no1likeu Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm looking for advice from anyone who may understand my situation... I am married and have been having an affair with my first boyfriend from high school who is also married. We reconnected on FB after not seeing or talking to each other for 18 years. We live nearly 5 hours apart from each other with him living in our home town. The affair is mostly a cyber affair with chats/texts and FB messages, but we have hooked up a few times when I go back to my home town to visit. My marriage has been rocky for several years and it was at an all time low when I first reconnected with him so it was easy for me to do this. I have had many reservations about this and I feel very guilty. The thing is that it seems like he is in a happy marriage. He never says anything negative about his wife or their marriage and I can tell from the FB posts that they seem to have a good relationship. But then he tells me that he has thought about me for the last 25 years and will always have a "special place" for me. I feel like I should end this now and cut off all contact with him and come clean to my husband to try to work our our relationship. Can anyone help with advice?
OldOnTheInside Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I feel like I should end this now and cut off all contact with him and come clean to my husband to try to work our our relationship.It seems like you already know what you want to do. What kind of advice are you looking for? Other than "go for it". My perspective is this: my ex-wife was in the exact same position as you. The fact that she confessed to me, and showed that she was willing to work on our marriage to the same extent that I was, is pretty much the only reason that things worked out as well as they did.
ShatteredReality Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If you're having guilt you need to put an end to the relationship. First off, it's not realistic that you have a future with this guy...so take all the emotional turmoil you're experiencing and put it aside. Also, put aside your addiction to this guy. Look at it for what it really is. If he's got such a great relationship with his wife, what's he doing with you? And how well is he treating her? That alone should make you not want him to be with you in the future. He's disrespecting her, and he is using you. You are using him also, for how he makes you feel and what he does for you on some emotional/physical level. Realizing this helps you to know that it's not..."real". He's like a drug and you will have a very difficult time getting rid of him. Ultimately...it's a futile relationship though...so get rid of him. It will take you time to get past it and become...sane...again. As for your H. I cannot tell you to confess or not to. I can only tell you what I did. I couldn't live with the guilt and knowing that he should have the option to leave me over this if he wants...so I told him. He chose to stay and work with me. It took us a long time to reconcile completely and we're much better now...though the scars remain. It forced us to view the fundamental issues in our marriage, address them, fix them or learn to cope with them, and move forward. We are much better now...it's nice to be able to say with certainty that we're in love again. Your husband doesn't deserve to be mistreated this way, though. Recognize that and reconcile with it. You don't deserve to be used like some childs plaything either, to boost a mans ego or prove that he could still get "the one that got away" or whatever he thinks of you as. And OM doesn't deserve to have his cake and eat it too. This is a mess. It's going to hurt. And it's going to take a long time to recover. But it's been done before...and if others can pick up and move forward from these things, so can you. Hope I helped...
MissBee Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm looking for advice from anyone who may understand my situation... I am married and have been having an affair with my first boyfriend from high school who is also married. We reconnected on FB after not seeing or talking to each other for 18 years. We live nearly 5 hours apart from each other with him living in our home town. The affair is mostly a cyber affair with chats/texts and FB messages, but we have hooked up a few times when I go back to my home town to visit. My marriage has been rocky for several years and it was at an all time low when I first reconnected with him so it was easy for me to do this. I have had many reservations about this and I feel very guilty. The thing is that it seems like he is in a happy marriage. He never says anything negative about his wife or their marriage and I can tell from the FB posts that they seem to have a good relationship. But then he tells me that he has thought about me for the last 25 years and will always have a "special place" for me. I feel like I should end this now and cut off all contact with him and come clean to my husband to try to work our our relationship. Can anyone help with advice? I agree with the bolded. It's all fun and games now and an escape from your rocky marriage...but I do think you realize it is an avoidance mechanism and there is no future there. You should cut off contact and work on your marriage.
LilyBart Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I feel like I should end this now and cut off all contact with him and come clean to my husband to try to work our our relationship. Can anyone help with advice? No1 - you always WILL have a special place in his heart....just like he has in yours. But if you "feel" like you should end it, you should. You can cut it off but do you REALLY need to 'fess up to the hubby? IMO, no you don't. Why can't you work on your M without the additional mess/fall out that telling H might create? If you're serious about wanting to be with H (and not just because HS boyfriend isn't available), you should work on the M and take the A to your grave.
Glinda Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 No1 - you always WILL have a special place in his heart....just like he has in yours. But if you "feel" like you should end it, you should. You can cut it off but do you REALLY need to 'fess up to the hubby? IMO, no you don't. Why can't you work on your M without the additional mess/fall out that telling H might create? If you're serious about wanting to be with H (and not just because HS boyfriend isn't available), you should work on the M and take the A to your grave.Yeah, sure. She should deal with conflict avoidance issues by being conflict avoidant. She should repair her M by hiding facts, keeping secrets and telling lies. Let's be a coward and not give BH a true picture just so we can make things easier for ourselves. Yeah, ok.
fooled once Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I sure don't get the need so many have of reconnecting with OLD boyfriends, especially when married. I have no desire to 'hook up' with someone I knew 20+ years ago. Yuck. I hope I have matured more than to do that. Are you really feeling guilty? Remorseful? If so, I wouldn't think you would have to ask should you fess up and fix your marriage. If you are going with having cyber sex and sexting with him, knowing you aren't that special to him (since he has never once said a bad thing about his wife, nor has he implied he would leave his wife for you) then have at it. I don't see that he thinks you are special. I see that he finds you easy. You are the excitement that he may miss with a wife and/or kids. Kinda like how men will go to hookers but not marry one. I am NOT saying you are a hooker; but you aren't someone he wants to bring home to mom or his kids. If he had any respect for you or caring for you, he wouldn't put you in the position of being his side piece of action. Confess to your H and let him move on with someone who will be faithful to him.
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'm looking for advice from anyone who may understand my situation... I am married and have been having an affair with my first boyfriend from high school who is also married. We reconnected on FB after not seeing or talking to each other for 18 years. We live nearly 5 hours apart from each other with him living in our home town. The affair is mostly a cyber affair with chats/texts and FB messages, but we have hooked up a few times when I go back to my home town to visit. You haven't been in his life for 18 years, you don't know eachother anymore. What you feel is all based on past feelings, and renewing them but not on reality, it's all ego related and fantasy, not real life! It's an escape.. My marriage has been rocky for several years and it was at an all time low when I first reconnected with him so it was easy for me to do this. I have had many reservations about this and I feel very guilty. You should feel guilty. You've chosen the easy way, turn a blind eye to your issues with your husband and look for happiness and quick ego feeds to make you feel good from someone from your past. You are smart and have insight, you know it's wrong and nothing good can come of this. Did you and your husband ever talk about the problems? Seek marriage counselling? Adding someone else into the mix is NOT going to help, it'll make it worse and confuse you, mess you up. The thing is that it seems like he is in a happy marriage. He never says anything negative about his wife or their marriage and I can tell from the FB posts that they seem to have a good relationship. So, ask yourself WHY he is in touch with you? Ego feed? Maybe slightly bored with routine at home, and you bring some excitement to him? That isn't LOVE or care, it's lust and selfishness, on the expense of his wife. Don't let yourself get caught up in the cyber crap and flirting, don't mistake it for love and that he is going to leave his wife and kids for you. But then he tells me that he has thought about me for the last 25 years and will always have a "special place" for me. Then leave it at that. Someone from your past cared about you and you hold a special place in his heart. You don't have to chase it or act upon it. Leave it alone and leave it IN the past. Imagine how you would feel if you husband was doing this with another woman from his past... I feel like I should end this now and cut off all contact with him and come clean to my husband to try to work our our relationship. Can anyone help with advice? Yes. Tell him goodbye, it was nice catching up but it would be best for everyone if contact ended as NO good can come of it. Focus on your husband and fixing things, reconnect with one another. Obviously you loved him enough to marry him!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 But then he tells me that he has thought about me for the last 25 years and will always have a "special place" for me. I'm going to take a wild stab and say that this special place is... On The Bed.
YellowShark Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Haven't seen the old flame in 18 years. Ahhh... good old Facebook strikes again... it's such a relationship killer.
Author no1likeu Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Thank you all that replied... I have felt for a while that I need to end this....been going on for a year and a half now. I actually did end it a couple of times by blocking him on FB but he found other ways to contact me and I caved in and started things back up again... I do feel like he is using me, but as one of you said I guess I am using him in some way too. I am emotionally attached and I dont think he is...that is why this is so hard. My guilt is also overwhelming, but I am afraid to confess to my husband though I am not sure why as we have had such a rocky relationship lately. I love my husband but I dont think I am in love with him. I love the family that we have built with our children and our family time together. I just dont like how we treat teach other. I think I will seek some counseling both for us together and for me on my own. I will probably confess after I figure things out for myself. I am just not ready yet.
ShatteredReality Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Thank you all that replied... I have felt for a while that I need to end this....been going on for a year and a half now. I actually did end it a couple of times by blocking him on FB but he found other ways to contact me and I caved in and started things back up again... I do feel like he is using me, but as one of you said I guess I am using him in some way too. I am emotionally attached and I dont think he is...that is why this is so hard. My guilt is also overwhelming, but I am afraid to confess to my husband though I am not sure why as we have had such a rocky relationship lately. I love my husband but I dont think I am in love with him. I love the family that we have built with our children and our family time together. I just dont like how we treat teach other. I think I will seek some counseling both for us together and for me on my own. I will probably confess after I figure things out for myself. I am just not ready yet. About the bolded. I am willing to guess here that you didn't realize this until after your feelings for OM started up? Just a stab...a guess...it seems to be a pattern that this goes unrecognized until there is some catalyst to grab your attention...and it also becomes more difficult to live with once you have someone else to give those emotions too...right? I knew I wasn't "in love" w my H before the A started...but it became less...tolerable...once I "fell" for OM. Anyhow, long story short...after the long difficult path where we finally decided to reconcile - we addressed the issues of our marriage (besides my infidelity)..and it really didn't take that long, with us both actually working together to rebuild our marriage, before I began to "fall" for him again. After some time I came to find I had fallen back in love with him. Something I realized, no1, is that over time we will both fall in love and out of love with eachother throughout the years - but so long as we keep putting forward the effort to fall back in love with eachother our marriage is worth working for. Hope it helps!
fooled once Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 You said in your last post you weren't ready...to end the affair or confess? I do think you are being selfish in that you have been lying and cheating on your H. No matter what your marriage is like, you should have separated and not cheated. Separate from your H. End the affair. Be on your own for a while to try to figure out what you really want. You almost seem as if you must be with a man to have any value. Think about all the time you are losing with your kids because your attention is on a MM. That isn't fair to your kids either.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 My guilt is also overwhelming, but I am afraid to confess to my husband though I am not sure why as we have had such a rocky relationship lately. I love my husband but I dont think I am in love with him. I love the family that we have built with our children and our family time together. I just dont like how we treat teach other. I think I will seek some counseling both for us together and for me on my own. I will probably confess after I figure things out for myself. I am just not ready yet. Ever think that maybe things are rocky BECAUSE YOU ARE CHEATING????
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