Toodle68 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Thirteen years ago I got married. It turned out to be a horrid marriage. We argued a lot, tempers, shouting. She would be angry for days if I did not back down and cave to her whims. For the first 30 years of my life, I rarely got angry or raised my voice so this was all new to me. I started off trying to defend my position and that just made it worse. Towards the end of the marriage, I stopped getting angry and remained calm, never raising my voice. That just made her worse. The marriage ended 3 years ago and freedom was amazing. I tried to find my old self. During the last 3 years, I have dreamed about finding someone to love and to be loved. Not like in the marriage, but real love. I had realized in my marriage that I had an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I ached for it to be filled. I never believed it was possible. I would wake up from a dream imagining what it was like to really love someone and to be loved back. I went on many first dates and dated a few of them. The emptiness remained. After a short while I would think ‘I am ready for you to leave’. Then, I meet someone. It was almost love at first sight. We had so much in common, had great communication and our situations were so perfect (kids, ages, situation etc). We fell in love and had 4 amazing months. We talked about the future and both believed we would be together forever. The ache in the pit of my stomach was gone. I loved every second that I spent with her. We hated to be apart. We had fun, went places and enjoyed everything. There were problems. I have a bad habit of saying silly stuff. I commented on her going on vacation without me. It truly was a joke, but she took it as me being jealous of spending time with her friends. I really was not. When I met her family she came away thinking I would not want to go see them often because I commented on her mother’s smoking. That was not the case, just that I rarely see people smoke these days and it was rough. On 3 occasions there was a mis-understanding and when she got a little mad, I got defensive. I should have owned up to the issue immediately, but I did not. My stance was always that I really did not mean it the way it was received. Which was correct, but in reality, that is irrelevant. On Sunday this week, we had another such issue. I jokingly said something like “you’re right, I’m wrong” in regards to a mis-communication. She got angry and I got defensive. It was stupid. I should have just owned up immediately and apologized. To cut a long story short. She left and then 2 days letter told me she had spent time reviewing everything, all the issues and it’s over. I have never, never, felt pain like it. I can’t even begin to explain how utterly depressed and miserable I became. I was stunned. Shell shocked. These last 2 days have been the worst ever. I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with her. I think what has hurt is how we always said we would work through any problems and after all the amazing things she had said to me, I had a hard time reconciling the break up with her words/actions. I know I screwed up. I have a very hard time dealing with someone who is angry. I know I took my eye off what was important. I was so confident in our relationship that I spent more time looking forward than being completely aware of the present. I said we could resolve the issues but she said they would take years and she is not interested or have the energy to do that at this age. I wrote to her, I proclaimed my love and told her I did not believe it would take years. It was a major wake up call for me. I know what I did wrong and I will own my issues and resolve them. Unfortunately, the day after the break up, her boss who has almost victimized her over the last few years filed another complaint which puts her 1 step from the door. She is a single mother and can’t be without a job. So her focus has now changed to getting another job. She absolutely can’t do anything else. I understand that, but continues to leave me heartbroken. It may be months before she wants to see me and that is not certain. Worst of all, she is going through a tough time and I am not there for her. I wish I could have been there for her when she got home from work. I have kicked myself every hour for the last 2 days. If only I had apologized immediately. If only I had responded better to her issue.. If only.. Two days.. I have not slept much, nor eaten much. I want so badly to spend time with her. The feeling of loss is overwhelming.. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry.. I am a grown man of 43 and I feel weak and pathetic.
stray Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Don't beat yourself up over the things you said. None of what you said was any kind of deal breaker, or at least, it shouldn't be. Even the most eloquent human being is going to say stupid sh*t sometimes since we don't get rehearsals in life. Your ex, as a mature adult should understand that. You know how people say, "judge someone by their actions and not their words" - well, as long as your actions showed the kind of man you are, then don't worry about the things you said. She should know who you are, anyway. It sounds like you two will speak again, and this isn't a cut and dry break up. She probably already knows about your abusive marriage, but maybe the next time you speak to her, just let her know, you're not very good with words sometimes! You have kept your mouth shut for so long, maybe you developed some social anxiety from that. But you can overcome it, and anyone who is worth your time will help you overcome it too. By "worth your time" - I mean, this: you only live this one time. That's it. This is IT. Spend your time with people who really make you happy, who really lift you up, who really make this life the best it can be. And you have to chose those people, you have to find them. Don't spend time with people who see you a stepping stone, or someone to pass the time with. Spend time with people who love you. Spend time with your kids. They only get their one life. Be a good example to them, and don't let yourself get hung up on anyone who doesn't love you the way you are. Life is too short.
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