robdrm32 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Has anyone been through this? Where you can attract women, even get g/f's but after a little while your insecurities surface and the girl loses attraction/feelings? I'm a good looking guy, so attracting women isn't a problem it's just at some point my insecurities shine through and it KILLS attraction. Is anyone here a reformed insecure man? What are specific things you did to overcome being insecure? I have read the lists, i know (in theory) how not to act/be insecure but behavior is a difficult thing to change and when you've been insecure for so long its not as easy as "dont be a b*tch"
Mr. Savage Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Can you give some examples of what has happened in previous relationships that caused them to go south?
Casablanca Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Has anyone been through this? Where you can attract women, even get g/f's but after a little while your insecurities surface and the girl loses attraction/feelings? I'm a good looking guy, so attracting women isn't a problem it's just at some point my insecurities shine through and it KILLS attraction. Is anyone here a reformed insecure man? What are specific things you did to overcome being insecure? I have read the lists, i know (in theory) how not to act/be insecure but behavior is a difficult thing to change and when you've been insecure for so long its not as easy as "dont be a b*tch" What topics exactly are you insecure about? Trusting someone in a relationship, someone being able to love you, commitment, etc?
Author robdrm32 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) Can you give some examples of what has happened in previous relationships that caused them to go south? Well when i was 18 my first g/f cheated with a good friend. That messed me up good. Didn't date for another 4 years or so, got cheated on again. Then most recently my new g/f ended things because she lost feelings after like 2 months. None of my relationships have lasted more than about 3 months, and girls in between that i talked to would be interested at first but it never got into a relationship because I think i killed attraction. So i think its a trust issue, I find it so hard to trust anyone, male or female. A few days before my recent ex ended things I said things that made it clear I didn't trust her and she said that it hurt alot and I think that was the breaking point. What sucks is she is a very good girl, beautiful, and deserved my trust. Now i'll admit she was very awkward and had a hard time showing any affection but looking back i know she cared. Whenever i start talking to or dating a girl i'm always looking for those little red flags so I don't get attached and hurt in the long run. I think that shows through and they pick up on it, therefore subconsciously killing attraction. Recent ex couldn't say why she lost feelings but I know why. Because i acted very insecure alot of times and I know thats very unattractive. I think a part of it also is I would always be quick to dump my feelings on her, quite frankly talking too much and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Edited July 15, 2011 by robdrm32
Ginger Beer Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'm like you, OP. I, like you have had a few bad experiences in the past with girls (girls flaking, leading me on, etc). In fact I've only ever dumped one girl and that was because I thought she'd eventually dump me. I feel like when I like a new girl, it's only a matter of time before the inevitable happens and she ends it, because that's what's always happened to me. They've always ended it in a way that didn't respect me, too. I think that made my insecurities worse.
Teknoe Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Is anyone here a reformed insecure man? What are specific things you did to overcome being insecure? I still have my insecurities, but I've been able to bury much of them. Here's what has worked for me -Buying clothes that I look and feel good in. It's amazing what a new wardrobe can do for your confidence. I even had a platonic lady friend come shop with me specifically to tell me what she thinks looks good on me. Spent about $250 that day and it was worth it. Having an attractive lady friend tell you "Mmm, yeah that definitely looks GOOD on you" is already an instant confidence booster -Become good at public speaking. Try a PS course at a community college. Or do Toastmasters. If you can conquer your fear of speaking in front of 30 strangers, suddenly, you're a lot more confident. I highly recommend this to all shy, insecure people. Becoming a good public speaker does wonders for one's confidence -Renewing your mind. It's as simple as starting to love yourself more. Less putdowns, more thinking "Hey kid, you alright." Soon, thoughts become reality. It takes constant practice though and varies from individual to individual -Setting goals and accomplishing them. When I was young, one of my goals was to some day BE IN THE MOVIES. I saw that dream come true when I auditioned and was casted for an independent film. Not only is it a great story to share on dates, but accomplishing something difficult I had set as a goal spiked my confidence ten-fold. Start with smaller goals, and build your way up -Finally shed those 5-15 pounds you've been meaning to. Just working out, running, playing sports... these things will make you feel good, and look better -Getting a support group that believes in you. Have good friends/company. Love people who love you. For those who are Christian, a church is a GREAT place to get local support and community. If you've had past hurt experiences in the church, understand it wasn't your fault and that stuff happens because that's life. But don't be afraid to try again (maybe at a different church). -Volunteer. The best way to pick yourself up is to pick SOMEBODY ELSE up! Hope this helps. Try them!
Author robdrm32 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Good advice I agree with alot of this, and already employ some of it (sports, staying in shape) but one thing that always gets me is the fear of being alone. even with my recent ex, i wasn't happy for the longest time. tried talking to her nothing helped but i stuck with it because I just didn't want to be alone. I mulled breaking up with her and almost did many times. So when she ended things it played on that insecurity and while i haven't begged for her back or anything I have tried to reconcile to no avail. And the more i think about it, it's not that I was in love or anything I just don't want to lose her attraction to me. It's a strange dynamic, thanks for the input.
Casablanca Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Well when i was 18 my first g/f cheated with a good friend. That messed me up good. Didn't date for another 4 years or so, got cheated on again. You can't judge someone based on the actions of others; I know it is hard...I have had a decent amount of women flat out lie to be about being interested and strung me a long until I gave up Then most recently my new g/f ended things because she lost feelings after like 2 months. That can easily happen once the honey moon period wears off...I have lost feelings and Ive had my gf lose feelings...it goes both ways...dating is a leap of faith. My last gf I started worring about this because she was getting hard to get a hold of and took for ever to respond back, I took that as not interested, but she still was and we kept going out until she found out she was going to have to move to georgia to take care of her mom None of my relationships have lasted more than about 3 months, and girls in between that i talked to would be interested at first but it never got into a relationship because I think i killed attraction. You sound probably close to my age, you just havent met the right one; you just have to keep looking So i think its a trust issue, I find it so hard to trust anyone, male or female. A few days before my recent ex ended things I said things that made it clear I didn't trust her and she said that it hurt alot and I think that was the breaking point. As Jerry Seinfeld said, you dont start showing someone who you "really" are until 6 months in to where they have invested too much to be scared off by a couple little things....and by "really" he means all the little crazy we have in ourselves...so yeah, without trust there can be no relationship, and if it takes you a long time to trust someone, it is going to be hard, and you should keep that to yourself for a little bit Whenever i start talking to or dating a girl i'm always looking for those little red flags so I don't get attached and hurt in the long run. I think that shows through and they pick up on it, therefore subconsciously killing attraction. Red flags can be hard to pick up...my most recent gf, after one phone conversation I really wasnt that into her (I met her online), she said she was sick, so we met eventually and it really good, I was still on the fence (but improving), but then our second date she really started to open up...she was really shy at first, and it took her a bit to show her personality...so what I thought was a red flag (super shy), turned out to be a false alarm Recent ex couldn't say why she lost feelings but I know why. Because i acted very insecure alot of times and I know thats very unattractive. Try to keep as much of that to yourself I think a part of it also is I would always be quick to dump my feelings on her, quite frankly talking too much and wearing my heart on my sleeve. It is okay to wear your heart on your sleeve, but you don't want to dump all your feelings on anyone too quickly, it will freak out some, may come off as desperate or may come off as too clingy, or moving too fast Teknoe's advice is really good too!
Author robdrm32 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Teknoe's advice is really good too! thanks for the detailed response. I don't take my first 2 g/f's cheating too much to heart as they were kinda crazy. It's just all the other instances of my pouring out feelings to women, rather than waiting for them to get it out of me. It scared a few off before we could get serious. And my recent ex, I think thats what i did. I tried to move things too fast emotionally, and i opened up to show her she didn't have to be afraid but I just went too far and it killed the attraction. I started out exactly the way I wanted, she had stronger feelings for me, and i just played it cool. We talked for like 4 months before being exclusive, and we only ended up making out so I did take that aspect slow, I see now that I let all of my feelings out in the open for her, unsolicited. And thats never really a good thing. I made it too easy for her, I let her know that I was scared. And women don't like weakness in a man.
Author robdrm32 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't agree with the "buying new clothes, shedding weight" solution. There is a much deeper issue here that you can't cover up. You need to deal with the trust issue specifically and there are people you can talk to about it- people who can help you move on from that. I'm talking specifically about a mental health professional. This happens to so many people and they don't deal with it and , you know what? It stays with them the rest of their life. You still very clearly blame yourself for being cheated on. You want to get to a point where you can bring a woman into your life and trust them but covering the main issue up with external things isn't going to help you. You are right i do need to talk to a therapist, just to work through these issues. I can't say I blame myself for their cheating, as the first g/f is the one who messed me up so bad to begin with. It's more keeping a girl's attraction that i'm getting at, and being insecure works totally against that in alot of cases.
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