MichaelV Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Hello everyone. I've got a bit of an 'issue' I'd like to go over and see if it's as common as a dodo egg. Background: Deep down I'm a 100% nice guy; I'm very romantic, have pure thoughts and wanted a perfect fairy tale type love marriage since I was about 16yo. Although I was always like this (deep inside), I've often been called a player before my university years and most women in my life would probably say that I'm an arrogant ass with their friends thinking that I'm a cheater too (never actually happened). Anyway, moving on. I've since had several life changing tragedies that (I'm guessing) have affected my personality too. However, the cheating/jealousy thing (below) has always been there, it's just that it took me years to track and realise it. Ok, the cheating thing; it's complex, so I'll keep it to the point: 1) If a woman approaches me with the intention of getting intimate and I consider the idea in my head as a fantasy (whilst in a relationship); that in itself causes me a lot of stress, nightmares and generally feeling ill, potentially for days. 2) I can't force myself to be involved with any woman who has ever cheated or showcases too much flirty behavior. For example, a girl I sometimes fantasized about (when single) bumped into me in a club on the way out and, essentially, hinted strongly that I should grab her "nice pair of tits" to see if I like them. My brain got instantly shut down and I was completely turned off even though that's exactly what I actually fantasised about. 3) I've been involved with 4 women in my life thus far who wanted to marry me but I'm now questioning if I'll ever be able to since, the above problems and lack of trust (I'm not sure I can trust women at all) leave me generally stuck and upset about any relationship. The sources of mistrust are probably: 1) Fact that ALL women have lied to me before getting involved (i.e. they all told their stories from a very very very positive perspective) 2) Internet, books, women's articles etc The above has also meant that although I've had many opportunities to "get laid", I've never done it without being in a long relationship. This not only means that I can count them on one hand, it also means that, despite the frustration, I won't be able to do anything about this in the future. Am I alone in this world? Or just destined to be either single, depressed, or frustrated? PS - I've not been single for years and as far as I know have never been "technically" cheated on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 The sources of mistrust are probably: 1) Fact that ALL women have lied to me before getting involved (i.e. they all told their stories from a very very very positive perspective) 2) Internet, books, women's articles etc The above has also meant that although I've had many opportunities to "get laid", I've never done it without being in a long relationship. This not only means that I can count them on one hand, it also means that, despite the frustration, I won't be able to do anything about this in the future. Am I alone in this world? Or just destined to be either single, depressed, or frustrated? PS - I've not been single for years and as far as I know have never been "technically" cheated on. You are basically asking... how can you trust women? The sad answer is that you can't. You can however trust A woman. However, that means you will need to lower your emotional walls and take the chance of being hurt. We don't get any long term collateral like women do, so you are just going to have to be very brave.
alexandria35 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 You sound a lot like my ex. We had a lot of sexual problems due to his conflicting thoughts and feelings regarding women showing him their desire. On the one hand, having a woman openly desire him gave him a great ego boost and on the other hand, he would attach all of these negative qualities to the woman because she was openly desiring him. Does that make sense to you? cause it didn't make sense to me and he used to drive me nuts with this ****! I, a woman who has always loved sharing my desires with the man I love, became very sexually reserved and self concious around him. I was always so confused about what he wanted from me and it seemed like I couldn't please him. Shortly after we began a sexual relationship I realized that he didn't really like a woman coming on to him for sex, so I toned that down to try to make him feel more comfortable. Then he would complain that I didn't make him feel wanted or desirable, so then I would flirt and come on to him and he would respond to that with disdain. Eventually I just gave up and our sex life became completely pathetic. Whenever I tried to discuss it with him he it turned back on me, saying I didn't know how to turn him on. This made me feel horrible and my own sexuality withered and died. I felt completely undesirable myself. I don't if you have the same thing going on or not, but what you said reminded me of him. When you are in a committed relationship is the sex good between you and your significant other? Or do you struggle with that too? I'm confused because you say you have these opportunities to get laid and then ask if you're destined to be single forever because you can't/don't take the women up on their offers. What do cheap one night stands have to do with finding a committed relationship? It sounds like you just don't go for cheap easy sex. Lots of people don't and I think that's perfectly normal and healthy. Do you feel that being a single man, you should be bedding down lots of women and you are somehow inadequate for not doing so? Because I think lots of guys don't really like one night stands but because of the way guys talk to each other about their conquests they feel like they should. So what exactly are you taking an issue with? Is it that you don't want meaningless sex or is that you have some kind of sexual hang up that prevents you from having the sex you really want?
Author MichaelV Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I don't if you have the same thing going on or not, but what you said reminded me of him. When you are in a committed relationship is the sex good between you and your significant other? Or do you struggle with that too? I'm confused because you say you have these opportunities to get laid and then ask if you're destined to be single forever because you can't/don't take the women up on their offers. What do cheap one night stands have to do with finding a committed relationship? It sounds like you just don't go for cheap easy sex. Lots of people don't and I think that's perfectly normal and healthy. Do you feel that being a single man, you should be bedding down lots of women and you are somehow inadequate for not doing so? Because I think lots of guys don't really like one night stands but because of the way guys talk to each other about their conquests they feel like they should. So what exactly are you taking an issue with? Is it that you don't want meaningless sex or is that you have some kind of sexual hang up that prevents you from having the sex you really want? You've hit a lot of interesting points there. 1) I don't have any sex issues other than being a pain in the backside to please. So, I suppose, it can be classed as ok or satisfactory since, I'm pleased about it half the time. 2) I've never had a one night stand and don't date women whom I don't view as potential life partners. 3) I feel like there aren't any reasonably attractive women in the world who actually share my views (NOT banged 20 dudes and then changed their mind) and YES I now feel like I should have bedded over a 100 women but feel that my beliefs are due to my genetics which means I can't do anything about it. Now, my initial concern is that basically I feel like my mind is stuck on being too pure and won't let me think or do anything that isn't in line with that. I hear and read of other people's infidelity and it makes me sick...like I start feeling depressed and hating women. I also feel that all of this is genetics and it makes sure I can't act on anything. Do not confuse this with a desire to cheat; I'm merely pointing out the complete inability to, even in cases where I would otherwise would've liked to, hypothetically so to speak.
alexandria35 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 You've hit a lot of interesting points there. 1) I don't have any sex issues other than being a pain in the backside to please. So, I suppose, it can be classed as ok or satisfactory since, I'm pleased about it half the time. If you are difficult to please and only satisfied about half the time, your partner(s) may disagree about on the sex issues thing. Why is it difficult to please you? 2) I've never had a one night stand and don't date women whom I don't view as potential life partners. I don't view this as a problem. If you don't want to have sex just for the sake of having sex, then you shouldn't. Stay true to your heart even if it can be little isolating sometimes. 3) I feel like there aren't any reasonably attractive women in the world who actually share my views (NOT banged 20 dudes and then changed their mind) and YES I now feel like I should have bedded over a 100 women but feel that my beliefs are due to my genetics which means I can't do anything about it. Maybe you should consider changing your social enviroment. Hanging out in clubs where drunken women are inviting you to grab their tits is probably not the best way to go about finding a serious relationship. My ex used to also get disgusted by the way women behaved in bars and talked like they represented all women. This used to tick me off as I would point out that there are lots of single women who don't even go to the clubs. Now, my initial concern is that basically I feel like my mind is stuck on being too pure and won't let me think or do anything that isn't in line with that. I hear and read of other people's infidelity and it makes me sick...like I start feeling depressed and hating women. I also feel that all of this is genetics and it makes sure I can't act on anything. Do not confuse this with a desire to cheat; I'm merely pointing out the complete inability to, even in cases where I would otherwise would've liked to, hypothetically so to speak. I don't think your beliefs have anything to do with genetics since we are born with our genes but our beliefs develop over our lifetime. I get what you are saying though, as I feel much the same way. I don't how old you are but I'm assuming you are still young. I'm single and I'm in my forties. Seems like the new thing for single people my age is online dating sites or going to bars. I refuse to partake in either of these activities, and I also refuse to get involved with anyone at work so it makes it difficult to meet new people. I want to meet someone the old fashioned way, haha.I'm amazed at how many people in my age group are getting around in the sex department with the misguided belief that they are going to find a meaningful relationship this way. I try not to be judgemental but I can't help it, it disgusts me. On the other hand, I sometimes wish I could take a more casual attitude towards sex and dating as I feel like my morals and beliefs are seriously limiting my prospects and it often looks like the people who are more relaxed about these things are having a lot more fun then I am. Haha. Lastly I just wanted to say that if you want to get more responses to your dilemma you might want to try reposting on a different board. Like maybe the dating board or the cheating and jealousy board.
Author MichaelV Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 I don't talk about sex with my partner sadly since it all became a bit taboo (she had way too many) basically she won't discuss the sex thing at all. I never managed to get her to admit that she masturbates too, that topic is considered a danger zone so she won't go there and play dumb. I think the reason that I don't feel satisfied is because for some reason I'm always expecting it to be better (after 5+ years together) and it's just not. The thing about one night stands is that I wish I had them. However, I know I can't because I'd be depressed and feel ill for ages if I did. I'd feel used etc which is all in my mind and not reasoning. I think I'm in a steady relationship so the social environment isn't an issue. Incidentally though, I've only been to a club 3 times in my whole life...and I'm almost 30 I'm very pleased with the responses though as, considering the psychologically messed up nature of my original post, the net result is already that I've learnt more about myself and are coming to terms with various issues (or at least thinking about them). I say all this is genetics because apart from the ani-male and anti-cheating behaviour most of my close relatives are similar or at least seem that way i.e. most of them have been married for 50+ years and I'd be extremely surprised if there ever was any cheating involved. I also remember masturbating to my girlfriends when they were away..I mean, who the hell does that? - It's not right. I agree with you on that it seems our similarities are not causing us any bonus fun so to speak. It all can get rather depressing rather quickly to be honest. Especially if you're naturally a deep thinker. Oh and here's another messed up thing I hate. I'm very poor and hope to be rich one day (not getting my hopes up any more though but I used to be a go getter when younger) BUT!!!...I'm not fantasising about money, cars, yachts and women.....er well that's all great but the BIG idea is the ability to then have several children, retire, and then spend most of my life with my family (NOT something I'd be interested in when being broke). I think this is all nonsense which doesn't help me be happy and is just another constraint...irrelevant to this post maybe but thought I'd mention it anyway Your ex seemed, 'problematic'. This makes we wonder about several things. How long were you with him? Was it you who broke it off? And how many partners or sexual encounters you've had in your current lifetime? (if many just round to whatever is closer ) Yes I'm nosy but it's also curiosity and I have a good heart so tell me
nyrias Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Lose the discussion about genetics. I am quite willing to take the OP's word about his disposition towards relationship but this is clearly not a scientific discussion and there is no way to determine what role genetics is playing in this single case. To the OP ... i think the options are pretty straight forward. 1) Given the statistics (and don't delude yourself that you can do better), you are taking a pretty substantial risks if you engage in a long term relationship. This site is the perfect evidence of that risk. 2) Or, you can avoid long term relationships and be lonely. No perfect solution. You pick of the lesser of the two evils. (And yes, someone does strike the lottery in (1) too and have a happy marriage, but remember apriori, the chance is quite less than 100%).
alexandria35 Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I don't talk about sex with my partner sadly since it all became a bit taboo (she had way too many) basically she won't discuss the sex thing at all. I never managed to get her to admit that she masturbates too, that topic is considered a danger zone so she won't go there and play dumb. I think the reason that I don't feel satisfied is because for some reason I'm always expecting it to be better (after 5+ years together) and it's just not. She had way to many what? Partners? How old is she? If she is still in her early twenties she may still feel shy about discussing these things with you. The thing about one night stands is that I wish I had them. However, I know I can't because I'd be depressed and feel ill for ages if I did. I'd feel used etc which is all in my mind and not reasoning. Now I'm more confused. You're in a long term relationship and you consider yourself a faithful person so why are you stressing about how many one night stands you have or haven't had? Do you see yourself making a longterm commitment to the girl you are with or are you waiting for something better to come along? I think I'm in a steady relationship so the social environment isn't an issue. Incidentally though, I've only been to a club 3 times in my whole life...and I'm almost 30 I'm very pleased with the responses though as, considering the psychologically messed up nature of my original post, the net result is already that I've learnt more about myself and are coming to terms with various issues (or at least thinking about them). I say all this is genetics because apart from the ani-male and anti-cheating behaviour most of my close relatives are similar or at least seem that way i.e. most of them have been married for 50+ years and I'd be extremely surprised if there ever was any cheating involved. I also remember masturbating to my girlfriends when they were away..I mean, who the hell does that? - It's not right. Well maybe all of your relatives were raised with the same morals and values. Do you feel like your family instilled your values in you? Are you saying that when your girlfriends went away you would fanatasize about them for self pleasure? Sounds normal to me, but I'm kind of a bore that way. When I am in love with a man, I don't even fantasize about anyone else but him. I agree with you on that it seems our similarities are not causing us any bonus fun so to speak. It all can get rather depressing rather quickly to be honest. Especially if you're naturally a deep thinker. Oh and here's another messed up thing I hate. I'm very poor and hope to be rich one day (not getting my hopes up any more though but I used to be a go getter when younger) BUT!!!...I'm not fantasising about money, cars, yachts and women.....er well that's all great but the BIG idea is the ability to then have several children, retire, and then spend most of my life with my family (NOT something I'd be interested in when being broke). I think this is all nonsense which doesn't help me be happy and is just another constraint...irrelevant to this post maybe but thought I'd mention it anyway Probably a good idea to hold off on having children until you can afford them, but at the same time you don't want to put off being happy until you are rich..lol. Remember to live in the present and take joy in what you have right now. Your ex seemed, 'problematic'. This makes we wonder about several things. How long were you with him? Was it you who broke it off? And how many partners or sexual encounters you've had in your current lifetime? (if many just round to whatever is closer ) Yes I'm nosy but it's also curiosity and I have a good heart so tell me My ex definitely had some problems. He came from a really messed up background. I loved him and chose to be with him. Hard to say who broke it off really. It was kind of mutual. When I was living with him, it was I who made the choice to move out because his upsetting behaviour was becoming more than I could deal with (this relates to him being emotionally abusive, and had nothing to do with sex) and I felt like I had to save myself. After I moved out we continued to see each other but we both had our gaurd up and the emotional distance between us grew wider. Our relationship was sort of limping along when one day he told me he was to go live and work in another city. He thought it would be good for him and I agreed that maybe it would be. So in the end there was no breakup drama. We stayed close friends right up until the day he left but knew our relationship would be over once he was gone as neither of us were interested in doing a long distance relationship. We had been together for a rocky eight years. How many partners have I had? I'm not going to give you a number but I'll be honest and tell you that when I was very young I had A LOT of sexual encounters and partners. This was when I was between the ages of about 17-20 years. I came from a bad background too and I didn't know what self respect and self love was. I was also doing a lot of drinking and drugs at the time which of course clouded my thinking even moreso. When I hit 20 I realized that the way I was living was crap and I completely turned away from that lifestyle. In the years since then I have had 5 relationships. Two of them were shorter relationships of about 1 year and three of them were longer than 5 years and these are the only men I have had sex with. No one night stands and no freinds with benefits. I have now put myself on a time out from having any romantic relationships..lol.
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