the ex, he wrote you off a serious relationship prospect. If he was still sweet to you, it was because he wanted a casual fling (or maybe, if he was hurt, he just wanted to have the last laugh by having sex with you and then ignoring you). Getting involved with a woman who still has feelings for her ex is never a good idea. She will dump you the minute her ex reciprocates her desire to get back together. Even if they don't get back together, she will continue pining for him. As I said above, you can hardly blame the guy for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. I suggest that you get over your ex before you start dating other men.
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I am 99% sure that once you decided to try to work things out with the ex, he wrote you off a serious relationship prospect. If he was still sweet to you, it was because he wanted a casual fling (or maybe, if he was hurt, he just wanted to have the last laugh by having sex with you and then ignoring you). Getting involved with a woman who still has feelings for her ex is never a good idea. She will dump you the minute her ex reciprocates her desire to get back together. Even if they don't get back together, she will continue pining for him. As I said above, you can hardly blame the guy for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. I suggest that you get over your ex before you start dating other men. Thank you for your insight, but just to clarify, I'm the one that broke up with my boyfriend. If I WANTED to get back together with him, I'm pretty confident that I could...and he knows that...
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'm hearing 'inconsistency'. Would a man (or woman for that matter) who truly wanted you to themselves be inconsistent in that pursuit? A healthy man? Another relevant factor is your perspective. You don't want a relationship with him but I'm beginning to sense that you really enjoy that he might want a relationship with you. Otherwise, this would all remain within the realm of casual, meaning it really doesn't matter, a lot like those FWB threads we read here on LS. No emotional involvement and low expectations, hence any incompatibility in communication or relationship styles would be irrelevant to continuation. It would be 'whatever', an interesting and hopefully pleasurable addition to an already full life. Could you see him like that? As 'whatever'? I don't mean in a negative way at all, rather a neutral way..... whatever happens, happens. If nothing, nothing.
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I'm hearing 'inconsistency'. Would a man (or woman for that matter) who truly wanted you to themselves be inconsistent in that pursuit? A healthy man? Another relevant factor is your perspective. You don't want a relationship with him but I'm beginning to sense that you really enjoy that he might want a relationship with you. Otherwise, this would all remain within the realm of casual, meaning it really doesn't matter, a lot like those FWB threads we read here on LS. No emotional involvement and low expectations, hence any incompatibility in communication or relationship styles would be irrelevant to continuation. It would be 'whatever', an interesting and hopefully pleasurable addition to an already full life. Could you see him like that? As 'whatever'? I don't mean in a negative way at all, rather a neutral way..... whatever happens, happens. If nothing, nothing. I think if his attitude continues as is, then yes, I'd have to force myself to feel that way. And I do have feelings for him, as he does for me... apparently. So it does hurt to think that this guy I did care about (whether as friends or something more) would just toss me aside when he decided he didn't mean what he said or whatever his hang up is. The only reason why I'm not interested in a relationship right now is because I JUST got out of one and am in no rush to be serious with anyone right now, but that doesn't mean I'm against any sort of intimacy with anyone... As far as I'm concerned he is being very inconsistent. I had my doubts but he seemed so genuine... maybe he just sees me as a 'whatever'.
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Since this is on your mind, my advice would be to leave him in 'whatever' land for now. Neutrality. You were friends who got together sexually and the tone of the friendship changed over time. Happens a lot. Either of you could meet 'the one' tomorrow and all the 'rules' (like it's too soon for a serious relationship) could get thrown right out. Having been filler material in enough women's lives, I've come to accept that reality. I don't think they do it maliciously and with intent to harm, rather it's 'whatever' and it filled a need at the time and it's time to move on to the next need. Perhaps this man is the same way. Right now his 'need' for you has waned. His history indicates to me that this is a likely scenario. Neutrality. It works. Good luck
Author lemonlegs Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Since this is on your mind, my advice would be to leave him in 'whatever' land for now. Neutrality. You were friends who got together sexually and the tone of the friendship changed over time. Happens a lot. Either of you could meet 'the one' tomorrow and all the 'rules' (like it's too soon for a serious relationship) could get thrown right out. Having been filler material in enough women's lives, I've come to accept that reality. I don't think they do it maliciously and with intent to harm, rather it's 'whatever' and it filled a need at the time and it's time to move on to the next need. Perhaps this man is the same way. Right now his 'need' for you has waned. His history indicates to me that this is a likely scenario. Neutrality. It works. Good luck Thank you carhill! Your advice is valued... that's what I will do. I won't talk to him unless I need to, or unless he initiates it.
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