monik Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I have been separated from my husband for almost three weeks. We have been having issues for about a year and we finally separated when he told me he met someone. He said he have not hooked up with her yet, and from his actions in these past three weeks, I believe him. I am not stalking him, but he is now living with his mother and one of his best friends is my good friend's brother, so they tell me his whereabouts. I am devastated from this separation as I knew we were going through some rough time in the past year, but I didn't think it would be another woman that would break our marriage. I still want to make up with him, and is mad that he shared his emotions with another woman, but not with me, but I am not mad at him for our separation as we both slacked in building a strong relationship. I think he haven't hooked up with the other woman because he is trying to make up his mind about our separation. Our separation was fairly peaceful and we are still fairly friendly with each other. No big argument, no screaming contest...it's like we are letting things cool down before deciding whether we should move forward with the separation. I was wondering were most of you friendly with your ex during your separation? I like being in contact with him, and I think he's fine with our contact too, but I understand limited contact is the best thing to do too. Should I bother with the no contact if we are both fine with it? We have also done the deeds too when we saw each other....I guess we are newly separated so we are not used to going this long without it. Have you still "hooked up" with your ex during your separation? Good or bad idea?
marqueemoon4 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 separation was like WWIII for me. My exW is dead to me.
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 So, H is seeing other women but not having sex with them and is having sex with you. Interesting arrangement. Is this to be an informal separation or legal separation? What are the ground rules? Who lives where and is fraternization allowed and is sex allowed and what actions will be taken to reconcile the M? Example (not advice): We're going to live separately, agree to not date others, refrain from sexual relations and attend MC with the goal to reconcile within six months. Without a plan, this 'limbo' could go on for months, or years. It could get 'comfortable'. Was I friendly with my exW during our separation? Absolutely, with only one or two unfriendly encounters over our property settlement. Did we date others? I did not until after we decided to file for divorce and then it was about six months after that. I have no idea what she did but she did have a live-in BF before our divorce was final. We did attend MC for over a year. Once we decided to separate, I never desired nor had sex with her again. She was essentially dead to me. I'm still cordial with her during very infrequent contacts. My social circle still considers her a friend. Hope that helps
Author monik Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 When my husband confessed about the other woman, he told me he was having dinner with her once a week. After we separated, I do not know how frequently he sees her, but given what my "spies" have told me, he can't be seeing her more than once a week. I haven't asked him how he is doing with her because I don't want her to appear like she is so important. I just know he haven't hooked up with her. So yes, he is having sex with me (and both times were initiated by me.) We haven't talked anymore about our separation. The last time we talked was the night he moved out, and we both feel that we do not need to legally file for separation yet, so I am hoping we will reconcile...considering he haven't hooked up with the other woman yet. This is part of the reason why I am having sex with him...I don't want him to go to the other woman for it (and also because we do have pretty decent sex.) If/when he does hook up with the other woman, then I am sure sex and everything else will be off the table. He is so confused about his life and have no idea what to do about things at the moment. I know that this is no excuse to abandon me and the kids, but being with him for 12 years, I could actually see where his confusion is stemming from. I am trying to be understanding about it, so I am waiting for him to decide. In these past three weeks, I have been encouraging him and letting him know I will support his decisions, whatever they may be. Of course, like I said, if he still decides to hook up with the other woman, then I will give up and do the limited contact for our kids sake. I just want to see if being overly friendly will be good or bad for our relationship.
carhill Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I couldn't see in your backstory.... how old are you and he? Short version is you have two kids, have had some financial reverses and your relationship has suffered. Your grandmother just died. He's acting distant, has a woman he's seeing socially but is still having sexual relations with you, initiated by you. Hmm... You've had one IC session. No MC. Correct? I found, as a function of MC, that clarity (clearly seeing and understanding and accepting the issues in front of us) was an important tool and path to resolving the relationship (in our case to D) as well as to remain cordial throughout. What I'm sensing in your story, though perhaps not reflective of your perception, is benevolent chaos. Everything is up in the air, like a swirling maelstrom. Some simple questions, for reflection: Do you love your husband? Do you want to resolve this, meaning either to reconcile or divorce? What is *your* plan for that resolution? This is a plan which addresses your perspectives, desires, and grievances... How will you enact that plan? Can you accept that what your H decides/chooses is completely outside of your control? This is a lot harder than a simple 'yes', as we humans are always trying to influence and control the actions of others, even if only within our minds. It's a psychological process of change and acceptance. You may have already answered some or all of these questions, but clarify the answers in your mind and then write them down and then discuss them with your counselor. TBH, if you want to reconcile IMO MC would be your best shot. You and he and a competent professional in a room with a plan for recovery. IC will help you but it will not generally help the M, hence it's name 'individual counseling'. YMMV, but my experience with MC, lasting over a year, had me pretty much 'fighting' the process until about eight months in. It was at that point that the tools and processes and lessons really began to sink in. Everyone is different. I hope things work out the way you want.
Steadfast Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I have been separated from my husband for almost three weeks. We have been having issues for about a year and we finally separated when he told me he met someone. He said he have not hooked up with her yet, and from his actions in these past three weeks, I believe him. I am not stalking him, but he is now living with his mother and one of his best friends is my good friend's brother, so they tell me his whereabouts. Don't take any of this personally, but you sound a little bit delusional. Spouses don't move out and actually confess to having someone else without the understanding of where it will lead. And while anything is possible, the chances are (if history and human nature can be factored in) that their relationship is farther along than you're willing to admit. I'd bet they're doing more than talking and getting ice cream. A lot more. I am devastated from this separation as I knew we were going through some rough time in the past year, but I didn't think it would be another woman that would break our marriage. The OW didn't break up your marriage; he did. Understand that. She might be making the decision a bit easier for him, but chances are if it wasn't her it would be someone else. Place the blame where it belongs. I still want to make up with him, and is mad that he shared his emotions with another woman, but not with me, but I am not mad at him for our separation as we both slacked in building a strong relationship. I think he haven't hooked up with the other woman because he is trying to make up his mind about our separation. You should be mad. I know the emotions of separation, but you must ask yourself what you'd be gaining by getting him back. Trust is not easy to rebuild. Judge him on his actions; not what you want to believe or what your 'spies' are telling you. My separation was not easy. Not exactly warfare, but not friendly. When I let her go and stopped trying to win her back her actions changed dramatically. Now, three years later and with her realization that I refuse to be used, leaned on or exist as her back up plan her true colors have been revealed. She loathes me...or acts like it. But it's all one sided. Sometimes, having dedication to stay on the path to happiness takes unusual strength. Users want to use and when they can't...they hate. We have also done the deeds too when we saw each other....I guess we are newly separated so we are not used to going this long without it. Have you still "hooked up" with your ex during your separation? Good or bad idea? Bad, bad idea. He isn't just taking all the power, you're throwing away in a desperate attempt to win. Do you want to really attract him? Be unavailable for his twisted bidding. With any luck you'll see what a slime he really is and save that love and devotion for someone who deserves it. Good luck. Keep posting and stay strong! Don't be used. Take a stand-
Mz. Pixie Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 It's not good for you if your intentions are trying to win him back using sex and such. I know you must want him back but to allow him to use you like that is wrong and to keep up contact with him is only going to hurt you. I honestly don't think your spies would give you all the information either. They wouldn't want to hurt you like that.
Recommended Posts